Jenny B.
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Before surgery and 1 year later
If this is your first time visiting my journal, note that I update to thetop. Each time you return, you'll know right away whether I've updated. To begin at the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and work your way up. Thanks for reading and please email">mailto:[email protected]">email me if you can relate!
A brief intro, written in December 2004:
I live in Jamaica.
I've been looking into WLS for about two years now. I believe it is a viable solution for me to a problem that will only get worse as the years go by. Here are my stats:
35 years old---5'9" (175cm)---245 lbs (113k)---37.8 BMI
I am down to this weight from 260 lbs (118k) and 39.4 BMI.
CURRENT STATS (June 06, 2006):
150 lbs (68k) --- 22.9 BMI
:: 11 November, 2006 ::
I am down to 140-143 pounds. I am often sick... I seem to constantly have an infection of some sort, and I think this is because I do not take my vitamins as I should. I believe my immune system is severely compromised. This worries me a lot, but I hope it serves as a warning to those who are contemplating surgery or who are newly post-op. Please don't be fooled by the fact that you feel good now. Vitamin deficiencies take time to show, and by the time you are in a bad spot, it takes time to correct it too.
Although I do not regret having the surgery at all, I am a bit depressed about my health. I am also angry at myself for not taking the proper precautions to have prevented this situation.
:: 06 June, 2006 ::
I've been holding pretty steady at 150 pounds (68 K) for some time now. The other day I noticed that I'd dropped to 148 and it alarmed me. I hadn't been eating enough - I knew that.
I do have an appetite, and sometimes I feel very hungry and think I'm about to chow down the way I used to, but once I'm confronted with the food, it becomes obvious that I can not and do not want to eat very much.
I can now tolerate nearly any food, but some things seem to affect me weirdly. There are a number of foods that I used to like that I just don't care for any more.
I can certainly eat more volume than I could before, but it's still small. I can eat what looks to me like a smallish normal plate of food. I like that, because people don't keep asking me why I'm not eating.
I can also tolerate sugar much better now. For some people that's not a good thing. I understand that. Since sugar was never a weight issue for me (I didn't get fat from sweets, I got fat from voluminous amounts of F-O-O-D), I haven't made an effort to keep the dumping thing going for myself. People do that by avoiding sugar at all costs, so that any time they're tempted, they end up with dumping syndrome and are so miserable they (hopefully) won't try it again soon. I have been eating increasingly larger amounts of sugar all along with the hope that I would become more tolerant to it.
I know that is opposite of what most people want, but my goal has always been to be "normal." I want to go to a wedding and eat a few bites of cake and not vomit. I want to go to a food-tasting event and not have to ask every vendor whether there's any sugar in anything. I don't drink soda, and I rarely drink juice (even "no sugar added" juice has lots of sugar). I use artificial sweetner in my coffee and tea when I drink it and I don't go crazy at the dessert table. I do have a weakness for chocolate the week before my menses, but I don't dare eat a whole chocolate bar. I have developed a serious lactose intolerance though. Eating more than three spoonfuls of ice cream makes me absolutely miserable.
I have joined a yoga studio in Kingston and am going regularly. They offer a variety of types of fitness classes, but I decided to start with yoga. I want to rediscover my long-lost flexibility, and it is definitely strengthening my muscles. I'm hoping that after a couple of months more I'll be up to doing more active classes (like spinning).
My boobs look great - absolutly fabulous! Everything looks good on me now and Donnie just keeps ordering dress after dress for me from these super-sexy clothing catalogues.
I want to remind anyone reading this though, that although my life is much improved with this weight loss, it didn't make my problems disappear. There are things I struggle with that have nothing to do with weight, and if you think that x, y or z will be better "if only I didn't have this weight on me" you are dead wrong. If you have a drinking problem, you will still have a drinking problem (no, that's not one of my issues). If you fight with your husband/kids/boss/mother, you will after you lose weight too. If you think you are fat and worthless, you need to work on that, because after you lose weight you will look in the mirror and still see a worthless you. There will just be fewer pounds of you!
Until next time my friends....
Love and care for yourself right now no matter your current weight!
:: 05 February, 2006 ::
It's been one year since my gastric bypass surgery. I feel so good about myself! I got back the me I thought I'd lost, and I love what I see in the mirror and what I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Sometimes it's still hard - Occasionally I still throw up, and if I don't chew well enough I get really uncomfortable. Beef is really hard for me to chew well enough, so I can't enjoy a steak anymore. Pizza is way too doughy, so I can't enjoy that like I used to (though I still eat one piece now and then). Carbonated drinks don't sit well at all, and there are even certain foods that don't taste good to me anymore (for example, I used to love tuna, but now I find it absolutely puke-a-riffic). I find that sugar doesn't bother me as much as it does some other people, but too much (say a glass of orange juice or a whole piece of cake) causes dumping syndrome.
On the other hand, I find it a beautiful freedom to know that I can go to a restaurant, truly enjoy my food, and yet consume a very small portion. It is an amazing thing to me to go to a pizza place, and barely be able to eat one slice from a small pizza. I love that I go to a party and think about who will be there rather than what food will be there.
I am down to 150 pounds and I really, really, really don't want to lose anymore. I am starting to look too skinny.
One of the things that has been a struggle is that my partner met me as a fat girl, and loves fat girls. He is really unhappy about how thin I've gotten, and every time we are in an intimate situation, he talks about how nice I was when I was fat. It's hard on my self-esteem. I've told him that it makes me feel bad, but what can I do? He loves me, but desperately misses his fat girl.
At 5'9" and 150 pounds, I can find clothes to fit me in any store. I wear some of the most daring outfits you can imagine! I love it! I used to hate going to a formalwear store and having to choose from a couple of drapy pants-suit things. Now I can find gorgeous gowns anywhere I go.
My ankle and knee issues have disappeared completely. I sometimes feel tired and rundown, but I suspect that's because I'm not terribly compliant with my vitamin regime.
So, one year after surgery, would I do it again? Absolutely and without hesitation. This surgery really gave me back my life and my body.
:: 26 December, 2005 ::
Even though I can clearly eat more food than I could before, I am still losing weight. I don't want to lose any more though! I used to think that I wanted to be about 140 (which is right in the middle of my "ideal" BMI range), but I think I'll look way too thin at that weight. I am focusing on exercising now. Of course, I should have been doing that all along, but to be honest, it's something I hate, hate, hate.
