PAWLLA L.
What is wrong with me
May 03, 2009
Well here it is May 3rd and I'm ashamed to say I am still struggling. I am at 244, have gotten down to 239 then back up to 248 and now going down again. This is so depressing. I watched Oprah last week and she asked this man if he had thought of having weight loss surgery and he was like yeah but the surgery does nothing for your brain which is where the problem is and I was like, ugh, that is so me. I've lost 130 lbs. and so happy about that, I've gone from a size 30/32 to 18/20 and I'm so happy about that but when I look in the mirror, I still see the old me. I exercise and then I stop, I eat well and then I go back to grazing all day and making myself sick, by the way, I hope I never stop getting sick cuz that would just be a pass to continue eating. I'm like, what is wrong with me? Why can't I do this? I only want to lose 45 more pounds, why can't I do this? I don't want to be a size 8, I'm not concerned with getting "skinny" that I'll never be and I'm ok with that but I do want to see 199 and I can't even do that. The first 130 lbs came off easy and now I have to work at it, which I'm willing to do but I can't get my head there. Everytime I get sick I think ok, that was the last time, tomorrow it's the gym and I'm gonna stop, tomorrow comes and I'm like, well, I'll start tomorrow. It's stupid of me to be going through this, I am 40 years old and should be able to control myself but I can't. I am not eating crazy....well I am but I mean I am still eating small meals or if I don't eat a meal I'll graze on "100" calorie snacks all day...ok those 100 calories add up or I'll go out to eat and even if I don't the entire meal, what I did eat was enough calories for the entire day. I'll get full and stop eating and then as soon as the full feeling wears off, I'm ready to eat again...I didn't even do that before the surgery. I'm just sick with myself. I went to a support group and loved it but as I work 3rd shift and the meeting is at night, I haven't been back, but trust, next week, I'm going back...no more excuses. Why can't my head be where my stomach is? I feel so frustrated, so ashamed, so stupid!!!! Sorry but I needed to vent and this is my only outlet. I do not want to gain the weight back and that is a real fear of mine. I've come a long way and I don't want to mess up now. Please pray for me!!!!
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About Me
Location
37.1
BMI
Surgery
10/31/2007
Surgery Date
Jul 17, 2007
Member Since
