Lasha L.

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I have to apologize because I have a hard time following through. These updates should be bi-weekly, but life gets in the way and sometimes I am just f-ing lazy.

So I have had 2 appointments with my surgeon since my last post. The first one, I could only stay long enough to get weighed in and have my vitals checked. Now, after that disastrous display of Idiocy I managed to redeem myself by losing 3lbs! 

 Ok so since I couldnt stay for my appointment I set one for 2 weeks from that day.. now let me just tell you, I have only lost a total of maybe 5lbs throughout my journey and I was kinda feeling like a super loser, until today. I stepped on the scale, the weight showed up and I almost fell off... I had lost 8 Pounds!!!...8 in 2 weeks!! Is that even possible??  I guess it is becasue I did it. GO ME!!

Side note: All my paperwork has been finished and submitted for approval..

Oh yeah i forgot to tell you... I got my surgery date!!!! I only have 2 lose 2 more lbs before my pre-op on April 1. I'm going to attempt to lose 10 so that I dont have to go see the anesthesiologist before my surgery.

 .....sorry i've lost my train of thought and I am so not feeling witty tonight. I guess it is becasue I'm watching MTV Reality Shows.

 So I had my latest surgery consult with Dr. Krahn. Can I just say how much his assistant's voice annoys the shit out of me? Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, but i feel like turning up the volume and smacking him once to put some emotion in his voice. Sheesh Man! I know you are trying to be warm and comforting but it's just frustrating me more.

 Which brings me to why he even needs to comfort me in the first place. I GAINED A GODDAMN POUND! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!! With my pre-op diet I should have lost at least 30lbs by now, but my dumbass allowed someone else to sabotage me and now I am delayed an entire month!! My time line was going great too. I just need to make sure that I am at least 3 months Post op by August or October of this year or else I'm going to miss Bat's Day. I can't handle not looking good anymore.

 The diet works.. I know it does. I lost 6 lbs my first week. I was great for 3 weeks, but after week 4 it seemded like I was giving myself more excuses and reasons not to have a shake at all. To have only one meal per day and snack and graze here and there. I'm completely psyched out. I'm sitting here right now with an empty plate or homemade (deepfried) chicharronnes.

 My work has been awesome though. They know I am going to have surgery and they are already hiring someone to work my shift with me to prepare for when I am gone.  I couldnt ask for a better set of people.

 I NEED TO FIND A SUPPORT GROUP!! All of you that read my blogs (although I don't know how you can stand them), are great. You give great advice and yes I dont feel totally alone, but I need REAL LIFE people to call and talk to when I am feeling like I just can't make it. Which is how I feel now.

 Yes I know I am whining and after my surgery it is going to be worse, but for fucks sake.. I'm not fat for nothing? I have an addiction and I need a sponsor!!

 Ok.. so here's the scoop. The Pre-op diet...It Sucks Ass!! I'm missing my coffee and fruit. For crying out loud can't I at least have some fucking fruit?

 YES I have cheated. The last three days have been the worst. I dont dare eat during the day. It's when I am at work or at night when the cravings are so bad. I'm an addict and I know it. I find myself wanting to take diet pills just to curb it. I need a "sponsor". A local one.

 I just couldnt live with myself if I quit. I have my mother over my shoulder just waiting for me to quit or get caught cheating. People waiting for me to fail. 

 I can't even talk with my other friends about what I am going through because there is an unspoken jealousy. I know my friends are happy for me and want me to be successful in this, but a few of them want this for themselves and just like I was envious of friends that have already been in my shoes, they are envious too.

 I'm going to get through this, even if I have to do it alone.

 I met with Dr. Krahn yesterday.. and it seems like I am going to have to hit the ground running. Everything just seems so rushed, which is fine by me becasue I have deadlines and I don't like to do anything slow.

 I have to do the protein shake diet which is going to be super hard for me for the next 2 weeks, but this is a discipline test and I intend to do the best that I possibly can. This is the one thing I need to take this seriously.

 I also need to get my medical tests and screens done. I need copies of my weight management class info as well as a psych evaluation (which always pisses me off).

 One great bit of info.. because of my size I only need 3 MONTHS of weight management in order for IEHP to approve me.. YAY ME!!!

I have my first appointment with Dr. Krahn @ his new office @ Parkview Center for Obesity Surgery in Riverside this Thursday 12.13.2007.

I'll update after that. 

So I graduated from my Weight Management Class today. Fucking holidays pushed class back a week, but now I am done and I feel great having completed something.

I also got a great surprise this week. I asked for a referral for the Surgeon Consult.. AND I GOT IT!! I'll set an appointment tomorrow.

 So last weeks class was canceled. I guess there was a Job fair at the hospital, but I still get credit for the class. I wanted to do this class though because we were going to talk about emotional eating. I NEEDED this class, but I guess we'll cram in the info this coming week.

 Only 2 weeks left. I have no idea how well or how badly I have done, but my clothes aren't fitting any differently. I just feel better. I'm going to sign on for a new doctor and we'll see what he/she thinks we should do.

Ok.. so I am a little upset, but at the same time I knew it would happen. I have only lost 2 of the 8lbs expected for this class. It's a loss yes, ut of course I am discouraged.

I am making as many of the modification that I can. If and when I drink soda, which is rare, it is only Diets Dr. Pepper and Coke Zero. Wheat Bread isnt as bad as I thought it was. Ketchup has been banned, becasue it just really disgusts me. Mayo hasnt really come into play... yet!

We just got the car fixed so I will be doing some dedicated excercise this month, maybe that will get more pounds off. 

******

I may have a new job..If so that means my insurance will change...I'm not sure I like this or not. 

Ok so a couple new things have happened.

I got a new job which is great and I love it. It is with a temp agency, but they love me there so hopefully it becomes Permanent. Plus it gives me a reason to get dressed up and made-up everyday. That in itself makes me feel so much better about myself.

Second... I have done 2 weeks of my 8 week class at the YMCA. I am learning tons so far and have taken some steps towards living a more healthy lifestyle. No more regular sodas.. COKE ZERO for me. Lots of Fiji water and I am trying really hard to measure my food. It doesnt always happen, but then sometimes it does.

6 weeks to go.. and I am doing what I can.

Ok so let me start this off by saying that I am a little pissed off that I have to do 6 months worth of Weight Management! Not that the program is bad, but I wouldnt be looking for surgery if all other routes hadn't failed me, right?

I really wish that there was a way around this. Fuck.. my BMI is 60.. that is SUPER OBESE! I don't want to glorify that at all though because that is pathetic as all get out, and I am completely ashamed of myself for doing it.

I have gained 60 lbs in 2 months! I cannot keep up with my toddler, I have been in hiding for months and at this rate I'll never want to get laid again, now you KNOW that is a fucking problem!

Weight Watchers/Curves/YMCA... Here I come! Let's get this shit on the road.. I have a world to conquer.