J. t

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i know at my highest i was well over 280 lbs. it's scary when you name it like that. i'm now 233 and have not "dieted" per se. i used isagenix for a while and that was useful. expensive, so i stopped it, yo-yo'd a little but not too badly, and then got back on track. 

for me, controlling my sugar intake is a really big deal. i am completely off carbonated beverages and alcohol, with march 2014 kind of being my last hurrah when i was in jamaica. i started to track EVERYTHING i've eaten on another site, with some entries being educated guesses, but most by actual weight or volume measurement. picky picky. it's a pain cause i don't have an iphone i can take with me and use an app, but it's doing its job and i've lost 10 lbs in the past month and a half or so. pretty respectable. it's a really good evaluation tool to figure out where you've gone wrong in the past. while the vast majority of the site says it's a simple matter of calories in/out, everyone here doing surgery knows it's not that straightforward. turns out, i was going way over on sugars and way under on protein! this has to change before surgery can be scheduled! 

just had my xmas dinner with my family and i allowed myself to indulge - with my "treat" being the maple pecan sweet potatoes, and my "dessert" was fresh fruit. had some turkey and wild rice too. yes, high on the carb scale, but it's just one day and i'm ok with that. tomorrow it'll be back to focusing on hitting my nutritionist's targets. 

well i'm happy to report that the ball is rolling - i have attended the information session and need to fill out some paperwork and send it in. then i'll be officially IN. i'll meet with a nutritionist in a few months, then a psych, then dietitian again. THEN they'll set me up with the surgeon and away we go, in about 9 months! i expect it'll be sometime in mid to late august, which hopefully will make for a good christmas where i can ask for gift cards for a new wardrobe ;)

i hope in 2015 i lose at least 50 lbs. i'm hoping to achieve a little in preop too!

remember i had that incessant hunger? a series of bad choices led me to the highest weight ever this summer. i don't remember if it was 282 or 287 but the message is clear. change NEEDS to happen.

i tried isagenix for a bit and it worked surprisingly well but my bank account wouldn't let me continue. i did manage to buy some IsaLeanPro, which is high protein and in recovery will probably be a great option. i'm saving it.

so then i got sick - not just my usual mental health issues but a week and a half worth of being unable to eat normal food. had a nice round of lithium toxicity. thank god for canned soup and potato chips. i hadn't stepped on the scale for a while but i'm sure i was 155 at least before all this. i got down to 139 but regained a few after - probably hydration! bought a new pair of jeans. original size: 26W (squeezed into a stretched 24W). current size: 20W. hooray for NSVs!

my orientation is set for october 22 2014 - just over a year and a half after the acceptance letter. i'm excited. my husband is not. he will not interfere with my body autonomy but he doesn't like surgery as an option. i love him for respecting me anyway.

we went out a lot this weekend. usually the kids stay at the grandparents place every couple weeks. its been a couple months and we really needed some 'date' time. so last night we went to sushi, which was wonderful. it's my favourite food in town. i overate though. was it because it had been so long and it tasted that good? is it because of habit - overeating is kind of my usual thing with sushi. i'll have to change that. i wonder if i'll be able to have sushi at all when all is said and done.

then we went for lunch today. we had a gift card to this new local restaurant, not fancy, but nice. i had roast beef, green beans, mashed potato.. it was really, really good. then i had dessert. oh, the desserts in this place, so many to choose from! cheesecake, bread pudding, sticky toffee pudding, apple crisp - pretty much all of my favourites. i had a hard time choosing, i wanted them all, and i'm salivating just thinking of it.

why?

i think i'm going to have to get the whys figured out if i'm going to beat this addiction. i mean it might be a number of things. it's possible that i can never again have the bread pudding i had today.. i feel oddly mourning. i think the most challenging thing about obesity isn't the food itself but what's attached to it. it's not like bread pudding is a friend i'm losing. it's just a tasty food. but then why mourn the loss?

i'm thinking of getting some cognitive-behavioural books. if anyone has recommendations, let me know.

we went to a hotel for some spring break fun. there is a pool. my kids LOVE the pool. and i have gained so much weight in the past couple years.. i packed my maternity bathing suit.

the good news? it fit! i was appropriately covered in the pool and could chase after my kids.

the bad news? i had to wear a maternity suit because my girth is the same as when i was 7 months pregnant 2 1/2 years ago.

i had a great time in the pool, honestly, but when i really think about it all i can think of is.. damn i can't wait for the surgery.

first the bad news.. as i suspected, i got my tests back and i'm prediabetic. i managed to score some test strips so i can learn how to stabilize my blood sugar as i go along.. it might take a long time but i'm determined to halt this path!

then a few hours later, i checked my mailbox.

my acceptance letter came in! woo hoo! from what i read bariatric surgery can halt/reverse type 2 diabetes. i'm excited, nervous, elated, terrified. i KNOW this is what's best for me. but it's hard to know where to begin!

the reason i want WLS? i'm never NOT hungry. i can eat enormous amounts of food and still feel hungry. i think if i got a smaller stomach, that's bound to help. i know i'll have to do all the work myself, i just want help with the hunger. it never ends.

i've tried everything. weight watchers was an incredible tool to evaluate what i'm eating, but with the hunger, i could never stick to it. i would stop journalling because i didn't want to face it.. then i'd pay for it on the scale. hellllp me. U weight loss was good for recipes i suppose, but compliance was an issue because you could only eat from a prescribed set of recipes. i think the recipes could still be helpful though - they're 40/30/30 moderate carb, or 40/30/30 high protein. i think the high protein phase is 1200 calories per day, which could be a good long term diet plan. but i'd still have to learn other recipes.. perhaps south beach, or zone, or the formula, or... who knows. one thing is for sure, it'll have to be higher protein if they remove a bunch of my stomach. i tried nutrisystem when i was 19 and not even overweight (though i thought i was fat) and it worked well, but so expensive.. and not practical now that i have a whole family to feed. and of course i've gone to the dietician and been handed a canada food guide, which wasn't helpful cause i had that info online already and i didn't know HOW to make it work.

how do you make vegetables when you've never liked vegetables?

they say there's a course called "craving change". i think it's mandatory. i think i'll take it asap, since the diabetes office mentioned it was local. maybe i could even take it more than once.. it always takes me a few times before things sink in LOL. 

i don't know whether to have the sleeve or the bypass. i'm leaning toward the sleeve because the malabsorption sounds like a mixed blessing. not absorbing all the calories is great.. not absorbing my meds, not so much.