I'm joining a local gym. Out here in the Jamaican countryside, the gym is quite different from what Americans are used to. This one is only open four days per week from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. It is very small, and there is an "instructor" though I don't know what his qualifications are. There is one treadmill, a stairstepper machine, a couple of stationary bikes, and a weight set. The only reason I'm joining is that some of the girls in town go there and it will give me a little company while I work out. It is insanely cheap - the equivalent of about US$10 per month. I have been making a real effort to exercise at home for the last week, and I do feel better about myself for doing it.
I find that I can eat nearly anything I want to now, but some foods still cause problems occasionally. Today I ate about 3/4 of a little bag of fritos and really, really wanted to throw up afterwards. I didn't, but I felt pretty crappy for about 30 minutes. What's really interesting is that "pigging out" for me is so dramatically different than it used to be. At Christmas dinner, I couldn't finish a plateful, but felt I'd gone crazy on food. Last Christmas I would have eaten three plates of food. Sugar doesn't have as bad an effect on me as it does for some other gastric bypass patients, but I'm still pretty careful about it. Too much sugar (a soda for example) makes me feel awful, upsets my stomach, and makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep. I can eat one cookie, but more than that is moving into the danger zone. I can eat pasta now (one of my favorite foods in the world), but I can't just eat a big plate of it. Too many carbohydrates, which has the same effect as the sugar. I can eat a little pasta along with a protein and feel fine. Pizza seems to be difficult for me, I guess because of the dough. I can't eat one whole piece of pizza. I can eat a little of the crust and all of the toppings off of one slice, but that's it.
We went out on the boat again today, and I felt so great in my bikini! I'm no supermodel, but I feel like I look normal. I don't feel self conscious at all. I ditched my fat clothes long ago and bought a whole new wardrobe, but there was one thing I neglected: Underwear! All of my underwear are literally falling off of me now. It was easy to give away my fat clothes - my maid gladly took all of them - but what do I do with all of my pretty panties? I sure hate to just throw them out, but I would feel pretty weird about offering them to the maid, even though I am pretty sure she'd be glad for them... pretty, expensive, fancy panties are not something that poor women in third world countries get a chance to have.
I think what I will do is put them all into a bag and ask her to toss them for me. That way if she wants to take them she can do so discreetly, and if she doesn't, it won't be like I offered her something and she rejected it.
Happy Boxing Day to all!
:: 30 November, 2005 ::
Pictures as promised!
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These were taken aboard our boat, Nautigal on Sunday. We went out to a little island and had a grand time. I was the hit of the party in my little bikini with my jingling wrap! As you can see, the boobs are big, but not obscene. Yes, that's a tattoo on my side... two suns for my two sons.
:: 21 November, 2005 ::
(Monday) Boy oh boy was that surgery painful!!!! I was really in misery for the first 3 or 4 days, and in a fair amount of pain for the first week and a half. I'm now just about 3 weeks post-op and feeling much, much better. I'm just thrilled with the results! My boobs never looked this good - not even when I was 18! I got 700cc silicone implants, placed under the muscle. I also had a breast lift, which included an areola reduction. I know that 700cc sounds huge (comparatively speaking), and it is, but I am a large person (though no longer a fat person) at 5'9" tall. They really don't look at all obscene, and I don't think I would have been happy with anything smaller. The measurement around the fullest part of my breasts now matches my hip measurement, which to me is just perfect! I can't believe how good my clothes look.
Something quite alarming has happened recently. I am suddenly able to eat a lot more than I could before. If I don't pay close attention while I'm eating, I'll suddenly realize that I've downed nearly a plate of food! I don't like this at all. I've also noticed that hunger is back. Earlier on, I almost never felt hungry. I would eat because I knew I needed to. Now I really get hungry. This is pretty scary to me, as I can see now why people have what they call "bounce-back" weight gain. I will have to be really vigilant. I am steady in the 160-163 weight range, and really want to stay here.
:: 06 November, 2005 ::
(Sunday) I had my lift and augmentation surgery on November 1 with Dr. Harry Bafitis in Wellington Florida. I'm in a lot of pain, but I'm thrilled so far with the results. I'll post G-rated pictures once the swelling goes down.
:: 26 October, 2005 ::
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(Wednesday) I'm at 162 pounds, and my BMI is 23.9. I've chosen a surgeon for my boob job, and I'm scheduled to have surgery next week, on November 1 in Florida. Hurricane Wilma has caused major damage to South Florida though, so I'm not sure right now what's going to happen. There's no electricity there and the phone lines seem to be down too. I'm kind of worried! I've bought my plane tickets already and they're non-refundable. Crap! I can't get through on the phone to my mother or my friends or the doctor's office.
I threw up yesterday, for the first time in a long time. I must have swallowed a piece of chicken without chewing it well enough. It just goes to show that I'm not "normal" and I'll never be normal. I must always be careful about the way I eat.
The picture I've included in this update is from a couple of weeks ago. We had a black-tie charity event to go to. I think this picture actually makes me look a little heavier than I really am. I'd kept this dress from my fat days, and had it altered. I got a lot of compliments on it!
:: 22 September, 2005 ::
(Thursday) I now weigh 167 pounds. My BMI is 24.7. I am officially normal. I'm at the high end of normal, but I'm normal. Not overweight, not obese, just normal. It's a good feeling.
I'm consulting with plastic surgeons. I've decided it's time to get the boobs done. I want them big and beautiful! I'll get a lift and silicone implants, and hopefully restore their former glory without much scarring. I'm hoping to have the donut mastopexy, and have them put the inserts in through that incision. It would only leave a scar around my areola.
I've completely fallen off of the protein and vitamin wagon, and I've been trying to fool myself into believing that I can eat like other people - just less. It's not true. I feel the effects of it, and I need to shape up quick. I don't like feeling nauseous and miserable.
:: 31 August, 2005 ::
Wow - I'm two pounds from being "within normal range" for my BMI. Crazy!
I've been having blood sugar difficulties this week. I think it's because I've been relying too much on carbohydrates and have developed an addiction to Cheezie Sticks (something like the American Cheetos). I limit myself to one per day - 175 calories, so I'm not too worried about it. I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon tomorrow, to see about breast augmentation and either liposuction or a tummy tuck. I'm worthless when it comes to exercise. Sigh. Sure wish I could somehow get myself to do it. I'm committed to doing 50 reps on my cardioglide machine each day, but I know that won't exactly turn me into a hard body.
