jocklynwebb

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Ya know, through this whole ordeal of not being able to eat, it's becoming increasingly harder to be around food and the people who eat it. I've been a good sport about it, and for the most part don't have an issue, other than with chinese food, just because the smell is so potent and it upsets my stomach, I literally have to go to my room and close the door to mask the smell, but somehow it still makes it way through the air vents. Most other foods, I can stay downstairs, my family just has to close off the doors to the kitchen. Chinese is the only food I have an issue with and they know this, however, they continue to order it on a more than regular basis. Like I don't ask much, but I do wish they would stop ordering chinese just because it makes me sick, but they don't seem to get it or if they do, they don't care. I mean, I freakin' told them I've been feeling sick all day today and here they go getting chinese, I mean, that's just adding fuel to the fire. UGH, I just needed to vent.

I've honestly been through hell and back the past 7 weeks. I had pneumonia and went to the ER and later found out I had a leak at 7 months out. I was admitted to the hospital and was there for 20 days. I went into the hospital wearing a size 8 and came out wearing a size 4. I'm still not allowed to eat or drink anything and haven't since May 22. I'm fed daily through an IV at home, but it takes 14 hours to cycle. I had another Upper GI yesterday and everything looks almost healed, just a little "wisp" still leaking through, so its awesome news and that means I'm almost healed. My surgeon was very impressed at how quickly it was healing. He said hes going to consult with the surgeon from Johns Hopkins to see what else needs to be done. But I'm so happy that its healing on it's own and wont require additional surgery. I go back in 2 weeks for another Upper GI and I hope it'll be my last. It's amazing how sick I've been since March and was misdiagnosed several times by several different doctors. I feel very blessed because that I've healed as well as I have, apparently people die from leaks. So my bit of advice if you are sick and feel like something is wrong, persue it. I didn't and got to the point where my body was full of infection and had almost 3 weeks in the hospital. I'm just blessed that there was a hospital that look at my lung ct scan and noticed a pattern in pockets in my lungs that led to my stomach and he was the first to suggest that it might be a leak. I think I've had one for a while, my surgeon thinks my colon (which apparently is abnormally large) rubbed up against my staple line before it was completely healed and caused the leak.

So I'm really bad at this blogging thing. But I just hit 6 months out last week and boy has a lot changed. It's like I hit 6 months and immediately hit a wall, emotionally. I'll admit, since surgery I don't feel as outgoing as I used to. I've withdrawn from my friends a lot. But I can't help it. I've dealing with so many new emotions, a lot of times I just need to be alone. I hope I snap out of this soon, because I'm just not feeling like myself. The smaller I'm getting and the closer I'm getting to goal, the more picky I'm becoming about my body. I look in the mirror and don't see myself 108 pounds lighter, I'm still seeing myself heavier. So when I see photos of myself it's like looking at a stranger. I'm also having trouble figuring out who I am now. I've always been the fun, chubby girl, life of the party. I'm not that anymore, I mean I guess I'm still funny, but I'm def. not the life of the party! I honestly could have taken a year off after surgery, gone home to live with my parents and recover. I'm learning that the recovery is not just physical, it's more mental, emotional. I mean why can't I be happy?? I'm the smallest I've ever been in my adult life. I can walk into any store and buy whatever I want off the shelf. I've never been able to do that before. I'm a size 8 for crying out loud. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be that small. Right now I'm really just craving family time. I need my family, thats when I feel "alive". I really just need this school year to end, so I can have a stress free, responsiblity free summer, so I can focus on my recovery. It's been tough since surgery, I've been sick, I'm injured, I had a death in the family recently and all that is taking a toll on me in more ways than one. I just emotionally can't pour into people like I used to. I need to focus on myself and if people can't respect that, then that's too bad. I hope to take this summer, get back to myself and come back in the fall better than ever!! So here is a little update:

