GettingItRight405

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10 months out...120 pounds down...10 pounds until first goal...20 pounds until dream goal...but why...
 Why do I not know who I am?
     I honestly thought that being at a normal weight would make me happy, but man was I wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO SO SO SO thankful to have had my sugery and be healthy, but that's the only thing I can really be happy about. I used to get by being happy with eating and people not paying attention to me. At first, all the attention was amazing...especially the attention from the opposit sex, but now I am learning what it is like to be the "skinny" girl. Most people don't care about what is inside of you anymore...they only care about what is under your clothes. I have also realized how biased this world is against larger people. I have had sooo many opportuniites arise since I have lost my weight. It was so hard to recognize at first, but now I see it.

One thing about this journey...I am finally telling select people that I have had surgery. Surprisingly most of them have been supportive about it and help me make better choices. It is great not to have to carry around my secret all the time.

I am close to my goal, but I need to get serious about everything again.

I have moved back in with my parents for the summer and I have fallen off the wagon. I have not lost any weight in the last month because I haven't been exercising and I haven't been eating right. I am mad at myself because I need to start doing the right thing...I am wasting precious time for weight loss. I am being stupid by not taking advantage. My hair is falling out so much...it depresses me.

This past week was definitely not  a good one!! I did not lose any weight!! BUT it is my fault. I didn't work out like I was supposed to and I ate TERRIBLY! I had carbs and sweets. I felt awful after eating those things and was all kinds of sick! I am mad at myself because I fell into habits from before surgery. I was and am still an emotional eater; I have worked on things and thought I was over it but the past week made me realize that I will always have to fight the urge to eat when I am upset. While, I am upset, I realize that this was an eye-opening experience because I know now that I have to follow the program in order to succeed.
Hope this week is better!!

I am very excited because I finally hit "ONEderland"!! I had a few weeks were I didn't lose any, but I kept up with my instructions from diet and exercise and I suddenly started losing again. I am so excited. I know now that the scale doesn't need to be the focus of my attention...instead, diet and exercise need to be the center of focus!!

I ranted earlier about being frustrated, but I made myself go to the gym. In fact, I just now got back and I am enjoying a bit of low cal vitamin water. The orange is delicious!! Just wanted to say that I went.

REMEMBER: Go to the gym...Look at the future! NOT THE SCALE...

So, I am about 13 1/2 weeks post-op and I haven't lost any weight in the last two weeks. I am becoming VERY frustrated because I am so close to "Onder-Land" and the scale just WILL NOT budge! I have been eating right and I got back on track with an exercise schedule. I am doing more cardio than I have ever been able to do before...I keep telling myself that the scale will move, but it isn't. I tell other people and they tell me not to worry about it...but I do. I guess that I am scared that I am not doing something right and/or this is all the weight that I will lose PERIOD. I know that I shouldn't think that way, but it keeps coming to mind. I have been so excited that I fit into clothes at most stores, but there are so many brands that I am still too large to fit into...I just don't want this to be the end of my journey. It is hard to make myself work-out some days because I haven't seen the scale move. I am just frustrated and can't really talk to anyone about it.
I don't regret my surgery for one minute, but I am hoping that this stall will end ASAP!

I got my date for surgery this past Monday. January 12th is the day that will change my life forever. I am really excited, but terribly nervous at the same time.  I just hope that I can succeed with this tool. I need to quit reading articles on the internet.  I am having gastric sleeve, and I am terrified of getting the surgery and then stretching my pouch out.  I know that I MUST follow Dr. B and Jess's rules to the extreme...but I am still scared. Also, I am scared about the surgery itself. I know that Dr. B is amazing, but horrible thoughts keep popping into my head.

On a different note, I hate dealing with the CPAP. I finally got a mask that was bareable...But now it is leaking water everywhere. I go to sleep with the humidifier on like 3 and wake up drenched.  I don't know what to do about it.  I don't feel that it is normal, but I don't know what to do. I know that when you have sleep apnea treated, you are supposed to sleep less and have more energy. I haven't noticed a difference at all. The machine drives me crazy. I go to sleep with it on, but it wakes me up many times during the night.  Around 7, I usually wake up, take it off, and go back to sleep.  I am pretty sure that this isn't right. I am hoping that the sleep apnea will be gone after some weight is lost.

I have lost more than my goal weight, but I am scared about keeping it all off during the holidays. I was kind of bad tonight and had a small slice of cheesecake.  I just need to get my butt back in gear ASAP.