:: 5 August, 2005 ::
(Friday) It's been six months since my surgery. As of this morning I weigh 173.5 pounds. I feel good about myself, and I have no regrets about the surgery.
My skin is starting to sag around my upper thighs. It's not very noticeable yet, but it horrifies me. I need to do some darn exercise! I am a nudist, and it didn't bother me to go around a resort naked when I was fat, but strangely I'm more self-conscious now. I definitely want to have some plastic surgery done. My boobs look so pathetic now - I'll definitely be having an augmentation. I miss my bodacious titties! I think I will end up with a tummy tuck too, but I really don't want the scar.
I'm so happy I had this surgery!!!!
:: 30 July, 2005 ::
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(Saturday) I don't often throw up anymore. I sometimes eat too much and then feel truly awful for a while. For example, last night we went to Burger King (a rare event) and I ordered a Whopper Junior. In the past, I've only been able to eat 1/4 to 1/2 of it without the bun. Last night I was chatting and not paying attention, and suddenly realized I'd eaten nearly the whole thing (still no bun). I felt so awful that I seriously considered making myself throw it back up. I didn't, and eventually the feeling passed, but it was a reminder that I must be mindful of what and how much I eat.
I am down to 177, and still dropping. Even though I'm only about 6 months out, I think I've lost just about all I want to lose. I used to think of myself as fat at 140, but I look so good now at 177 that I'm horrified to think of what I would look like at 140! Plus, my partner (who prefers fat girls) really, really doesn't want me to go any lower. I know I can't really stop the loss right now unless I start ignoring every pouch rule, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to develop bad habits that could cause me to gain the weight back later.
I have discovered that it takes a fair amount of sugar to make me dump, so I am able to taste desserts and so forth. I'm glad about that. I was never a sugar addict, so I don't worry about that. It's nice to have a bite or two of dessert when I'm out, and a bite or two satisfies me. Too many "white" carbs seem to make me feel pretty crappy though. Bread is still a no-no for me. It seems to clog up my pouch or something. It's one of those vomit-producing foods that I just avoid. It's really crazy to think that me - a whole-box-of-pasta, whole-loaf-of-bread kind of girl - now looks on her formerly favorite foods as poison.
I'm taking tons of vitamins (I'll post my regimen soon) and I drink protein shakes (90-120 grams) every day. I feel good and I look fabulous, if I do say so myself! The problems I had with my knees and ankles have completely disappeared. I am only 8 pounds away from a "normal" BMI!
I am losing a lot of hair, but I knew it would happen and expected it, so I bought a high quality 3/4 hair piece (covers the crown) last time I was in the United States. It blends in beautifully, and gives me confidence, even though people say they haven't noticed any hair loss.
Every single day I am grateful to have had this surgery. I am grateful to Dr. Aceves for doing the surgery on a "lightweight" like myself, and grateful to Nina, the patient coordinator, for being patient and wonderful throughout my journey. I am grateful to the other doctors and staff at the hospital (especially to the anesthesiologist, who did a fabulous job), and of course to my partner for being supportive in spite of his fears.
:: 31 May, 2005 ::
(Tuesday) I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated! I've been throwing up a lot. Nearly every day. I'm not sure why... maybe I'm just not chewing well enough? About 10 days ago I got a kidney stone and was really sick from it. I was so intensely miserable! This past weekend we went up to Ocho Rios and stayed at an all-inclusive resort. I'd been corresponding with Sandy, a fellow WLS'er, who'd told me she and her husband were going to spend a week in Jamaica. It was so cool to meet them! She's 3 years post op and just as tiny as can be!
It was maddening to be around the buffets of food all the time! I kept putting things on my plate and then realizing after two bites that I just couldn't eat it! I think I ate more than I normally would, because I was definitely eating for greed rather than hunger, but I still couldn't really eat much in terms of quantity.
The last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I weighed 192. I feel like I look really good, and if my weight loss stopped now I would feel ok about it. Not happy, mind you, but ok. I just wish I would stop puking!
:: 18 April, 2005 ::
(Monday) I went to Montego Bay this weekend for a wedding. The weather sucked - it rained the whole time! I felt so bad for the Americans who flew over here for the wedding and a week's vacation in beautiful, sunny Jamaica.
I ate whatever I wanted to all weekend. I broke every rule. I drank with meals, I ate dessert, I ate potatoes, I didn't drink any protein shakes, drank alcohol.... It was a real "what not to do" weekend.
I only threw up once, though, and I still came home a pound and a half lighter than when I left. The difference between now and before surgery is that my "pigging out" consisted of one or two bites of each thing instead of two or three servings of each thing. It was so liberating!!!
:: 13 April, 2005 ::
(Wednesday) I'm trying hard not to weigh every day, but my partner is so intrigued with my weight loss that he urges me to weigh every morning so he can see the change. It's not because he wants me thin.... he prefers plump girls and is really afraid of me getting too thin. He's just fascinated by the way I'm changing so rapidly.
I made a chicken salad today out of rotisserie chicken breast, some onion, and some mayonnaise. I tried to eat a little this morning, but then in a little while I felt queasy. This evening I tried to eat more of it, but this time I felt very nauseous. I even hung over the toilet hoping to find some vomit-type relief, but it didn't work. I can't imagine what in that mixture would make me sick. I eat chicken without a problem, so it has to be either the raw onion or the mayo.
:: 12 April, 2005
(Tuesday) Oh my god! I weighed myself this morning and was shocked to see that I'd lost more weight! I'm now at 206.5 for a total loss of 36.5 pounds. I'm really moving along. Losing steadily. I've decided that I need to become fanatical about getting in my protein and vitamins. I'm good about the vites, but I need more. I'm not taking any calcium or iron, which is a no-no.
The pizza listed in my journal isn't really correct. I tried to find something that would maybe equate to what I ate calorie-wise, but the carb count is definitely wrong. What I really ate was the toppings off of two slices of Pizza Hut medium super-supreme pizza. I don't know how to list that.