I've lost 108 pounds
I wear a size 8, which is down from a size 18

So I've been putting it off and putting it off, but tonight I finally did it! I cleaned out my closets... yes plural, I have two. That's how many articles of clothing I have or had. I was/am completely terrified of throwing out my "big clothes". Why you may ask? Well I've lost weight in the past and have always gained it back. I'm having a hard to time convincing myself that this will be any different. But it will, I know it will be! I must admit that I actually shed a tear when I was cleaning out my closet, there were actually a few articles of clothing that I know are way to big but I couldn't part with. Ridiculous I know. But I feel better knowing they are still hanging in my closet. I don't have a whole lot of clothes left but I can actually find them in my closet now. Before, the ding dang thing was so packed, I was afraid the rack was going to come away from the wall and crash to the ground. So are you wondering how many bags I filled with clothes??? Well if you aren't, I'm going to tell you anyway.... 11! 11 trash bags of clothes. WOW! I was sick at the amount that still had tags. I'd never ever worn them. What a waste! Now the hardest part is going to be dragging these 11 bags to the Salvation Army to donate. I went to the Salvation Army today and got some pants for 5 bucks. It was awesome! Even better, they were name brand... Ann Taylor, Express, Old Navy! The Salvation Army, is A. Cheaper than Goodwill B. Doesn't smell as bad as Goodwill and C. The Salvation Army is a Christian company. I know that by donating my clothes there, the profits they make will go to a company that Glorifies God! AMEN! I've been trying not to buy pants at every size because I'm on a budget, but when you've lost so much that they won't even stay up and you have a saggy butt, you kind of have to. With Salvation Army prices, I can afford to buy at every 2 sizes or so, that's what I've been doing. Buying every 2 sizes. At 1 size down, you can still pull it off, but at 2 sizes too big, you start to look sloppy and I hate that! Check out the photo of the pile of clothing bags! Crazy huh?

So I'm 3 months out today and boy has my life changed dramatically. First of all I've lost 75 pounds total, 53 since surgery. I've never lost this much weight ever, in my life. To see my body change has been incredible. I feel so much better about myself, I'm more confident. I like the way I look in clothes, it's crazy. I know it's going to just keep getting better, but my dreams are coming true in big ways. I'm now wearing a size 10 pants. That in itself is crazy. Ive never worn a size 10 in my life. My health has improved dramatically, my diabetes is gone, my sleep apnea is gone and my high blood pressure is gone. Amazing! Physically, I'm getting into shape and for the first time I actually love working out. I'm training for a 5k. I'm running... I'm freaking running... this is crazy. 3-4 days a week I'm running and doing strength training. I've never felt this good in my life.

I'm 11 weeks out today and going into this, I never would have realized how much my life has changed in just under 3 months. I've gone down several clothing sizes, I've lost 70 pounds total since starting this journey and 48 since surgery. Those numbers blow my mind. I've never achieved weight loss totals like this in my entire life. However, I must admit, I miss the comfort of food. There are some days, especially after a hard day at work, where I just want to go home and EAT! But I can't... I mean I can eat, but not in the way I want to. I'm working on finding something else I find comfort in. For a while that was reading the Twilight Saga, but now I'm finished with that. Maybe I need to take up knitting or something.

I've been looking at photos from this summer and even recently, just leading up to surgery and I can't believe that I was the person in those photos. They are sometimes hard to look at. But I force myself to look at them, and remind myself of how far I've come in a relatively short amount of time. I was talking to some friends last week, and we were talking about body dysmorphia. I've decided that I think I had some sort of reverse body dysmorphia. Most women see themselves as bigger than they are, I saw myself and being smaller than I was. I truly did. I am appalled when I look at old photos and I'm like... Who is this person. Then I realize it's me.

Well I'm back on track now! I'd gotten a little off during the holidays. Nothing terribly bad but enough for the scale not to move. Today I'm doing all liquids in hopes to jump start my loss again. However, yesterday I went to a New Years gathering and had just about everything I wasn't supposed to. My carb count was out of control. However, when I got home I journaled everything I ate wrote down the nutritional content for it all, I held myself responsible. It wasn't that I are a whole lot, it was just higher calorie foods than I have been eating. Well this morning I stepped on the scale and I had lost a whole pound in one day. I don't understand why when I up my calorie and carb count tremendously I start the scale a moving again. Perhaps my metabolism had slowed because of the lack of calories I was taking in because of the lack of food I eat and perhaps this jump in intake shocked my system enough to wake it up and start doing what it's supposed to be doing. I'm going to test this theory. Next time I find myself stalled I'm going to eat higher calorie and carb foods and see what happens. If I start losing again, I will know thats what I need to do to wake up my metabolism. We shall see. Now on to the Wowza part! I know wear a size 12. I can't freakin' believe it! I haven't worn a 12 in my adult life... it's crazy and the crazier part is, I was able to go into Ann Taylor and wear a shirt. Crazy. I've never not worn plus sized shirts in my adult life, this is amazing!!! Like I said in the title...WOWZA!!! Watch out world!

