Monkey_doodle

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I abandoned the idea of blogging since I seemed to be so busy with things.  Oct 2011 I was able to finally work an evening shift at my job.  It was yet another adjustment to make but I welcomed it with open arms.  I hope I never have to work a night shift ever again- it's just not my cup of tea.  Time to catch up on on everything!

It was not until recently that my appetite seemed to kick up and kick into gear.  I am just shy of my 2 yr surgiversary and it's crazy that I can actually EAT.  I had been struggling a great deal with balancing vitamins, fluids, and food.  I dread the blood draws as I know it will not be all that great.  Part of the problem is finding foods I can tolerate and get better at not drinking with meals.  I also believe I have had issues with acid in my tummy that had been contributing to some of the problems as well.  Many a food was partially consumed and many of those foods also ended up in the garbage for lack of consumption! 

Another big thing that I was not prepared for was the mental changes and how people would receive me.  The smaller I got the more visible I seemed to appear to people.  It has been frustrating to remind myself that our society can tend to be this way.  Hormonal fluctuations also contributed to this and I had to work hard to not pass judgment on others.  It has been amazing how much more receptive people have been- and completely saddening- once I lost a significant amount of weight.  I did find myself withdrawing at times in an effort to make sense of it all.  Thankfully I had some supports who also had WLS that worked with me so it was nice to connect with them most times of the week, 

Milestones seemed to grab at me out of nowhere.  I remember walking the flight of stairs to work and after losing close to 100lbs just realized "omg, my knees don't hurt and I can practically run up these stairs."  I never THOUGHT my knees were bad or that they were in any bad shape before surgery.  It was really interesting to experience moments like these and they continue to happen out of the blue.  It's a really nice feeling.  How in the world did I manage to live with all that weight?

I have paid it fwd a couple times and helped coach others in their process.  So far two people have discussed it with me and I have been a mentor at times.  4 people at work have had WLS surgery- 2 with the DS.  I was able to visit 3 of them shortly after each of their surgeries and it feels good to see a small community of us chit chat about the changes and what makes our tummies grumble and what protein shakes are preferred, etc. 

Dating was another issue.  It took me some time to put myself out there.  I was cautious because there was a part of me tempting to "test" any potential suitors- wondering if they would ever have dated me prior to surgery.  I used a dating site for most of my dating life.  I continued to use the one I had previous to surgery and around 5-6 months out I revamped my profile.  Interestingly enough, it didn't seem to garner any added interest from anyone.  I grew jaded about the whole thing and convinced myself that men were something of the spawn of satan. 

I started to grow comfortable with being single and realizing it was actually okay to enjoy my life solo- so long as I was surrounded by good friends and family, which I surely was at the time.  The idea of dating started becoming more and more distant and I started feeling happier with my decision for singledom.I even think some friends along the way became just as distant- perhaps dissatisfied with their own life- found a way to exclude their self from mine gradually.  Jealousy can be a really awful demon.

Just as I was giving up the dating site "after this one" i said to myself, "I'm walking away from online dating."  I was realizing that the man I was communicating with was simply an ill-fitted puzzle piece that I was trying to force a fit from.  It took me awhile to realize I was never going anywhere with this one.  I was about to close shop and one more message came through.  I had not given up the idea of being with someone- just at the time I didn't really need the stress of it and did what I felt was appropriate for me. 

Alan sent a message and asked me out to lunch. I was unsure but I agreed to meet with him.  He seemed a goof and enjoyed my emails so I figured, "Why not?"  He said something on our first (lunch) date that kept me curious.  I accepted his offer for another lunch and a dinner date.  Soon enough the only man I responded to in the dating world was Alan.  He really wanted me to meet is young daughter.  Passing that test would earn me great kudos.  I met her, we hit it off,  and things started sailing in the relationship with Alan. 

