fiveholts714

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According ot the hospital scale 2 days ago, I have lost 32 pounds in about 3 weeks.  That's pretty good.  My home scale is 12 pounds heavier than the hospital scale, so I will go with the hospital!  I have my first f/u with Dr. Sndruss on the 15th, one day before my 30 day surgiversary.  It will be exciting to see what her scale says.

This has been harder than I thought.  Sometimes my pouch doesn't want anything in it, yet I am hungry.  Sometimes I've just eaten and am dying of thrist but my pouch is full and I am not supposed to drink.  Sometimes I want lots of food I am not supposed to have!  And it's around because of the kids!  I admit that I've had a few doritos, a sip of beer and some soft serve.  The soft serve made me sick so I won't be doing that again.

My main incision has been a little open on one end and draining.  It had yellow gunk in it was and was red and hot so I called and got an antibiotic.  My friend suggested that I use 4/4's and paper tape since some of hte redness was likely due to the bandaides I was using. She was right and it looks better.  I'm still covering it with the 4x4 because the gauze has debrided it some. 

I'm out and about and doing whatever I want.  I haven't gone to the gym yet.  By the end of the day I am exhausted.  I really can't move hardly at all,.  Next week I will start walking more, but I've had lots of regular daily activitiy.  Plus I need time to heal.  I didn't realize until after i was out of surgery that I had a MAJOR surgery done.  I kept thinking it would be no big deal, but it is a big deal.  Your innards are different.  Forever.  I dreamed of having this surgery for years and years and now it is a reality.  I still keep having quiet fears that it isnt' going to work.  There will be something weird with me and I'll lose 25 pounds and then that's it, I don't want to be model skinny, just normal so I can do normal things and not be over the weight limit or too fat to participate and embarress my kids. 

I wasn't going to weigh myself but only get weighed once a month at the doctor's.  Well, I caved and bought a scale today.  I've lost 12 pounds since surgery a week and a half ago and about 18 pounds since I first weighed at the doctor's office.  I thought I had lost some because my clothes felt different and my ankles and fingers are slim. I am sick of full liquids. I'm not supposed to start soft foods until Monday, but I had some refried beans last night at Poncho and Lefty's and they were pretty darn good.  I go back to work on Monday, so I also got myself some new makeup and am getting my hair cut today.  I want to look nice when I go back,

Well, I'm back and I survived surgery.  I beame very afraid of begin able to breathe after surgery because my sleep apnea is so bad.  I kept thinking I would wake up extubated.  The anethesiologist told me that it would be unusual and he's only had to keep someone intubated after WLS once in the last 20 years.  I hoped I wouldn't be the second case!  I woke in teh recovery room just fine - I had an oral aiway which was removed when they woke me up more.  I had al ot of pain. I remember the nurse saying that they had to give me 7 doses of pain medicine in PACU - I can remember asking for pain meds quite a bit.  They gave me IV push dilaudid on the floor each hour, but it didn't work well so I was on a morphine PCA all night. It made me itch so I also had benedryl. In the morning they put my on percocoet's a took out the IV.  I was surprised because I was so dry and my organe was dark, dark orange.  The staff was very caring and friendly, but Dr. Cottam told me that they weren't quite up to snuf on how to take care of bypass patients yet. 

I had my surgery on Monday and planned to go home on Tuesday, but Dr. Cottam didn't think it was a good idea for me to be so far away when I'd had such a rough night.  Then Tuesday night I spiked a temp and started coughing so he kept me another night.  We had to call my husband's older daughter to come watch our kids because grandma had run out of her medications and had to go home. 

I was very glad to leave on Thursday.  The bed was uncomfortable, the room was hot and my back was killing me.  The ride home was kind of uncomfortable and I was worried about being dehydrated.  I drank chicken broth for the sodium and G2 as much as I could.  I felt my calves threatening to cramp up on the way so I took a potassium suppliment when I got home. 

Everyone is pretty excited for me.  They all recognize that this is a significant, life changing  moment.  I've never been a normal weight and the thought that it is even a possibility is overwhelming to me. 

My surgery is Monday.  I was so nervous earlier this week, but I've calmed down a lot.  It was exciting because the hospital called to register me and take my money (!).  It made it so real.  My only problem is that I am holding fluid like mad.  I quit drinking chicken broth on day 2 because of the swelling.  I will have to take a diuretic tomorrow. 

When I was so nervous a few dyas ago I started to have little thoughts creep into me head about not having the surgery.  Here I've dreamed about this for years and NOW I'm chickening out?  Then I went to get dressed and I had to wriggle my fat gut into too tight pants and look at my overflow when I sat down.  Needless to say, any doubts left my brain.  Everyone at work is excited for me.  They all recognize what a life change this is.  I've never been a normal weight -this is my big chance!

Tomorrow or Saturday I am going to have Ray take my preop photos. 

This morning I started my preop liquid diet.  It's CLEAR liquids, except for protien shakes.  I bought a case of chicken broth at the store, a big can of powdered protein shakes, and a bunch of sugar free generic crystal light.  Ugh.  It's only noon  on day 1 and I am hungry. I forgot to bring milk to work, so I'll have to go over to the cafeteria to get a carton.  I hope they have something gross for lunch so I won't feel like I am missing out.

