Greg K.

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My "surgiversary" slipped by a few weeks ago. Holding steady at 244, pretty much what I weighed in high school (and I thought I was HUGE. Little did I know how HUGE I'd get, 384 at worst).

Five years out, I'm still glad I had RNY. I wish I weighed 192, so I could be literally "half the man I used to be." Hell, I'd love to lose 10 pounds and keep 'em off. 

Three years ago today, weighing 350 pounds, I went into the hospital for the first surgery of my life, at 49 years old. Today, at 52, I feel a lot younger. My lowest weight since surgery was 212, then the Honeymoon ended. My depression flared up again, went back on antidepressants, which helped. But... I've fallen off the wagon in the past six months or so, and now weigh 245 pounds. I've begun to return to my planned eating, already lost 5 pounds. Yes, I still know how! But wow. You never get over it being hard. WLS is not easy. Gaining is easy. But my honeymoon period changed my life experience from being a circus freak fatty to blending in as chunky. Not the fattest guy in the room very often any more. I use the urinal in the men's room (you really big guys know it gets hard to do at a certain point) and I get morning wood! Plus, I can tie my own shoes, wipe my own butt, and shop for clothes at regular stores. These are all good things I want to preserve. 

 

WLS didn't "fix" my life, but it made me see another life other than "fat guy" was possible for me. I would do it again.

But, it's time to go back to the gym. More soon. 

Wow, it was May when I last posted. I've lost a lot since then!!

Just a note to say I'm still here... plugging along... I can't belive it will be a year next month!! I've lost 100 pounds since surgery... 150 altogether (dieted off 44 pounds the year before surgery... lost 16 on the liquid diet).

My issue, at 11 months out, is the re-gain paranoia. I'm going to the gym... some weeks more than others... and really trying to vary the routine so I keep it up. I've really found yoga to be helpful... I go to Svaroopa Yoga class every week and it eases my aches & pains a lot. You can learn more about this easy, gentle form of yoga here: http://www.svaroopayoga.org/

Where the rubber will meet the road for me? The inner work. I see a therapist weekly, I've started a group with that therapist as well. I'm attending a mindfulness meditation group, and meditating as often as I can. My goal is 30 minutes daily. One thing that's surfacing as I listen more carefully and take my "inner temperature" is that I've got a lot of "awfulizing" going on... my inner voices making catastrophes out of everything. There's a part of my thinking that makes a major drama out of every move I make, I swear to God. And... worse... because I don't like this voice, I've allowed it to slip under my consciousness. I.E... I have this drama going on a lot, part of my daily existence... and it's not reviewed or evaluated for truth. The drama is my companion... the drama itself shields me from reality... I cling to it as a (false) safety net, perhaps because I maintain a (false) sense of control over life... a separateness from life... the REAL dramas can't get me if I'm all bolluxed up with my silly pretend dramas. At this stage of my life I'm trying to "witness" all this... pay attention without judging... trying to learn my patterns and see them for what they are. All the while, focusing on my overall goal of true happiness, which I've come to believe is an awful lot under my control. of course, something really awful could happen (cancer, family member ill or dying) but that's not happening right now. All is well. I'm focusing on the wellness... listening to how my inner self is dealing with all the rapid change... trying to learn what makes me want to eat cookies, sugar, starch, etc etc.

Well, that was quite the download. Stay tuned for more... I really do think the mental/emotional/spiritual work is the key for me and long-term success at weight loss. For, in truth, the REAL goal that motivated me when I started to pursue surgery was contentment and happiness--I didn't feel happy at 384 pounds. I felt old. I felt disabled. I couldn't wipe my own hiney, put on my own socks, or stand all the way through a choir concert. I can do all those things and more, now... a beautiful gift that I treasure at the ripe old age of 50. It's true when folks say "I've got my life back." Now, the task is to settle in to this new life comfortably... to allow the dramas to peter off, replaced with ways of thinking and feeling that better serve my goals of contentment and happiness.

I'm so grateful for an understanding, loving wife (who also had RNY, in August--she's lost 90 pounds, losing faster than I did!). I'm grateful for a job I enjoy, being an announcer at a public radio station. I'm grateful for my family, and wish I got to see my brother and sister more often (they live 3 & 5 hours away). I'm grateful for activities that bring me joy, like singing in choir, playing with my iPhone, petting our 17 year old pussycat, and... wait for it... going to the gym!!

Speaking of which, guess what I'm procrastinating at this very moment!!! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Time to bundle up, go clean the considerable snow off my car, and meet my appointment with the Stairmaster.

TTFN.

gk

Since my all-time high weight of 384 pounds, January 2009, I have now lost 101 pounds! 45 lost since RNY three months ago!! Scale says 283 this morning.



I'm having some issues getting my butt moving. Surgeon says "walk at least 10 minutes every day!" But I tend to walk three times a week at this point.

Having some issues eating enough... no interest. many days, just two small meals and two protein drinks. Probably WAY less than 1000 calories. I bet I'd lose faster if I ate more. Just not interested, sometimes seems like too much work finding something I can eat, chewing it, etc.

And... having some really down days. Feel OK today... yoga class in about a half hour. Sorta hate it, but like the effect on my bod. I can tie my shoes and wipe my butt! Wah hooo!!! Glad I'm in counseling, I think I'm really going to lean on him in the coming months. I didn't count on the emotional up-and-down... but I suppose it's par for the course with all the changes in my body.

That, my friends, was the sound of 300 pounds going by on the way down.



