The Hardest Part

May 29, 2011

... Is realizing this isn't like having a baby. That's ALL for THEM. The baby. You endure ALL THAT; and even if it's an easy pregnancy and delivery, it's still not easy. But at the end of the voyage you can say, I did this ALL for YOU, precious. Most of us are VERY good at giving when others are involved. Especially if the person you're giving to is a sweet little helpless person that looks like the love of your life. I would joyfully give my life to bring a child into the world.

You start the RNY journey by yourself and end it by yourself. That means the only sweet little face you'll see at the end of a 3mi run is yours. The only face you're going to see when you walk away from the table full of cheesecake at a party is yours. The person you're sweating, and hurting, and NOT making ANY excuses for is YOU. Not making any excuses, and not TAKING any. I said, "Oh I could run further / faster if I was 20 / 30/ 40 pounds lighter!" Well, that's a reality now. "I'd run if my knee didn't hurt!" My knee no longer hurts. "I'd run if I had cuter clothes to wear!" Okay, that was just a ridiculous statement. But it proved that ANY excuse was better than none. I don't have any more excuses. I didn't do this for NOTHING. Didn't risk my life to have the surgery. I didn't leave the kids and my husband for a week while I was BACK in the hospital with... No one has any idea what I had. I didn't put up with those finger sticks ("I DON'T HAVE DIABETES!"), blown IVs, thrombuses that lasted 7wks (SEVEN WEEKS?! REALLY? I mean, come on people.) pressure pants and blood pressure cuffs that refused to inflate in synch, and hourly awakenings  - for no reason. I am longer content with just "being here." I want to be here, healthy, thinner, with normal blood pressure, with energy, and with an attitude that doesn't leave me hostage to ANYTHING - like my appearance, or FOOD.

That's what makes it so hard. I haven't done anything for ME in YEARS.  Trust me, I weighed 250lbs (270 at my highest) - I hadn't done anything for me in a while. I can do for my children all day, but carving out 35mins to work out took an act of Congress. The hardest part is the fact that I'm doing it for ME - not THEM. 35mins that don't involve juice boxes, cookies, crayons, glue sticks, construction paper or getting toys that fell under the couch. 35mins spent improving myself - weights, running shoes, THOSE socks, toenails that fall off at will, better endurance, normal blood pressure, and thinner thighs. Among other things.

The sweet little face grinning back at you as the numbers on the scale, and the clothing sizes, and your body get smaller and smaller will be YOURS. It's not for them. It's for you. Take it.

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