:: 11 April, 2005
(Monday) I've been having trouble eating for the past few days. The one food that always seems to go down well is fish, yet this morning I tried to eat some for breakfast and vomited after a couple of bites. I'm noticing that I'm having pain every time I eat. I think I may be swallowing too soon - not chewing well enough. I often feel rushed because we're on our way somewhere and I have to hurry. No more! Throwing up is so gross and I don't want to do it any more.I've been having trouble eating for the past few days. The one food that always seems to go down well is fish, yet this morning I tried to eat some for breakfast and vomited after a couple of bites. I'm noticing that I'm having pain every time I eat. I think I may be swallowing too soon - not chewing well enough. I often feel rushed because we're on our way somewhere and I have to hurry. No more! Throwing up is so gross and I don't want to do it any more.
:: 9 April, 2005 ::
(Saturday) Went to a party tonight. I was only able to eat a handful of cashews and a few bites of fish. Still, I danced and had a good time. I notice that if I eat 800 or more calories in a day, I tend to show a loss the next day. I think some of my weight stall (my perceived weight stall) is that I'm simply not eating enough. Need to work on that.
P.S. vomiting isn't fun.
:: 15 February, 2005 ::
(Tuesday) I'm on my way home!
Last night I decided to try a little experiment. The blood pressure pills they were giving me in the hospital dissolved fairly easily under my tongue, but it tastes horrible. Dr. Aceves said I could start swallowing them, and they did go down very well. Last night I had the bright idea to cut one of my regular pills in half, and try swallowing it. What a mistake! I could feel it sitting at the opening of my pouch, neither going down nor coming up. My whole chest felt very tight, and that pill wasn't going anywhere. I didn't have the urge to throw up, but that thing just sat and sat. I got up and walked around a bit, then tried a tiny sip of water. It must have dissolved enough to go down, because I got some relief about 20 minutes later. The moral of the story? Don't go experimenting on your own!
The flight was, as I expected, long and uncomfortable. I'm so glad I asked for wheelchair assistance the whole way. I couldn't have done it myself. The hardest part was having to sit upright for so many hours. It was just really uncomfortable, even though I took lots of my pain meds. When I finally got to my condo at about midnight, I was more than ready to drop. I slept pretty well but had a very disturbing dream. In my dream I was very busy doing something and decided I should stop and make something to eat. I made a taco salad, with ground beef, cheese, lettuce, sour cream, and tortilla chips. I mashed it all up and then took a big serving spoon and dug in. It tasted so good that I shoveled in three big bites before I realized with horror that I'd had surgery and wasn't supposed to be eating anything, much less sharp-pointed tortilla chips, etc. I woke up feeling really scared.
:: 14 February, 2005 ::
(Monday) Sleep was hard to come by last night. I was just way too awake! I think I'm excited about going home. I just have to make it through this last boring day. Mrs. Aceves will take me to the pharmacy tomorrow morning and then to the airport. I arrive in Ft. Lauderdale at 11:08pm.
I ordered a car service to pick me up tomorrow night and I called both Delta and Air Ja to request wheelchair assistance on every segment of my flight. I asked about upgrading to 1st class on Delta (I'm already 1st class on Air Ja) and found out it would cost another $500-something for just the San Diego to Salt Lake leg. Ouch! There's no 1st class on the Salt Lake to Ft. Lauderdale leg. Sigh. I guess I'll just deal with it. I could buy a couple of new outfits with that money.
I'm watching the Oprah show, and they're talking about weight loss and a 12 week boot camp. There's going to be a guy on who's lost 500 pounds "WITHOUT SURGERY," she emphasized.
It brings back that reality that many people see bariatric surgery as an easy way out for obese people. She's talking about "making a decision" to lose weight. How many times did we "make the decision"? How many times?
I understand that physically, weight loss is generally about consuming fewer calories than you expend. We all get that. The question is, why is it so damn difficult for most of us? When I look really honestly at my history with food I see that I was really fighting a battle from my teens. As a teen I was very, very thin (108-120 lbs). I looked like a skeleton but still truly saw myself as fat. One night my two best friends spent the night, and they were trying to convince me that I wasn't fat. I saw them as being perfect, and thought they just wanted to make me feel better. We took each others' measurements: arms, bust, waist, hips, and thighs. To my shock, my measurements -- every one of them -- were smaller than theirs, even though they were each 3-4 inches shorter than I. I kept looking in the mirror. I had the facts, my measurements and weight were less than theirs - but I couldn't see it.
Now I know about something called body dysmorphic disorder, which I suffered with until I actually became fat and saw myself more realistically.
OK, now I'm worried. I'm hungry. I've been hungry all day. I mean, I feel actual stomach-growling hunger. The broth didn't do it for me this time. Everytime I see a food commercial, I literally start to cry. I want to chew so badly! I want to feel food in my mouth and stomach. I'm really grieving now. I don't know how I'll make it through two more weeks of liquids. I know many doctors have their patients start solids after a week or so, but I'm sure Dr. Aceves has reasons for hi method. I suppose my new stomach needs time to heal. This is one of those times I wish I had a support group to go to. If I had access to a computer, I could at least go into the OH chat room.
Only one more day. It's 7:45pm, so if I can manage for a couple more hours, I can go to sleep. Once morning comes I'll be busy getting ready to go to the airport. Maybe I'll get doped up for the plane ride. That will at least make the time pass.
8:47pm I want melted cheese on toast.
9:18pm I want a subway toasted chicken bacon ranch sub.
:: 13 February, 2005 ::
All my life I've wanted to be petite. When I was a teenager, I tried to starve myself into petiteness, but it didn't work. I'm tall, have strong features, solid bones, and wide hips. I think I have a more realistic view now of how I want my body to look. I'm not petite, but I am very female in body type. My tiny waist will be accentuated by my hips, which I now see as sexy. I'm glad that my ass will always be able to fill out a pair of jeans.
I've always had nice legs, but when I used to dance a lot, my calves in particular were outstanding. I will be so happy when I can dance again like I used to. This weight has weakened my ankles and knees, and I've lost any cardiovascular capacity I had. I want it back. I want to be able to dance all night again - in heels!
I am supposed to go to the mall this morning, and in fact, they already called a taxi for me, but it turns out Dr. Aceves is making rounds, so I need to wait for him. Does that man ever take a day off?
The nurses keep telling me not to eat anything at the mall. Are they crazy? Trust me - the last thing I want to do is possibly injure myself while I'm alone at a mall in a foreign country!
