Lizzy25
The "Hot Date"
Nov 23, 2011
My younger brother (age 24) had a hot date recently with a girl who looked like a sports illustrated swimsuit model. He showed me her facebook pictures, they all showed a very shapely, lean, toned, tan, svelte, sleek, plumped, plucked specimen of MTV beauty. All of his friends congratulated him on landing such a fox.
I was really surprised when he called me that evening, from the bathroom of a restaurant.
"You gotta help me, I have to end this date. I need an exit strategy."
Ummmm excuse me? Do you have explosive diarrhea and you need to go sit at home on the toilet? Why would you end a date with a girl who looks like a movie star but is hotter because she's sitting in front of you?
"She's BORING. Good lord she's boring. It's like trying to coax conversation out of a rock. She doesn't share any of my interests, doesn't have an opinion on anything, and won't talk about anything except tanning. She giggles. And she dropped out of community college." (She works at a tanning salon).
I was stifling my laughter at his predicament. I told him to make up an excuse like, I have to be at work early in the morning for a meeting I forgot I'd scheduled. He ended up purposefully knocking his wine onto his own lap (SMOOTH!) and insisting on going home before the stain set in (hahaha really? really.) I love my brother so freaking much.
It really got me thinking about attractiveness (again). I'm always thinking about different aspects of it. But this particular situation got me thinking about two points:
1) People who are very attractive are seen as prizes
2) People who are very attractive often aren't given the same chance to prove themselves before people put them in a pre-labeled box.
I have a friend who is an actress and she's drop-dead gorgeous and she always complained to me about how she hates it when people only focus on her physical attributes, nobody ever takes her seriously, etc etc. I always kind of laughed that off and thought mentally "you poor thing, too pretty for your own good! Cry me a river." But now I understand. Not from a personal standpoint (how vain would that be? I know I look a lot better but I'm still pretty danged humble, considering the state of my thighs). But because I can see how people really subscribe to the false dichotomy of beauty or brains.
It's not so bad with men, but with women there's a very strong message in society that you're either really smart or really beautiful. But not both. It's pervasively portrayed in movies and television. There's the hot dumb blonde and the smart geeky girl. Well maybe that's not the best example because even the 'ugly' people on television are still above-average in real life. It's all relative. But when we see someone who's drop-dead gorgeous, we can have trouble seeing past their physical beauty and we don't give them a chance to be judged based on their intellect or personality. It does eventually come through but it's like trying to look at the sun, in my experience. You're blinded by this other thing and you have to squint harder to look at the heart of who they are.
And I do think that they're judged more harshly in some terms because people don't like feeling inferior, so if they feel they're less attractive than someone, they'll think of some way to criticize the other person in order to bring them down. Yeah, haters. I do it all the time without thinking about it.
There are plenty of people who are hot and really awesome and intelligent. There are also plenty of people who are hot and not so much fun to be around. There are plenty of people who are unattractive who are not fun to be around. There are people whose appearance might make you wince who have absolute hearts of gold and will brighten your day. The two aspects are not as connected as we make them out to be.
I can't help but think, if this girl weren't a 10, if she were a 6 instead, would my brother have blown her off so easily? Yeah she talked about tanning a lot but maybe she was nervous and just needed some more coaxing. He decided pretty quickly that she was a dumb blonde, I think people should be given the benefit of at least 3 courses before judgment is passed. First dates are stressful and I think most people act a little weird at first.
On one hand it's nice for people to admire you for your beauty. But on the other hand, it can be a disadvantage because that's what they get distracted by and you might have to work harder to get taken seriously. (Oh what a problem to have! I'd take it).
I was on OKCupid for a little while and read some interesting stuff the site's staff wrote about dating statistics. They mine the data and analyze it for all sorts of factors. They found that girls who were judged to be a 7 got way more messages than girls who were judged to be a 10. Their reasoning was that these slightly less attractive girls seemed more attainable and less intimidating than the girls who were ultimate paragons of physical perfection. I've gotta admit, I'm pretty intimidated by movie-star gorgeousness. So I can understand it. (WHY then wasn't my inbox blowing up? Explain that!)
I always wished so fervently to be beautiful. It's all I ever wanted because it's been the only thing I never had. But I'm starting to realize that MOST people are 'average'. If you shut off the tv and actually look around, the majority of people are neither ugly nor stunningly gorgeous. They're average. And what sets them apart from each other is their intellect, their humor, their ability to make you feel good, their grace, everything about them that is not on the exterior.
