Eileen O.

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I don't know what is wrong with me but the last three days I have been so weepy. I think in part it is the lack of sleep, with the puppies up every night at 3-330am. I am working on getting them on a better schedule but so far they still need to get up and go out...so that means I do too!

Both of my tenants have lost their jobs and although the one paid his rent for the month already the other one has not. He pays by the week and told me last night he has no money. So my financial situation has me totally stressed out.

I'm also just starting my mense so that could be it too but this sucks. I just feel like I am taking on more then I can handle alone and I just will not give these babies back and the surgery is happening no matter what. Just owning my actions and it is not such a great feeling right now.

Saving grace is I know "this too shall pass" and all will be okay for a little while until it gets crazy again...it always does.

I saw the nutritionist today for the last time before surgery. I expected to get instructions for the liquid pre-op diet but when she was through and didn't mention it I asked. She looked at me smiled and said , "Just do go eating a 13oz rare steak for your last dinner!" She is funny. She said that my surgeon has no pre-op restrictions, just to eat light the few days before. I still think I will do a liquid for a couple days before.

So the best news of the visit is tht when I went to see her for the first visit my BMI was 62 and it is now 63.

My waist:hip ratio went from .88 to .86. I lost 2 inches on my waist and 1/2 on .5 on my hips. What can I say- Us O'Brien girls have "Birthin Hips," just more cushion for the pushin!!

Got "THAT" phone call on the way to the vascular doctor for some wounds on my legs. I have a section that just won't go away. He is concerned because it is still very red and he said there is still some heat (infection) in there. So I'll stay on the antibiotic for a little while longer. This has been a problem for me since before April '06....he says it will clear up as I lose the weight. Wants to see me in April.

I also went to see my therapist today....I am scared to death of "head hunger" and the "unmet needs" that I know are there in my emotional life - it is why I used food to comfort, and hurt, myself as well as alcohol, drugs, sex, money...you name it I have tried it to fill the "HOLE"....but there is nothing. It makes so much sense to me but I don't think I am very good at explaining it. I know it is all connected. So now I am 18 yrs clean and sober (Nov. 6 is my Anniversary) and quite smoking cigarettes in '92. I refuse to use my body (fat or thin) ever again to just fill the empty void (ie : unmet need)....everything is just a bandaids that caused more pain than relief....food is my last hide out and I am scared as to what it will all mean after the surgery. Afraid of the unknown and having too much knowledge about my own addictive behaviors has me a little scared about how I'm going to deal with life on life's terms.

Thank God for Dr. Dave....I feel pretty good knowing he is in my cornor and understands what I am talking about...not many people do or want to admit it.

So after a very emotional afternoon I came home and ate a large calzone and ate a bunch of left over Halloween candy with a large glass of milk...I feel like CRAP!!! On top of all this I adopted two new puppies and they came home on Halloween at just 5 weeks old. They are literally just major eating, pooping and peing machines....I'm exhausted.  But they keep me moving and keep me from thinking too much about surgery and all the unknowns.

Well they are crying again so I'm gonna go play with them till they go to sleep.

Well I went to the support meeting tonight at Kennedy in Stratford. It was packed!!! I think they need a bigger room. It is supposed to be the large conference room yet when it is filled with approximately 25 ex-large to med size adults...well it got small really fast.

The dietician, Valerie (I love her and dream of having a figure like hers someday...but I think for her it is part genetic, part healthy lifestyle) was leading it tonight as Dr. Neff was in surgery and his bariatric partner, Dr. Balsama were MIA. Valerie did a great job though. She had a guy from GNC there and a woman who does sugar free/fat free catering. Lots of samples!! Glad I am still Pre-Op.

Best part of tonight was I met two really nice women who will probably be having surgery around the same time as me. And with Michelle (chell1957) having hers today...that is 4 of us in the month. I extended the invitation to band together for support.     I also suggested they both join this site as it has been a blessing for me.

Today I also got the rest of the paperwork that I needed for the office manager to call my insurance. This better be good enough as I don't know what else I will do. It just so pisses me off .... it is so obvious that I need this surgery. I am 420lbs and should weight 160lbs...I am on so much medications for problems directly related to my weight. I'm only 48 years old. But I am doing what I am told to do and praying that I get approved for the sleeve.