Before long, Alan and I decided to be exclusive and we learned we were expecting.  It was still early in the courtship but he wanted to marry me- this just pushed it up a bit earlier.  We wanted to wait for the official ultrasound to give us the sign things were healthy enough to share with family and close friends.  At 8.5 weeks we heard a heartbeat and learned that 185 bpm kept us at a low rate of miscarriage.  The bloodwork was submitted and all seemed to be well.  I was not able to eat much of anything- hiding an engagement and news of a baby for close to 3 weeks was tough but I managed okay! 

We shared news with the family and they were so happy for us.  I had a tough time committing to anything maternity- subconsciously I must have worried something could still happen.  Two weeks later my worst fears came true- we learned we had miscarried.  It has been about 4 weeks since that time and I stand strong and hopeful our family planning will be fine.  At times I break down- hormones have also been tough on me- and Alan has been amazing the whole time.  I love him so much it makes me cry at times.  Where did he come from?  I am so happy the universe brought us together. 

Although devastating to miscarry, the positive news is how I was able to get pregnant so quickly- having PCOS caused a past of troublesome fertility.  I now have hope and believe the good news is not far away.  It has been slow and steady to get back my appetite in the past month but it feels good to finally have some meals I can consume. 

So much has changed in the past two years.  I am still the same person I was before, only happier and ready for a new life to bring me more happiness with someone I love.

Someone on the facebook page i subscribe to posted an interesting topic and I just felt the need to post my response because I wanted to remember this...  The topic related to always thinking about losing "just 10 more pounds".

"I don't know that I ever stopped struggling with this one. I began an eating disorder in my late teens early 20's and nipped it in the butt before it got out of control. I hated my fat body so much I remember punching my stomach while crying and getting angry and not understanding why my body kept doing this to me. It took every shred of energy to work on changing my perspective and how I see the world. It meant reprogramming my mind- rejecting the fashion magazines, not reading about fad diets, staying away from scales, and keeping myself surrounded by people who didn't obsess over how they looked. I needed to love myself more. It's akin to being an alcoholic- at least for me, this feeling will always be with me. It is something I have to continually keep in check. I work on not restricting my diet too much, continue to limit weighing myself, celebrate my health achievements, and wear clothes that flatter me to make me feel good about how far I have come.

I have to be honest that it is sometimes difficult for me to read posts here about people achieving 4, 2, and size 0 and boasting about it because I already know this is an unrealistic size for me. I try to be sensitive about the size topic as I know some others are not yet wearing the size I have achieved and may be feeling the same way I do about the much smaller sizes. It only serves as that reminder of how we have been trained to celebrate being smaller. There is so much more to be grateful about- when I hit that level of saying I wish I could lose more I realize it's time for me to refocus. My artwork was also a way to help me celebrate just being a woman. I hope anyone who continues to struggle with size and losing the extra 10 lbs can see there is more to focus on- and beating ourselves up over this obviously only hurts us, not helps."

I have noticed alot of things have settled now.  My BM's are a little different and I feel like I can almost control them much better than before.  The routine has been I wake up and within a couple hours or shortly after eating/drinking they would wake up and want to GO!  Nice way to start a blog entry, huh?  Hahahaha!

So, I have been still trying to be diligent about taking my vitamins.  It's been rough.  I have taken to breaking the multi's in half for better absorption- the enteric coating bothers my tummy.  That seems to cut the discomfort somewhat.  It's not even that it hurts but more that it feels like a balloon stuck in my tummy. 

I think I have plateaued with my weight for a bit but I am not at all upset.  I have lost 75 lbs and I have been adding in more carbs to the diet.  It feels like my digestive process is responding to the added carbs for some reason.  I am sure I am in the honeymoon phase and need to get a grip on that before it becomes a bad habit.  This time of year is also bad because it's candy-mania for Halloween.  THis has ALWAYS been a horrible time for me with regard to candy.  It's not like I got to my heaviest weight because of candy and crap foods but it doesn't need to keep being a part of my life. 

