luvinmyfour

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 hope everyone is doing well it has been a rollercoaster ride......just checking in to see how everyone is doing

Well it has been a while since I have been here and I feel it has made a big impact on my life that I didnt turn to the people that actually give a shit about other people..........I have gained alot of weight back went through a awful breakup going through a terrible custody battle he figures the things I hold closest to my heart he will try to take from me.....hmmm lets see the drs found 2 lumps in my breast so going through this right now and oh yeah had a pap done and oh yeah guess what ......i have to go in for biopsies next week the pap came back not normal for the 3rd time so yes i fear that word....well i am 42 years old have 4 beaqutiful kids.....emma who is now 3 Madison who just turned 6 Christopher who is 18 and Alyssa who is 20 and i am honestly about to give up....since my breakup i met and married someone really fast and I made a huge mistake and i cant take it any more    love to all of you

Hi everyone,
I guess this is a woe is me post it is July and my little Madison will be turning 4 on Saturday the 11th and I feel like I am doing it alone.  I am doing all the yard clean up, all of the B-day shopping working 50 + hours per week taking care of the kids when I am not working I missed some appointments to my support groups which I vowed I never would, I found myself falling off track, and I get nothing but bitching from Scott.  I am unable to get to the gym because my car is out of commission. So I am walking but it isnt enough, I am at a stall.   People told me that relationships change and people change but I dont think I have changed,  my relationship with Scott is falling apart but it isnt over this whole weightloss surgery. It is about money  & the 4 kids and past issues that keep getting brought up.  Is life ever fair, just when I was taking 2 steps forward to make myself healthier and happier my whole life falls apart around me.  I took 5 steps back and not feeling happy and I should be feeling on top of the world with 100 pounds gone forever, but I am not !!!  I am getting comments from him that all I am doing is thinking about myself and I dont see it.  I always do for everyone else before me if I was thinking of just myself I wouldnt be walking to the grocery store or skipping my support groups or walking to and from work when I have to.  I am tired all of the time and I am trying to get an appointment for labs to make sure everything is ok I fall asleep early and I get woken up because he wants to go get a coffee or get something so that cause a fight I am up at 3:45 in the morning to go to work yes I get tired at 9:00 at night and I think he says I am thinking of myself because I want to go to bed at 10:00 and my kids are not the best sleepers so sometimes 2 of them are awake and he will tell me I am not spending time with them!!! GRRRRRRRR I get so mad am I in the wrong please tell me if I am being selfish I am not a selfish person and I will never be one nplease dont judge me just tell me if you think I am in the wrong !!!

I figured I would write because it has been a while, I am at a stall and getting frustrated because I want to lose 2 more pounds to be able to say I lost 100 pounds everyone keeps telling me just say 100 and I cant, I need to see it for myself.  I feel great I am loving my RNY !!! and because of all of your support you have made my journey alot easier.  It has been one hell of a roller coaster ride for the past 7 months and I wouldn't change it for the world !!! I sit here and say to myself that I cant believe I have almost lost a whole person never mind the health issues are gone...other than a few vitamin deficiencies  but that was expected...well I hope all of you are well...and all of you take care

Here I sit on Valentines Day hoping all is good for everyone... I have finally got out of the plateau I was in and I am now back at work and feeling pretty good !!! I am thrilled to say I have lost about 70 pounds as of today and I couldnt be happier about it.  I have myself in a routine now and I am remembering to take my pills pretty much all of the time, that was a hard thing to get used to but now it gets easier every day.learning more things every day and cant wait to learn more I love my RNY !!!

well...the first of the year was nice and calm ...I guess that was the calm before the storm.  Well the health scare of Scott was enough to call it a storm and now it is quiet again...now maybe I can have a chance to enjoy the rollercoaster ride I am about to get on again, I feel my life is so stressful, that something has to give and let me be for a while...I  had my baby Emma's first birthday  on the 8th and it was a nice and quiet night with my family over for dinner and cake and icecream...(I had breyers sugar free icecream, vanilla) no cake I was good so I figured this can be a new start.I now can sit here and take a deep breath and think of myself  for once in my life (of course the babies and kids will always be first) but I am going to do for me and then I will think about family and then work, for a while work was my priority, but now I have come to the conclusion that if I am never going to be happy there I should do something for me so I can be happy somewhere else...did I make any sense??? well I guess it is a rambleing blog but I felt I needed to say it. good luck to all of you January surgeries and all upcoming ones and to all of my December  buddies (((((HUGS)))) to all of you you are the best I am off to bed now  so to all of you goodnight!!!