So I started this WLS journey in the beginning of 2008, well actually it was a thought back in late 2007 but I didn't actually start the process until January of this year. I started the year by going to my surgeons free seminar in which is he talked about the different surgery options he offered and we were given the different requirements for whatever insurance you have. I found out I had to do a 6 month doctor supervised diet. You could do Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig whatever, but I decided to go through the hospital program where you saw the bariatric nutritionists and start putting into practice, eating habits for after surgery. I also had to see my primary care physician once a month and have them fill out a form, etc. At first I was pretty upset that I had to do 6 months of a diet before having surgery, I mean I was impatient and wanted to do it right that second, especially because there were so many insurance companies that didn't require it and just approved patients. However, through this process I was able to learn better eating habits. I would say that I wasn't ready back in January but by the time I finished my program, I felt ready. It was a long process but I'm very grateful for that time to prepare and it went faster than I ever imagined. However, now that I've had surgery it's been something that I couldn't have prepared for because things are a lot different than I thought. I still don't handle meat very well, just doesn't go down well. Life is great, 2008 was a good year but I know 2009 will be even better. I have a feeling all my dreams are going to come true in 2009!

The idea for this blog has been in the works for a while now, as my life has been changing and I've been noticing that the world around me is changing as well. Now bear with me, I'm not the best with words but I hope what I'm trying to say comes across clearly. Through this journey of Weight Loss Surgery, I've been noticing a lot of changes. As someone who has lived her entire life severely overweight, I thought a majority of people in this world were just jerks, however, I'm starting to see things differently. People smile at me on a regular basis, guys go out of their way to hold the door open for me, people are more willing to help me when I go into stores, other customers in stores help me when it looks like I'm in need without me even asking. For example, the other day, I was in the grocery store and I had grabbed a small case of water off the shelf and I was standing there debating whether to buy another, and this guy comes over asks me if I needed him to grab me another off the shelf. What in the world? This never happened 50 pounds ago. So now I'm seeing that the world really isn't as bad as I thought, however, just because people are being nicer to me now that I'm smaller, does that make them any less of a jerk? These are the same people that acted like I didn't exist when I was bigger. The reality is overweight people are discriminated against. What are we/can we do about this? When I'm out with my guy friends, girls give me dirty looks. Why did I never get dirty looks before? Did they assume that when I was bigger that there was no way I could be dating this guy, however, now, is that a possibility? Do they look at me as competition? This is a whole new world for me. It's crazy! I'm not really sure what to make of it all. I'm starting to feel like I'm living in an entirely different world. However, it is very interesting for me to have lived life on both sides and it's very eye opening. But the things is, I'm no where near goal and I still have a long way to go, so it's amazing what difference a few pounds makes in the way you are treated in today's society.

I have a major problem with people who think WLS is the "easy" way out! It's not! This is one of the hardest things I've done. I had someone the other day ask me the other day how much weight I had lost. I told her that I had lost a total of 50 pounds, 22 before surgery, 28 after surgery. She looks at me and says... Well aren't you more proud of the weight you lost before surgery. I was appalled at the fact that she said that to me. I know a lot of people have preconceived notions about WLS but don't say it to someone who has had it! I looked at her and said... No, life is much harder now. And its like she had no idea what I was trying to say and she repeated what she said before. So I repeated what I said, things are not easy now. Call me the incredible shrinking woman, whatever, but until you have walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me or my decision. People who have never struggled with their weight, like I have my entire life, have no idea what it's like. I think people who are actually witnessing me go through this process have really come to understand how tough this is. It's not a cop out and it's not the easy way out. I can't eat and drink at the same time. I can only eat about 2 T of food at a time, but I have to get in 80 g of protein, 8 vitamins and 60+ ounces of water in a day. Try that with a stomach that is the size of your pinky. Yes, i'm loving the way I look, and I'm starting to love the attention I'm getting but more importantly my health is improving everyday. My sleep apnea is no longer an issue, my insulin resistance is gone, yesterday I went to a 60 min. aerobics class and did the whole thing. My life is changing dramatically, I'm the healthiest I've ever been, physically, mentally and spiritually! I'm loving life right now and I know it's all due to my decision to have WLS and the fact that God has been so faithful! I went through the process to get approved for surgery for almost a year, there were a lot of hoops to jump through and there were many times that God had the opportunity to shut the door, but He didn't and that's how I know that I made the right decision FOR ME!