I wrote a little note in Spanish and put it with my ID. It has my name, says I'm a patient at hospital Almater, that Aceves is my doctor, and that I had surgery on Feb 5. It also has the phone number of the hospital.
I don't think anything will happen - but you never know. Better to be prepared, eh?
I'm wearing a shirt that looks nice and hides my tubes pretty well. It occurs to me though that Dr. Aceves had said I could probably have the drainage one removed today. He may even remove my stitches. That would be nice. One more step on my path to wholeness.
There's a patient along my hallway who's entire extended family seems to have moved in. They hang out in the hall a lot, and though they aren't loud or obnoxious, they're always walking up and down. I wanted to kill whomever was outside my little window this morning. I wanted so badly to sleep more!
Yay! I got one of my tubes out! It didn't hurt. Actually, having the stitches clipped off is what hurt. The tube was fine. I couldn't believe how long it was! Dr. Aceves says I can have my other stitches out tomorrow.
I just heard one of the funniest lines ever in a rap song: "My dick don't dance, he just fill up my pants." I like that one as much as "I love ya like a fat kid love cake."
I'm back from the mall. Dr. Aceves dropped me off and I walked around a lot. I had my hair washed and blown out, and that girl really worked for her 120 pesos! She curled up the ends of my hair and it looked really nice. I went to CD stored, shoe stores etc, but I found the prices to be more for many things, so I didn't buy anything.
I took water with me, and sat down when I needed to, but it still wore me out. I decided it was time to go when I started sweating and felt a little dizzy. I took a taxi back to the hospital, only 30 pesos. I gave the guy too much of a tip, but I wanted to clean out my change purse.
I drank a little broth and now I'd like to take a nap, but I know I shouldn't because it's already 6pm. Maybe just a leeetle nap...
I knew it was a mistake, but I did it anyway - I slept for 3 hours. I awoke to some lovely cold broth.
I'm watching classic videos on VH-1 and feeling calm and right with the world. Although I am sore, I'm no longer in any pain. The only bandages I have are over the J-vac (drainage) hole and around the base of the G-tube.
I've heard that the anesthesia can cause a brief depression. I knew that going in, so I impressed upon Dr. Aceves the importance of resuming my SSRI medicine as soon as possible after surgery. I ended up only missing a couple of days, but I think that some (a lot?) of my anxiety and sadness last week may have been due to the after-effects of anesthesia. I feel very clear-headed now and not so weepy. Of course, I'm still homesick, but it's not dragging me down like it was before. I hope I'm not headed into a mania!
:: 12 February, 2005 ::
(Saturday) I felt good this morning. I ended up sleeping well, and was happy thinking I'd move to the hotel today, but as I suspected, Dr. Aceves asked me to stay again. I guess in reality he wants me to just stay here until I leave. My biggest worry was that I'd end up with a huge additional bill, so I talked to him about it, and I think we have something worked out.
Today I put on my eyelashes for the first time since surgery, and put on my jeans instead of one of my mu-mu dresses. That felt good. I made a shirt out of my wrap that cleverly hid my tubes while giving me a sexy drape neck and open back. I was quite pleased with myself and paraded around the hospital. Boy did I get some looks!
I spent a lot of time sitting up in my chair today and also walking around. I found out there's a mall nearby, so I'm going to take a taxi there in the morning. I know how much it should cost, and am prepared to fight for a good fare! It will feel so good to go shopping. I want to buy something for Dr. Aceves, Nina, and the nurses. I was thinking though that maybe I should send them a package of Jamaican stuff when I get back.
Maybe I could find something cool for the kids or even Donnie.
My pain from the tube has decreased dramatically, so I've finally had a comfortable evening. Only two more days until I fly back to Florida, and then on Wednesday I'll be back in Jamaica.
:: 11 February, 2005 ::
I had a pretty good day. I woke up feeling much better. I bathed, brushed my teeth, put on makeup, etc.
Carmen came by and said that Ryan was doing fine. She and Nina and I went to the cafeteria so Carmen could get something to eat. Nina saw some family members, so I sat with Carmen and helped her order in Spanish. She said she felt bad eating in front of me, but it wasn't a big deal. I enjoyed looking at the food and smelling it, but I didn't feel a strong urge to eat it. That's probably a first in my life, except maybe while I was on gak or had the flu!.
Around 11am I felt tired, so I tried to take a nap, but I didn't really sleep. After lunch I sat and talked to Carmen an Ryan for a while. They had decided to go to San Diego that day, spend the night, and take an early flight back to Washington. I couldn't believe it. He'd just had surgery the night before! I was also sad because I though I was going to have company for a couple of days. Maybe I scared them away.
Dr. Aceves insisted they stay until Ryan was at least 24 hours out of surgery. Nina was going to drive them to San Diego, then go to her home, which is not in Mexicali. She said Mrs. Aceves would be the one to take me to the airport on Tuesday. I was sad to see her go, as I really enjoyed spending time with her.
That evening I had a really embarrassing experience (which I won't detail here) and that on top of my g-tube pain and my loneliness really got to me. I talked to Donnie on the phone, and the poor thing had to listen to me sob and sob. I was so miserable and homesick.
They took my IV needle out today, so I'm completely needle free.
It's been exactly one week since my surgery.
:: 10 February, 2005 ::
Ryan and his wife Carmen arrive today. He's having the gastric band. I thought they would do testing today and surgery tomorrow, but he went into surgery this afternoon! Carmen was understandable nervous, so Nina and I convinced her to go out with us. They dropped me off at a salon so I could get my hair washed (I don't wash my own hair normally, so I certainly wasn't going to do it in the hospital!). They went to get something to eat. When they came back I made them tell me in detail what delicious foods they ate.
I've been so desperate for company that I think I made a total fool of myself in front of Carmen and Nina. I normally talk a lot, but today I was like a crazy woman. I yak and yak, and I always offer TMI (too much information). Did they need or want to know that I wear red thong panties with Betty Boop on the back? Sometimes I really dislike that aspect of myself. Its makes me a friendly, outgoing person with great social skills, but when I go overboard it just makes me obnoxious.
Nina took me across the border and to Wal-Mart. I got a cute loose blouse to wear on the plane with my jeans. Hopefully it will hide my tubes better than the tight shirt I brought.
I think I really overdid it though. While I was there, standing in line, I started feeling really hot and dizzy. I hadn't brought my water bottle, and I'd been on my feet longer than at any time since the surgery. When we got back and I climbed into bed I started to feel kind of bad. I was so sore, and that tube was really hurting again. I started crying and feeling like this was just too much.