I'm working lots of overtime this week as I just found out that my disablitiy is based on the last 6 weeks I work before I go out...I need a big disability check!!! SHOW ME THE OVERTIME!!!

Night!

                                   



     Yesterday I drank my last soda for a year!

I have decided to tell myself, as I give up some of the bad / non-productive foods, that I have to give them up for a year. If after one year I really feel the need to bring them back into my dietary life I will re-evalute that food in one year.

So for now I will not say that I will give it up forever but I can do anything for one year... I have done it in the past. Yet I also know that when I quit drinking, drugging and smoking that at some point I accepted those decisions to not have one for one day as a lifetime committment..... I just make the committment One Day at a Time.

Well I got it!!! November 22nd and I will be the first surgery of the day! I am so excited....33days away. So now I can make a time line and begin to slowly readjust my life. I also lost just under 10 lbs since I was there last time. 420.8 BMI 62.1. I am feeling really good and want to thank everyone who has been so kind and helpful. I feel so blessed.

My Therapist has a collegue that has just had it done (I think she had the RNY) and she is willing to be my support. So not only is she a fellow traveler (a few weeks ahead of me) but she is a therapist who specializes in addiction and grief as well...it is all good!

So now I am going to plan.....will write more as I become overwhelmed....something I tend to do. Ciao for now.

Tomorrow is the day! I see my surgeon at 11am for my date. I'm so excited but also so scared. I feel so alone in this. I know you all are out there. Some in the same place as me some ahead and some still thinking about it...but I mean here in my life...no one understands the gravity of this. No one really gets it. I'm so afraid of the unknown.

I need to go to bed so it can be tomorrow. I'm so grateful for all of you out there on OH...you have been a source of hope for me.

Okay that SUCKED!!! Not only could I not sleep but the technician scrubbed my face so hard that I have three "rug burns" on my face! Very attractive! hahaha All in all it was okay. I came straight home took a shower and got a 2 hour nap before beginning my day. Not much on the adgenda except my therapy appointment and work for 4 hours.

I am so happy I got into therapy with Dr. Dave T. He is through Life Counseling for anyone in the Philadelphia area. Very good guy and really helping me on the whole behavior mod. piece of this journey.

I know that I can loss the weight- heck I have done is 6 times + since I was 20 years old but it stopping the emotional eating/bingeing, or other misguided comfort behavior (one that has immediate gratification effects but ultimately lead right back to the unmet need). I have been with him for only three weeks but he has helped me so much.....help get me scared which is when I do my best work on me!

I have learned so much about myself in the past 18 years and want to use all that I have learned to turn my life around. To have the life I know I deserve and am totally capable of having.

So in 8 days I get my date!!!! Woooo Hoooo!!!
Okay I'm off to work....Have a blessed evening everyone.

I hate not knowing how to make a cool web page...I feel so stupid. I want to put a cool ticker on my page but can't figure it out...been at this for awhile. I'm giving up for tonight....will try again tomorrow.

Okay so I was a little freaked out today and that was on top of being emotionally stressed out at home and at work. I feel like I am always angry and fighting to be understood.

When I got weighted on Friday, I forgot to mention in yesterday's blog, I weighed in at 430.2 and that is up 3+ lbs from the month visit prior and 30+lbs up from the day I decided to do this in August. No one seems to understand and I get so frustrated trying to fight for that understanding. I am changing my life for the better and people just want me to eat!

So after seeing my surgeon on Friday and the dietician on Thursday I made a decision to do whatever I have to so that I am moving in the direction of  having a successful outcome to my surgery. I need to start putting into place better eating habit and exercise habits. I need to start putting to paper a plan for my post surgery diet....I need to be in shape for it so I can heal and recover and have a positive start. 

Right now I am kinda SCARED to death right now after reading a lot of the posts today at work. So many problems and so much talk of pain!! I don't want PAIN!  hahaha So I need to get started on a plan.

I'M GOING TO WRITE OUT A PLAN TONIGHT AFTER MY AA MEETING! Will post it later....