mollz007

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So today, I got my letter from my HR department saying that I am officially approved for FMLA for 2 weeks (or more if I need it) starting the 20th. Now all I need to do is tell my boss. That;s actually the thing I'm the most nervous about... not sure why. She cant be mad at me... well she shouldn't be anyway. I also don't know if I want to tell her what surgery I'm having. On one hand, I don't feel comfortable putting it out there just yet, because I work with a very small, close knit group of people and I can guarantee once I tell her, EVERYONE will know. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I was just going to tell her I'm having my gallbladder removed. But I don't want to lie to everyone. Plus, sooner or later people will notice I'm losing a ton of weight and will probably figure it out, so the question is do I want to tell people now or later. It also might be helpful to have people that know what is going on so that they can support me with my food requirements. Also, it has been a very lonely experience with only my husband and family knowing. I wish I had someone else to talk to, a freak pair or ears to share my joy (and anxiety) with. I'm glad this place exists, but it isn't quite the same as having someone to talk to in real life. It takes some of the joy out of the process. When I got the news that I had gotten my surgery date, I immediately wanted to text a friend to share my excitement, but then I remembered I can't because no one knows.

Anyway... there's all that going on. But I'm also feeling anxious about life after the surgery. I'm wondering how I'm going to get used to eating so few calories. I mean, 800 calories, on some days I eat that just for breakfast, lol. And also, I'm worried I'll be tired all the time and have no energy. Granted, I get really tired now after work, so it can't get much worse. I mean, I have the 2 weeks off, but what if I am still feeling tired all the time when I return to work? How will I know when I am physically able to go back? (My job involves quite a bit of walking) I am also a part time graduate student, so how will this surgery affect that? Maybe I just should have taken the semester off, but I am determined to finish ASAP. I mean,  the days I have to work and go to school are at least 12 hour days. I already get exhausted (understandably) after those days, how will it be after surgery when I can ony eat about half of what I eat now?

This one is kind of crazy, I admit. I don't fully understand it myself. I'm reading on here how fast the weight can come off, especially in the "honeymoon" period, which is great! According to BMI charts, I need to weigh 180 just to be considered overweight. I would be over the moon to achieve that. But also, a small part of me is scared of the thought of my body changing that quickly. I have been an overweight person my whole life, and obese for at least 4 years. When all that goes away, I feel like I will be losing part of myself. Also, I like my curves. I like being plus sized (in a way.) That's been who I am for so long that losing that will be.... weird. I'm still processing it.

What if this step is too drastic? Maybe if I tried a little harder and really focused, I could lose the weight 'on my own.' I have done many diets in the past as we all have, but I have always lost focus after the first couple of weeks and therefore never lost more than a few pounds. But maybe if I just tried again....

Finally, and this is the big one, what if I can't do it? What if I can't stick to the diet? What if I give in to my cravings and go back to my old way of eating? Then what? I would feel like the ultimate failure. If I gain all the weight back, then what? I would have spent all that money, all that time and effort for nothing. I would feel worthless. And if/when people at work and my other friends find out about the surgery and they see me fail, that will make me feel worse.

These are some of the things that have been making me anxious. Whenever I have these thoughts I keep trying to remind myself that things have gotten out of control with my weight due to several circumstances, and with this surgery I have the best chances of being healthy again. Even if I did manage to lose weight 'by myself' I have a high chance of gaining it back. The time to do something is NOW, while I am still young and have no co morbidities. I have to take this leap to save myself from this path I am on. I am so lucky to have this opportunity, and this is a gift that I need to give to myself, my husband, my family, and my future children.  

So if you have read all of this, or even some, thanks for bearing with me. Sorry my thoughts are so jumbled. Any words of advice are welcome and appreciated.

Ok so I finally heard from HR and they are going to help me file for FMLA... so my new surgery date is February 20! Long story short, you need to give them a months notice for FMLA. So anyways... I'm bummed that I have to postpone ir, but that will give me more time to prepare myself for my new diet. I'm looking forward to this huge change in my life. I know the first few weeks will be difficult, but I know it will be worth it in the long run. So, in the time I have until the surgery, I am going to...

1)Drink less soda (I'm kind of a diet coke addict) and more water

2)Limit snacks

3) Get used to eating protein first when I am hungry (stock up on things like greek yogurt, babybel cheese, beans, etc.)

4)Start using MFP again

5) Walk my dog at least a mile a day

So when I originally had my date, which was a Tuesday, I was panning on just taking the rest of the week off and returning to work the next Monday. Now I'm starting to see that this was kind of a bad plan, so now I am trying to contact the HR department at work to see how I apply for  long term leave. I am thinking that I will probably need to apply for family medical leave, and to do that the district that I work for requires 30 days notice, so that means I would have to push back the surgery to late Feb. HR is closed until Monday so I guess I'll find out what to do then. I'm just disappointed, I wanted t get this done ASAP, but I also want to make sure I follow the right procedures at work. So for now it's back to waiting... Oh well, I hope everyone had a happy holiday season!

So after a long wait I decided to give the bariatric center a call. I talked to my case manager, and I'm not sure what the hold up was, but she managed to get my EDG, surgery, and pre and post op visits scheduled. I can't believe it's all happening so soon! I'm feeling a little bit anxious about all the changes happening, but I'm mostly excited. I haven't told anyone about my surgery except for my husband and family and I'm not really sure that I want to. I just feel like my friends would judge me and wouldn't support my decision and would try to talk me out of it. Some people just don't understand bariatric surgery I guess. Anyway, I'm trying to decide what I am going to tell coworkers when I have to miss a week of work. I work in a small enviornment with mostly women that are very nosey! I'll have to think about that. I wish I had a friend besides my family that I could talk to and share my excitement with. When I got the news about my surgery, after I told my husband I wanted to call a friend and share my news, but then I remembered that I don't have anyone that I could talk to about this. None of my friends are obese, and I feel like they wouldn't understand. I feel like there is still such a stigma about weight loss surgery. It sucks, and it feels very lonely. I guess it's good that I came here.

Hi everyone! So Friday was my last day of work until Jan. 6th... woohoo! So nice to have time to relax! Today I slept until noon and it was awesome! So about two weeks ago I had my pre op consultations with the diatician and the psychologist at the bariatric center, both of which are required in order to schedule surgery. The psychologist said that he wanted me to get back into counseling before he would approve me for surgery, which I think is probably a good idea. I had a therapist that I saw for years that he suggested I go see again, but I decided I wanteed to start over with someone new, so I found a new therapist and made an appointment, so I left a message at the bariatric center today with the psychologist's assistant saying that I made the appointment, so now I am just waiting to hear back that I have been approved, and then hopefully we can get the ball rolling. They are usually good at getting back to you, so hopefully I will have good news by the end of the day. It would be a great way to end the year knowing that soon I will be making real progress to getting back to a healthy state! So now I'm just trying to wait patiently and find something to do with my day to make it go by faster... the waiting sucks!