well I stopped by work tonight to see my fiance' realized they were working short because there was a death in one of the girls family so I figured I would stay a little bit to help him, well about an hour and half went by and he started not feeling well, so I brought him to the hospital and he was having a heart attack, the pressure in his chest and the tingleing down his left side, scared me quite a bit he wasnt going to go but I got my way and made him and low and behold he is now happy that I made him go., if you have read my story you will know that I lost my husband from a massive heart attack five and a half years ago....and I dont take well to pains in the chest or any kind of numbness...and I think he realizes now how upset I got when he wouldnt go at first so I dont think he will ever do this again....well I actually have the worst headache in the world so I am going to try to go to bed now so I can get up early and get his baby girls to go see him talk to you all soon

Hi everyone... I feel ok today no pain, no guilt, a little tired but that is expected.  BUT...there is a but here I am finding I am crying at a drop of a dime, I dont know if it is pms...sorry guys if TMI!!! feeling a little down but people are just irritating me to NO END!!! I feel like my whole family is turning against me..lol I know they are not but right now I am using it as an excuse.  My son wont help me with anything this week, my 18 year old GRRRR is just being 18, my 3 year old Maddie is a tazmanian devil in disguise...lol I clean one room she is in it as soon as I go to the next room and it looks worse than it did to begin with,  my significant other quit smoking so he is a grouch...lol but hooray for him 3 days now.  I am going through this thing that I am ripping apart my whole house and throwing and I mean throwing so many things out it is almost like a nesting thing...trying to make everything ok around me. I find myself harrassing my kids because they wont help me OMG I need to chill out....well I know I can count on all of you to get a grip on myself you all listen to me and dont judge me and guide me well sorry guys I needed to vent

It is discouraging when you hit these plateaus,  when you get on that scale and it doesnt even move an ounce...well, I prepared myself for this and I knew it was going to happen, but I didnt think it would be for 2 weeks.  
Well, it has been a long week with the snow and the holidays...been really tired had the winter cleaning plague, I threw out eight trashbags worth of JUNK!!! I think I am scaring my kids...going hay wire on the house and getting ready to go back to work! YUK!!!
My dr told me no heavy lifting well actually no lifting more than 5 pounds for 6-8 weeks, I have a job that requires lifting and  standing all day long, I was told and on my discharge papers it said to stay out of work for 6-8 weeks well, my disability will only pay me for 4 weeks and the first two dont count !!!  So I have been out of work for 4 weeks now and I am getting my check tomorrow for the 2 weeks. 
So now I feel like I am forced to go back to work because of woderful financial problems that I will face without the disability checks. If it wasnt winter it wouldnt be so hard but oil kills me...
well enough of the rambleing...I will post later

Twas The Night Before Surgery

'Twas the night before surgery,
when all through my gut
not a morsel was stirring,
not even a nut."

The suitcase was packed
by the back door with care,
in hopes that a new me
would soon return there.

I lay nestled,
snug in my bed
while visions of calories
danced in my head;

And me in my plus size
pajamas and wrap,
had just settled in
for a long restless nap.

When deep in my mind
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my dreams
to see what was the matter.

Away to my fridge
I flew like a flash,
ripped open the door
and drooled at the stash.

The moonlight reflecting
off the beautiful snacks
gave a luster of radiance
to all on the racks.

When, what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
but an array of the comfort foods
I hold so dear.

With a familiar feeling
of all those I'd pick,
I thought in a moment
I just might be sick.

More lovely than angels
their voices they came,
and they whistled and shouted
and called me by name;

"Now ****a, now french fries,
now chocolate galore
on cheescake, on ice cream,
on donuts and more!"

From the tip of my tongue,
to the bottom of my toe,
I will miss you all more
than ever you'll know.

As an addict that shakes
and stirs as he sits,
I'll mourn the loss
of my delectable hits.

So back to my bed
I went with great haste,
and settled back down
with nary a taste.

And then in an instant,
in pre-op I sat,
nervously waiting
to no longer be fat.

As I sat deep in thought
and adjusted my gown,
in came my surgeon
in one single bound.

He was dressed all in scrubs,
from his head to his feet
and he seemed very calm
as he eyed me like meat.

He looked at my chart,
with his scope gave a listen;
I don't think he noticed
my eyes start to glisten.

He was chubby and plump
he could lose some himself,
and I laughed when I saw him
in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye
and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke barely a word
as he prepped for his work,
he paused for a moment,
then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger
aside of his face,
and giving a nod,
out of the room he did race.

He checked in the next day,
to his students gave a whistle,
and away they all flew
like a down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim
as he walked out of sight,
"speedy thinness to you
and a healthier life!"

Author Unknown