Miss1978

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I am more excited than I am nervous but I won't deny it - I am nervous about the surgery!!!  My husband is REALLY scared...he is afraid that I won't come out of this alive!!!  Last night he said, "You might die next week...I am so afraid but I know how much you want this...but if you die, I will never forgive you!  But if you come out of this okay, I will tell you that it was the best thing you ever did for yourself."  Yeah I know how weird it sounds.  I keep telling him that everything will be okay!  I pray that there won't be any complications of any kind and I come out like a champ!  I am ready to givem y body this new chance and this time I will have more respect for my body...instead of filling it with crap food and not exercising like I should...I am going to get healthy and fit.  I want to feel and LOOK great!!!!

I told my boss yesterday by the way.  He didn't really have a reaction - I think my coworker told him too.  Oh well!  My co-worker told me yesterday that she is worried about me and she wishes I wouldn't have the surgery...

I took picutres of myself with a sports bra on and jeans...I am going to post them up as my "befores".  They are SO DISGUSTING.  I look even worse than I thought!!!! LOL

I told my mother-in-law about the surgery.  She was actually pretty supportive!!  PHEW.  Glad that is out of the way.  Now I have to tell my boss...

Yesterday I went for my preop testing and my nutrition class.  Here's what happened:

1) Paperwork

2) Bloodwork

3) Respiratory Testing

4) Urine Analysis

5) Gallbladder Ultrasound

6) Chest Xrays

7) Met with Nurse (questions).

8) Met with Physician.

9) Nutrition class.

10) Went home!

Everything went well!  I am in great health for my weight.  After the nutrician class, I went and bought a back of protein supplement to start me out.  My protein goal is 72 grams per day.  CRAZY!!!!  

I DON'T have to go on a pre-op diet.  Just clear liquids the day before surgery!  YAY!

I'm excited!!!!

 Two weeks from tomorrow I will be having my surgery!!!  I am so excited!  I ended up telling my co-worker...my boss was out sick and is now on vacation...I am going to tell him AFTER the surgery is done and I return...I still haven't told my mother-in-law and I don't plan on telling her either.  I may or may not after my surgery is done.  She is very judgemental and I don't want her getting into my husband's head trying to get him to convince me not to do it...I have made up my mind and I am having this done.  My PREOP appointment is on June 20th!  

I weighed myself the other day and I weighed in at a whopping 282.  I have been eating whatever I want (what's new).  I broke into some cookie dough the other day.  My husband told me not to eat it because of the raw egg but it's something that I NEVER plan on eating ever again.  I know it's grosse...but who hasn't eaten cookie dough or cake batter before???  It's a shame that I would even want to eat the stuff...it usually makes me sick from all of the sugar!!!  And yes, I am trying to think of what I can eat before I have this surgery to get it our of my system...I'm not really going crazy though...I have been going crazy for a long time...I have eaten plenty of what I want for a very long time which is how I got to be this big in the first place!  

I made this promise to myself that I would get myself into the best shape ever by the time I turn 30 years old...I can't remember if I have mentioned it or not...it's very important to me.  I am going to start FRESH...a new beginning for myself and I am going to take good care of myself for the rest of my life...I want to be around for a very long time...healthy...happy!!!!  I haven't been happy with myself in forever...

I am battling myself over here as to whether and WHEN I should tell my mother-in-law and some other family members about the surgery as well as my boss and another co-worker.  I don't know if I should wait until after I have the procedure done or what...I know my mother-in-law is going to be negative abotu it and possibly get my husbadn going as well...I just don't want anyone trying to discourage my decision....28 days to go!!!

I am getting really excited about having this surgery!!!    I am going to have to add some pictures of what I look like right now!!!!!  I will try to post soem tonight.  I am trying to add a countdown to this but it won't let me...all you can see are codes!!!

Am I wrong for not wanting to tell anyone else about this surgery?  I am torn between telling my employer but I made the mistake of telling a friend of mine who works for the school district that I work for and I am afraid there will be a leak...I also told a teacher that I work with but she is normally very trustworthy...I have told her things in the past that never got out.  People are so judgemental when it comes to this issue.  I had to remind my husband of the surgery date.  He works so much that he doesn't have a very good memory when it comes to dates.  He said, "This just isn't natural.  I don't know why you are doing this.  I don't think God is okay with this."  There he goes again.  My response, "And do you think God is okay with THIS (pointed to my huge stomach)?  Do you think THIS is natural?"  I had to go over it again...I am doing this for my health not only my happiness!  If I don't do this, I know I am going to have MANY problems in the future.  I didn't hear anything else from him and he didn't look upset...I know he is scared.  I AM SCARED.  I mean, I have thought about how I am going to feel AFTER this surgery...I won't be able to eat all of the comfort foods that I am used to eating...am I okay with that?  What would I rather have?  Ice cream, pies, pasta, fried foods, pop?  Would I rather be able to eat whatever I want, get fatter and possibly have a heart attack????  Get diabetes???  I'm tired of my back hurting me...and now I have all of these stomach problems!!!  And anxiety attacks...I have heard that once you lose weight, you have less anxiety too.  My surgery date is less than two months away...I just hope that everything goes smoothly.

Well, I had thought that maybe I shouldn't keep the surgery a secret...maybe I should tell people.  It took just one person to change my mind.  I told my husband's Aunt while I was at the bar on Friday night celebrating my 29th birthday.  I had a few too many drinks.  Happy drunk.  I told her and she FREAKED OUT!!!  She was telling me not to have it because it s too risky.  She told me to do it on my own...eat right...walk...and then she dropped the subject after she said something to Mike about it because he actually said that he supports my decision!!!!!  So now I wonder if I should tell my employer or not...by right I don't have to do I?  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not telling them what is going on but the reaction to this is insane.

I called the Bariatric Treatment Center and the JULY calendar was up.  I am scheduled for July 3, 2007 to have my bariatric surgery.  I am now TERRIFIED.  I also called my secondary insurance to make sure that I have coverage 100% and I do.  So that is GOOD.  Now I have to tell myself that everything is going to be OKAY...I am debating on whether I am going to take off 2 weeks or 3 weeks from work.  I will only have help for 1 week with my children...I have to call and talk to Dr. Kam about lifting...I don't think I am supposed to lift a certain amount until after two weeks...I AM SO SCARED...excited but scared!

Physically, I am so tired and worn out.  If I didn't have children, I would sleep my life away.  I know a part of it is depression...I am so tired of looking like this.  

I have been having stomach problems too.  I just went for a physical on Thursday...I wonder if I have an ulcer...I have no idea.  I don't take care of myself.  That is what I do know!