I actually have it pretty good right now. I fit comfortably into the 'average' category in terms of physical appearance. I look good with make-up on and terrible after a night out drinking. Just like most other people. I am not intimidating, and I'm not repulsive. That's a pretty good jumping-off point. I need to worry way less about my cellulite and much more about my social interactions with people. Because that is what will make me more or less attractive. That is what will make someone want to call me for a 2nd date. Not losing another 5lb or getting a slightly better hairstyle.
Ok maybe I'll still work on that 5lb. But I can start memorizing jokes while on the treadmill.
I'm proud of my brother for not running through the motions with the beautiful girl in hopes of scoring, despite incompatibility issues. I'm happy that he's above that. It gives me hope that someone is gonna look at me and think "Well she bites her fingernails and has small teeth but this chick is awesome, she can say 'the cow is eating my pants' in 11 languages! I hope she likes me!" It also makes me want to re-examine the assumptions I tend to blindly make about people who are really really attractive. I give them a little less slack. That's not fair.
And yes, I really can say that phrase in 11 languages. La vache mange mes pantalons.
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I was really surprised when he called me that evening, from the bathroom of a restaurant.
"You gotta help me, I have to end this date. I need an exit strategy."
Ummmm excuse me? Do you have explosive diarrhea and you need to go sit at home on the toilet? Why would you end a date with a girl who looks like a movie star but is hotter because she's sitting in front of you?
"She's BORING. Good lord she's boring. It's like trying to coax conversation out of a rock. She doesn't share any of my interests, doesn't have an opinion on anything, and won't talk about anything except tanning. She giggles. And she dropped out of community college." (She works at a tanning salon).
I was stifling my laughter at his predicament. I told him to make up an excuse like, I have to be at work early in the morning for a meeting I forgot I'd scheduled. He ended up purposefully knocking his wine onto his own lap (SMOOTH!) and insisting on going home before the stain set in (hahaha really? really.) I love my brother so freaking much.
It really got me thinking about attractiveness (again). I'm always thinking about different aspects of it. But this particular situation got me thinking about two points:
1) People who are very attractive are seen as prizes
2) People who are very attractive often aren't given the same chance to prove themselves before people put them in a pre-labeled box.
I have a friend who is an actress and she's drop-dead gorgeous and she always complained to me about how she hates it when people only focus on her physical attributes, nobody ever takes her seriously, etc etc. I always kind of laughed that off and thought mentally "you poor thing, too pretty for your own good! Cry me a river." But now I understand. Not from a personal standpoint (how vain would that be? I know I look a lot better but I'm still pretty danged humble, considering the state of my thighs). But because I can see how people really subscribe to the false dichotomy of beauty or brains.
It's not so bad with men, but with women there's a very strong message in society that you're either really smart or really beautiful. But not both. It's pervasively portrayed in movies and television. There's the hot dumb blonde and the smart geeky girl. Well maybe that's not the best example because even the 'ugly' people on television are still above-average in real life. It's all relative. But when we see someone who's drop-dead gorgeous, we can have trouble seeing past their physical beauty and we don't give them a chance to be judged based on their intellect or personality. It does eventually come through but it's like trying to look at the sun, in my experience. You're blinded by this other thing and you have to squint harder to look at the heart of who they are.
And I do think that they're judged more harshly in some terms because people don't like feeling inferior, so if they feel they're less attractive than someone, they'll think of some way to criticize the other person in order to bring them down. Yeah, haters. I do it all the time without thinking about it.
There are plenty of people who are hot and really awesome and intelligent. There are also plenty of people who are hot and not so much fun to be around. There are plenty of people who are unattractive who are not fun to be around. There are people whose appearance might make you wince who have absolute hearts of gold and will brighten your day. The two aspects are not as connected as we make them out to be.
I can't help but think, if this girl weren't a 10, if she were a 6 instead, would my brother have blown her off so easily? Yeah she talked about tanning a lot but maybe she was nervous and just needed some more coaxing. He decided pretty quickly that she was a dumb blonde, I think people should be given the benefit of at least 3 courses before judgment is passed. First dates are stressful and I think most people act a little weird at first.
On one hand it's nice for people to admire you for your beauty. But on the other hand, it can be a disadvantage because that's what they get distracted by and you might have to work harder to get taken seriously. (Oh what a problem to have! I'd take it).
