Hobbitgirl
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have come to the threshold of WLS, only to stop because someone influenced me to try another method. I never realized until about a year ago how much of a co-dependent I was! Maybe it was the fact my parents tried desperately to protect me as a child, therefore taking advantage of them through my teenage years into adulthood. Maybe it was because for as long as I could remember, I only could identify myself with what boyfriend I had at the time. You see, I wasn’t always heavy. I was always an active child, with memories of riding bikes for hours, playing tag and making up homemade obstacle courses in the backyard with my little sisters. I was also a competitive swimmer and tennis player for 12 years. So what happened? My story is sad, but profound…
When I was six years old, I was sexually molested by two female babysitters who I was under their care for about 6 months. With that I became a very intolerable and overly dramatic kid, who desperately craved attention. When I was 12 years old, the Catholic Schools in my town consolidated to save money, and our school got lumped with 4 other schools, giving us a class size double from what I was used to. A girl in our class, who came from a wealthy family, found no desire to be my friend, as I was too short and midget-like to be her friend. She seduced all of my friends I had grown up with, only to find myself isolated and ostracized by my friends, being severely bullied to the point my parents eventually pulled me out of the school.
My rebellious and attention-seeking phase lasted many years as a teenager, causing family uproar with my parents and my sisters, resulting in being indirectly named as the “black sheep” of the family. I was too focused of just being accepted, that I didn’t even realize that I started having a terrible relationship with the food I was putting into my mouth. My mom was almost obsessed with my weight issues, I remember her crying her eyes out in the dressing room when she realized my size 12 prom dress would need to go to a 14. She told me I was big as a house. I’ll never forget that. As I got into college, the eating didn’t stop. There was no question I was an emotional eater, but I found I ate whenever any type of emotion came about me. So, I ate pretty much all the time. And my relationship with my mom was deteriorating. She kept telling me I was going to die eventually if I didn’t lose the weight. I was 20 years old and weighing 150 pounds. It’s funny, because today, my mom tells me she would do anything to have me back to that weight. I think she realized how hard she was on me, but in the end, I don’t blame her. I blame myself to not being mature enough to accept I had real problems. I was really good at hiding my weight, as I found I was really good at hiding all the pain. My parents had me in therapy, but they thought it was because I just was rebellious and didn’t want to listen. They didn’t know about the abuse and the true extent of the bullying. I was an angry and hurt young woman, and I was going down a horrible path.
Fast forward 10 years. After getting married and having our first son, life was okay. I was still gaining weight, but slowly. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease. Sure, I tried all different weight loss programs, from Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, pills, soups, you name it. But the moment I wanted to join a gym, my husband (ex now) told me I wasn’t allowed to because he didn’t trust the men out there. Over those years our relationship went on a downward spiral, not understanding why his attitude was getting worse. Sure, he would call me things like stupid, ignorant, and sometimes a bad parent, but honestly I was so naïve that I thought this was how some marriages were! When my family explained to me how abusive he was being, I got out. My son (5 years old at the time) went with me, and filed for divorce. I found out in the interim he had been cheating on me with a woman from his job, and was drinking behind my back (in the amount of like a jug of wine each night). I was divorced from him in 2009.
Over that time I considered WLS, but my mom and my one sister, as well as my PCP told me I needed to find alternative ways. That it was considered an “easy way out” and a more lazy approach. That I didn’t want to work at losing weight. I was horrified and angry, because I knew my body more than anyone. I found myself walking every day, going to the gym, but the weight wasn’t coming off. And each time I wanted to do surgery, someone found a “better” way to lose it. And another year went by with my trying to the point my eyes wanted to bleed. And nothing was sticking. I was losing hope. I kept looking at my little boy, and I knew he deserved so much better from me. I felt like I didn’t deserve anything and fell into a deep depression.
I ended up doing a major life review. I found I had depended on so many people to tell me the answers, and had such high expectations from others to bail me out, fix me, take care of me, that I lost my own voice. Maybe I never had it. I prayed about it. Within that time I realized my spiritual beliefs were no longer what I grew up as a child. I left the Catholic Church and started following the path of a Celtic Pagan, which has provided me with the most uplifting peace. I started taking care of myself. Refused help from others, because I wanted to prove to myself I could handle the work. And I realized how strong I was. I went back into therapy and got some great coping skills for my family and others who had such an strong influence in my life. Little by little my distance from everyone brought a little sadness, but I think at the end of the day, much relief. And with that, I took the first step to WLS for the final time.
I went to my initial consultation with the Bariatric Program at Einstein Medical in Norristown, PA. I met with Dr. Alfred Trang. What a lovely man. He knows his stuff and loves what he does. I trust him completely. I’ve gone to so many seminars throughout the last several years he was shocked I knew so much about the surgery. My boyfriend/soon-to-be-fiancée, Scott, who is the most lovely and romantic man, has been such a support through all of this. I am grateful for his friendship, his love and his unconditional support. I was alone for 3 years before him, and I am blessed to have him in me and my son’s life.
So, that’s me right now. My surgery will be scheduled after my program ends 3rd week in June (I believe), which would put my surgery sometime in July. I’ve been cleared medically and psychologically, and now just going to work on weaning myself off things that will no longer be a part of my life.
Oh, my mom, you ask? Yup, I told her. And she told me that she loves me, and will pray for me. Nothing else. It was probably the best response I would ever get from her, and I am eternally grateful because I love her so much, and I want her to see how happy I know I will be when I get my health and body back. 