Why was I in so much pain? The g-tube moved in and out of the hole in my belly every time I moved. Imagine having your ear pierced - but with a ring a couple of inches in diameter instead of a couple of millimeters. Then imagine jerking it back and forth and side to side constantly - never allowing the hole to start to heal. When you get your ears pierced, you expect it to hurt. You expect it to be sore for a while. But you don't usually expect sharp, unceasing, real pain. Well, I didn't expect it with this either. The Jvac tube doesn't hurt. I've looked at both of them closely and I don't see a difference. They're both red and slightly ooky. The nurse injected my IV needle (I still have the "port" for the IV) with a painkiller. Well that began to hurt terribly too. My vein was giving in (it was infiltrated). I'd already had it switched because the first vein stopped working for me, and now this one was too. I really felt like shit at that point. I wasn't regretting the surgery or anything, and I knew they'd do something to stop the pain, but at that moment I felt pretty pathetic. The nurse went and got the head nurse, who got another IV needle into another vein and put the pain med in right away. They took out the old needle. The great thing about intravenous drugs (and the terrible addictive thing too) is that the effect is almost immediate.
I can't repeat often enough how thrilled I am with the service here. The nurses, in particular, see to be nurses because they really care about people, and they're young enough not to be burned out and bitter. I'm probably going to get hate mail about that, but this is my observation.
:: 9 February, 2005 ::
I woke up feeling really crappy this morning. I think it's a combination of being in pain, being lonely, and having missed 3 days of my Celexa. I did take it last night, but I don't know how much was absorbed. I need to find out about the rate of absorption so I can adjust the amount if I need to.
They released me from the IV last night. What freedom! I still have the needle, but I'm no longer attached to the IV bag and pole, and boy is that nice. My shower this morning was my most thorough yet. It's so much easier to scrub when you're not attached to anything. Bending over to reach my legs and feet still hurts, even though I prop my leg up on the shower chair.
Everybody says to be sure to take tongs or a wooden spoon to help wipe yourself, but I didn't find I needed that at all. I didn't have any BM's the first 2 or 3 days (what would I shit out?) and I pee with my http://www.travelmateinfo.com/page002.html" target=_blank>fabulous, miraculous pee stick, which relieves you from wiping. Maybe it would have been a problem if I were much bigger to start with.
I got to have broth for lunch today and it tasted like heaven! I don't really like juice that much, and the water doesn't taste so great here (note to self: ask for some lemon to put in the water). The broth was divine though... salty and flavorful. I drank way too much of it I think, because I started to sweat and feel a little dizzy. I also started burping at an alarming rate.
Training myself to consume so little at a time is going to be interesting. I'm a water drinker, and accustomed to gulping down loads of it at a time. This sip, sip, sip thing is really hard!
The days without my Celexa caught up to me today. I've had http://greasyskillet.org/archives/2003_05_14.shtml" target=_blank>the zaps and I HATE the zaps.
I called http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=L1090712657" target=_blank>Karen today and talked to her for nearly two hours. It was so great!
1. I get to talk to someone I think I'd really like to have as a friend.
2. I got to talk to someone who had the same surgery with the same surgeon.
3. I got to speak English for an hour and forty five minutes!
Speaking Spanish all the time is a real brain-drain. Since they know I'm fluent, they don't schedule the English-speaking nurses for me. The upside is that my Spanish is way better than I thought it was, and this immersion training is definitely improving it.
The downside is that sometimes I don't have the words I need and it's frustrating to try to explain myself.
My gastrostomy tube (g-tube) is just killing me. The Jvac (drainage) tube is fine. I forget it's even there, but this one? Dios Mio!!! Every time I move, the tube slides in and out, further irritating my already inflamed, irritated tissue. I asked the nurse to tape the damn thing down so it can't move, but that pretty much impossible. I also asked for pain meds.
I have a crank bed instead of an automatic once, which is a pain in the ass. Every day I ask for an auto bed but I haven't gotten one. I don't want to ask the nurse every time I want my back up or down, but to change it myself I have to heave-ho out of the bed and bend over in a pretty uncomfortable position.
I think I'm about ready to go to a hotel, but I don't know how all my medication, bandage-changing and so forth will happen. I'll sleep on it.
Tomorrow Ryan and his wife are coming so I'll get to meet them and see Nina. Yay!
:: 8 February, 2005 ::
Last night I felt so irritable. Everything bothered me and I couldn't get comfortable. The time just crawled along. I asked for something to help me sleep, but the nurse said that I could only have alprazolam. They had given me about 1.5mg earlier and said I couldn't have more until the morning. I was so damn aggravated! I should have asked for pain medication, but I didn't think of it. After the nurse left I decided I was not going to stare at the ceiling all night. The bottle of alprazolam was on my night table so I dosed myself. Thank god I did! I finally fell asleep. This morning I felt sore, so I asked for pain meds. That put me back to sleep for a couple of hours more, but I had bizarre dreams. I've taken a shower, changed my clothes and put on makeup. Doing that makes me feel so much better.
By the way, I had my nails done just before I came to Mexico, but I had a french manicure instead of the usual red. It wasn't a problem for surgery. They say you can't have painted nails when you go in, but I think as long as it's very light or clear it's ok. I also wear contacts, and didn't even thin to mention it or remove them. Oops!
:: 7 February, 2005 (Monday) ::
On Saturday I remember going into the operating room and seeing my doctors. I had on my makeup (gotta look good even there!), and asked Dr. Sehui (anesthesiologist) if I was beautiful enough to start surgery. He assured me I was. After that, the next thing I remember was being in my hospital room with two nurses fiddling with my IV. I wasn't sure whether I'd had surgery or not! That night was somewhat difficult. I don't have an outside window, and there is no clock in the room, so I kept dozing off and then waking up confused. Was it day? Night? Had I been sleeping five minutes or five hours? I also felt nausea and pain.
All day Sunday I felt very in and out. I called my list of people, but didn't stay on the phone. The idea of brushing my hair or teeth or putting on makeup was just too much at that point.
I sort of took a shower, but I went through the motions for the nurse more than myself. Today, Monday, I feel much better. My blood pressure has been high though. I don't feel anxious or uptight, so I don't know what is up with that. I talked to Donnie at some length. It was good to hear his voice, and he was very positive. He says I sound ready to come home.
