finchgal

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 Eliminated candy, yes a reasonable first step...got back to basics with protein my main priority. Since I'm off the Remeron I no longer feel the need to eat, eat , eat.  That snuck up on me and i thought my brain was broken...lack of will power etc.  Well now i am back to just barely feeling hunger if i forget to eat and more or less eating on a schedule.  Went from 175 to 168 in five days, so the tool still works.  Its a matter of reminding myself daily that this struggle is no where as difficult as being 100 lbs overweight.  
Went through TOO MUCH.
Dont want the diabetes and sleep apnea back.

Oh and on that point my psych changed my sleep med to vistoril which is working like a charm and cuts me the cost of buying another allergy pill!  I think i only woke up once last night which is awesome!!

 I'm fours years out, and the last year or so was pretty uneventful, except for the 20 lb weight gain.  Got on the scales today and it was officially 20 lbs!  It's probably been more like two years, but at least ten was added in the lat 6 months. Some of that I blame on seroquel, because my eating habits became absolutely derranged and thats when i added the last ten. However, I'm not fooling myself any more, I have slipped into terrible eating habits.  In the beginning I dumped and that was a negative conditioner that helped me recognize my limits.  But at this point dumping mainly consists of a rapid heartbeat and if i really push it, nausea.  I've pushed it.  I can eat simple sugars with no problem, and I'm a chocoholic.  That was fine in my pre-surgery days but not now.
I've gone through WAY TOO MUCH to screw this up now!  Three surgeries (RNY, Bowel Obstruction one week later, and hernia repair).
I've got two sizes of clothing in the closet, and I'm officially fat again.
Because of my mood disorder I havent felt a whole lot of distress over the weight gain, more like annoyance.
Now I'm Mad.
Really mad....at least today.
I know what to do.
I have to do it.

I've always been a lurker, not a poster.  Time to change that.

 I haven't posted here because it has been a very difficult year.  I've been struggling with my weight after a 12 lb increase.  Sometimes I get it down to 9 or so, but never for very long. I've spent most of the last year bitchin' and complainin' and eating sweets (sugar goes down just fine, preferably in the form of chocolate). Feeling worse about myself than I did when I was morbidly obese.  Body image down the tubes, I feel fat again and lots of the size M do not fit any more.  I swore I would never have two sizes of clothing in my closet and here I am.

Just recently went on the white-food-is-evil plan and some of the cravings have diminished.  A LOT of the cravings have diminished.  I actually have whole mornings where I feel no real hunger and eat like a person should.  Then nightime arrives and oh, boy, am I in for it.

I've stocked up on healthier food but I realize am also apt to just overeat the things that are even good for me. Honestly , how much yogurt can a person eat??  I'm trying to take responsibility and get back to basics, focusing on dense protein and increasing veggies, which tend to go by the wayside in favor of fruit.  Told ya. Sugar....in any form.

Well I am back in therapy and trying to address the issue.  My therapist is of the opinion that restricting good foods and bad foods leads to the feeling of deprivation, which leads to binging on forbidden foods.  She does not understand that I can NOT have the tempting stuff in the house because there is just no way I will eat only a 100 calorie snack pack of anything!

I've had doctor issues, meaning I have not had one with any knowledge of WLS and not experienced enough as a doctor in any event.  The place where I go is a teaching facility.  I complained that my needs were not being met and this week i have an appointment with a new doctor and if this doesn't work I will have to search elsewhere.  Have not been back to my second surgeon down here, who had volunteered to follow my wls stuff.. Well I have been ashamed to go there because of the weight gain.  Still am. Won't go.

So part of the plan is reading posts on OH, and starting up the blog again.  I might never post on the main forums, especially about this, because I could not tolerate being flamed.  I would flee and never come back and then where would I be?

Dr G says the abdominal pain is muscular, out me on tramadol, and after about a week, I was fine.  Too much 'bending' still sets it off some, but I am off that med for now. He says no way to any type of abdominal surgery because of my adhesions. Except in a dire emergency. I refuse to tempt the fates any longer. Not going to obsess any more.
Lot my Curves membership due to an insurance change (which happened so that Dr G can continue to follow my bariatric care) I'm Exercise Phobic and just got the application for a reduced fee YMCA membership.  Its 99 degrees most of the time here right now, so i need indoor activities.

This is the not-so-good news: over the last 6 months I gained 9 lbs.
I've been really freaked out and my usual response to that is to overeat....or binge eat.  And since i can eat plain old sugar...its been easy.
Now...I have lost 3 lbs in the last two weeks, and I'm getting into therapy (lack of which has contributed to the whole stress-eat ,stress more about the eating cycle.)

By the way that picture makes me look a bit thinner than I really am...but that's just fine.

Well, here we are again...another year older, a little bit wiser and still struggling to be "well".  I've mostly reached my goals; my number one wish was to be healthier, and most of my co-morbidities are history.  No sleep apnea, diabetes, high blood pressure or GERD.  I'm able to exercise (sort of, keep reading), going to Curves 3 -4 times a week, and a new bike is just around the corner.  Working, but still on disability.

