mary hepfner

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Hey all! Im 2 years 4 months and 12 days out from my RNY. my starting weight was 387lbs, surgery date weight was 344lbs on 01/02/2012, my lowest weight was 219lbs on 01/01/2013 and today im all the way back up at 268lbs!! :(  49lbs up and that makes me so sad. I have been eating everything in sight. There are days and even weeks where i have eaten bags and bags of chocolate or have been sneaking food, WAY over eating and too many other things to count! I havent been to the gym since August 3rd 2013. I feel like crap, i feel like im right back to where i have started. i saw a picture and a video of myself today that was horrifying. i need help and i need to stop making so many damn excuses and start putting myself first. i cant believe i let myself get back to this point. i feel like my tool isnt working anymore because i can just eat so much but i think its more of a "i dont even feel the pain anymore" thing more than anything. i also eat through my dumping which is horrific. i have become so incredibly lazy i hate it. i need help, motivation and support to get myself going back in the right direction. i know im still less than i was when i started but i dont feel good about where i am at right now. anyway this is the first step :)

WHAT THE CRAP >< i know what im doing wrong im do upset with myself. my eating has been horrendous! i have been eating everything in sight and then some. binging on everything its disgusting. this morning i woke up and weighed in at 237.4lbs. that is a whopping 6lb gain in 9 days. UNACCEPTABLE! i have to gain control over my eating or before i know it im going to be back where i started. beast mode is on. no excuses. kari and i are starting a weight loss challenge today. $50 in a pot for who ever loses the most by april 21st 2013. i got this. its on! REMEMBER HOW YOU FELT THIS MORNING! NO FOOD IS WORTH THIS FEELING!

holy crap i seriously cannot believe i actually made it this far :) this morning i woke up feeling fantastic! weighed in at 219.6lbs!!!! (not my goal but considering where i started i am extremely proud of myself) 

I started my journey way back on June 20th 2011 at 387lbs. i attended Dr Regan's bariatric seminar at Columbia St Marys hospital with my sister Elly. a week later i sucked it up and called and made an appointment for August 16th 2011 my weight that day was 366lbs. over the next 5 months i worked with the most incredible people at the bariatric center, finagled with insurance and struggled to start eating right and moving my body. then finally i got a call from sue- wonder woman as shes known by many, she had a date for me!!! January 2nd 2012, no better way to start a new year! on the morning of my surgery i weighed in at 344lbs, my life has not been the same since. 

167.4lbs lost from my highest weight, 146.4lbs down from my first appointment weight and 124.4lbs down from this day last year! that is HUGE!  

i will never let myself go back to that place. i wouldn't trade this new life for anything! 

 

this past year has been rough to say the least,

    i'm trying really hard to work through my problems, i started dating in august and lost sight of my goals, i fell into a stall, i started focusing on others more than myself, i stopped working out daily and started eating to much and the wrong things.i started binging again, and it got bad, then it got worse... it was fine for a while i didnt lose and i didnt gain, and 2 weeks ago, poof 7lb gain on my scale. i was devastated to say the least.

    i vowed to get myself back together again so i started the 5 days pouch test. day one and 2 were phenomenal!! i felt sooooo good i wanted to stay on the liquid for one more day before i added solids into my diet again. then day 3 i screwed up. i ran to sendik's to get some broth and a few other things i would need for the next few days and i forgot my protein shake at home. i was soo hungry and so i grabbed a jar of skippy reduced fat peanut butter that i kept in the car for emergency protein/pre workout thing. (peanut butter is a trigger food for me, i am addicted to it, and it is no good for me) i had 1 tsp, then a tablespoon then another and pretty soon i had finished off the jar( about 4.5 T) that was all it took, one little lick and i was done for. i went home and tried to fight the cravings but they were so horribly strong i ended up binging that was Christmas eve, in turn i ended up miserable and in pain. i went home and made brownie cake cupcakes. and ate a ton of the batter until i eventually had to purge. then the next day (christmas day) i made frosting for them. and i ate a good cup and then some of the cream cheese frosting alone. then the day after i ended up eating 11 cupcakes. omfg wtf is wrong with me.

i needed to hit the rewind button bad. . again

so on the 27th i decided i was going to give my pouch a *time out* 9 days, only liquids (protein shakes sf Jello , sf pudding and broths)

i made it 6 days then yesterday (day 6) i got sick, too much fiber and too many sf pudding cups i needed something solid so i ate 2 protein bars a bunch of laughing cow light cheese wedges and some beef tenderloin. not my best choice.

so today i start back with liquids, i feel good on protein shakes, its not about starving myself its about retraining my brain that food is not the most important thing. its about pinpointing my cravings and my triggers so i can work through them. 

that being said, today was a good day, i got a lot done and i feel really good about myself. im learning to love my body, slowly but surely. i try to take at least one pic a day and im planning on posting them to my board no matter how much i love or hate them. that is a big goal for myself this year, learn to love myself and respect my pouch. 

i am making monthly goals for myself, both scale and non scale. this year is going to be a good year

this year will be the first year that i will be happy, like truly happy, in all aspects of my life. i have come a LONG LONG way and i refuse to let myself go backwards.

