Narkolepc

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I still weigh less then I did at this time of year, my senior year in high school...that's particularly sweet b/c this year is my 15 year high school reunion.  I exercise 3 days a week now, i eat great some days, horrible others, but ok most days.  I started eating disorder therapy last year and spent 9 months learning how to relax about what I weigh....i did gain during that time but eventually i got to see that my weight was maintainable and that i wasn't going to be 200+lbs again just b/c i didn't get on the scale every day.

I'm happy. 

Pros:
lost 2 lbs this week
started Chantix (smoking cessation med)
ate sensibly w/o feeling deprived
drank less beer

Cons:
none

Pros:

1. I'm out of the 190s.


2. I've increased my protein significantly


3. I feel good and i'm healthy

Cons:

1. I've had some trouble w/ 'remembering' i'm not working w/ the same 'goods' anymore.  although i'm eating the right stuff, i will take this 'normal-sized' bite, chew just a bit, and greatly suffer afterwards.  My brain is on total autopilot for at least one meal a day and I've paid harshly


2. Had my first bout w/ hypoglycemia yesterday.  i was only a little bit late for my 2nd meal of the day and all of a sudden I got light-headed, sweaty, and just weak.  i thought i was going to pass out.  After i got my yogurt in, 20 mins later i was ok. 
   


3. Had a real bad vomitting episode the night before the hypoglycemia spell.  I had a craving for jamaican food, so i got some oxtails, no rice, no peas, just the protein.  The meat is very tender so that shouldn't have been a problem either.  However, although i kept the portion small, i ate it too quick, didn't chew for long enough ie i ate it like i used to could.  I kept it down for MAYBE 30 mins, than up it came.  this was worse than usual b/c my stomach was not content until every little piece of meat was up.  I tried it again 2 hours later, same result.  while brushing my teeth afterwards, i started throwing up again....for the rest of the night, nothing, not even fluids would go in. 
   


4. i've gotten no real exercise in but i did increase my mobility during the days


5. i had my 1 mo checkup and i'm still not allowed to lift anything for a couple more weeks because i have some sore spots on my belly!

1 mo post-op pics after VSG

night before surgery- 217 lbs            1 mo post-op-  197lbs

Breakfast protein shakes always starts off too frothy and aren't drinkable until  'de-frothing'.
 
Then there's lunch.  I have only thrown up at work once (cheers)!  Below is a very tasty Trader Joe's Indian Fare Dal Makhani (which turned out to be really spicy lentils and kidney beans).  YUM!  That's 2 oz.


For dinner, I got ambitious and baby stepped into the world of solid food.  I got a Salsiccia pizza from my favorite pizza place. FYI--> i am by no means cheating here. And i walked to go get it.
 The crust is thin like a pita, toppings are cheese (protein), leeks, tomato sauce.  ITs a 6'' pizza.  you see what i could eat of it and that was actually a bit too much b/c i threw it up.  So, later I HALFED that piece and that was just perfect. 


Welcome to the gastric sleeve stomach.  It baffles my mind that I can subsist on such a small amt of food.  But w/ the vitamins and liquid protein i put in my fluids AND the protein shakes, i'm feeling totally normal w/ only a handful of energy drops a week.  AND....i've lost 23 lbs in 4 weeks.  Which really isn't  that huge when you look at  what i'm eating....  Kind of lets you know how  hard it is to lose a whole lot of weight w/o surgery!  if i'm averaging a 5lb/ week loss and i've been getting a maximum of 500 calories/day for 4 weeks, it puts a lot things in perspective for me and hopefully the people that shake their heads and think its all about pushing away from the table....

