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So I went to my last nutrition appt and had  my final weigh in before my surgery, which is on Monday...OMG only 4 days left and counting. So I can officially say I lost a total of 70 lbs even in the last 12 weeks on my optifast and working out really hard...it hasn't been easy ecspecially emotionally and it really hit  me today when my dietician and my surgeon both congratualted me on my success thus far and told me they just both knew I would do amazing...God I hope so...everyone is so excited as am I but the emotions are running really high because for the first time in my life I can actually say I am accomplishing something and follwoing through...I guess that's why I worry about failing after surgery...even more so after sitting in today with a post-op patient of one year who has really struggled with her surgery and is gaining her weight back...I don't ever want to turn back and I just want to continue to do better...I know so much good things are just waiting to happen for me...everyone keeps telling me they can see it and they can tell...honestly I wish I had the same faith...Im hoping its just nerves I always get really anxious when something good is gonna happen and most times it doesn't work out so this keeps playing in my head but I know Im ready...Im ready for the new me, for life and everything it has to offer in every way possible...Im not looking to be a certain size or a supermodel, just healthy and happy, and really feel comfortable in  my own skin...I have so many plans and goals I want to reach and do that I just know there's no turning back! Well this may be the last chance I get to post before I come home from surgery but Im going to try really hard to post one more time before I go. I report Monday at 7am and then surgery is at 9am...and God willing all goes well I'll be home tuesday afternoon...I have been on this journey for 7 years now and well this is my time...so to all about to have surgery in the next few days my best of luck to all of you and my prayers are with you...to all who have just had surgery or are on the path to a better life congratulations and I am so happy for you...I loof forward to the months ahead of me and the continues support and friendships I have found here...so THANK YOU to everyone and my love to all....

PS I keep hearing about this angel program but I haven't figured out how to sign up to hopefully recieve an Angel...so if anyone knows or is willing please let me know! Thanks so much! I can also be reached at my yahoo which I check daily [email protected]!

So it's been a month since my last blog or update of any sort! I have to say the past month has been a very long emotional rollercoaster in all senses! I can't believe that after 7 long years of going through this process I'm only 7 days away from my surgery date! My emotions are running rampid and I'm excited, nervous and overwhelemed all at the same time! I am on my last week of  my Optifast Diet and have lost 70lbs since I started in March! It's an amazing feeling because so many things have improved just from that. My cholestorel is perfect, my blood pressure right on target and I passed all my clearances with flying colors. Everyday I look in the mirror I can't believe how much I have changed inside and out. But I do have to say that even with all the amazing progress I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the new me and am even more scared as to my own reactions are going to be post-op! I guess when you spen your entire life being this way you don't realize how different life is any other way! I have gotten lots of positive feedback from many people but have also realized that some who are close to  me still don't know how to react. I never imagined I could have so many emtotions aone time. I almost have to say I feel more insecure than I ever did before. I'm not saying that I don't want this I guess I'm just worried that I may fail or that I'm going to change! I pray that the person who I am andhave always been on the inside doesn't go anywhere because that's what I am most proud of but I do realize that there are going to be alot of changes I'm going to have to learn how to handle! I know I can do this, it's just so surreal! Well all I can say is here's to a whole new life and new beginnings, I truely feel as though I'm learning how to live all over again! My best to everyone and hopefully I'll get a chance to post once more before I go under! And thank you to all of my friends for all the suppport and positive feedback always! Honestly this site has been a god send!

So tonight I finished that last of three lifestyle classes I had to take as part of my program for my weight loss surgery...I have to admit I thought I was pretty well versed on what I needed to know but yeah I learned a ton more and even have a million more questions and thoughts running through my head but Im on my way... a few more appointments and that's it...Just keep on trying to loose weight until my day arrives...Oh and yes week 9 of Optifast...I was a little nervous about my weigh in but I did loose 3 more pounds so Im down 60 lbs since March 26 not to bad considering it's the first time ever I have really tried and stuck to something...SO yeah this is my time for sure!

   So I just wanted to say that one of the best things I have done in these past few weeks is really get to know people on this site! I was a little hesitant at first because there are so many "support" sites...but this one is definalty the best...and I have most definatly met some real angels in disguise! LoL  And you know who you are but everyone has been super supportive and inspiring...so I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone and here's to a new long happy life for all of us!

So for some reason this week at my weigh in(thursdays) I didn't loose any weight, I actually gained 2 pounds...Ugh unbelievable because I went back and looked at my food diary and well, Im not over my calories set by my nutritionist and havn't cheated in anyway...I have been on the program for 9 weeks and have been doing really well sticking to the plan...I did have a few days that weren't to the tee but I always stayed under my caloric intake...Now I have to admit that this past week I have been so all over the place with appointments that I didn't get to the gym...which makes me feel even worset because I feel useless unless I get to the gym...and now that I have an actual surgery date well Im so anxious about gaining a single ounce before hand if anything I wanted to loose another 20 pounds...ecspecially since they won't let me excersise for about 4 weeks post-op...Yeah Im really over ananlyzing everything these days...this is something I have wanted for so long and now it's so close that Im super stressed...Im not sure if it's my thoughts of am I doing the right thing(I know I am) but also how others are going to react...I already have people reacting differently to me in just the 56 lbs I have lost...I know Im going to change but the real me...the person everyone says is so loving and caring will always be here...Im just getting a chance to really live my life but it just seems as though now alot of people can't believe Im actually doing this and going through with it...I dont know maybe it's me...

