ND2BTHN
Well, here goes nothing. The tell all of how I became "Rollie Pollie". I am currently 37 and 5'3 tall at 230lbs. I have been obese now for almost 20 years. I was a normal weight kid. Very active, and loved to run. I would have little races with the other kids, and loved being the fastest kid in my school. Then came grade 8. That year, changed my life for ever. I was a typical kid, and was experimenting with cigarrettes with my friends. Well, that year, I don't know if it was related or not, but I had my first asthma attack, when I was running a relay race in our schools sports day. I fell to the ground gasping for air, and my life spiraled from there. My attacks became worse, and I could no longer run without a severe attack. As a result I became inactive, since everything set it off. I was a stupid kid, and still dabbled with cigarrettes on and off, up into highschool. That was when I had a huge attack, that put me in the hospital for a whole week. 30 masks later, and 10 IV bags, i shakily walked out of the hospital still with a slight wheeze. Scariest thing of my life.
Well, the pounds just slowly started creaping on from there. I first noticed my thighs rubbing together after I just finished chowing down on a hamburger in a mall across from my highschool, while walking back to school. I remember it vividly. Then throughout the last 2 years of highschool, I walked around sucking in my stomach all day, so no one would notice my belly hanging over my pants. Even through all of this, I was developing a binging habit. I don't know what brought it on, but I think it had something to do with, peer pressure and trying to fit in at school, and have a sense of belonging. Everyone had a click, and the group I thought was my click, turned out to not be. Well to make a long story short, I became a loner, and soothed myself with food.
Then came college. Yikes! Within 2 years of feeding my stress with food, I quickly gained over 50lbs. Ever since, it has been a slow, gradual gain, by about 10 to 20 lbs a year. I joined a gym, and lost 25 lbs, only to get frustrated in a really popular and busy gym, and couldn't get access to any machines, so I quit. Again, it creeped back on, and then some. I went to weight watchers, with my mother, this time. We lasted about 3 months, loosing about 20lbs, and then quit because of the cost and the embarrassment of weigh ins. Well, many failed diet attempts later, and here I am still fat.
I am an emotional eater. I eat when i'm happy, sad, stressed, or depressed and constantly mindlessly snacking. These are issues I will need to work on. It will never go away. I tend to self sabotage, and I need to come to grips with my emotional issues, in order for me to make a change. This I know. However, I never felt forced to be accountible to myself, and was easy to slip back into old bad habits. The worst is when I see that I have lost 10 lbs. My head starts rationalizing that I now have 10 lbs to spare, and I can have a reward. Well, we all know what happens from there. Years of yo-yoing has left me with many issues.
I am currently hypoglycemic, suffering from adrenal fatigue, have plantar fisciitis, sleep apnea and a hormone imbalance, that has left me annovulatory for the last 10 or so years. I was fortunate to have my daughter at 28, who is my biggest blessing, my miracle and the only thing I have managed to do right. She is my beckon. I tried desperately for years to give her a sibling, and spent many years in self pity of what I did to myself to deny her that right. She is now 8, and still asks why she can't have a sibling. I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart to have to explain to her why, mommy can't give her one. All the wishing fountains, and santa letters for a brother, all came back unanswered. Very tragic point in my life, and I did it to myself.
So now, here I am. Desperate, and deciding to finally take my life back, and live a good example for my daughter. I see her walking down my road, and it scares me. My family has a history of diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and a twisted relationship with food. I don't want that for her, so it is time, to make a change. Not just for me, but for her future too. I buy the food she eats. I am in control of what is her future, and she needs a good strong base to make her own decisions. If I don't live the example, how will she learn. Already at 8 she is 100 lbs, and walking around at school sucking in her stomach, for fear of the kids laughing at her. What have I done? This isn't right. So I have decided to make a leap of faith, and am in the process of scheduling an appointment for the verticle sleeve for January, 2012. I will make it right, I must. There is time, to erase the many mistakes, and pick myself up off the ground. I have lost to mother natures clock, but much more than myself is at stake here. My future is grim if I don't change and she will travel down that same road. So I am gonna hold my head up, and give it my all, and not look back. Yup, there will be bumps along the way, along with some counselling, but I feel good about this. My new life is yet to begin.