I have to remember where I came from- and I have often heard people on the boards comment about how they just want to share their weight loss success with people who they think could benefit from it.  In some respects, I do as well but for those who look uncomfortably heavy (super morbidly obese) and let them know there is hope.  I sometimes think our added weight brings on so many extra problems that we literally drown within ourselves.  I know for a long time I thought things were hopeless and I would either have a surgery that would be temporary or I would just stay my weight and risk just gaining and gaining.  I was almost prepared to just settle with the idea that I would become this obese person with no hope whatsoever.  I have found some good people along the way in my weight loss journey with the DS that have given me the hope it will stay with me and I can put obesity behind me.  I just know there is still work ahead and I have faith I can do it this time.

Yehaw!

Last week weighed in at 196.8!  I will take that as 196, thank you very much.  I was not paying attention to the scales and I was not sure I would already be under 200 before my 4 month mark.  I did it!  I can eat and drink much more now too.  I noticed in the last two weeks that I have been able to eat and drink more.  I seem to be sticking more to mostly protein which I find amazing.  I still sneek in some carbs but was learning that some carbs that seem harmless (fried chicken) were being mean to my tummy.  It took me a few days to catch on that it was happening.  THree days of sitting on the toilet with what felt like my intestines squirting out my butt was all it took to clean up that mess.  Now I am just trying to make sure the vitamin regimen is not affecting my GI as well.  I have been falling off the charts with getting both rounds of vites in each day and even missed some for a few days with the recent heat wave.

I take about 20 pills a day and it sucks.  I just had my blood drawn so I am skeptical that anything will be in a good range.  I have been fatigued so much lately and my head feels so fogged a good deal of the time.  I used to be okay at multi-tasking but lately I am falling off the charts.  I will have to go with it being a vitamin deficiency.  I am assuming b12 but that was not low before.  The surgeon's office has not put me on b-complex but I bought some last night because I suspect I will be needing it soon.  I already need to take extra b1 and b6 from past labs so if I need b12- it would only make sense to get all those in one pill.  At least it cuts down my pills by two a day.

Aunt flow came for a visit again.  Last month she was off track but I think she was on time this month again.  I have had some cramping the first day and some mild cramps continued and still feel some.  Usually its a light flow for maybe three days.  SInce surgery its extended a couple days.  I can't say I will complain because I was so irregular before and this is a good sign for fertility and functioning as I should be.  I know many women would be irritated but I feel grateful in a way.  After 4 months of fertility treatments and not being able to conceive this is a welcome event each month. 

On another note, I have been open about WLS in general.  I don't just blurt it out but I have had my private moments of sharing with people.  I see it as a way to trust myself and be more honest with who I am to people.  As time goes on it will not be an issue where I have to share but I am getting comfortable with who I am and this process helps me with other areas of my life. 

Making some progress- able to eat a bit more and enjoying food again.  It is such a relief that it is finally happening.  I was getting worried that I did something awful to myself that was not reversible.  Eggs are back on the list but still feel a bit heavy on my tummy.  I imagine in a few weeks it will have subsided even more.  I am actually grateful that I was able to delay my ability to eat so much because it has helped me transition to the higher protein eating. 

On the tough side of things, I am still spending lots of money on food.  Some things are still going to waste.  I hope that this tapers off a bit soon.  I went ahead and bought ingredients for Brok's pizza.  (One of these days I will find the origin of this recipe...who is Brok??)  My first concoction included a variety of cheeses- mozarella, meunster, jack, and colby.  I added green pepper, mushrooms sauteed with shallots.  I added some ricotta cheese and found an asiago artichoke topping for bruscetta and added that.  For the first time it was not too bad.  I think I need to get some more seasoning to the "crust" which is essentially eggs, cheese, and seasoning with garlic powder.  It is a meal packed with protein!  I am amazed at how much I am adapting to eating protein so well.  I am more amazed that I can keep junk food in my house without the worry of scarfing it all down in one night!

I no longer crave sweets the way I used to.  I still want them but I can eat "normally" in moderation now.  I am also learning the woes of eating improperly for my new life and diet.  I am slowly becoming happier about the whole process.  My old clothes fit me again!  It's very possible I have passed the 50lb weight loss mark by now.  (I was about 48 down- only 10 lbs shy of 199!) 

