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Hello and welcome to my page. I'm 41 years old and have been rather ample for sometime. It all seem to pick up after my daughter was born.

I was born and raised in Southern California. I lived with my mother and her partner of 30 + years. I lived a sheltered life. I wasn't allowed to voice my opinion. I had been date raped, and touched by people inappropriately ranging from a baby-sitter, a family member,to coworkers. It was a tough road, I'm alive to tell it.

I have been on diets since jr high. I've done shots,starving,pills,Weight Watchers,Jenny Craig,Nutri System the list goes on. Looking back at my younger pictures I really wasn't obese in high school I was about 160-180 (Id love to fit in a size 16-18 jeans NOW). All through school I got teased about my weight, "you have a pretty face if ONLY you lost weight" and to please them I did, but of course there was another issue after having lost the weight. I didn't have a boyfriend in high school and I surely wasn't a popular girl.

In my 20's Id say I was an average of 175. I began working and I started getting looks from men/guys it was a nice feeling. I didn't have to loose for them, they liked me as is!! It wasn't till 1984 when I got my first boyfriend that lasted 5 years, he loved me no matter what. My whole family loved him. He and I spoke of marriage, we even went to the mall to pick out my ring. I told him I couldn't I know it hurt him a great deal! I was young and stupid I wanted to see the world. I also lost 40 pounds and felt other men were looking and I felt better so I moved on. . To this day Id love to tell him I'm sorry for what he went through.

I then got together with a guy who was my neighbor who happened to have been some years younger than me. My weight was about 190 I felt great I looked great. As time went by my new boyfriend didn't like the attention I was getting. He was a VERY jealous, controlling, abusive person. My father had passed in 1993 that was very hard to deal with having a person I was going with too. In 1998 I was 300 pounds I was not attractive anymore I felt like crap and he knew it. He won!! He broke up with me and I cant even begin to say how depressed I was. I couldn't eat I lost 40 pounds in a month. I couldn't sleep, I got fired from a good job, I thought about killing myself. It was living hell!!! After all that happened and I look back and see sayings like these: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" "Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely" and say I have grown as a person. By the way that guy did call me back to say he was sorry and he wanted me back, on one condition he said that I would loose weight. I thought about it and told him to kiss my fat behind!!!

I then met my ex husband, he was older 5 yrs who lived up here in Northern California that's why I'm up here, which I really cant stand being here. ( going off on mindless venting here) There IS a difference with people in southern calif to here. I lack friends, compassion, sharing, laughing. Id love to make NEW friends here, but thats a hard task. I dont know if I have to be a Kings fan, or to have been born here. I think its my looks or being overweight that I cant have friends. I was told to give Sacramento a chance, I have and did and its now 7 years later. It depresses me to no end. Heres something else that is like a slap in the face. I have tried to make a connection with people on here since I do like reading others stories and seeing the before and afters. Ive reached out and Ive gotten not one response. *Shrugs* Is it the people here? Is it cause Im way to sensitive? or maybe those people ARE busy with their new lifes!! (Im just a ray of sunshine arent I) The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter. I think I need to get back home where I actually have long standing friends.

Ok back to the story: I was 250 and 34 yrs old. We moved here in Oct 1999, he too was controlling etc. ( Lets see Laurel is there a pattern here? ) In Jan 2001 my life changed with a phone call from my sister,my mother passed. I was and at times still a mess and its 7 years later. May 5th of that same year I got married it was more like a shot gun wedding. I was told to marry him or go back home to LA, like I had my head screwed on right!! Nov I asked for a divorce and Dec I moved out on my own.

I stayed alone till March of 2003 I then met the father of my child. I was about 240 that changed VERY fast, he told me about something called Krispy Kreme Oh my gosh I thought Id died and went to heaven. Then there was eating late night meals among other things he and I did after putting on about 50 pounds I needed to go back to Jenny Craig it was to late I was pregnant in Oct and then got married in Dec (because I was pregnant). I then gained another 50 pounds. That made me 350. I now weigh 347 and I'm not happy and I hurt in all ways.

Things between he and I AREN'T the best and to tell you the truth they wont be. I'm dealing with a man who was NEVER ready and will never want to be a responsible father or a husband.

I know this will be a long journey and I'm willing to take it.