Friday Pro's and cons-x-posted in WLS  Pros:

1. I walked for 30 mins 4X this week and I'm going for a hike today!
2. I am transitioning to solid foods and its not going too rocky
3. Went to my dietician's transition class and it was great to be in a room of people w/ similar issues
4. i'm figuring out my 'banana's size limits more easily
5. i've only thrown up a handful of times
   
6. i went out to a brunch and had eggs and didn't embarass myself throwing up
7. I'm getting my fluids in, even if i have to stay up late to do it!
8. Not freaking out that my weight loss slowed to -1lb this week.  Going from the 190s to the 180s has always been a big red barrier line for my body, so i'm letting it figure it out.  I know the scale will move once my bod figures out this is just the beginning!
9. I was invited to be a friend's date for a real fancy company thing, so i get to go shopping for something pretty and feminine!
10. Got 60g of protein in 1 day this week
11. Working really hard to change my 'couch potato' mind into that of a thin person's mind by taking opportunities to move around more often (hence the walking and the hiking).  Studies show that thin people just move around more than overweight people do.  So if i'm going to transition to thin body-wise and in my head, i need to start acting like a thin person instead of letting my head lead me to the couch.

Cons:

1. Only lost one lb this week despite increasing my activity level
   
2. Although i've almost lost 20lbs, i'm still in my size 18s.  Seems like i need another 10lbs to start into the 16s or my petite 18s. 
   
3. Not getting enough protein regularly, but that is going to change
4. i pushed it a couple times this week w/ food i should have just left alone....i paid, but i don't want to get into that habit.
5. i'm out of protein powder and i don't know if i want to buy the same stuff i had before (which i liked for shakes but did'nt like how it clumped up in hot food causing me to just look at the food and want to gag) or something different.  I know it's going to be impossible to get 60g of protein in w/o the supplementation of liquid protein and shakes

lap VSG (3/24/08)
Highest/surgery/Current/goal
226/217/194/130

March 22nd 12:40am- I pick my Mommy and sister up from BWI.   Against my very specific wishes, My mother has brought WAY more than she should have which I'm lugging.  Both of her 2 bags literally weight 50lbs each (they were both overweight, so she actually had to remove some stuff and put in in her purse).  My sister also has 2 bags, but hers are at least carriable.  WE get back to my place, lug the luggage up, and go to bed around 2am.

March 23rd 8am- I have to go volunteer at the clinic.  I get back around 1pm and we head to my favorite Indian resteraunt for some delicious buffet time.  WE feast,  then head off to the Reginald F Lewis Museum of African American HIstory and Culture.  Both my sister and my mother love it.  WE then head to see 'meet the browns' after a small stop at a starbucks for a pick-me-up.  Afterwards, I order carryout from my favorite pizza place Iggies and we head back to my apartment to chill for the evening.  It was a fantastic day

March 24th- Easter Sunday.  I decide we are going to Kristen's church again and since it starts at 11:30am, no need to get up early. YAA!  The service was awesome.  Kristen meets my family.  I have some people from the church pray over me for tomorrow's surgery.  We go back to my apartment where my dear oldest friend in MD, Brel, has patiently been waiting for us to go out to Easter brunch.  We change, we go, its good and fun, despite the awful service.  We all then head to the American Visionary Museum to see the Faith exhibit my friend Katie has given me free tickets too!  Brel comes along.  Its very cool.   Afterwards, we return to my apt., Brel head home.   ITs almost time for my  'last supper'.  But first, the grocery store to stock up on the very boring ingredients i will subsist on after surgery.  THen Ethiopian....so so good.  The perfect last meal.  I take on last sip of water at midnight.  its all really really real.  i am scared.
Night before surgery pre-pics

Next day at the hospital, I have a crying fit until they let both my mom and my sister back w/ me. But after I got my way, I calmed down and began striking a pose w/ my surgical 'bonnet and my very fashionable compression stockings.

Then, as my sister said in the voice post, I was given the good drugs and I don't even remember being taking to the OR or being moved onto the operating table.

When I did wake up, I was completely out of it and MISERABLE. My mom had brought me a teddy bear and 'according to my sis', when I was shown it, my face changed into that of a child and my arms reached out for it. I then brought it to me and fell back asleep for a while. She said it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen.

I quickly tried to shake off the pain and enjoy my guests. i was surprised at how many people came by to see me. Apparently, people love
me!

No one tells you that you aren't allowed to even have ice chips after surgery. I thought i was dying of dehydration (despite obviously being hooked up to an IV)! On day 2, I was BEGGING to be taken to xray so they could check me for leaks and I could drink something. The pain from my spasming stomach was not good on day 2. The more the anastetia wore off, the more lucid I was, but the pain just kept going up up up.