However, the abdominal wall pain I was experiencing last year is still with me, and things are getting worse.  For most of the last year, things were pretty stable.  When it hurt, I wore the abdominal binder, didn't bend over, and cut back on some activities.  It went away for long stretches of time, and in general, was tolerable. When I saw my surgeon at that time, nothing had shown up on any of the tests, and the general drift of things was'we can take a look, may not find anything, may leave you with same/more pain, may need to cut your (hernia-the place this all started) mesh, resect bowel, and risk death.  Same old same old. Decided not to do it.  Sensible decision.

Flash forward...a mont, six weeks ago, the pain came back, with a vengence.  Hanging around for days at a time, stronger. Very annoying but not so much I couldnt handle it.  Then..this pesky bloating after meals. Simethicone took care of it, so I fingured--"wrong foods, eating too fast". Modifiying the diet seemed to help, as these episondes were sporadic.  New insurance, waiting for a new PCP, so I just hung in there. Maybe the episodes were a little more intense.
Okay the yellow flag was up, but I was actively encouraging denial, or at least resistance.  None of this seemed something I needed to address imediately.

Last week, I had a sudden nausea, followed by the worst bloating I'd ever felt.  Double over, couldn't walk boating.  Maybe I should call 911...but i choked dwon the little green pill and 5 minutes later I was fine,  Sore, but fine.

OKAY. I get it.

Saw my new PCP today (insurance made this the first step). Long story (I have problems with the short ones you can tell), I  am on my way back to my surgeon.  Need the whole workup because the consensus there (I saw 2 doctors in the office) was probably a partial bowel obstruction, which is what I was thinking, but not saying out loud.

Damn.

So at this point I have turned off my head (the source of panic, and resistance.  I dont feel lucky any more.  I know this is a potential disaster in the making.  I know its probably inevitable.  (At least my Dad-my poor old in his 80's Dad who doesnt need this any more than I do, will be around for support.  When I had my shoulder fixed -wait-just last year! --he stayed 3 months. He didnt actually need to stay that long, but he wanted to and it was wonderful because we had a chance to rebuild our relationship in a way i never felt was possible) There's a few people in my life who will be at least phone support...might even drop by occasionally.

And I figure it's time to stop by here, even though I;m primarily a lurker, and honestly the drama episodes drove me away and I doubt that has changed-its human nature,  I'm going to ignore it as usual and I think its best if I stop lurking-and READING those posts.

So thats my update.  More--I'm sure--will follow.

 

Well, i have been MIA for the last several months, mainly because the move to Florida turned into a nightmare...cost of living so much higher, insurance programs in this state are absolutely insane...and for the longest time i wasn't up to looking for a job, despite the fact that the waters were creeping up and i could see i was going to drown. At some point i was going to have to give up my car, and heat for the morning it is cold (and contrary to public opinion, it does get cold here!)

Several things happened at once, to challenge my dependence on "the system".  First, I have a couple of new "friends", or near-friends, which has lessened the anxiety caused by being in solitary confinement.  My therapist suddenly left the agency, and the new therapist they hired quit before she started seeing clients.  Which means I don't have that outlet, and also that my Medicaid wont cover that portion of my bills left over from Medicare.

So i have been really looking for a job, and it seems i have one, (contingent on the background check, which should be no problem) with a major, national research company.  And, its phone work, which i swore i never would do....but there is no selling, and i very much approve of this company....i was surprised to find that the "assessment" was actually fun.

YAY! Light at the end of the tunnel.

The problem is that the first friends i shared this with were appalled, stating that the system was going to hang me out to dry, i would lose all my benefits and my insurance and i should just stick with my disability and suck it up.  So I'm poverty stricken...live with it.  Besides, I'm uninsurable at this point, so i have to hold on to that.....right?

But i have done the research, and getting back to work is a gradual, systemic process.  In the end, I can buy my Medicare insurance for 8 years.  I will be very close to retirement age at that point. Hopefully, the years of work will mean my actual retirement check isn't the bare minimum my disability currently is....

But right now i am frustrated and just wishing someone would be as excited and hopeful as i feel right now.

It's been a rough couple of months.  First, i developed a huge hernia as result of my two surgeries.  This was repaired laproscopically at the end of August, 2007.  It was not an easy surgery, and I am just now feeling well, a month later.  I still get substancal pain when i am walking for more than an hour.  Dr. Gordon says I need to slow down.

Of course, as a result of "slowing down" my weight loss has stalled.  I am stuck at 157.  Only 18 pounds from my personal goal of 140.  I tell myself that this is quite doable, but its very difficult.  At this point i am very confused about not so much what i should be eating, but how much.

For me, carbs are evil.  Not healthy carbs such as vegetables, and occasionally fruit, but the other carbs--bread and related things.  I get cravings when I eat even healthy grain products.  When I get cravings...I sometimes succumb.  I'm only human after all, and of course I have food issues.  I think just about anyone who has struggled with obesity has food issues....you don't have to be bulemic or anorexic.

