I Do Love Myself, It's Time To Show My Love

Jul 24, 2010

I broke down yesterday, at Dr. Acosta's office.  I swear, I have cried more in the last few months then I have in a very long time.  I was talking the nurse, Debbie, after she took my BP.  I just started crying my eyes out.  I couldn't stop it.  All of the hate, sadness and disappointment I have in myself just rushed out.  I am crying now as I write this, because it's all so painful.  

I never wanted to be "that" girl again.  Never wanted to be obsessed with food again, never wanted to look down and hope that no one notices me again.  I never wanted to feel not good enough and feel shame again.  Yet, I did.  It doesn't matter that I have had so many things happen to me lately....I just need to really take responsibiity.  Some of the bad things happening to me are because I was irresponsible, made poor choices, and some of the things are happening because of other people's callous and hurtful actions.  Taking responsibility just means that I will no longer feed in to any of it.  

What I put in my mouth today, is under MY control.  How I feel about myself today is under MY control.  Geez, if you think about it, why on earth would I inflict pain on myself at a time when I need to love myself?   I do love myself.  I have been abusive to myself, I have lied to myself and I have punished myself......what a rotten relationship that is!!  I don't deserve that.  I will no longer allow ANYONE to abuse me, and that includes ME.  

Dr. Acosta was pretty understanding.  He is still being very cautiious, not wanting to give me too much saline.  He said he would give me more than he normally would at this point in the game.  I have no idea how much he ended up giving me.  I am curious, but I figured, it's just a number.  If he only game me .5 CC's then I might think, "There is no way I have restriction" and make poor choices based around that assumption.  He might have given me a full CC , not sure.  I am on liquids, so I don't know how the restriction has changed for me.  LIquids go down just fine, so I know that my fill is okay, just not sure if I will have a tighter restriction yet....one that will help with the hunger and volume of food.  

What I am realizing though is, hating myself is getting me nowhere.  I love myself, and no matter what kind of restriction I have, I have to live with myself and quit abusing me.  I will treat me as my good friends and boyfriend treat me....with love, compassion, respect and honor.  I am worth it.  I am loved.  

I weighed in at 203 on Acosta's scales.  I weighed 200 this morning.  I will be down in the 180's very soon.  I have some size 10 jeans to get back in to for this fall!!  ha ha

I am going on an overnight trip with my boyfriend tomorrow for his birthday.  I reserved us a room at The Lodge in Cloudcroft.  I am very excited about this.  Much needed time away to love and be loved, by me......and with the boyfriend of course!!  ha ha

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