Today I tried a protein drink of coffee and half and half mixed with a sample of vanilla and cinnamon that I bought from vitalady.  Wow is it yummy!  I think the initial protein powder I purchased awhile back is heavier and more whey tasting?  It tastes more like something natural with no flavoring - it says "natural vanilla."  So glad vitalady has her samples.  I had also purchased peppermint and coconut flavoring from her.  I have yet to figure out how I will use those.  I guess adding peppermint to a chocolate mix will work best.  Coconut- I am just crazy for anytime and goes with vanilla or chocolate. 

The vites contiue to be an issue but still- as I have reported in the past- get better and better each day.  I think I just might like my DS!  It's true love....

So I am about three months out from surgery- it's been mentally draining at times to keep up with all the maintenance of this WLS.  I am starting to lose hair now- right on time.  Loose hair is one of my pet peeves too---ugghhhh.  I'm getting better at taking the vitamins.  Trying my best to get fluids in- as stated in past posts, it is a big balancing act.  As I write this (4pm going on 5) I have barely consumed 500 calories for the day.  It's amazing how I don't feel the urge to eat so much anymore.

Above all the gripes- it stil continues to get better little by little each day.  I am able to consume more food now and eggs are starting back in my diet again.  It's been pricey with foods though- either I don't like them and they go to waste (thank goodness for the dogs) or it goes bad before I can finish it.  It's all a work in progress.  Still upset about the lactose thing- but I do sometimes eat a little ice cream- only its the gooder stuff hahah.  I read how some people report having better luck with the lactose thing when the ingredients are better quality with that item.  So I figured it would not hurt.  I will figure some things out- the non-lactose stuff is really not all that appealing- and what I thought would be good turned out to taste like something that melted and then refroze.  KNowing my luck it probably did...

Well, I think it's time to go back to being blonde again until my hair decides to thicken up...this will be fun!

In the past week or so I have been able to take in some more foods and some more liquids.  I recently ate some pasta totally expecting that the gassy bloat would follow and I really did not notice too much problem.  Something caused a bit of gas recently but I failed to note what the culprit was.

I am just happy to report that my food intake has seemed to pretty much double, if not triple, very recently. Of course, the initial amount was 2-3 bites of food- so I am probably right about eating a small meal- size of a children's serving. I can still go for a bit without eating (miraculously) but I am finding that my stomach hurts a bit when I have not given it a steady stream of food (every couple hours or so).  I am impressed with this now.  THe bad side to this is now I have to keep up with the demand of making foods or having things to eat on hand!

The stranger part of the increased ability to eat is that I recently decided to start back and eat sunflower seeds.  I had eaten them in the past but worried about the sodium and fat (pre-op of course) so I stayed away- not to mention the inability to eat much post-op. I started popping them in my mouth last week and went through about 2/3 a cup (the ones in the shell) and eating them almost daily.  Next thing I know within a day or so I am able to eat a little more food in general.  I am thinking it was a coincidence.  But the first time I tried the seeds a few weeks ago the taste was so off I wasn't able to really eat any.  Now it's just as I remembered them.  Yay!  I'm still going to watch my salt intake on those though.  Although right now, I am not eating foods with a terrible amount of sodium so as long as I get the fluids in I would guess it would be okay to keep eating them.  THey are so inexpensive and take awhile to get through too!

Last night's dinner consisted of refried beans and melted cheese in a small flour tortilla wrap.  Maybe tonight I will actually brown some ground beef for it!  Eggs were an issue post-op too.  I'm wondering if I can try them again.  It was more of an aversion to the taste- which sucks because it is an easy protein that you can make so many ways!!  Bacon was also kind of ehhhh.  I'm kind of dreaming of eating some chuck beef.  I used to like making some small strips up in a pan and make quick fajitas.  I think this calls for a trip to the grocery store!

Vitamins...what's that?

It sure is a rather sunny and delightful day for a rapture.  So much so that I thought I would make a batch of chili.  I hope it turns out okay. 

So, I believe I am able to stuff more food in my mouth- and I am getting in a tad bit more fluids.  Of course it is still touch and go.  At work yesterday I pushed as well as I could,  I have been relying much on the protein products- bars and pre-mixed shakes.  Until I can get my appetite and taste buds in a good place, I don't want to buy any protein powders.  I am glad some places (websites) offer samples. 