I am worried about something. The money I paid was for 5 days in the hospital and 2 days in a hotel. I was planning to pay for an additional 3 days in a hotel, and that's what I have money for. I'm worried that Dr. Aceves will release me sooner - so will he pay the extra days in the hotel? (update: Actually, Dr. Aceves is worried about me being all alone, so he asked if I would mind staying in the hospital *longer*. I guess I don't have to worry after all)
2:15pm update
They took me to the x-ray room for the infamous barium test. I stood in front of the x-ray machine and dr. Aceves gave me a cup of clear liquid. I thought the barium would be thick and colored, since the point of drinking it is to see it pass through my stomach on the x-ray machine. Maybe it's radioactive or something! hee hee! At any rate, it didn't taste nearly as foul as I'd expected. In fact it was no worse than the shitting stuff and I had to drink tons of that. (EDIT: I discovered later that I didn't actually have barium. I had hydrosoluble contrast)
It was really cool to watch the liquid going down my esophogus and into my little tiny pouch.
I am now allowed to have water and grape juice. El Doctor says the dark juice is an extra precaution. If there were a leak that didn't show up on the x-ray, it would come out through the drain I have.
The first sip of juice was a little scary. Would I drink too much? Would it taste bad? Wouldn't it hurt? Well, it tasted divine after 3 days with nothing. It hurt a tiny bit - like it was too cold.
I've been feeling pretty good - not too much pain. What I didn't know was that I'd been getting pain meds in my IV. Dr. Aceves says now I'll just get it if I ask for it. I thought I was just recovering at a remarkable pace!
4:40 p.m. update
I feel crappy. I don't know if I'm just bored or lonely or what, but I just feel blechy. My IV hole hurts, and it's a continuous irritation. ( EDIT: I found out later that my vein had "infiltrated" which is why it hurt so much. I had more trouble with that later.) My abdominal muscles are pretty sore, and I feel dirty. Feeling dirty - that's not something people really warn you about. How am I supposed to take a real shower with two drainage tubes coming out of me, and while I'm attached to my IV pole? I can't really bend over enough to reach everywhere and the shower is very small.
And my hair... oh god it's filthy, but there is just no way I can wash it with this IV in. I know I could ask a nurse to help me shower, but how would that work in such a small space without her getting soaked? I wouldn't bother with a sponge bath. I don't feel clean unless water runs over my body.
On the up side - I'm noticing more and more how really nice this hospital is. It's private and beautiful. It seems there is a nurse for every patient. If I press the call button, a nurse arrives literally in seconds.
My room is really beautiful - as is the whole hospital. Truly it's much nicer than any hospital I've been in in the United States.
5:25 p.m. update
I'm hungry. Well, maybe I'm not physically hungry, but the food commercials on TV are driving me crazy.
Mixed nuts - mmmmmmmm, toasted subs from Subway, Burger from Carl's Jr..... I have this tremendous fear of never enjoying food again. In my head I guess I know that's not true, but right now I want a giant burrito with a side of rice and cheese-smothered refried beans.
7:00 p.m. update
Grape juice hurts my pouch. I hope this isn't an omen of things to come.
:: 5 February, 2005 - Morning of surgery ::
It's 9:30am the day of my surgery. They gave me sleeping pills that didn't do the job. I tried to tell them that I take Ambien and therefore won't be affected by a light pill. They assured me I'd be knocked out so much that Dr. Aceves would have to call to wake me up. They were wrong. I woke up over and over during the night and decided to just get up around 6:30 or 7:00am. Dr. Aceves is coming to pick me up, and I'll have surgery around 1pm. I think I should be nervous, but I'm not. I'm nervous about not being nervous! Is something wrong with me? Do I not understand the gravity of the situation?
I'm hungry and tired of being hungry. I suppose I won't feel that after surgery. I don't know. Really I'm tired of waiting. I just want to be on the other side. The minutes drag along at a snail's pace, and I haven't anyone to talk to, to help pass the time.
Now I'm in my hospital room. This is the same room I'll be in for my whole stay. It's nice to have it that way. It's a private room that feels more like a hotel room than a hospital room. I dare say it's more comfortable than the Siesta - and maybe bigger too!. I have more TV channels, better climate control, and 24 hour room service (sort of).
I think this must be a rather frightening experience for someone who doesn't speak Spanish. Everyone here seems so relieved they don't have to speak English to me.
My weigh-in at the hospital this morning was 108K (238 pounds). I was really surprised. I've lost probably 10 pounds over the last few days just from not eating anything.
I had the nurse take some nude shots of me. It's shocking to see them, because I never imagine myself to be this big. The pictures really show it though. I'm glad I'm doing this. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm only doing it for my health, the truth is that I can't wait to look good again too. I can't wait to shop in regular clothing stores.
I'm feeling quite sleepy. I wonder if they put something in my IV. I guess I'll just relax, as I have a couple of hours until surgery.
:: 4 February, 2005 ::
It's the night before surgery and I'm here alone in my hotel room in Mexico. I've been drinking stuff to clean out my colon. I've only consumed half of what I'm supposed to, but I'm shitting nearly clear liquid. I feel so full - like I can't drink anymore. I haven't eaten hardly anything in a couple of days. Yesterday I had a turkey wrap in the morning and tortilla soup with avocado and cheese for dinner. Today I drank a V-8 splash. My body feels empty except for that liquid-full feeling in my stomach. I'm hungry though. Every food commercial drives me crazy. Fortunately, I'm not having cramps from the diarrhea-producing medicine.
I am starting to feel afraid. Nina is gone for the weekend, as are Donnie and Lynne. They are all unreachable, and frankly I feel abandoned.
I'm getting scared about never comforting myself with food again. Right now I want very badly to walk to the Carl's Jr. fast food restaurant next door and eat and eat. The only thing stopping me is knowing it could cause a problem with the surgery.
:: 31 January 2005 ::
Oh my god - only a few days left. My chest feels tight - stress. I took care of most of what I needed to take care of. I'm going to the grocery store today to get some Crystal light, broth in packets, and maybe a couple of other things. I have my suitcase packed. I guess I'm ready to go! I feel sort of guilty for not telling my mom about the surgery. I plan to tell her when I'm healed and can say, "see Mom? Surgery was a great decision!" It will be hard not to call her and tell her what's going on from Mexico. My partner misses me so badly. It will all be ok though. I don't really have much to write now. I feel pretty calm, and will update as soon as I can post-op.
