LaurieBK

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Well, well, well.  In less than an hour, my day will be here.  Oh my God.  I can't believe it.  All the months, all the paperwork, all the worry, all the frustration......in less than 24 hours, it will be over.  Am I scared to death?  No.  Am I nervous?  Hell YES!  But I know the end result will far outweigh my nervousness.  I need to be at Johns Hopkins Bayview tomorrow morning at 10:50 a.m.  I assume my surgery is scheduled for 12:00 or 1:00.  I just hope once I'm settled in and my IV is running that they give me something to calm me down.  I can get pretty anxious while I'm waiting for surgery.  I've cleaned my house, set out two days worth of clothes for my son as well as two days worth of lunch money, I've written lists for both he and my daughter of things that need to be done, I've closed up at work.  I've even paid a couple of bills ahead of time.  I've pretty much packed everything I could until at least tomorrow morning.  I think I've covered everything.  Now I need to sit back and reflect and concentrate on getting through this.

I'm not much of a pray-er.  I've been very hurt by church 'leaders' in the past so I'm not too keen on organized religion.  But I can't help but turn to myself and our higher being to ask for the strength to get through this so I can be home with my children as soon as possible, as well as for the long haul.  My 17 year old is just beginning to peak in her difficult teen years and our road is becoming bumpy.  But she is one of the loves of my life and I have to be here for her.  My son is certainly a challenge and he needs my strength as well and also shares a part of being the love of my life.  My parents are the world to me as well and so is my special friend.  I want to be here and be healthy for them.  Tomorrow, I will receive the tool to do just that.

As I sit here, I can't help but wonder and get my hopes up that I may never sit in this chair, in front of this computer again weighing what I weigh at this second.  Tears of joy are actually streaming down my face at the prospect.  I'm so disgusted when I look down at myself.  Aside from all the things I'm supposed to say.....you know, I want to be healthy, I want to live, blah, blah, blah.....damn it, I want to look nice for the first time since I was 16.   I was told recently that even if I didn't have the surgery, I would still live 30 or 40 more years.  Well for some reason, that really hit home.  If I'm really lucky, I have 30 or 40 more years to live.  I certainly don't want to live those years being as miserable as I am at this very moment.  I want part of the life I see others living.  After tonight, hopefully I will be on the road to that life.

I want to take a moment to say thanks to everyone on this site who takes the time to read, read, read.  You have all gotten me through many sleepless nights, this being one of them!  You have helped me make a decision that will hopefully help transform me for life.  I owe so much to total strangers.  The unconditional love and honesty are invaluable.  Only we can truly understand one another and the trials and tribulations that each of us has faced.  Frankly, life has been pretty miserable.  We all have stories that would make anyone cry.  Tomorrow, I may begin to find a glimmer of happiness and all of you have helped me find the right path to begin that journey.

As I sit here typing, I'm weighing in at 318.5 pounds and my BMI is 47.  It makes me so sad to say that and I can't help but cringe in disgust.  If asked what my dream weight is, I suppose I would have to say 185.  I really don't think I'll even come close to that.  I would be satisfied with 215.  But you never know.  When I was 16, I weighed 160 and looked terrible and felt worse.  Can you believe I was too thin???  I was great at 185.  But then again, I was 16.  I'm 41 (YIKES!) now and my body is different.  We'll just have to sit back and watch and wait and work our asses off to see what we are capable of achieving. 

I'm going to sign off for now.  I plan to look at a few more before & after pictures to build up excitement again, take my very last sip of Coca-Cola before midnight, probably have a good cry, and then drift off to the thoughts of what may be in store for me a year from now.   A year is not very long, at least not the way time flies.  Thank you all for your good thoughts and wishes.  I promise to return them all to you.  Good night and skinny dreams everyone!  I promise to post just as soon as I'm able, hopefully as soon as Saturday night!

Well, in a little more than an hour, I will have only four days left before the second part of my journey begins.  The first part was all the leg work it took to make it to the surgery day.  It's hard to believe that it is almost here.  All the anticipation, nervousness, and even excitement are right in front of me now.  Unless something terrible happens,  this time next week I'll be sitting in front of this computer telling you about all the sordid details of my surgery from beginning to end.  One week.  Oh my God.

