lovinlifenow
I am set up for micropouch open-RNY on Nov 18, 2004--i am so excited........and scared
10-9-04 I have been overweight a good chunk of my life since 2 nd grade...although having always felt fat, i look back at pictures of myself in my high school and college years and i think that isnt at all how i remember myself...in pictures i dont see the fat girl i thought i was.....i definitely have curves, but not how my head saw me. Since graduate school (during and after) i gained over 100 pounds and have not been able to take it off. I would lose some but then put it on again..and of course, more.
I have thought about weightloss surgery a number of times..but i always thought i could and should be able to get a handle on my weight on my own--i put it there--so i should be able to get it off. But that isnt the way it works....at least not for me..i cannot do this on my own...i need help--i dont expect a panacea......i just need something that keeps me pointed in the right direction at the times that i lose my focus..and i am hoping my pouch will do that for or with me.
I have put my life on hold for way too long, waiting for the right moment--and losing a certain number of pounds. Well i am done with that. I want to be part of life. I have had alot of issues that i blamed being fat on.....genetics, my brother dying and feeling guilty that he died and i lived, not being particularly success in the area of relationships and using my weight first as an excuse and then as a weapon of evasiion so as to just not have to deal with the lousy choices i made. and i could go on and on....
People who know me find alot of this hard to believe because i am relatively gregarious, i can be very fun and funny, and i have a good soul. But i spent alot of time not particularly liking me for reasons that werent particularly rationale from the outside, but very real on the inside. Getting ready to hit 50 has been a wonderful journey for me during that last year as i began to anticipate it. I have become much freer in the last months--wanting to embrace life rather than keeping it at arms distance. Recommitting to the last half of my life--yes i want to still be around for a long time--has allowed me to move forward..and accept this gift (of pouching--grin) to bringing me back to be here in this world until which time i move on to the great beyond.
I am so ready for this--even though i am scared--that it just cant happen fast enough.......i dont want to say that i am becoming a bit obssessed with it, but i carry around my Cori book with me in the car so that when i have a few minutes i can keep reviewing my life changes that i am beginning and will continue after the surgery.........
The one thing that has been such a surprise to me is telling people about my decision to have the surgery. I have been extremely hesitant to tell anyone because i dont want to hear any negativity when i am trying to be so positive. And each time i share it with someone--i get nothing but--"thank goodness" or "i am so happy for you" or"i always wanted to ask you if you ever thought about the surgery but i was afraid i would hurt your feelings" there has been nothing negative that has come back other than just the concern that anyone has for anyone having surgery. Now wait--i have to step back, the other night Bill Maher was on some night talk show and said some extremely diparaging things about people having bariatric surgery, but i wasnt going to ask him his opinion anyway--he isnt in my circle of intimates! :) thats intimates not inmates!
I cant wait for my new life! it is kind of funny too--now that i have made the decision, have my date, and been able during these last few weeks to let go of the everyday frustration of waking up in the morning and obsessing about my weight all day long.......i have even started to lose weight......maybe because i am letting myself eat---i have spent so much of my life thinking--oh i shouldnt eat that--or this--and combined with various dieting endeavors........i think my poor body hasnt even known what it is supposed to do with food anymore.......it gets starved.......then it gets overloaded.then it gets deprived of certain things, and then all of a sudden something else is added or taken away........just living right now with it and not focusing on avoiding but just "being" seems to be somewhat healing in and of itself. I am hoping that since the surgery will really require me to eat routinely a number of times a day....that maybe i will learn to trust it with food..and it will learn to trust me.........My pouch and I --soon to be on the road to harmony....rather than constant dissonance.......if i were a songwriter i might be able to do something with that! lol
I am so grateful to OH for providing this forum for so many to be able to learn and share and seek comfort.
10/31/04 BOOOOOOOOO! Happy halloween! 18 more days until i have a new chance at life. I am glad i have had this time to prepare myself for the change, even though i really wanted the surgery earlier. the time has helped me say goodbye to dome old issues and plan for my success following surgery. I ordered a number of high protein things for when i am able to drink them..and first i thought i would try them ahead of time, but i keep reading how much everyone's tastes change, so i figure what the heck i will just wait.no sense in liking them now and not liking them later! grin......i am so excited..........and just so ready.......bring on the pain, bring on the healing........and bring on my new chance to be able to walk up stairs without becoming short of breath, being able to take scuba diving lessons so that i may finally dive in Bonaire, fit comfortably in an airplane seat, be able to go to the theater without wondering how miserable sitting in the seat will be, be able to teach my students about healthy lifestyles without feeling like a hypocrite, running with and after my little precious 3 year old, riding our bikes together, going to a spa for a massage and not feeling like i need to apologize, being able to run into the grocery store to buy a pair of pantyhose because mine ran, knowing i am helping myself live longer and healthier and happier, not worrying about the strength of a chair before i sit in it, not sweating so much, sleeping without apnea and the list goes on.................i am so excited.......
5/27/06 Well it has been a year and a half since surgery--and life is grand--i am sorry i havent kept up with this profile for all the changes etc. I have lost about 140# now....still have 40 to go.....but i feel great. I just came back from Costa Rica and did a zip line tour haning from a cable swinging through the tree top of a rain forest.......i never would have done that a year and a half ago.........I have so much energy now, and i dont hate having to walk into a room any more worrying about what people think of me. there are still old demons, but they are all controllable now. My Micropouch is the best friend i have ever had. It reminds me to take care of me when i forget or if i try to start down the path of old habits. It is as effective today as it was right after surgery and i am so thankful for that.