:: 24 January 2005 ::
Less than two weeks to go now. I am nervous, excited, doubting, confident, weepy, and joyful.
I'm in Florida for this last two weeks before surgery because the house situation is really hairy right now (I'm having to evict a non-paying roommate), but the money is set. I have a list of things to pack, and now I'm just sort of waiting. I need to order some protein supplements to take with me, but I just don't know what to get. If three people tell me that brand X is fabulous, four more say it's gag-a-rific. I'm really not all that picky to start with, but I drink water almost exclusively. I'm not used to drinking sweet things like soda and juice, and I wonder how I'll handle the protein drinks. Maybe I'll just take my chances and go to GNC.
I'm thinking about plaiting my hair before I go, to keep it from becoming an unmanageable snarl while I'm in the hospital for five days... Plaited hair is not the best style for me, aesthetically speaking, but it is low maintainance!
I went through a week or two of gorging myself constantly, but I find now that I'm more at peace with food. I can look at it and say goodbye rather than devour it. My appetite has decreased dramatically - a strange feeling. Will I feel like this after surgery?
I have found the http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/lookup.phtml" target=_blank>library section of this site to be so helpful. Every question I can think of has been asked already, many times over! Lately I've been wondering about having a Medicalert bracelet. Should I have one? Should I not? What should be on it?
I have found every opinion on it, and have a good idea now of what I want. Curious too? Go to http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/lookup.phtml" target=_blank>library and type "medical alert" in the search box.
:: 11 January 2005 ::
I believe I have worked out the problem. I am borrowing US$10,000 from ex-husband (gasp!) and selling my place. I will pay him back when the house sells. He's not charging me interest, but he's asking for some other, difficult things. What choice do I have? One always has a choice, but I am serious about keeping my date. I've waited long enough!
I have a running list of questions and answers, which I will post here soon. I'm also working on a packing list.
One of the crappy things about having to do things this way is that I will not be doing this surgery with the comfort I intended to have. I normally fly first class. Not happening this time! I already have a return ticket from Jamaica to Ft. Lauderdale (first class). So I will fly from Ft. Lauderdale to San Diego, California in coach. GAG!!!! The first class ticket is about US$948 and I found a super-low-priced coach ticket for around $US250. Since I'm only getting US$10k from ex-husband, I'm having to come up with the rest on my own, and I have to economize as much as possible.
I did some research and found some hotels in Mexicali that go for US$35-50/night instead of the US$80/night at the hotel they send you to.
I will be on clear liquids the whole time I'm in Mexico, so I figure I can take my own mixes for broth, crystal light, etc.
All in all, I believe I have the total cost at just below US$13,000.
:: 7 January 2005 ::
Yesterday I had the highest high and the lowest low. In the morning I received an email from Nina at Dr. Aceves' office letting me know that I have a surgery date!!!! February 5, 2005. Barely a month away!
Later I got an email about my mortgage. See, I'm refinancing my house and using the money to pay for surgery. They told me everything was finished, and I was supposed to close today, Friday. Suddenly though, the underwriter decided to deny my loan. I don't understand what's going on, and I am SO upset! I can't pay for the surgery without this! Plus I owe money to my exhusband and he's bothering me for it. I was really devastated. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to gather my thoughts today and figure out an alternative. I just want to crawl into my bed and cry.
:: 7 December 2004 ::
I believe I have chosen a doctor. I think I will go with Dr. Aceves in Mexicali, Mexico. I can have laparascopic RNY with him and discovered that there really won't be much difference in price from the open RNY with Dr. Aguirre. Aguirre has apparently raised his prices again. The first time I looked into this, he was charging something like US$5,500, lately it was US$8,500, and today I was quoted US$9,400. That includes 2 days in the hospital and does *not* include any hotel time. Nor does it include transportation from the airport to the hospital, which I understand is US$350 (apparently it has gone up from $300!!) if you use his driver.
I intend to stay in Mexico for 10 days, so as I add it up, with Dr. Aguirre I have a giant scar and spend:
$ 9400 surgery and 2 nights in hospital
$ 375 apt for 3 days with nurse at $125/night
$ 395 apt for 5 additional days at $79/night)
$ 350 transportation
________
$10520 total
With Dr. Aceves, I will have lap RNY and spend:
$12500 surgery including 5 days in hospital and 2 in a hotel
$ 240 hotel for 3 days at $80/day
$ 0 transport (Nina says she picks me up as part of the fee)
_________
$12740 total
That's a difference of only US$2,220, which is well worth it to me to avoid that scar!
I spoke extensively with Nina today, and she sent me a couple of forms to fill out, which I did and sent back within an hour! I'm very excited. I can get a date for January (she said they need a lead time of about 3-4 weeks). I am still working on the refinancing of my condo in Florida, so I told her I don't want a firm date yet. I need to find out when I'll get the money from the condo first.
Suddenly I am full of questions...
:: November 28, 2004 ::
My BMI is currently 37.8 down from 39.4 as I've lost about 20 pounds. I'm self-pay and live in Jamaica. Looking for Laparascopic RNY surgery. I'm looking into having the surgery in Mexico or possibly Cuba. I haven't found a Jamaican doc who does RNY lap. I'm a self-pay, so cost is a big consideration for me. Having the surgery in Miami, Florida, USA would be good, as there are many experienced surgeons here, but the cost is prohibitive.
Here's the mushy personal stuff:
I live in Jamaica and also still have a home in Florida.
I've been looking into WLS for about two years now. I believe it is a viable solution for me to a problem that will only get worse as the years go by. Here are my stats:
35 years old
5'8" (173cm)
245 lbs (113k)
37.8 BMI
I am down to this weight from 260 lbs (118k) and 39.4 BMI.
My mother is morbidly obese, and her mother was as well. She died a long, horrible death due to complications from her obesity. My mother is only 61 but is going downhill fast. Many other members of my family are in the same situation.
I see my future.
I wasn't always fat. For most of my life I was able to keep myself around 160 or less. The weight came on pretty quickly and won't leave. I've tried lots of diets, but they don't seem to do much for me. The fact is, I eat way too much. I am very disicplined in many areas of my life, so I don't understand w