Of course, one little thing could very well screw all this up.  As of Friday morning, the staff in my primary care physician's office had yet to fax my paperwork to Hopkins' Admitting Office or Dr. Schweitzer.  It's pretty sad when I was able to predict this all along.  I'm going to have to march down there Monday morning and make an ass of myself until they hand me the paperwork so I can just fax it myself.  Sometimes....no, most of time....you're just better off doing things yourself to ensure they get done right.  I adore my primary care doc.....he's a great friend.....but his office staff sucks.  To think I've come all this way only to have his staff screw this up for me is infuriating!  But believe me, I will get it straight on Monday!

Tomorrow, I plan to go shopping to stock up on groceries in the house for my kids as well as for when I get home.  I'm going to buy a lot of the Carnation Instant Breakfast as well as some baby food.....no baby food meats though....yuk!  But I figure I can handle the fruits as long as they are natural with no sugar added.  Hopefully, I'm not going to be too interested in food anyhow.....but I know how important protein will be to me.  If I have any chance at all of keeping most of my hair, I have to eat! 

Also tomorrow night, I'm going to go ahead and start my photo journal.  I dread taking pictures of myself but know that a year from now I will hopefully be really happy that I did.  If this surgery is successful for me, it will be kind of neat to see the changes.  I'll do measurements as well.  Not sure if I'm going to post all this on here now.....my numbers are so embarrassing to me.  But I see that most other people do, so I may dive in and go for it.  I'm also going to start with fresh, new batteries for my scale.  ALTHOUGH, I must warn you......I'm hoping to have enough self discipline not to weigh myself until my two week check up with my surgeon.  Not sure if I'll make it, but I would be so disappointed if I don't lose.  Actually I'm terrified of stepping on the scale and seeing that I haven't lost anything.  And if I do wait the two weeks and am fortunate enough to lose, it will be kind of exciting to see how much.

Let's see......I can't think of anything else to share.  I'm planning a couple of 'last meals.'  Couple of my favorites.....spaghetti tomorrow night, big ol' steak on Tuesday night from Lone Star, and perhaps a chili hotdog from Anne's (in Glen Burnie.....Marylander's probably know this place well!) on Monday.  Really bad stuff!  As you can tell, sweets don't really bother me.....but oh my, the other stuff!  On Wednesday, I really plan to eat light.  My doc doesn't require a pre-op fast, just no food after midnight the day of surgery.  But I certainly don't want a big meal in me only hours before I'm being operated on.

Take care out there everyone.  I'll probably post my measurements and weights (well, maybe) tomorrow or Monday.  Keep good thoughts and no matter where you are in your journey.....keep plugging along!  Dreams do come true!

Hi out there!  Wow!  Okay, tell me these butterflies are supposed to be squirming around in my stomach!  I'm in the single digits now.....only 8 more days!  I'm getting really excited about the healthier, new life I may be gaining, but geez, I'm scared too.  Not too scared though.  I have a feeling that the next 8 days will fly by.  I received a call from the Admitting Department of Hopkins today, but I missed the call.  I'll call first thing in the morning.  I also have to check to see if my paperwork from my primary care physician's office has reached them yet.  I'd be willing to gamble quite a bit that it hasn't.  I'd actually be shocked if it has! 

I bought a picture album tonight that will be just perfect to capture my journey in.  I'll start by taking before pictures as well as measurements this weekend......egads!  I can't believe that I'm actually going to volunteer to take pictures of myself!  Then I hope to take pictures every four weeks for the first year.  I can't help but sometimes close my eyes and try to picture myself a year from now.  It's really sort of impossible, and I don't think I'll ever see myself as anything more (or less....whichever the case may be) than what I am now.  Hopefully, pictures will prove me wrong.

Have a great rest of the week out there.....I plan to get real busy getting ready for the big event and my trip to the 'winning' side!