Off to x-ray!
I actually thought I was going to go home that day....However, b/c my pain wasn't well managed, I had to stay hooked up to the IV so they could give me some better drugs.

I got to go home on Day 3 and was met by flowers, flowers, and more flowers! Apparently, people really love me!

SEVEN INCISIONS (did I mention having the drain removed was like being half-murdered)?

Mommy makes and freezes food for my mushie's stage....i love mommy!



Then mommy has to leave; Ursula and I take her to the airport.

Ursula and I have 3 more days together and then she has to leave too!  I get very upset!

Now, I'm alone, but ok. No more tears!  Just me and the banana stomach!  People have been taking very good care of me still!.....I'm very blessed to be surrounded by such a loving group of people. 

Good bless you all and thank you for loving and taking care of me!

So, i received what will most likely be what keeps me alive and well, outside of water, for the first 2 weeks after surgery.  
The surgical group makes everyone buy a 'kit' before your surgery. the kit varies depending on surgery, but for the sleeve, my kit consists of any whey protein (which is supposed to be mostly flavorless--anyone had this one before?), 180 chewable 'vitaband' multivitamis-lemon cream flavored and 180 chewable calcium citrate vitamins-wild cherry flavor.  we had some samplers given to us to help pick the chewables so i know (that at least pre-op) i'm into my flavs, however, i'm more suspicious of the protein powder.  I'm hoping it's really as flavorless as they promise....  I've decided to not try it until i absolutely have to day 3 post-op. I'm terrified on getting burnt out on ANYTHING b/c i tend to find reasons why i 'cant' do things when i've had too much of something.  So, no protein shakes until D-day.

The plan for the general plan for my next 9 days are such: 

1. Eat at some of my favorite restaurants....Dukem Ethiopian, Taco Fiesta, Indian?, Thai?, Sushi for sure-I've got sushi planned w/ brel on sunday...ethopian will go down w/ my family next weekend
2. Going out for my last taste of alcohol for a long while-probably tonight.  i don't anticipate it being raucous, but who knows?
3. Using my birthday gift certificate for a facial, massage, and manicure and i threw in some much needed face waxing-already scheduled for tomorrow afternoon
   
4. Friend time-
1. Church w/ Kristen
2. Lunch and a movie w/ Brel
3. Bikram's yoga w/ aubrey and yvonne
4. Drinks w/ Anne
5. Tentative dinner plans w/ Lori and Kim prob wed night
6. Movie with desiree sat after spa day
5. Bible Study-Monday
6. Teaching Tues and Thrs
7. Half a day of pre-op madness meeting w/ anesthesiologist, surgeon AND dietician on tues
8. Buying my new sofa bed/futon Friday morning
9. Picking mommy and sister from airport at 12:30am sat morning
10. Running sat clinic @ 9am, then entertaining said family
    
1. African American museum
2. Annapolis possibly
3. Dining out
4. Last min surgery shopping
5. The 'faith' exhibit at the visionary arts museum
6. Dinner theater-possibly
11. Easter sunday church followed by more family entertainment
12. food restriction after midnight
    
13. Surgery.

The question most asked of me these days is 'are you excited about your surgery?'

Typically, I stand there a bit dumbfounded, searching my mind for words for what it is i'm feeling and i answer 'yes and no, i really haven't had time to really think about it much'. 

That's a lie and it's not a lie.
It a mixed grabbag b/c i haven't really let myself think about it that much due to the intense fear and anxiety I feel when i do.  Is that what excitement feels like?  Maybe 50% of the feeling is that b/c i do get excited thinking about feeling better about myself.  I get excited feeling like i'll actually have a very compelling reason to go to the gym and take care of myself.  I get excited thinking about going to Hawaii with Brel in October just 4 months after my surgery and how different it will probably be w/o most of the self-conscious nonsense that surrounded my last two trips there (this is all very tentative, but i have been invited to vacate the mainland w/ said person for a couple weeks).  i get excited thinking about getting rid of this freaking CPAP machine that stares at me accusingly every night i risk my life and don't use it.  I get excited knowing the life I have been too afraid to live is about to begin....finally.  I get excited about maybe being ok enough w/ myself to actually want to date by the time my favorite season of fall rolls around. 

