Crackintoes
What have I done!?! (Negative waves)
Jun 04, 2011
I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and thinking I may not have been ready for this. It's been lingering for the past few days as I continue to struggle with pain and an incision that continues to leak. I read (and posted without response) on a thread this morning titled "walking early out" and it put me to tears. There are people who are about a week out who are walking 2+miles a day. Some walk for over an hour more than once a day. I go for a 20 minute walk every morning and it kills me. I've gotten my cadence up so it's almost power-walk speed (when I start) but by the 15 minute mark, I'm pushing myself through the pain and at 20 minutes I'm back to limping and heading for the couch to ache for a few hours. I'm so sad. This can't be normal. I'm dying to get in the pool as well but my freakin' incinsion is still leaking. Muscle training? Forget it, I still can't carry a bag of milk without feeling it and bending down to pick stuff up off the ground also causes pain.The food is freaking me out too. I read threads and see all these recipes and there's soooooo much there I don't like (broccolli, raw mushrooms, spinach...) not to mention stuff I've never seen in person (quinoa, edamame, couscous, anything with beans, stevia...). I'm not much of a cook to begin with so I don't know how I'm supposed to find these things and learn how to make 'em good and healthy. I feel like I need to hire someone to come and teach me how to make some stuff to save my life.
I'm also having a very hard time with the current diet. Essentially I'm surviving on a disgusting protein drink that I choke down every day to get 25 gr of protein and usually a protein water as well for an extra 15 gr. Other than that, I've been eating cottage cheese, laughing cow cheese, apple sause, sf pudding, greek yogurt (yuck!) & sf popsicles. My latest additions this week have been cottled egg whites, tuna, & Source yogurt parfaits. Out of desperation in the last two days, I've also successfully tested the waters by chewing a few almonds, two pieces or romaine lettuce and some chicken breast. I chew them to paste and they go down ok but I worry that maybe I shouldn't be doing that yet but I don't know. Just because it will go in doesn't mean it should but the guidelines are so non-specific. I'm not even sure if I should be eating the tuna yet!?!
I don't know what else to eat but I know that I'm sick of eating what I'm eating and I'm scared of where I'm going to go from here.
I've been craving bread like crazy and thinking about chip truck french fries and pizza and... it's driving me crazy and causing me anxiety that I'm going to fuck this up the second I can eat these things. Ironically, not a thought about chocolate or cookies which were always my biggest downfall. I'm sure that'll come.
This morning I made my son and I some scrambled egg whites for breakfast and some toast for him. My addiction got the best of me and I took a bite of his toast. Of course, it went down no problem. This is sooooooo scary for me. I'm now filled with fear and anxiety that I've made the wrong choice because I don't seem to be mentally prepared to use my tool properly and not being able to get out and move around like I'd like to is really contributing to the fear. I would rather be out exercising and keeping busy than sitting in the house surrounded by things I shouldn't eat.
I'm thinking I better call the clinic and see about talking to the therapist but I suspect that he is fully booked with pre-surgery patients.
Going back to work should help too but I'm off for one more week and then on modified for two weeks after that until I go in for my 6 week follow up.
I pray that this too shall pass and that I'm able to find or develop the additional tools to make this a successful journey but at the moment I really feel like I may have made the wrong decision to go ahead with this surgery and that I'm destined to fail. That's not a good place to be. Where's my pink cloud!?!