Okay, time is rolling along a little too quickly!  I'm down to 15 more days.  I'm getting a serious case of the nervous jitters!  Help out there!  But I'm excited as well.  Once I get past the scariness, that is.  Anyway, I had my pre-op physical today.  It went fine just as I expected.  My primary care physician and I have been good friends for more than 20 years so it was relatively easy.  A med student came in and took my history and did a rudimentary exam.....blood pressure, pulse, auscultated my lungs and heart, oral exam, etc.  She did an EKG which was an interesting event to say the least, but we finally got through it.  I checked it on the computer while she was out of the room and it was fine (having even a little bit of medical knowledge can be truly dangerous!!).  Then I had my chest x-ray, which again looked fine to me but I'm not too great at reading radiographs.  Unfortunately, I'll have to go back tomorrow to have my labs drawn as the facility was closed by the time I left my physician's office.  But now the real anxious time starts for me.  My physician's office staff is not too great about details and they have to have my results to Hopkins in the next 12 days in order to meet their 72-hour pre-op window requirement.  I plan to start bugging the hell out of them next Tuesday and everyday thereafter until it is all sent up.

Everything else is status quo.  I have a super busy couple of weekends coming up, so I'll do my best to update my profile.  Have a good one everybody!

Well, I'm down to 16 days!  Maybe.  Probably. 

I had my anesthesia appointment today at Hopkins/Bayview.  For all you folks who have Dr. Schweitzer, Dr. Lidor, Dr. Steele, or Dr. Magnuson, I'll share with you what this appointment entailed.  Super easy, actually.  Anyway, you have to fill out paperwork AGAIN.  Yup.....the same paperwork you've filled out numerous times during this journey......past illnesses, past surgeries, medications, past problems with anesthesia.  It consisted of the front and back of one piece of paper.  So not too bad.  Then a nurse calls you back and reviews your history with you.  She weighed me (hey, I've lost 3 pounds!), took my blood pressure, listened to my lungs, heart, and neck, then looked at my throat.  That's it.  She did sort of walk me through from the beginning to the end of my hospitalization which was reassuring and kind of nice.  She gave me some sketcy post-op instructions (the actual instructions will be more tailored to my specific case before I leave) and that was about it. 

She did tell me that if all goes well....meaning the procedure is performed laparscopically..... I won't have any drains (Wow!  I found that hard to believe because I thought everyone had drains!) and no NG tube.  Yeah!  I will have a catheter in until the day after surgery and may have oxygen on when I wake up.  They will give me some sedation as soon as they get the IV started in the pre-op area.  That should help with the anxiety I always experience as I'm being rolled down to the OR.  And, best of all, again if all goes well I will be coming home in two days.  My surgery is on Thursday October 12 and I should come home on Saturday, October 14.

That's basically it.  It was just another day of driving!  Lots of driving!  Rednecks and city driving don't mix too well, but I made it.   The anesthesia nurse was a little concerned about the bronchitis I have right now and did confirm that if it gets worse, they will have to cancel surgery.  Isn't that just dandy.....that means another four month wait!  But, I'm sure it will be gone by then as it is much better now.

That's about all I can say about today's appointment.  Tomorrow is another big one, but hopefully the last hurdle and hola-hoop I have to jump through before October 12.  My pre-op physical, chest x-ray, EKG, and blood work are tomorrow.  I really don't have any worries about any of that, but watch something show up and that be what throws a wrench in to everything.  Now I understand why people get more and more anxious as their surgery dates roll near.  I'll also start worrying about my results from tomorrow reaching my surgeon and the admitting department within 72 hours of my surgery.  My primary doc's office staff is horrendous with these types of details and I'm going to have to stay on them like a fly on sh*t!  But believe me, I will.  I've come too damn far to let incompetent staff be the cause of this not happening for me. 