But the other 50% is just plain terrified, scared, anxious and pretending to be otherwise.  I didn't realize how 'stressed' my body was until i actually missed my period this month.  For some that may seem a strange indicator...but for me, a sexually-abstinent woman who has NEVER missed  a period (even when on continuous birth control designed for skipping periods), this is a clear indicator of how 'stressed' my body is feeling and the degree of which i'm internalizing things.  i sort of knew i was b/c i've been acting out via binging.  Ever since I got my surgery date on Feb 12, I've been dealing w/ my anxiety via food and overplanning. 

i'm making endless lists : What sort of sofa bed should i buy so that my sister doesn't have to sleep w/ my mom? should i get some supportive foam for my bed so that my mom will be more comfortable?  what should i take them to do on the days preceding the surgery?  should i buy some maps or put a friend 'on-call' in case i'm too out of it and my sister gets lost driving my car in baltimore?  and who should that person be?  who's reliable enough and good at a giving directions and getting around the city?  what is my sister going to eat as a vegetarian?  should i buy board games?  The questions and the list are truly endless....and some how comforting.  like how i imagine preparing for a child must be.... 

i'm preparing for the birth of me.

 i'm excited, scared, apprehensive, pensive, curious, dumbfounded, not-truly-believing-any-of-this-is-real and ______________(fill in w/ emotions unexplainable verbally).

So that's how i feel, if you must know.

i wish i had my best friend to talk to.  he was the only person on the earth i could talk to w/o feeling self-involved or selfish for needing to just talk out the stuff in my head.  i really miss him right now.  if i could ask for one thing, it would be for him to come back into my life before i go under the knife.

Monday March 24th I will get 'sleeved'.

My last weigh-in went off w/o a hitch.  My weight was down 6 more lbs.  so now I only need to lose 4 more to be back at the weight I was at when I started this journey 6 months ago as a smoker.    The abdominal ultrasound, EKG, barium swallow, psychological consult, chest x-ray, sleep study and note for PCP are all complete.  I've also completed the 2 pre-op nutrition class with the dietician. 

We are truly in the home stretch now.  Just final blood work done sometime in March followed by an action packed appointment filled day March 18 w/ the anesthesiologist, a final meeting w/ the surgeon and my last pre-op appt w/ the dietician.

It doesn't even seem real yet.   40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness and I hope i will endure my 40 days w/ as much grace b/c i'm sure I will be tempted and tormented in similar fashion.  It seems quite fitting to have my surgery the day after Easter Sunday b/c I too i will be resurrected by this surgery. 

So, the waiting is almost over.  My last weigh-in w/ surgeon is in early feb and that just seems SOOOO close and exciting.  I started all of this very fired up and then kind of burned myself out before i'd even seen the surgeon. Now, that i'm 4.5 months into the 6 months mandatory weight-loss, i'm getting revved up again.  Anyway, i met w/ the dietician for the first time mid-December and i meet w/ her for my first 'nutrition' class next week.  She will show us how we will be eating one year out from the surgery, and we are supposed to start eating that way after the class up to the surgery. 

i haven't lost any weight during this 'weight loss', but my surgeon says it doesn't matter.  in fact, i gained weight during the last month and the first month (mostly b/c i stopped smoking-4 months clean!).  Archives of Surgery has shown that patients who ;achieve a loss of 5% to 10% excess body weight prior to surgery have a higher probability of a shorter length of hospital stay and more rapid postoperative weight loss'.  So, i've decided to actually take the next 2 months seriously and start working on actually losing some weight like i'm supposed to.  i'd need to lose 11-22 lbs to have the benefits of weight loss.  I'm just going to take the dietician's plan and do it.  i've pretty much eaten and done whatever i wanted (which was absolutely nothing for the last 4 months), so now its time to start the real change now instead of after the surgery. 

wish me luck!