I was on OKCupid for a little while and read some interesting stuff the site's staff wrote about dating statistics. They mine the data and analyze it for all sorts of factors. They found that girls who were judged to be a 7 got way more messages than girls who were judged to be a 10. Their reasoning was that these slightly less attractive girls seemed more attainable and less intimidating than the girls who were ultimate paragons of physical perfection. I've gotta admit, I'm pretty intimidated by movie-star gorgeousness. So I can understand it. (WHY then wasn't my inbox blowing up? Explain that!)
I always wished so fervently to be beautiful. It's all I ever wanted because it's been the only thing I never had. But I'm starting to realize that MOST people are 'average'. If you shut off the tv and actually look around, the majority of people are neither ugly nor stunningly gorgeous. They're average. And what sets them apart from each other is their intellect, their humor, their ability to make you feel good, their grace, everything about them that is not on the exterior.
I actually have it pretty good right now. I fit comfortably into the 'average' category in terms of physical appearance. I look good with make-up on and terrible after a night out drinking. Just like most other people. I am not intimidating, and I'm not repulsive. That's a pretty good jumping-off point. I need to worry way less about my cellulite and much more about my social interactions with people. Because that is what will make me more or less attractive. That is what will make someone want to call me for a 2nd date. Not losing another 5lb or getting a slightly better hairstyle.
Ok maybe I'll still work on that 5lb. But I can start memorizing jokes while on the treadmill.
I'm proud of my brother for not running through the motions with the beautiful girl in hopes of scoring, despite incompatibility issues. I'm happy that he's above that. It gives me hope that someone is gonna look at me and think "Well she bites her fingernails and has small teeth but this chick is awesome, she can say 'the cow is eating my pants' in 11 languages! I hope she likes me!" It also makes me want to re-examine the assumptions I tend to blindly make about people who are really really attractive. I give them a little less slack. That's not fair.
And yes, I really can say that phrase in 11 languages. La vache mange mes pantalons.
On plastics backlash and 'keeping what is useful'
Sep 21, 2011
"You're marginally more attractive and substantially less interesting."
These words devastated me when they came from someone whose opinion I value, someone who I consider to be an exceedingly intelligent and insightful individual. He said it to me last night as we were chatting online. I was talking about my breast lift/augmentation recovery, the swelling, the pills, the doubts, the joy, the pain, all of it. I had it done 2 weeks ago. I'm still stuck at home, still tired, still have too much time to stand naked in front of my mirror and alternately agonize/celebrate.
I was so stunned that I couldn't even ask for him to elaborate immediately. I didn't really want to. I knew he wasn't talking in the short term, as in, you're less interesting to talk to right now because you're so focused on the state of your nipple progress.
He did go on to explain that he thinks I've lost a certain degree of uniqueness and depth. He said, "You're so intensely focused on the fine details of yourself under your personal microscope that you're completely out of focus with everything outside of that field of view. You don't see or listen to other people anymore."
A large part of me really respects him for saying it. Because I can see where he's coming from. This whole process has been all about ME. My body, my insecurities, my dreams, my desires, my take on what I need to be. I do have the tendency to talk about myself a lot. I would say yes, I'm self-centered, but not in the egotistical sense. In the sense that, I'm constantly thinking about all aspects of myself and it is reflected in my dialogues with others.
But after our conversation I laid awake in bed for hours, turning it all over in my mind. A random phrase from some long-forgotten self-help book popped into my head. It was something along the lines of "Keep only what is useful, move on from the rest."
There are parts of his feedback that I can use. I can recognize that I am extremely focused on myself, and that I have developed a tendency to not listen as carefully to other people, because I'm obsessing in my head about ME ME ME. This is not a fun realization. But I can change it, if I'm aware of it.
Now that I've had to time to digest and regain my equilibrium, I've decided that I will not let him make me feel bad, or inferior, or shallow for having plastic surgery.
I admit that I used to look down on people with breast implants. They're shallow. They're insecure. They don't have the internal fortitude to value themselves for what they're already worth. But I'm in a completely different place now. I get it.
You can value yourself and still yearn for improvement. I actually believe that the more you value yourself, the more you will WANT to improve. Intellectually, emotionally, physically, financially, everything.
