Meg Q.

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11/16/05...Just over a month has passed since surgery and I must say things have been going pretty well.  I am very glad I did this.  I have started to notice changes in myself not only on the outside but on the inside as well.  The person I had become at my highest weight was very depressed, unhappy and did not have many goals anymore.  Now I can slowly see myself coming back and it is great.  I just have a different outlook on life.  I said in my first entry on this page that I was ready to live and I have finally begun that journey.  It is not a chore for my husband to get me off of the couch to go somewhere and I do not go home from work and eat dinner and watch TV for the rest of the night anymore.  I am out and about doing whatever.  I have lost a total of 53 pounds now since my highest weight.  This morning actually I was looking in my closet for something to wear and I saw this jacket that I had not wore in about 2 1/2 years because it was too small and I thought what the heck, well it did not only fit but it was big which made my morning.  Life is good!

10/2/05...I cannot believe it is October already.  When I started this journey in June, I thought it would be a lifetime until the day and it is approaching soon.  Tomorrow I have a pre-op appointment and of course more blood draws!  I have never even had a surgery so this is all new to me.  I am reading profile after profile right now and going right to the part of the surgery day at this point.  I am thankful for all of the people that go into detail on what happened that day.  It has been a wierd day for me.  After I got over my freaking out about the surgery for about a week or two, I got to a point that I just knew deep down I was on the right path on going forward with the surgery and today I seem to be second guessing myself.  After hearing from others I guess this is normal but it still is confusing to me that I am having these emotions.  Ugghhh these days I just wish it was over and done with.   My surgeon has a favorite saying and that is "you need to be willing to put your life on the line" and I hate it when he says that.  But today that is all I can hear in my head.  I have been very open with family/work/friends about my surgery and why I have made the decision to take this step and with some I can almost feel the skepticism in their voice and/or body language.  I haven't quite figured it all out yet, are they truly concerned for me or do they look down on me because I have to have surgery to lose weight or are they jealous?  Whatever the reason I seem to have this drive now to not only do this for myself but also prove a point to some people who I have this sneaking suspicion about.  I am sure time will tell with these individuals but hopefully my decision can be accepted.  If not, well who are they to me then? 
For the first time in my life I am being completely selfish and doing something only for myself and it feels good.  I am down hopefully 25 + pounds tomorrow on weigh in and cannot believe the difference in my overall evergy level with that amount of loss.  I remember about 5 years ago weighing 225 and really feeling good about myself.  I am looking forward to getting back there.  But my true goal weight is going to be 177.  It is a wierd number I know.  When I was in junior high I had to have a physical to play sports and I remember weighing in at the doctor and hitting the scales at 177.  My mom of course was pretty concerned by that which made me feel like crap but I remember saying to myself if I can stay at this weight forever I will be just fine.  Obviously that did not happen but it would truly be special for me to hit that number again. 

 

10/3/05...Found this today, thought it was fitting.

I CHOOSE
to live by choice
not chance,
to make changes
not excuses,
to be motivated
not manipulated,
to be useful
not used,
to excel
not compete.
I choose self-esteem,
not self pity.
I choose to listen
to the inner voice,
not the
random opinion
of others.

 

10/20/05...Well here I am alive and well :)  I had surgery on October 11 and I will give a run down from what I remember.  I liked reading about other people's stories and thought I would share my own.  I arrive at the hospital at about 5:45 am, needed to check in at 6 and could not get myself to get out of the car.  Second guessing myself and all my research that had gotten me to that moment right there.  I finally asked myself the alternative and walked in those front doors.  I got to pre-op area and that was pretty intimidating for me.  Everyone was very nice though, I got the IV started and they gave me a couple of meds, one of which Valium.  That was exactly what I needed.  Next thing I know I am headed into surgery I remember never being more scared in my entire life.  They wheeled me into the operating room and I was expecting this huge room but it was actually quite small and there was a lot of people in there.  I had to move over to the operating table and they started the epidural.  I was pleasantly surprised that it did not hurt at all.  And do not remember anything after that point until being in recovery.  I was never more glad to hear my name being yelled at me.  Then before I knew it I was being wheeled to my room, a very nice room must I add :)  I was pretty much out of it that day but did get up a couple of times and walked around the room.  The next couple of days in the hospital went really well.  I had lots of support from friends and family members and seemed to have a constant flow of people in the room and nice flowers.  It all made me feel really special.  My sister actually works on the surgical unit floor and it was SO nice having her there.  She worked every night I was in the hospital so I knew she was a nurse's button away :)  Boy I loved that button. 
Coming home....yikes who let them disconnect that epidural!  I was in so much pain and could not keep down the pain medication at all, I kept on dry heaving it was awful.  I had a rough few days at home and once Sunday came I turned around and since then have been feeling better everyday.  I am so glad that rumor was true.  I have been able to get up and around easier and even do some light housework.  It feels nice to be able to see myself getting better and know that I will continue to get better from here.  Even with those rough days I knew in my mind it would pass so have not yet regreted my decision.  I am excited to begin this journey.

