The "Hot Date"

Nov 23, 2011

 My younger brother (age 24) had a hot date recently with a girl who looked like a sports illustrated swimsuit model. He showed me her facebook pictures, they all showed a very shapely, lean, toned, tan, svelte, sleek, plumped, plucked specimen of MTV beauty. All of his friends congratulated him on landing such a fox. 

I was really surprised when he called me that evening, from the bathroom of a restaurant. 

"You gotta help me, I have to end this date. I need an exit strategy." 

Ummmm excuse me? Do you have explosive diarrhea and you need to go sit at home on the toilet? Why would you end a date with a girl who looks like a movie star but is hotter because she's sitting in front of you? 

"She's BORING. Good lord she's boring. It's like trying to coax conversation out of a rock. She doesn't share any of my interests, doesn't have an opinion on anything, and won't talk about anything except tanning. She giggles. And she dropped out of community college." (She works at a tanning salon). 

I was stifling my laughter at his predicament. I told him to make up an excuse like, I have to be at work early in the morning for a meeting I forgot I'd scheduled. He ended up purposefully knocking his wine onto his own lap (SMOOTH!) and insisting on going home before the stain set in (hahaha really? really.) I love my brother so freaking much. 

It really got me thinking about attractiveness (again). I'm always thinking about different aspects of it. But this particular situation got me thinking about two points: 

1) People who are very attractive are seen as prizes
2) People who are very attractive often aren't given the same chance to prove themselves before people put them in a pre-labeled box. 

I have a friend who is an actress and she's drop-dead gorgeous and she always complained to me about how she hates it when people only focus on her physical attributes, nobody ever takes her seriously, etc etc. I always kind of laughed that off and thought mentally "you poor thing, too pretty for your own good! Cry me a river." But now I understand. Not from a personal standpoint (how vain would that be? I know I look a lot better but I'm still pretty danged humble, considering the state of my thighs). But because I can see how people really subscribe to the false dichotomy of beauty or brains. 

It's not so bad with men, but with women there's a very strong message in society that you're either really smart or really beautiful. But not both. It's pervasively portrayed in movies and television. There's the hot dumb blonde and the smart geeky girl. Well maybe that's not the best example because even the 'ugly' people on television are still above-average in real life. It's all relative. But when we see someone who's drop-dead gorgeous, we can have trouble seeing past their physical beauty and we don't give them a chance to be judged based on their intellect or personality. It does eventually come through but it's like trying to look at the sun, in my experience. You're blinded by this other thing and you have to squint harder to look at the heart of who they are. 

And I do think that they're judged more harshly in some terms because people don't like feeling inferior, so if they feel they're less attractive than someone, they'll think of some way to criticize the other person in order to bring them down. Yeah, haters. I do it all the time without thinking about it. 

There are plenty of people who are hot and really awesome and intelligent. There are also plenty of people who are hot and not so much fun to be around. There are plenty of people who are unattractive who are not fun to be around. There are people whose appearance might make you wince who have absolute hearts of gold and will brighten your day. The two aspects are not as connected as we make them out to be. 

I can't help but think, if this girl weren't a 10, if she were a 6 instead, would my brother have blown her off so easily? Yeah she talked about tanning a lot but maybe she was nervous and just needed some more coaxing. He decided pretty quickly that she was a dumb blonde, I think people should be given the benefit of at least 3 courses before judgment is passed. First dates are stressful and I think most people act a little weird at first. 

On one hand it's nice for people to admire you for your beauty. But on the other hand, it can be a disadvantage because that's what they get distracted by and you might have to work harder to get taken seriously. (Oh what a problem to have! I'd take it). 

I was on OKCupid for a little while and read some interesting stuff the site's staff wrote about dating statistics. They mine the data and analyze it for all sorts of factors. They found that girls who were judged to be a 7 got way more messages than girls who were judged to be a 10. Their reasoning was that these slightly less attractive girls seemed more attainable and less intimidating than the girls who were ultimate paragons of physical perfection. I've gotta admit, I'm pretty intimidated by movie-star gorgeousness. So I can understand it. (WHY then wasn't my inbox blowing up? Explain that!) 

I always wished so fervently to be beautiful. It's all I ever wanted because it's been the only thing I never had. But I'm starting to realize that MOST people are 'average'. If you shut off the tv and actually look around, the majority of people are neither ugly nor stunningly gorgeous. They're average. And what sets them apart from each other is their intellect, their humor, their ability to make you feel good, their grace, everything about them that is not on the exterior.

I actually have it pretty good right now. I fit comfortably into the 'average' category in terms of physical appearance. I look good with make-up on and terrible after a night out drinking. Just like most other people. I am not intimidating, and I'm not repulsive. That's a pretty good jumping-off point. I need to worry way less about my cellulite and much more about my social interactions with people. Because that is what will make me more or less attractive. That is what will make someone want to call me for a 2nd date. Not losing another 5lb or getting a slightly better hairstyle. 

Ok maybe I'll still work on that 5lb. But I can start memorizing jokes while on the treadmill. 

I'm proud of my brother for not running through the motions with the beautiful girl in hopes of scoring, despite incompatibility issues. I'm happy that he's above that. It gives me hope that someone is gonna look at me and think "Well she bites her fingernails and has small teeth but this chick is awesome, she can say 'the cow is eating my pants' in 11 languages! I hope she likes me!" It also makes me want to re-examine the assumptions I tend to blindly make about people who are really really attractive. I give them a little less slack. That's not fair. 

And yes, I really can say that phrase in 11 languages. La vache mange mes pantalons. 

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