Plastic surgery. People always understand when someone has 30 pounds of flesh hanging down to their knees after a 300lb weight loss. That's clearly a medical issue. But I'm not one of those cases. I don't get rashes from skin folds. I just think my body looks bad with the extra skin. I hated my breasts. They made me feel so unfeminine.
He was always saying, you're already beautiful, you're already more than adequate, you're already great. You're just buying into a predetermined version of beauty perpetuated by a dumbed-down society. YES, I'm using society's template for beauty as my basis for what I want in myself physically.
But what are you asking from me? I'm human. We're innately, biologically, at our very cores, social creatures. We evolved to observe our peers and emulate them, because our very survival once hinged upon our ability to form and maintain social connections. I won't apologize for being unable to transcend one of the most basic tenets of my social existence.
It also made me realize that I HAVE gotten lazy in my observation of others. Because when he said those words to me, I immediately accepted them as truth, simply because they came from him, a smart insightful person who I trust and respect.
He's right, and he's wrong. I'm not the same person as the one he wants me to be or thinks I used to be. But I'm no less valuable, and I have a fire in my chest that sometimes feels like it will consume me, a need to learn and explore and help and improve.
I am having plastic surgery not because I feel worthless without it, but because I feel I am worth it.
6 comments
These words devastated me when they came from someone whose opinion I value, someone who I consider to be an exceedingly intelligent and insightful individual. He said it to me last night as we were chatting online. I was talking about my breast lift/augmentation recovery, the swelling, the pills, the doubts, the joy, the pain, all of it. I had it done 2 weeks ago. I'm still stuck at home, still tired, still have too much time to stand naked in front of my mirror and alternately agonize/celebrate.
I was so stunned that I couldn't even ask for him to elaborate immediately. I didn't really want to. I knew he wasn't talking in the short term, as in, you're less interesting to talk to right now because you're so focused on the state of your nipple progress.
He did go on to explain that he thinks I've lost a certain degree of uniqueness and depth. He said, "You're so intensely focused on the fine details of yourself under your personal microscope that you're completely out of focus with everything outside of that field of view. You don't see or listen to other people anymore."
A large part of me really respects him for saying it. Because I can see where he's coming from. This whole process has been all about ME. My body, my insecurities, my dreams, my desires, my take on what I need to be. I do have the tendency to talk about myself a lot. I would say yes, I'm self-centered, but not in the egotistical sense. In the sense that, I'm constantly thinking about all aspects of myself and it is reflected in my dialogues with others.
But after our conversation I laid awake in bed for hours, turning it all over in my mind. A random phrase from some long-forgotten self-help book popped into my head. It was something along the lines of "Keep only what is useful, move on from the rest."
There are parts of his feedback that I can use. I can recognize that I am extremely focused on myself, and that I have developed a tendency to not listen as carefully to other people, because I'm obsessing in my head about ME ME ME. This is not a fun realization. But I can change it, if I'm aware of it.
Now that I've had to time to digest and regain my equilibrium, I've decided that I will not let him make me feel bad, or inferior, or shallow for having plastic surgery.
I admit that I used to look down on people with breast implants. They're shallow. They're insecure. They don't have the internal fortitude to value themselves for what they're already worth. But I'm in a completely different place now. I get it.
You can value yourself and still yearn for improvement. I actually believe that the more you value yourself, the more you will WANT to improve. Intellectually, emotionally, physically, financially, everything.
Plastic surgery. People always understand when someone has 30 pounds of flesh hanging down to their knees after a 300lb weight loss. That's clearly a medical issue. But I'm not one of those cases. I don't get rashes from skin folds. I just think my body looks bad with the extra skin. I hated my breasts. They made me feel so unfeminine.
He was always saying, you're already beautiful, you're already more than adequate, you're already great. You're just buying into a predetermined version of beauty perpetuated by a dumbed-down society. YES, I'm using society's template for beauty as my basis for what I want in myself physically.
But what are you asking from me? I'm human. We're innately, biologically, at our very cores, social creatures. We evolved to observe our peers and emulate them, because our very survival once hinged upon our ability to form and maintain social connections. I won't apologize for being unable to transcend one of the most basic tenets of my social existence.
It also made me realize that I HAVE gotten lazy in my observation of others. Because when he said those words to me, I immediately accepted them as truth, simply because they came from him, a smart insightful person who I trust and respect.