It's funny, but I'm going through all the 'last meal' anxieties.  Everything I eat right now, I can't help but tell myself that this is it, pretty much the last time I'll ever have it.  I must admit that I was really, REALLY bad last night and had my last Maggie Moo's chocolate milkshake.  So bad, but damn it was soooooo good!  Then I tell myself that once the weight loss nears where I hope it will be for good, I'll still be able to have some of those foods I love (okay, maybe not the milkshake), but I will have to learn a lot of moderation.  And I will.  My new motto will be "eat to live, don't live to eat."  And that's a hard philosphy to follow in a society where most social events focus on food.  When I go shopping with friends, the question is always "where will we have lunch?"  If you go out in the evening, everyone wonders where dinner will be.  Parties and get togethers always focus on food.  It will be a different way of living and may end up being harder on everyone else than it is me.  Just today, my new supervisor asked me about going out to lunch with her and my newly-retired supervisor after I get back.  I just said okay, but then I thought that she just doesn't have a clue.  I'm not going to really be able to eat much solid food for the first couple of months, so I think they'll be really uncomfortable with me just sitting there slugging back a big, ol' chocolate protein shake.  LOL!  Though the sacrifices will be many, the rewards will be more and I can't WAIT!  The weight loss, boost to my self esteem, and heightened confidence will be euphoric!

Uh-Oh!!!!!!!!!!  Wouldn't you just know it?!  The little sore throat I started with last Wednesday is now a full blown bronchitis!  I have only 19 more days till surgery!  I've contacted my great primary care physician who also happens to be a close friend -- he's going to see me tomorrow at a local 'doc-in-a-box.'  I've got to get on an antibiotic now to clear all this mess up.  Plus, my anesthesia appointment is on Tuesday.  If they hear even one little wheeze in there, I think I'm screwed!  Hopefully, 48 hours of antibiotic will clear things up.  Just when you think you're on the home stretch, something happens!  Keep me in your thoughts!

Hi folks!  Today, I went to my first and only pre-op support group meeting.  Well, let me think a moment and be honest.  This support group is best suited for the person who has done a moderate job of research but perhaps hasn't seen their surgeon, psychologist or nutritionist yet.  The information I received was, at best, a really good review of what I already had read and researched, and what had been told to me during the nutritional consultation.  Great, beneficial group, but if I knew before what I know now, I probably would have skipped the meeting.  I did, however, get one question answered......with the laparscopic procedure, average time off work is about three weeks.....that made me happy.  Again, though, this is a great group for those just beginning their journey and I would definitely recommend it for those people.  On the flip side, though, I did get to meet up with my new friend and bypass surgery buddy!!!  Thanks Linda for the great lunch and most of all, for the great company!  I WILL pay you back!

One other note......I did stay with Linda for the next group meeting which involved post-op patients who were more than six months out.  Most were more than a year out.  EVERY ONE of them said THEY WOULD DO IT AGAIN and their only regret was that they didn't do it SOONER!  What better testimony than that can you ask for??!!  Anyway, it has been a long day.......us country gals certainly can't take much of that city driving.....I'm exhausted!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Hi, friends!  I can't believe that I'm under the 30 day mark now.  Less than 29 days to go!  Definitely time for all this to sink in.  I'm nervous, but I have to admit that I'm so excited.  Now it seems that I'm hearing of more 'good' stories and successful outcomes than not.  And the people who are supportive, are REALLY supportive.  Working in a medical atmosphere tends to elicits many reactions, but lately, they've been good.  I do believe that the thought process in the medical world has changed significantly over the past five or so years.  I suppose enough time has passed and results are so dramatic that you can only deny the success of weight loss surgery for so long.  I also had third-hand contact with a friend today who had gastric bypass a year and a half ago.  She was also successful in finding a terrific surgeon who was able to perform the procedure laparscopically.  Drumroll please.......she's lost over 175 pounds in a year and a half.  Unbelievable!!  She must feel like a million bucks!  She's actually getting ready to undergo skin removal....she never thought it would be an issue for her, but her life is so different now she feels she might as well go for it!  I'm so happy for her!

Well enough for tonight!  If you are reading this profile searching for answers as to whether to have weight loss surgery, keep studying!  This site is a wonderful resource and holds so many answers for beginners, not to mention the wonderful people and friends you'll meet and keep forever (luv ya' Linda!).  Hang in there and keep your chin high!  A healthier lifestyle awaits us all, and I can't wait to be on the other side!

