Narkolepc
I was never a fat child. If anything, i was all arms and legs, w/ a bowed-out little belly. Then i hit puberty, or puberty hit me, i'm not really sure which occured first. I didn't immediately start gaining weight but i can actually remember how much i weighed when i got my first stretch mark. I was 130 lbs and i think i was a sophomore in high school (i'm only 5'1/2'', so 130 is the pushing the top side my correct weight range). In high school, i swam, i ran track, i was a outdoors instructor. I remember feeling overweight, even then, but my body fat % was good, even great at times, and being at a prep school, the other girls weren't really realistic examples of how i should look (early paris hilton wannabes). My mother noticed my weight gain and being perpetually on some sort of diet, she would encourage me to join her in one of her many fad diets: all-fruit, all vegetables, bahamian diets, slim-fast, you name it, she tried it. And i would lose 10-20lbs, but i never really got back where i felt comfortable in my skin. I remember when my thighs started rubbing together, just at the very top of the inner thigh, but i noticed. looking at my med records back then, i left high school weighing 168 lbs (wow, that's a BMI of 31.7--> i was already obese??????)
Then i went off to college and i had no idea what it was i should be eating. When i came home from college for the summer, I was at 178lbs (BMI of 33.6). My senior year in college, I hit the infamous 200lb mark and went screaming to weight watchers. I lost weight, but the building was next to a CIci's pizza w/ a pizza buffett. I slowly got into the habit of after weighing in, heading to cici's to have a buffett for one. By graduation, i weighed 195lbs (BMI 36.8). I actually had gained 30 lbs since high school. The ugly word 'OBESITY' was written into my medical records by my gynecologist. She didn't say a word, she just wrote it down. the one stretch mark had made a family, on my thighs, arms, and waist. I had one leg instead of 2. Exercising was difficult. I developed ankle and heal spurs, i was prescribed orthodics to try and take the stress of my poor bones joints.
I left for grad school after that , and while in school, was diagnosed with sleep apnea and had to have an MRI done on my knee. My doctors told me that if i just lost 30 lbs i'd probably see significant release from this condition. i lost 4 and was at 191lb (BMI 36.0). However, This loss didn't hold out, a year later, at the age of 24, I weighed 198lbs. During a family trip to Paris, my weight issues kept me from being able to fit into even ONE piece of clothing. My sister tried on outfit after cute outfit. Nothing fit me. During a long walking tour around the city, I was brought literally to tears simply b/c i had worn a skirt. My thighs rubbed together for hours until they were raw, covered in irritated bumps, and the skin threatened to tear open from the friction. My mother found a piece of paper to put between my legs to try and alleviate some of the pain. it worked, but we had to go back to the hotel.
I stayed in New Orleans on more year to do Americorps. I was 206 lbs when i arrived back in Ga. I immediately started the Atkins diet and lost 20lbs. Now at 194, I found a doctor that specialized in weight loss. A low carb, high protein diet, weigh-ins twice a week, and vitamin shots in my ass to alleviate depression and water weight. The cost grew to be too much but I continued to utilize his plan. I lost 11 lbs w/ him putting me at 183. In April, i went to hawaii to visit the boy I'd fallen in love w/ in New Orleans. He had never seen me weigh any less that 190lbs and he was shocked. i had sundresses, some modest tankini's and even one BIKINI. i still had a long way to go, but i felt fabulous. When i came home at the beginning of june, 5 weeks later, i had lost 6 more lbs. i was back at the weight i left high school at and on the low end of the BMI obesity scale.
That didn't last long though. I spent 2 years losing 30lbs and when i moved to baltimore 2 months later, i had gained 15lbs and was back in the 190s. Before December of that year i was back at 200lbs.
Last July, I started seriously discussing weight loss w/ my primary care physician. She brought up WLS and i said i wanted to make sure i'd exhausted every avenue. She reluctantly started me on phentermine and i did lose. She had me take it for one month, than be off it for one month. My job was to not gain weight when i was off it and i had to see her ever 3 months. I got back under 200, and i liked how the drug made me feel...energetic. but sometimes the fluttery feeling in my chest scared me. I smoked more cigarettes on it and if i didn't take it after 4pm, i still ended up eating horrible stuff for dinner (even if i did exercise). The weight loss stopped at 195 lbs. I lost 10% of my weight and just as the reports said, i didn't really lose anymore.
I'm scheduled to see my primary care doctor in the next few weeks. and i'm pretty resolved now that i what i want is lap band surgery. Writing this story and clearly seeing that my weigh has been unhealthy since i was high school makes me feel like i have exhausted all other methods. I'm miserable. I hate what this weight has done to me emotionally. I hate that i don't trust that people actually see the me behind all this fat. I want to be able to go on vacation and not worry if i brought spandex pants to wear under my skirts so my thighs don't get destroyed. I want to be able to CROSS MY LEGS. I want to be able trust a man when he says he loves my body. i want to recognize myself when i look in a mirror. i don't want people to search for nice ways to describe me and come up w/ big girl. i want to be able to bend over and tie my shoes w/ having to adjust my belly. i want to be able to not have to spread my legs wider than my waist so that my legs don't touch.
i want to i don't want to be 'jolly', i want to be HAPPY.