Even though I am hungry, it's exciting to finally be starting something to get me to my goal.  I'm really starting to get nervous about the surgery.  I just hate the point where you are going into the holding area, unsedated, and completely out of control over what is happening to you.  I also hate first waking up.  My sleep apnea is bad and I am so afraid that something will happen with my breathing.  Last time I had surgery they didn't extubate me until I was in the recovery room.  I was still asleep, but I felt them extubate me and it was painful.  It wasn't awful, awful, but it scared me. 

I talked to Dr. Cottam last week and he said that he will check my band and if it is repairable he will fix it. If not, he'll take it out.  It would be nice to have both since I have so much to lose, but it would also be nice to have it gone, too.

I have dreamed of having a RNY for years.  I've tried to get the money, tried to get insurance to pay for it and even thought they would once only to be devastated.  I ended up going to Mexico for my failed band at that point.  I wish I hadn't wasted the money, but there's nothing I can do about that now.  I just don't want to fail again.  I've never been able to maintain my weight.  I've always been either gaining or trying to lose. 

So not it's finally my turn and I am scared.  I'm starting to miss food already.  It's not comfortable being hungry and really distracting.  How pitiful that I feel this way on my first morning of liquids.

Becky, if you ever get discouraged or stressed out about not being able to eat and eat, remember James' basketball game where the older lady was whispering about you to her younger companion.  Remember how they were about 5 feet away and both looking at you.  Remember how the woman realized you were looking at them and gave you that shy smile.  Remember how self conscious you felt walking to your chair, across the court.  You don't want to embarrass your kids!

Unfortunately, I can see my profile in my dresser mirror as I type on the computer.  My front is so fat that I look like I am not sitting up when I am!  I look like I have been poured into my chair and in danger of overflowing onto the ground.  I can't belive that other people see me this way.  It makes me want to stay in my house until I am one year out from my surgery. 

Here are some more things that I won't miss:

- Dreading meeting new people (like my kids' teachers, etc) that i have only talked to on the phone.
- Hating walking into a room full of people ("I hope she won't sit by me" looks)
- Constant fear of not fitting in the seating that is available when there are no armless chairs
- Always being the fattest person in the room
- Being the exception - If the department or group I am in wants to buy matching t-shirts I am always left out or make some dumb excuse as to why I am not wearing the shirt. (IT DOESN'T FIT)
- Being left behind - all the other directors at the hospital are in great shape.  They run marathons, bike, hike, swim, etc.  I am almost the youngest in the group and the heaveist by far.  At our last retreat the group went hiking in Snow Canyon. I love to hike but the group went so fast I couldn't keep up and was gasping for breath.  My boss hiked behind me so I wouldn't be alone, but I finally made her go ahead after making some excuse about my asthma (I don't have asthma) and I walked back to the meeting site by myself.  So instead of hiking with the group and networking with everyone else, I helped food services set up the lunch.  How humiliating. 
- Having everyone stare at your plate when you eat in public.  If I don't eat a LOT, people ask if I am ok!  Are you kidding?  Do you expect me to always be shoving food into my face? 
- I am now officially too fat for the largest size at the Lane Bryant store.  I don't ever want to shop there again.
- Being overlooked or not considered for promotion.
 

I was so uncomfortable sitting at my desk today that I thought I would make a list of things I won't miss about being fat.  That way, when I am stressed after surgery or wondering if I made the right decision, I can read my list for encouragement.

- The weight of my abdomen as it sits on my thighs.
- Feeling like my gut is a separate entity that doesn't always move in the same direction as the rest of my body.
- My belly jiggling when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly.
- Living in fear of having my pic taken
- Being embarrassed to meet new people
- Not being taken seriously because I am fat
- Having to hide in the house, behind the phone....
- Now wanting to embarrass my kids.  I'd be embarrassed if i was them.
- Not being able to buy clothes in the store - I have to special order from a catalog
- Trying to rotate the 3-4 outfits that fit me and hope no one notices that I already wore this dress twice this week.
- No shoes that fit
- Living in fear that i will have to fly somewhere
- Having to sit with my legs spread
- Having aches in my abdomen and sides
- joint pains
- HIPS KILLING ME!
- sleepless and painful nights
 - feeling like I am chocking on my neck fat.
- using a CPAP
- having a fat face

I found out Friday that I will ahve surgery on 3/16/09/  I start my liquid diet on 3/9/09.  I am very excited.  I wish the surgery wasn't so far away, but my doc only does surgery at the hospital I have to go to once a month.  WOO HOO!  It's finally my turn.  I really need to use this time to get my house and family ready.  I explained what I was doing to my 11 year old, but not the twins.  I will talk to the twins, but they are young and I do'nt want to do it yet.  Marc told me last night that I thinks I am fine that way I am.  I told him that he words meant a lot to me, but I am doing this for my health.  He is old enough to be worried, so I am going to really involve him in my care.  That way he'll feel some control over the situation.