Wow!  I'm getting down there!  Only 34 more days to go.  It's really hard to believe.  It seems as though word is really starting to get out where I work about my surgery and for the most part, people are being supportive.  I'm not advertising the fact, but I have to take care of some issues that will need backup while I'm out.  When I tell people I may be out for a month or more, they automatically ask if I'm going on vacation.  So I tell them I'm having surgery and the bold ones ask if I'm okay.  I tell them I'm having a gastric bypass.  Most of the few I've told have been pretty supportive.  Which is a good thing for my emotional health!  It's kinda funny though......I had one girl at work tell me today that she heard I was having surgery and hoped it wasn't too serious.  I told her I was having the bypass.  Well, sadly, I would estimate she weighs anywhere from 400 to 450 pounds.  As soon as I said it, you could see a wall go up.  She asked me if it wasn't dangerous and I told her it was as dangerous as any other surgery, but I had come to a point where I thought carrying all this weight was more dangerous.  Pretty much, that was all she said.  You could tell she thought I was nuts, but I also sort of got a sense of envy from her, if that makes sense????   I know, in a sick self-centered way, it has always helped me to look around and see that my world of obesity wasn't a lonely world....I had plenty of company.  I don't know, her reaction could have been my imagination, but that's okay.  People are definitely entitled to their opinions.....who knows......after I do really well, maybe she'll think about how it would make her feel so much better and healthier.  People are funny, but I guess I can understand.  I may have reacted the same way when people at work would go on diets and lose weight.....I'd honestly be jealous and green with envy.....and don't tell me that most of you aren't!  And, secretly, when they gain it back I couldn't help but gloat and tell myself "told you so".....that was so mean, but I admit I did it.....I would almost be happy that my obese world had its friend back.  It's such a vicious cycle.....I just hope my cycle is coming to an end soon!  I really think I will be one of the most sensitive, caring and understanding people out there when it comes to someone's weight issues.  How could I not be??!!

Well, I don't want to bore you with paragraphs full of senseless thoughts tonight, so I'll stop here.  Still getting ready for the 'big event,' but like everyone else, I really won't be able to do too much until the actual week of the surgery.  Take care everyone!

Hi everyone!  Time rolls on....only 37 more days!  And not until I'm a 'loser' but until I'm a WINNER!  Today is a good day and I'm getting psyched.  I must say that for a moment today, though, I was in tears.  I saw a picture that was taken of me a couple of months ago, and I was astounded.  It was horrible and I am so big.  I've always heard that the camera will add 10 pounds to you, but I didn't think it would add 200!  I was really upset, but honestly, it didn't last too long.  I know that in 37 days, I will begin my new, healthier life.  I can't wait to work my big ass off (pun definitely intended!) and lose as much weight as my body, and of course my surgeon, will allow.  I AM GOING TO DO THIS! 

I did touch base with my surgeon's office today.  I waited until I had a couple of questions so that I wouldn't keep bugging poor ol' Debbie to death.  I did check on the pre-op meeting I've decided to go ahead and attend.  I usually dread these types of public meetings, but I kind of think I'm looking forward to this one.  I think it will be a good 'refresher' of sorts as to what to expect before, during, and after. 

I also found out that as of right now (subject to change with any gentle breeze), I am scheduled to be Dr. Schweitzer's afternoon case.  I am thrilled with this......I'll be able to get the kids off to school and get the house straight before I leave for Baltimore.  This will be great for me.  I also asked Debbie whether or not Dr. Schweitzer planned to perform a proximal or distal RNY....she said he hadn't indicated that to her, so I may e-mail him with that question.  I'm pretty sure I will have a proximal RNY.

Another issue I was worried about that I mentioned earlier in my profile was whether or not my insurance company was okay with my surgery date.  My original approval letter stated I was okay through September 30.....my date is not until October 12.  Debbie advised that she took care of this right away and received an extension until October 31.  That's good.....this is one of those little things I was afraid would hang me up in the end while I was laying on the operating table!

I also e-mailed Dr. Schweitzer's nutritionist requesting an appointment post-op.  I should have done this sooner, but I kept putting it off.  The date seemed so far off that it almost wasn't reality.  Hopefully, I'll hear from her tomorrow with a date.

Other than all this, I don't think I have any further updates.  It's funny, but all the Before & After pictures on OH have always been such an incentive for me.  But I think my biggest incentive was seeing myself today.  Perhaps after my surgery and after I've lost a little weight (which I WILL), I'll post the picture that reduced me to tears today.

Take care everyone!