Facing Denial Is A Monster!

Sep 15, 2011

Denial is such a powerful coping tool.  While it allows us to keep moving and functioning in spite of our issues, it also staunches growth and prevents the healing process from beginning.  I completed my 2nd session with the trainer yesterday and I wanted to literally cry.  The session wasn't hard at all, but I was just disappointed that I was struggling with "baby" exercises.  Although I have been exercising and can now walk up a flight of stairs w/o breathing like an animal, I'm still quite out of shape.  I wanted to subcumb to denial and put my hand over my ears as the trainer discussed the results of my assessment.  Everything was waaaay below average.  My core strength and balance levels are awful.  Then he made the mistake of opening my folder and I saw where, in RED and circled, he'd written "go slow, she becomes easily frustrated".  Instinctively I thought, "M F'er", but he was right.  I just didn't like knowing that he knew.  He doesn't realized that I saw it, but I literally wanted to cry! ....and I don't cry very easily.  While I know it will take time and a whole lotta "stick to it-ness", in that moment, I just felt pathetic, hopeless, sad, etc...

The GOOD Ness is that normally, I would feed my emotions, but last night, I didn't.  I finished my cardio then came home w/o stopping for comfort food.  Big accomplishment for me.  Especially since I have been going through at work, but I'll write about that later.

Things that I Learned....
1.  I enjoyed the one on one attention that I received from the trainer.  No, I'm not an attention whore.  I'm quite the opposite.  It just felt good investing in me and knowing that I was doing something for myself rather than always attending to the needs of others.

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