Wah HOO! I just had to snap a pic... day before Easter. It's a solid 298 today, thank you very much.

Wah Hoo!!!!  

I was MC for an antiques show last night. I did a lot of standing and walking, and it didn't hurt! I don't even hurt this morning.

So, the confession... look at how big that jacket is. I'm in denial about how small I'm getting. My confession... I'm afraid to pinch myself and deal with the reality of losing weight consistently now.

Commentors on some previous blogs have said "it's not micro when you can do something you couldn't before." So... you're right. I'm already gaining back some of my life I lost to obesity... and yet it feels early in this process (six weeks, three days post op). I guess the dirty little secret is that the surgery, while important, is not the big deal key to this process like it feels like it is. It's the lifestyle mods... it's the 56 pounds I lost before surgery... the last 24 are great, too, but the first 56 really count!!

So, now I'm going to practice pinching myself, at least mentally, and say "hey! Enjoy the ride!"

Started with a psychologist near my home yesterday. I didn't select a weight loss/eating disorder expert... that was on purpose. I want to deal with all my issues... the self-worth, the self-sabotage, etc etc. We'll see if I goofed, but so far so good. I've been in therapy before, but it's been several years. I kind of hate the "getting to know you" phase where I spend the 50 minutes telling him my story. But I know I have to invest this time to reap the reward of getting some insight into what's up with my emotions. I'm getting frustrated easily... seems like more easily than I remember. And other stuff. Don't want to wig out on the way down here!!

OK, I really should do some work. TTFN

For several years, I've been unable to put on my own socks. Flexibility issues, especially with my left hip and leg. I've had to wake up my dear honey to ask her to put on my socks when I was getting up early. And, forget tying shoes. I bought several slip-on pairs with no laces.

So today... I got up early, and decided to try putting on my own socks, and guess what???! I can do it myself, and it doesn't even hurt!!!

                                                                                        

This is a "big deal." One I thought wouldn't come for me for another 25-50 pounds. I think maybe two weeks of yoga classes doesn't hurt. But at any rate, "Hello, my name is Greg, I'm 49 years old, and I can put on my own socks!"

I'm a sock-wearin' fool this morning. And it's time to buy some new shoes that actually tie... these slip-ons are getting too loose for exercise walking anyway..

And... really looking forward to yoga class this morning, so there.

OK, still not down under the magic 300-pound barrier, but I had a mini-wow moment this morning.

I had to scan my license for the Business Manager of the non-profit board I chair, and I hadn't actually looked at the picture for a while. This is me, just one year ago (compare to my profile picture, which is only about a week old):

I look kinda happy, but I remember not being all that happy. I know it hurt to stand for any length of time, and a lot of walking was out of the question. I feel like in some ways I've barely begun my journey (six weeks post op on Tuesday) but in other ways, I've been on this path for a long, long, time. By the time this picture was taken I had resolved to really do something about my weight and had begun to lose a little. Maybe that's why I look happy?

I swear to God, I have been the model patient. Having studied the RNY surgery for literally six years... having comparison shopped local surgeons' programs and choosing a really good one... having followed my doc's and nut's instructions, written and otherwise to a "t," having gone faithfully to support groups (an hour away from home) for over six months... I'm just a little downtrodden about the slow weight loss.

I weigh 312 this morning... a grand total of 16 pounds lost in the 32 days since my surgery. OK, when I type it that way, I see it's a pound every other day. I had just been led to expect more like 10 pounds per week... and expected to be well under the magic 300lbs mark by now. I mean, when I was "dieting" carefully before surgery, I could lose more than five pounds a week some weeks.

OK, here's where I lecture myself. See, I've read a LOT of stuff on the internet... OH and others. I really do know all the answers. Wanna hear 'em?

"How are your portions? [within spec., I think, really] Are you measuring? [not religiously] Are you journaling? [no]

"Are you getting in your 64+ oz. of liquid every day? [yes, and then some... that I track pretty carefully]

"How about your supplements?" [I'm very careful about that... Bariatric Advantage chewable multi 2x/day... chewable Calcium Citrate 3x/day... sublingual B12... iron supplement]

"Are you exercising? Your nut said 5x week." [arg. about once a week... working to get it into my schedule. Moving a lot more than I used to... parking far from doors, taking the stairs, etc etc. Weekly yoga class.]

It'll be five weeks this Tuesday. Shouldn't I have lost at least 30 pounds? Is that an unreasonable expectation? 16. It's been 16 pounds.

A lotta work & pain & expense for 16 pounds.

OK, pity party over. Today I graduate from mushies to soft solid food. Not a moment too soon!!

I only log weights at the Drs' office or nut's office. Maybe scales are screwy, but I'm three weeks post-RNY and I have lost a grand total of 10 pounds. I am eating and drinking by the book. Serious wackiness here. When does the 10 lbs/week weight loss begin? Feeling a little discouraged today.

I'm quite sure I'm eating well under 1,000 calories per day. I lost 15 pounds on the two week pre-op liquids-and-veggies diet.

I be perplexed, I tells ya. Maybe I'm just an impatient patient, ha.

On the happy front, I've had zero complications, haven't vomited once, have good energy and I've been able to get all my protein and fluids in, no problem.  I've been to the gym twice since my surgeon cleared that for me. Need to get up to five times per week according to my NUT. Change in work schedule will take some getting used to... perhaps I can get my butt to the gym tomorrow morning BEFORE work, now that work doesn't start 'til 11:15am. (Quite a change from 5:30am! I'm not saying I miss that, really I'm not!)