 

 

9/16/05...The time is drawing near.  I have to say I am quite proud of myself at this point, I have been exercising and dieting trying to get the 10% weight off before surgery and it is working!  I hit a rut at about my 10 pound loss and was only staying the same so on Tuesday this week I started a hospital supervised diet which is basically 500 calories a day (although I am probably getting 800-1000) if I am being honest :).  But I went to exercise last night and already lost 5 pounds.  The diet consists of food that I had to buy from them and is like 5 protein shakes a day and 1 entree.  It is not terrible but I can think of much better things to eat at this point but I am learning to take back the inner strength I have that I lost at some point.  Some days I just sit back and wonder WHY am I doing this!  I have been struggling with the thoughts of how did I get here?  Sometimes I feel like a failure because I have got to this point of having surgery to lose weight BUT on the other hand I know I am not alone and am just beginning to realize that I cannot be like everyone else and maintain a healthy weight.  I need help for that and am taking control of it.  I just know there is so many things to look forward to and I do not want to give up on that dream now.  Sure I could save myself from some pretty invasive surgery BUT where would I be??  Right back to where I was at 340 pounds and probably more and more until when....I die?  I owe this to MYSELF, my family, friends, and my future children and that is why this is going to happen.  I have been thinking of my mom SO much lately, I just know she would be so proud of me.  She was always on me about my weight and I used to get so mad at her but now I am starting to understand why she would do that, she loved me and did not want me to struggle with the unfortunate aspects a person goes through being overweight.  I just wish more than anything I was able to go through this process with her.   October 11, 2005 will be a very important new date in my life and one that will bring many good memories I hope. 

 

9/23/05....I feel as though I have been stuck in the sappiness (negative) emotions of WLS lately.  Today on the main board there was a post of "Can't Wait Moments for Pre-ops" I felt the need to post and try to start getting excited about why I am doing this and it helped I think.  I just need to focus on the root of my decision and not look back.  Here is what I said:

 I can't wait to take a photo and not stick out like a sore thumb because of my size....

I can't wait to fly to cancun and to Colorado next year and just be excited about getting there rather than have anxiety about the plane seats and if I can fit into them!...

I can't wait to wear the SMALLER clothes I have picked up recently from garage sales and such...

I can't wait to go to my grandma's house next summer and chill in my bathing suit while playing on the boat and skiing all day just like when I was younger....

Most of all I can't wait to see myself in a mirror about 1 year from now  :)

 

