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19 years ago I was an exchange student to the Netherlands.  I had a great year with wonderful friends and family.  When my year was up I promised to visit frequently and keep in touch.  Then I came back to the states and gained weight, and kept gaining.....  Eventually, I couldn't come up with reasons that I wasn't visiting and especially that I wouldn't send pictures and the contact became less and less frequent.  Under NO circumstances would I have allowed my host family to see me the way I was.
Last month I had the opportunity to "visit" Holland while on a 9 hour layover on the way to Ghana.  Although I was nervous about doing so, (despite having lost over 100 lbs) I called my host family and told them I would be at the airport.  They drove the 2 hours each way to see me, and I was REALLY nervous.   Amazingly, they said I still looked THE SAME!!!!!!  I mentioned that I'm heavier than I was when I left them, and they said they couldn't tell at all!  I was thrilled to hear that, and I was SO blessed to have the opportunity to see them again.
Now I'm planning a real trip to my host country next summer, and I feel confident going back now!  And, since I'm still losing I will look even better then (my goal is to lose another 40 lbs.).  My only regret is that I didn't do this sooner!!!!!

I just spent four days in the hospital with the worst headache of my life (pseudo-tumor cerebri headache).  Once I got my therapeutic lumbar puncture, I got a post lumbar puncture headache that I suffered with for two days, because the neurologist said allowing more CSF (cerebro-spinal fluid) to leak is working just like a shunt and isn't such a bad thing unless it doesn't respond to any other interventions/ medications.  So, two days later, the anesthesiologist was able to see exactly where the CSF was leaking, drained a little more, and then patched the hole with my blood. 

All in all a fabulous way to spend a week, and if Gastric Bypass can make these symptoms resolve, then I'm all for it.  I'm still out of it, but at least I'm home and not vomiting and in excruciating pain.

Truthfully I have never been thin.  I'm not sure how it will feel.  It seems like since I've gotten a surgery date, I'm thinking more about how obesity has affected my life, from being teased as a child, rejected and ridiculed by kids and high school, and prevented me from doing things I would like to do in my adulthood. 

Today I went to the mall with my husband.  We went in to GNC to get some supplements, and I was so self-conscious I snapped at the man working there.  I felt like he was judging me for being heavy and in the "health store".  Later trying to explain what "happened"  was really hard.  I found myself telling him about all the times I've been judged and ridiculed-- especially in the mall, and just burst into tears. 

Last week we sent our exchange student home to Germany.  As we put his bags on the counter, I realized that those two (really heavy) suitcases weighed LESS together than the amount of extra weight I am carrying around.  Then it hit me.  NO WONDER I am so tired, and shy away from any kind of physical activity.  I could not carry those bags around for a half an hour, but I'm carrying more than that around with me ALL THE TIME, even when I'm sitting or sleeping. 

I suppose these things are normal thoughts as one prepares for weight loss surgery.  I'm trying to visualize myself thin, but its hard.  I look forward to times when I have energy to walk around the mall, and I don't worry about being made fun of just for how I look.  I can't wait to sit down at a booth in a restaurant and not worry if I will be able to breathe.  Mostly, I am so excited to be healthy.

June 27, 2010

My surgery is just 25 days away and I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  I'm so thankful to my doctors' and insurance company for making this dream a reality, and for my family and friends who are supporting me.  On the other hand, I've got so many mixed feelings.  Truthfully, I'm a little afraid that I won't do well.  What if I don't lose weight?  What I lose the weight and get too comfortable and gain it back.  What if I have complications in the hospital and I need to be out of work longer than I plan and then lose my job?

I know that I am the one that has control over most of those things.  I WILL lose weight, if I follow the doctors' orders, and the surgery will be the tool that will allow me to be successful at that.  Also, I've paid attention to others who have had the surgery-- I've seen many who have done well, and others who still look, well, "fluffy".  Generally, those "fluffy" people are the ones that go right back to eating the things they shouldn't eat, and portions that will stretch the pouch.  Also, if I do the diet for three weeks prior to the surgery as the surgeon requires, and if I take my vitamins and try to keep myself as healthy as possible, there are fewer risks of complications to the surgery. 

So, with knowledge is power, right?  I am very aware of what I need to do to make me be successful.  I certainly plan to do everything I can.  In fact, next weekend I'm going to start preparing my "blendarized" foods.  I'll continue taking my vitamins, and getting all the rest I can.  And, I will follow the diet I've been given.  Finally, I need to help myself relax and to spend time in prayer.