 

i got this :)

50 weeks :) its crazy how fast this year has gone! when i started my journey 2 years ago i was 387lbs. in August 2011 at my first appointment with Dr Regan i weighed in at 366lbs and on the morning of my surgery January 2 2012, i weighed in at 344lbs, wearing a size 30-32 jeans and a 4x mens t shirt. 50 hard trying weeks later i am at 224.4lbs, in a size 12-14 jeans and a L-XL shirt and struggling but for the most part i am happy! 

     i have fallen back into some old habits, binge eating and snacking mainly. i have also stopped exercising regularly. I am working hard at getting back into it, but i am so deathly terrified that i will go back to the way i way a year ago. 

     i have restarted my eating plan, the key for me is keeping busy at all hours of the day. once i get bored that is where i start to screw up. anything after 3pm is especially hard for me. i don't know why, also when i am stressed, upset, angry, in pain, depressed, anxious anything like that really i feel the need to eat. even if im not hungry OR if im so full it hurts i still want more. i hate feeling like this but i know i need to gain control. its hard because i don't have insurance and i want so badly to go talk to a psychiatrist but i have been unable to find one that i can afford that has experience working with someone who has had bariatric surgery. but i can not let this be an excuse. i know i am better than this. i love my life now. i just need to refocus. and remember why i did this. i am worth it. i know i am. i believe i am. i know i can overcome this and continue on my journey. 

i had previously set a goal to be down to 199 by January 1st 2013. that is in 2 weeks and i am currently at 224. 25 lbs in 2 weeks is extremely dangerous and a goal that will only put more stress on me. instead i am going to shoot for 215lbs. 10 lbs is doable. i know i can and will achieve this :) i have faith that things will start looking up. i just have to remember that I AM WORTH IT :)

 32 weeks post op from RNY and i FEEL INCREDIBLE! i weighed myself this morning and i hit 239.4lbs!!! thats HUGE i dont even remember eveer being close to this weight before. in fact lol im pretty sure i went from like 100lbs to 350 and just skipped all the in between :p  doing the happy dance! which is way easier now with 148lbs gone  forever! :D think i may just head off to the gym now !!

  WHOA 29 weeks? for real holy crap. :/ time is Flying this year! i hit 250 yesterday morning :D WOOHOO! from my highest (387) that is 137lbs down :D i lost my sister! LOL :D wish i could see a bigger difference in me BUT I am way happy about this! i feel better i can move! i can run *sorta* lol i go to the gym at the buttcrack of dawn everymorning and sweat like a pig and its so addictive and i LOVE IT! unfortunatly i lost track of time yesterday and missed group :( but thats ok ill make it next month for sure. just wanted to check in :) i can eat too much now probably like a cup of food but i dont let myself do it. i measure 1/2-3/4 c and keep it there/ watermelon i am horrible with tho. i can eat a whole on in one sitting lol/ probably not a great thing but it seems to go straight threw me. oh well i just need to be more careful.my self control needs to get better because i find myself eating all sorts of crap like cookies and candy that i know im not supposed to have >< i just need a total reset. at least im able to get my butt up at 445am every day and go to the gym or at least do some sort of excersize like biking or walking! this morning i had to force myself out of bed and go for a bike ride but it was worth it! alright thats enough for now. it took me 2 days to write this becuase ive been busy but yesterday i was 250 and today im at 248 :D YAAAY but i got to stop weighting myself everyday alright pease out yall!

 im so frusterated. i feel like a cow. i feel like im gaining. ive been eating everything in sight. i wish i could go see a therapist becuase its all in my head im not actually hungry but im bored and or stressed and i eat and eat and eat and eat its what a freaking did before and im doing it again. i ate like 1300 calories today... im not even 5 months out yet i shouldnt be eating more than 800 >< wtf is wrong with me. ive fallen out of habit of goig to the gym. at this point i havent been there in over a week im depressed my body image is screwed up ugh im SO tired and ive been in a lot of pain in my stomach lately and ive been getting dizzy a lot lately as well. im not sure whats going on but something needs to change asap!
i need a total reset. i need to go to the gym tomorrow and then go at least every other day and my food. i need to fix that,. stop snacking make 3 meal times and plan them out so im not just picking. i need to go back to the basics. just wish i could fn see a therapist.

 my eating is horrid/... i need to fix this ASAP no excuses im not going back to being fat

 ugg i hate this feeling my head is so fucked up. i am watching the baby over by ellys again and i brought all my food with me and even a snack or 2 to make sure i stayed on track. i ate my breakfast the way i had it planned but then i went in the kitchen and saw the smoked pork butt they made this weekend, i decided to have some of that ( about 1/2c) w a tiny bit of bbq sauce. it was to much. but i shoved it in anyway that was about 1130am by 12 i had a cheese stick (that i brought with) then about 1 i was feeding the baby and he has these natural child berry squeezers... omg they are soo good. so i ate a pouch of that. and then about a quarter pouch of grape squeezers. then the 1 TBSP of PB that i brought with and now im munching on vitamin c's and its only 1:43pm. ... i wish i could go see a therapist. something is wrong with me i know i can control it but its this sabatoge that i do to myself EVERY time i start seeing results. i need to fix this i am only 4 1/2 months out and the last thing i need to be doing is fucking myself over. 

 I am an idiot. Mitchell is driving me nuts today he is just wailing. Constantly it's making me anxious. In turn like an idiot I used that as an excuse to eat crap. I started with some Russian milk chocolate w peanuts ate about 1/2 oz or so then I grabbed 6 shortbread girl scout cookies and one savannah smiles cookie and about a quarter cup low fatmilk and I ate it all and now I'm sooooooooooo sick. My hear is beating a million miles a min n my chest is burnin n I want to vomit... Wtf is wrong w me ugh