8/24/05...Oops it is time to update!  This past Monday I went to Dr. Tomita's office and scheduled a date!!  October 11, 2005 will be hopefully the start of many great things.  My weight loss is going, I am currently down 10 pounds so only 20 to go :)  I think I can do it!  I have began working out twice a week and I think that is making all of the difference.  Although I cannot see the change in 10 pounds I can feel it!  Brenda Peterman is such a great person, a couple of weeks ago I saw her at excercise and she said she wanted to be my angel for surgery.  I just thought that was so cool and felt special so thank you very much.  I feel so lucky to have the support system I do, I know no matter what my husband, sister and dad would do anything for me.  To my surprise my dad and mom's side of the family and Brian's family (the ones who I have told) have been pretty supportive.  If I am being honest though, their opinion would not matter to me as much as my dad, sister and husbands would, I will really need them the most.  Now that this is going to happen I feel as though for the first time in a long time I am starting to get back on track.  My attitude towards life is slowly changing for the better.  One of my biggest stresses is my husbands job (let me explain).  About 1.5 years ago we bought into a franchise in a tool truck, yes he is a tool man.  Although it may sound simple the responsibilities of having a business become so overwhelming at times (mostly the financial stuff for me).  In the last year or so I have had so much anxiety about this and it just has did a number on me.  I guess my point of bringing this up is just with the 10 pounds I have lost so far I have began feeling calmer about the business and have been able to think clearer about the big picture rather than worrying daily about paying this or that (don't get me wrong it is still there but I am dealing better).  He loves his job and is doing well with it and I am very proud of him but I cannot wait until the day the business is paid off!!  I realize I am side-tracked so until next time....

7/5/05...Well time to update.  I am not going to edit any of the above information but I do realize it is slightly scatter brained! :)  I have completed the consultation with Dr. Tomita and he did believe I was a good candidate.  I am now going to have a physical next week.  It is just one thing after another!  I have never used this much sick time from work since I started here at MSU 3 years ago.  I think my boss believes I am pregnant...boy is she in for a surprise.  I have to get some bloodwork done, get a letter from my PCP, and go to the physical next week.  From there I am sure there will be more hurdles to jump.  I am 99.9% sure this is the right thing for me to do.  There is a part of me that is waiting for a sign (from who knows where) to tell me this is what I need to do and everything would be fine.  I hear of people writing letters to their families, I cannot even fathom doing this.  I think I would crack!  The bright side is I can picture myself living a healthy life and it is so much more joyful!

7/13/05...Yesterday I had an appointment for a physical and talked to Dr. Tomita's intern, Dr. Mohman (sp.?) about the surgery, he settled a lot of my nerves.  My blood work came back pretty good...I had a slightly elevated cholesterol and elevated liver enzymes...what is that??  All this time I just thought I was overweight and now I can see that other things are creeping up.  It is time to do something!  I have to lose 30-35 pounds before surgery, for all of the right reasons and I myself want to be the healthiest possible person before surgery.  I need to finish my psych evaluation and then just need approval.  So here I go!

6/14/05...I have finally came to the realization that I need to buckle down and do something that truly in my heart I believe is the right thing.  I think WLS is just the right way to achieve goals I had set for myself a long time ago, I am 25 years old and am finally ready to live.  Like many others I have been overweight my entire life.  I have a wonderful supportive family that is on board with me going ahead with the surgery.  I have always been the larger sister, cousin, classmate, friend, co-worker.......blah blah blah and I am over it!  I am going to have to dig deep for courage to do the surgery but I know I can do it with my guardian angel (my mom) looking over me.  She passed away almost 6 years ago with cancer.  I look at myself and know every pound I gain is destructive and could possibly put me in the predicament of not being able to be with my children someday.  My husband and I have not had any children yet, we have been married 2 years and have not tried to have children but when I do I want to be HEALTHY!  I have been in denile for a long time that I was not big enough for surgery but guess what I have been lying to myself...guess what folks, I weigh 340 pounds and am big enough for surgery!  I just found out about this website last Friday and was on all weekend checking out the Michigan message board.  I found it so helpful and thought the support system is wonderful!

6/21/05...Tomorrow is the presentation with Memorial Healthcare.  I look at tomorrow as the beginning of a new journey in life.  I come from a large family, my mom had 5 siblings and so does my dad.  Who do I tell?? and when??  will some be pissed that I did not tell them about this if I didn't??  I think I am not going to tell to many people about this until I have a date.  I do not want any negative energy going into this.  My dad is a sweetheart, he is nervous about his baby wanting to do something so extreme.  I was so mad at the world for taking my mom away when she was so young and what if I do the same thing to my family...one of my many emotional roller coasters right now!  I guess I have some of my own negative energy but I want to be completely positive about this journey.  I have thought about the surgery for a long time now and since I have made the decision to do it, it has become so real (if that makes sense).  I am excited, nervous and scared of the unknown.  Thanks for listening :)  Until next time.