Onederland....At Last!!!

Jan 25, 2012

 It is true....I have finally ended my 2 week plateau and crashed through that brick wall that was called 200 and reached One-derland!  I remember every day that I saw 200 creeping closer to the scale 21 years ago as I crossed over from 199 to 200 and above....each day I would get on the scale I would tell myself that I would Never get to 200...then 205...then 210...and well, you know...until I hit 250.  Then I thought if I just stayed there at 250 I could survive forever.....but as you have read before...my body could only hold on for so long before something had to give....and it was my health that suffered.  

I remember the days...and weeks of depression that I went through knowing I was big, but I never looked in mirrors (If you do not go clothes shopping...you do not have to look at yourself) so reality did not set in.  It was the same when I used to smoke....I started at 11 years old with my girlfriend...she would get our smokes from her parents and we would lock ourselves in her bathroom with the fan on, and window open looking at ourselves in the mirror learning how to look cool.....years passed...and while a pack was still under .75 and I was smoking a pack a day, I said I would quit if a pack cost over $1.00.  I had chest x-rays...where the tech would say....."you have the best lungs I have seen....you are sure not a smoker!"  I would laugh and figure that as long as there was nothing showing....it was proof to me that smoking was not a danger.......(Hello?????)  I did quit smoking....about 13 years ago.....I have had a couple since then....but did not like it....and think how much money I have saved!   But I digressed...

My head said that if I did not see my body, I was still the same person I was when I weighed 120......so I couldn't be obese. 
Chunky....large...larger than.....heavy...ok, fat....but not Obese. I will never forget the time I peeked into one of my medical charts that was laying open in the E.R. one day an the first words were "Pleasant, clean, obese female..." .  Man was I mad!  I thought who the heck was this person judging me?????  I knew lots of other people who were bigger than me!    But this is where only hindsight shows how denial works it's magic.  I have worked with 12-step programs in the past....took multiple classes in college about addictions, and psychology classes galore......I understand the need of a "Higher Power"....but I was still not obese.   

These last few months I have learned more about myself with this journey of regaining my life back than I think I have learned in the last 20 years.  With my children now grown...(my youngest just turned 20 this week), I have the time to focus on me....What am I really feeling, What am I really doing....Where do I want to be....What do I want the rest of my life to be like?  Not sure if I have stated this before, but I was adopted when I was 7 years old....so I never knew what my biological issues were...what genes I would battle.....growing up we ate well, good portions....my siblings and I were all very active in playing, swimming, bike riding, walking and sports....lots of veggies...not a lot of fast foods...or fried foods, nor too many sweets.....Kudos to my mother....she did great in that area!  What I have learned however in meeting and getting to know my biological siblings and other extended family members, was that I come from a long list of heavy set (obese) women...and 54-55 years was all that my birth mother, two aunts, and an uncle survived to.  So to hear last May that I would die in a year if  I did not loose drastic weight by then was not a good thing to hear.....Those are odds I would not want to take to Vegas.

As I have looked at how I eat, and my lack of exercise, and really look at myself in a full length mirror, and stand on the scale every couple of days (sorry...I am one of those people who need a daily show of weight to help motivate me) I began to get excited about watching the 200 mark come back into the picture....from the other side.  Now that I have crossed over the "Bar of No Return" as I call it...I am getting excited.  I have gone from a size 24 or 3X to a 17 or L...I have looked at my self and can see my legs..and feet without bending over...I can run up 2 flights of stairs without being winded...I have ribs that can be felt...and bony knees....I like what I see when I am dressed in jeans and a cute top...I have gotten rid of all of my "Mom Jeans"  and even own a pair of low ride jeans....(those may take some getting used to).  For the first time in a very very long time...I get excited at the idea of going shopping...knowing that I do not have to be stuck in the "old lady clothes" as my daughter called it before.  Words like cute, sexy and hot are the terms my daughter uses now to describe how I look when I get dressed.  

I know that people who have not gone through this experience can not fully understand how it feels to be 198!!!!  It is like trying to explain what childbirth feels like in all of its stages to someone who has never experienced it for themselves.  The words are there...and are descriptive, but the emotion...that connection feeling is not there like it is to someone who has delivered a child naturally.  I am SO EXCITED to be back in the land of Onederland...As soon as I can remember how...I will post a new picture of myself here in my size 17 jeans....  I still have areas to work on...my new goal....is my wedding weight (178) and that was in 1989.  I also have plans to hit the gym again...on a consistent pattern.  I still struggle with food....meats are very hard still....I have added couscous this week...with veggies in in and a small bit of Bombay Curry and mixed types of raisins are good...and Soy Garden burgers ( I get them at Costco) is my new favorite dinner...I use a small bit of Katsu sauce on it...yummy.  

I am off for a girls weekend this weekend (my 53rd birthday by the way) and am looking forward to going for a great walk along the bay weather permitting (can you say rain in the Pacific Northwest....)  Until I get home....I will let you know that there is No place...like Onederland!   Deborah 1/26/2012

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