I overeat mainly on weekends.  I am alone on the weekends, and lonlieness is not a good feeling.  I am trying to fill my life with some activities and to meet people, but it is very, very difficult.  There are not a lot of options for people under 65 in Florida. or if there are, I can not find them.

My online contacts, my friends from Maine, have been my link to sanity these last months.  I often wonder why I left.  I've come to the conclusion that, besides being closer to my Dad, there has to be something that I am supposed to learn or do while I am here.  Thats my positive attitude for the month.

Lots of changes:


First, I moved to Florida.  Left a lot of friends and a dead-end relationship behind.  BF and I parted as friends but he is no longer in touch.  My long distance friends are the only things that have kept me sane the last three months. 
First, didnt have success in search for wrk b/c of anxiety and depression.  I have a psych disability and only wanted part time work, but had to put this on hold for time being.  Then, insurance tie ups made it impossible for me to see a doctor until last month. 
Ended up in the ER and then the hospital three weeks ago with another  suspected bowel obstruction--which I did not have, thank God.  BUT--I do have a HUGE ventral hernia (this I had strongly suspected during the weeks before I went to the ER).  So now I am facing my third operation in 8 months...
Not really a choice, as parts of my colon and small bowel are in the hernia.  Because it is so large, there is no real pain...but it might explain the problems I've had with unrelenting constipation since my third month post op.  Also I feel absolutely deformed with this thing. I've not had major body image issues...sure I don't like the bat wings or saggy skin, and the incision scar healed very ugly...but they did not impact my psyche much.  The good news is that the ugly scar will be excised  and I get a chance to start over.  Bad news, another surgery and resulting healing time means more delay in getting my life back on track.
Most of my angst is over the move, which has brought me closer to my Dad who lives nearby, but taken me away from a safe, familiar if stagnant environment into one of constant uncertainty.  On good days I tell myself that 8 months from now it will all be different...
8 months ago I was 65 pounds heavier...I was diabetic, hypertensive, and took meds for all sorts of illnesses.
This week, I bought a bicycle.

First, a we'll get the technicalities out of the way...

Current stats:
Weight; 174-176

Measurements:  March

Chest  42
Waist   45.5
Hips  47
Neck  14.5
Thigh 21.5

Vs January
Chest 42
Waist  46
Hips  48
Neck  15.5
Thigh  22

Not a huge change, understandable since the rate of weight loss has slowed.

Now...for the rest of the story...
I spent a horrid week in Florida searching for low-income housing.  What I don't get is that the rich people down there want their fast food, the maid services, the gardeners and gas station attendants...but they don't want them to live anywhere.
Rents weren't outrageous, but if you are disabled, you're out of luck.  Which is the reason St. Petersburg has a tent city of homeless people right off Central Avenue.  I'm not joking.  Google it.

So at the end of several long hard days, my Dad decided a different approach was in order. 

And so I am now a homeowner (half-home owner).  I have a lovely older manufactured home in a park in Clearwater, just 15 miles away...

And while I am terrified at the thought of this move, I know it is a necessity.  Only time will tell if it is the right choice.  The logistics of getting a new drivers license, re-registering the car, not to mention driving down there--all seem overwhelming if I look lat them all in a lump.  But I can only do one thing at a time.

My WOW moments were:
My fanny pack kept slipping down my hips...
I wear size 14-16 pants
My Dad said I was looking good twice.
He also said I was "moving lots faster"

On the old home front, the stress continues.  Some days I don't think I will survive all the carrying on.  I will miss my friends...I will not lose contact with them.  And I would certainly not be afraid to come back and visit....planes don't scare me.  Nor does the TSA,

They don't believe me.

I've lost about 6 pounds this month.  Not the most impressive total, but as long as the trend continues downward, I'm happy.  The stalls are frustrating, though.

All of the things I was warned of pre-op seem to have happened to me.  I had major complications, and required a second operation one week after the first.  I've had to deal with people who didn't understand why I had this surgery.  I've had a positive impact on a few others.

My personal relationships are falling apart.  My best friend, who is MO herself, has become distant and hostile.  We've had a major blow out, and are barely speaking.

My dissatisfaction with my romantic partner led me to have a frank discussion with him about where we were and where we were going.  I found out we weren't even on the same page.  As I'd suspected for a long time, "going nowhere, fast."

I know that staying here, surrounded by the same people, all stuck in their little, comfortable ruts, will not be conducive to my living a full, productive, happy life.  I've decided to move back to Florida, where my father lives.  He is 80, so far in fairly good health.  We have a pretty good relationship.  I'm going down to visit him next week, get the lay of the land.

I'm scared out of my mind. I haven't moved for eighteen years, never by myself.  I don't know anyone down there any more.  I'm afraid I wont be able to find housing with my Section 8 and my assistance dog.  it's illegal to discriminate, but crap happens.