He's right, and he's wrong. I'm not the same person as the one he wants me to be or thinks I used to be. But I'm no less valuable, and I have a fire in my chest that sometimes feels like it will consume me, a need to learn and explore and help and improve.
I am having plastic surgery not because I feel worthless without it, but because I feel I am worth it.
Day 4 post-boobs
Sep 11, 2011
Oh my goodness. The swelling. The itching. The bloating!!! I really can't complain that much about pain, because I'm still just extremely sore, in my pecs. Nothing sharp, just achey, like I've overused them. But my upper chest has swollen even more, I look like Arnold Schwarzenegger on top. The skin is a little hot to the touch but I'm not running a fever, I think it's just stretched so tight. My incisions under the breast (in the crease) are itchy, as are the stitches around my right nipple. But as long as I keep myself occupied I can keep from messing with them. When I changed the bandages I was SHOCKED at how sensitive my nipples were, I couldn't even stand to touch them. Well I guess I won't need to worry about loss of nipple sensation then!
I look like I'm 3 months pregnant, my tummy is swollen, so are my upper arms. My elbows are very sore. I was super stressed because I hadn't had a BM since before the surgery on thursday so I finally broke down and got a fleet enema. TIP: you need to *take the cap off* the nozzle before attempting to use. In my defense, I was groggy on pain meds. I eventually figured it out, and got things moving. Phew.
My ex-boyfriend, who lives across the country, called me the other night. He didn't know I'd gotten this surgery. When I told him, he was shocked. But once we talked about it a little more he was curiously excited. He oh-so-kindly offered to fly out to visit me once I'm healed. *snort* Yeah, who wants to bet that he just wants to be the first to take my new chimichangas on a test-run. Not happening. But I did text him a (clothed) pic, just so he knows what he's missing out on.
I'm finding that my stomach capacity has shrunk considerably in the last few days, probably because of internal swelling. I wasn't expecting it with this surgery because it's up in my chest, but my stomach has swollen and I think is compressing my sleeve. I was so worried about gaining weight during this recovery but I can only fit in 2-3 bites now so if anything I think I'll end up losing weight (once all this danged swelling and water weight goes away). I'm doing my best to focus on protein smoothies now because I need it for healing.
It will be even more of an issue after my tummy tuck. I'm going to ask my surgeon if there are liquid antibiotics he can put me on after that one, because the antibiotic pills I'm on now are very large and one of them got stuck this morning, it was very painful for about 20 mins before I was able to dislodge it by slurping down some mushed up banana and water.
One last thing: valium. I love it. It's a wonder drug. It relaxes my chest muscles, puts me in a zen state where nothing can go wrong, lets me drift off onto a cloud of peacefulness. god bless america. god bless valium.
1 comment
I look like I'm 3 months pregnant, my tummy is swollen, so are my upper arms. My elbows are very sore. I was super stressed because I hadn't had a BM since before the surgery on thursday so I finally broke down and got a fleet enema. TIP: you need to *take the cap off* the nozzle before attempting to use. In my defense, I was groggy on pain meds. I eventually figured it out, and got things moving. Phew.
My ex-boyfriend, who lives across the country, called me the other night. He didn't know I'd gotten this surgery. When I told him, he was shocked. But once we talked about it a little more he was curiously excited. He oh-so-kindly offered to fly out to visit me once I'm healed. *snort* Yeah, who wants to bet that he just wants to be the first to take my new chimichangas on a test-run. Not happening. But I did text him a (clothed) pic, just so he knows what he's missing out on.
I'm finding that my stomach capacity has shrunk considerably in the last few days, probably because of internal swelling. I wasn't expecting it with this surgery because it's up in my chest, but my stomach has swollen and I think is compressing my sleeve. I was so worried about gaining weight during this recovery but I can only fit in 2-3 bites now so if anything I think I'll end up losing weight (once all this danged swelling and water weight goes away). I'm doing my best to focus on protein smoothies now because I need it for healing.
It will be even more of an issue after my tummy tuck. I'm going to ask my surgeon if there are liquid antibiotics he can put me on after that one, because the antibiotic pills I'm on now are very large and one of them got stuck this morning, it was very painful for about 20 mins before I was able to dislodge it by slurping down some mushed up banana and water.
One last thing: valium. I love it. It's a wonder drug. It relaxes my chest muscles, puts me in a zen state where nothing can go wrong, lets me drift off onto a cloud of peacefulness. god bless america. god bless valium.
