Imabefoxy
Let's see, where do I start?
It wasn't until later in life did I learn that ever since I was little I've been hearing, "You're fat/stupid/ugly/worthless". When I was about 9 years old, I went to go live with my mom. Up until then I had always lived with my dad and he did what had to to get by, including living with my grandma and working 3 jobs at a time. I never knew how hard he worked to do his best for me. So, of course at 9 years old, I couldn't even begin to imagine the heartbreak I caused my dad by agreeing to go live with my mom. Fast forward to age 18. I'm pregnant with my first child, moved out of the hell that was my mom's house, and became much closer to my dad's side of the family, closer than I had ever been--my mom refused I visit them ever. It was then that my aunt (my dad's sister) told me about horror stories of when I was little. How I'd come back to my dad's from visiting my mom and I always looked so sad. How I'd always get mad at myself and say I'm stupid, ugly, fat, etc. When asked where I heard this?? I told them my mom said it to me. This is when I was 3, 4, 5...ALL MY LIFE!! I thought as a teenager that I WAS fat. I was always trying to diet or exercise and always failed. And because I couldn't stick to any plan I felt my mom was right; I was a loser, a failure, worthless, and would never amount to anything. Fast forward again to now. I'm 31, nearing 300lbs, and would give anything to be "fat" like I was in my teen years. Even at my "fattest" I was 165 (when I got pregnant with my first son).
There's been a LOT of ups and downs in my adult years, but if it wasn't for therapy, God only knows where I'd be!! I learned once that how I was raised had a lot to do with my being overweight. Not only the emotional abuse, but just everyday things like eating dinner standing up, never having snacks in the house, my mom constantly complaining about water and how "gross" it is yet, never having anything for us to drink in the house. Once in a blue moon she'd have Diet Shasta for us kids, but heaven forbid we drink her Crystal Light lemonade!! No wonder I started gaining weight once I met my husband (we're high school sweethearts)! Between going to my dad's every other weekend and binging (our first order of duty was to hit up the grocery store and buy JUNK every time!!) and my now husband taking me out to eat and what-not, I felt like I was in Heaven with all this FOOD!! Forget the company I was in, I wanted the food! Even sleepovers with my girlfriends revolved around food. Was there going to be Cheetos? Mt. Dew?! Then heck yeah, I'm there! Once I moved out of my mom's house and had my own money to spend, I SPLURGED on FOOD!! Remember, when I moved out, I was pregnant. I gained at least 60 lbs with him. I remember the scale reading 220 and I just wanted to DIE!! I couldn't believe I let it get that bad.
Just like I can't believe I've let myself get to 287lbs now :( I remember a time once, at around 250lbs, a doctor suggested WLS and I about slapped their face!! I was completely offended that they suggested that I couldn't lose weight on my own. Well, they were right. That was about 7 years ago and here I am even fatter. I've tried Alli, Weight Watchers (twice), low carb/calorie/sugar, detox diets; all to no avail. At one point, I did end up losing 50lbs, but have NO idea how! I wasn't exercising or eating differently. Then of course I got pregnant again and gained it all back and then some! Now I'm seeking help with WLS and praying I get approved and can go on with life, happily and healthy. I owe it to my husband and kids and especially to myself. If there's one thing I've heard throughout all the years of therapy from different therapists, it's that I AM worth it!!