I can't recall if my last blog mentioned it or not but my surgeon's office finally sent me my lab work results.  They completed a fill-in-the-blank form to state that I am low on B6, Vit D, A, and E I think?  Well, that was a week after surgery.  I have not done well with vitamins since but I did order ones I can take.  I had ordered some chewables and I can't get past the taste.  I hope I can use them again someday.  So I ordered some B6, calcium with D, and multi's that I can just swallow.  For about $9 I got 800 multi's!  (Walgreens had BOGO sale.)  Yay!  That will probably get me through most of this year!

In other news, I think my weight is stalling.  I don't want to worry about it because I just lost 40-ish lbs!  I almost don't feel it because I am still wearing clothes from a year ago.  I did, however, wear my size 20 jeans and they kept drooping on me big time.  They are so comfy.  I have not really been shopping for clothes with the exception of one weekend when I bought a dress for a wedding.  Bought two t-shirts- one was yellow and I could not resist- I love wearing yellow!  I love vibrant color!  These clothes manufacturers don't make enough yellow clothes!  (Now that the royals were wearing yellow at the last biggest wedding I am sure we will see more!)

I really don't like many foods anymore.  It's really annoying.  I realized the other day that it seems I went from "living to eat" to "eating to live".  What a strange twist in my life.  I am also grumpy because I am sitting here with a bloated tummy.  Yuck.  I want to love my DS!!  But right now, I don't.  How am I supposed to push through and eat all this protein?  My fluids are not where they need to be.  I need to work on that. 

I started getting a headache half way through my work day- I sure hope I am not coming down with anything.  And someone please tell my tummy to stop growling and gurgling because I really don't want to feed it anymore!!

I finally got my dry vitamins this week.  So hopefully I can get started on taking those.  I swear the surgeon made my tummy the width of a drinking straw.  I can feel stuff in there.  Of course, this is a whole new world to me.  I think my old tummy must have been about the size of a football field. 

It has almost been two months since surgery.  Wow.  I stopped by the nurses station on the hospital floor where I recovered after surgery to get the names of some of the nurses who watched over me.  The admitting RN (I think his name was Ed?)  recognized me but had no idea I was a patient on the floor there so I reminded him.  He probably remembered me because I walked so much and spent 5 days on that floor.  I plan to give the nurses a little thank you.  I need to get on the ball and make the clay pins I planned to make and finally write the thank you notes to them.

I am down about 42 lbs now.  That means I must have stalled at some point because last time I weighed in was about 3 weeks ago and was down about 30 lbs.  I'm not crazy about the scale so I will just weigh in at doctor appt's and once in awhile in between. 

I ate a chicken wing...one itty bitty chicken wing and I feel stuffed.  Arrgh! It's sitting there like a rock.  Blahhhh....next up- fluids!

Ughhhhh strange how I used to loooove eating and now don't really want anything to do with food.  I am hoping that the food fairy will come along and give me back a taste to eat some more foods.  It would be great if eggs were on the menu.  This feels like torture.  I feel like I should be eating a meal and often try to eat something resembling what I have a taste for- and it's just not in the stars for me.  I really want some cole slaw right now. 

I seriously feel like a finicky four yr old turning my nose up at stuff.  I tried to eat a hot dog last night.  Thank the great earth for doggies!  I had to force myself to get through even 1/4.  My DS "angel" says keep on pushing through.  Today I jumped up and made myself a a double protein shake.  An EAS pre-made shake mixed with a scoop of protein powder.  17 g protein from the drink + 24 from the powder.  I'm about half done.  Of course I put it back in the fridge and then walked the dogs.  Let's hope my motivation to get through it is still there!! 

P.S.  I LOVE being lactose intolerant now.  Nothing like eating a (very small) spoon or two of ice cream only to have it haunt you later.  I could start my own marching band with all the tooting going on in my rear after that.

P.P.S.  I really need to get a move on with those vitamins and iron.