Is anyone out there been in the same place...super excited, worried, anxious and just plain frustrated!

 OMG I can't seem to figure out how to make the picture right for my avatar or how to fix the weight loss tracker, post music or anything else...anyone who can help I would love it...Im never this bad with computers! LoL

So I go tomorrow to see the cardiologist for my TEE to check out my heart murmur...if all goes well then Im off and ready for surgery for sure...I am nervous though because I hate being put under but you have to do what you have to do right..I keep reminding myself it's all for the best in the end! Wish me luck!

So I finally recieved the call I have been waiting for all my life...the surgical schedular called me today to tell me that my lap band surgery is scheduled for July 6, 2009! OMG that's only 7 weeks away! Funny something I have been waiting for forever and now it's here and I can't believe it...God willing I'll continue on my path to self betterment and make it through with flying colors...it's scary but I know the effects of not getting it done are even scarier! So one day at a time and Im well on  my way to a better me. Just have to stay focused and remember that even though it took this long 7 years to get what I wanted it's finally here and there's no turning back. I was hoping to have the sleeve done but unfortunatly my insurance doesn't cover it so I opted for the lap band...I'm not a big fan of having those little ports inside of me but Im sure it will be okay and not as bad as I think once I get it done...so here's to 7 weeks of anticipation and prepration! Anyone whose had this procedure please let me know what you think of it and about how you feel now!

So it's been a while since I have posted any new blogs...the past few weeks have been super busy with appointments and I started my life skills classes on thursday, the final phase to my clearance for surgery...I have completed all my appointments to clear me for surgery...it's almost unreal how fast everything is happening...seems like the past 8 weeks have gone by faster then I ever imagined they would and that I would be this close to havingmy surgery scheduled...they're talking about July...I'm ready now but they're already booked through June so Im patiently waitng for the scheduler to call me with a date, hopefully Monday. I have to admit I have days where I can't believe I am actually doing this and then I have days where all I can see is everything coming together...thank God I have such an amazing team helping me through all of this ecspecially my dietician...she has been amazing in everyway and hasn't let me quit or forget my final outcome will be much better than my situation now...though I have to say I feel amazing right now...I have lost 56 pounds since staritng my optifast program on March 26 and working out and it's unreal just how much that little bit of weight has changed my life already in so many ways...Im shopping for new clothes, not to many because I know it's only going to get better but it was wonderful to walk in a store and buy something rather than order it online and not only that but not have to buy the biggest size they had! I'm much more mobile and full of energy but trust me I still have my days...I only lost 3 pounds at my last weigh in on thursday but I knew it would slow down eventually but it's still better than none...trying to stick out these next four weeks is going to be the hardest because the closer I get the more anxious I get...again wondering if Im doing the right thing...I know this is my time but it's still a little scary knowing how drastically my life is going to change...and funny it has nothing to do with eating less or the food just all the other changes that come with it...I turn 30 in November so I'm hoping this will be a big birthday to remember not only because it's the big 30 but because I will hopefully be a lot smaller probably smaller than I have been in the past ten years...there are so many people who have no idea what Im goinig through or what Im about to do...partly because I feel it's my battle and secondly because I need them to see that there was always this other person they could never see... and not physically but the real me...the one they couldn't see because all they were looking at was the outside cover and making all the usual assumptions...I have been on this journey for almost my whole entire adult life and finally this is my time...when it's right it's right and it's all falling right into place...and yet that still a little scary to  me...most would think that finally achiveing this goal would be my dream come true and it is but at the same time you worry about how people are going to react...for some reason when you better yourself some people who you thought we're in your corner just can't handle it...but with my family, friends, and God, and of course my new friends here I will make it through this...and I know this is a life long journey now and that once I have my surgery that doesn't mean the end but I have been trapped for so long living a life that I knew wasn't mine and needing to do so much more with myself that I need to keep my head up and keep rolling...as a good friend of mine once said! So I'll continue to work my optifast and hope I loose at least 20 more pounds by the time I finish...and then the scary part will be the wait in between not being on the program and waiting for my surgery which will be a few weeks in between...I just don't want to gain an ounce back of what I have lost and I want to continue to move forward but I know my dietcian Angela will keep me straight! So here's to another long week, or so they seem because they are actually moving right along but when your facing this alone so to speak it can seem like forever...I have a few tests this week and then I'm done...just to wait for the actual date but all I can say is this program turned out to be blessing in disguise and I couldn't be more grateful!

So another week over and a new one to start on my 12 week Optifast program! I only lost two pounds this week, I weigh in every thursday but I am down 43 total since I started March 12! I lost the first 20 on my own by joining the gym and watching what I ate! Then actually started the program on the 26th!

It's very convienant and my nutrionest is the best ever! She really keeps me motivated and always listens! So here's to another week hoping I do a little better this next thursday but hey 2 is better than none right! I think so!