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06/28/2005
Have been pursuing the WLS option for almost 1 1/2 years. Had all my consults scheduled last summer and found I was pregnant. At first I was depressed about the baby holding back the surgery but now I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to have the baby before. She is 4 months now and so absolutely beautiful. I also have a 29 month old girl. Both of them are the lights of my life. Since having the baby cannot have group informational meeting or any of the process start until September. Group is on Sept 29th, nutritionist on Oct 3 and (Yikes!) Psych on NOV 30. NOVEMBER!! Psych office has put me on a waiting list in case there is a cancellation and should have that rescheduled to sometime in October.

While I am waiting, I have rejoined Weight Watchers. Now weigh 295 from 322. Loss of 27 lbs so far. Want to get as healthy as I can before surgery. If I work hard maybe could lose another 10-15 lbs before group. Thats the goal anyway. Would be wonderful if could lose more. I don't want to be SMO.

I can't remember a time I wasn't fat--even though my mother says that she remembers me as being a normal sized child. I think she looks at the time with rose colored glasses. Fortunately, I don't weigh much more than I did in high school...Which is a really sad thought. Knowing how big I was (and still am). I have tried almost everything--except the Jenny Craig/Nutrisystem things or the medication. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on weight loss. Equipment, gym memberships, TOPS, Weight Watchers....Weight watchers 6x now. And I have been successful. Lost over 90 lbs met my husband and got pregnant with my first daughter. And gained it all back . 





07/22/2005
This week had a woman I haven't seen since High School contact me. It was odd. Most of what I remember from high school is just being miserable--I don't think most people realized it though. I always maintained a manic wall of cheerfulness. Assumed a persona. Nobody was let too close to the real me. I had no clue who the real me was anyway. Don't get me wrong I am happy that she did. We were friends more in grade school than in later years but she is a good person. Anyway, she asked me if next summer I am considering coming to the 15 year class reunion. 15 years! I think I might. I didn't go to the 10 year because the only people I would have wanted to spend time with were people I became friends with later in life. Class reunions always seemed almost frantic to me. People striving to impress with some degree or job that means nothing about the quality of the person as a human being. But I am so over that.


07/31/2005

Body Part Dimension right Dimension left

Head 22.25
Neck 16
Upper Arm 15.75 17
Wrist 7 7.5
Chest 49
Bust 58.25
Waist 52.5
Hips 59
Upper thigh 33 35
Calf 20.25 21.5
ankle 10.25 10.75
Shoe Size 10 W
Clothing size 26/28
underwear 12
bra 52H

08/18/2005

I don't know what is going on--have gained a couple pounds and now have bounced back to 300. I really need to focus more. On the 17th my husband's aunt died--lung cancer. Dan smokes so I am freaking out. My oldest daughter is named for one of my best friends I ever had who died because of Lung Cancer a few days before my daughter was born. I hate cigarettes! So my husband and I have been fighting--I have been nasty with him and I know that it is mostly motivated by the fear and anger I feel with him smoking. It doesn't justify how I am acting but at least I understand. Oddly enough, I couldn't verbalize it with him when we were fighting yesterday. I guess thinking about it when I finally had some time just for me. The only time I get just for me is the drive after the girls are dropped off to daycare and I go to work and the reverse in the afternoon. Not complaining too much. I just would like some me time.

08/24/2005
I have been doing alot of thinking lately--more introspective than anything else. About how I am defined. As a mother and a wife and as a obese woman. I should say how I define myself. Obviously, all these impact how I feel about myself and how other people see me. Or don't see me. It is so easy to just fade into the background where ever I go. With the kids though it is alot harder to fade. But the kids are still a wall between me and everything else. When I was younger I was petrified of the world around me. I couldn't even check myself out at the grocery store. When I got into my 20s I realized that I was doing myself incredible harm and then forced myself to do it. I do this with so much. Even on this site. I lurk rather than interacting as I could. I just have to tell myself to start interacting more and then I will.

My grandmother (my father's Mother) was a very big woman. I think she was about my size when she got hurt and became bedridden--she ballooned to over 500 lbs. It might have been more. Anyway she was trapped in her house, her bed, her body for decades. She was a diabetic and finally she was blessed enough to have a stroke and to be taken to a rehab center. After decades of being a prisoner in her body, the rehab center helped her excercise and to eat the right things to lose weight and become ambulatory. She dropped hundreds of pounds and was able to walk around herself without assistance. That was incredible! She had a heart attack a few months after being released from rehab and she died. She told me during that time that she couldn't remember feeling happier than then. To have had her life given back to her like that was more than she ever dreamed. I still love my grandmother so much.

One of my greatest fears though is that I will end up like she did. I don't want to put myself in that position. Thankfully I have no health problems--nothing. No diabetes, no bad back or legs, no high blood pressure and I want to lose the weight so I never have any of those. I don't want to be a burden to the people who love me if there is anything I could have done to have prevented that.

I never considered that there might actually be someone who would read my profile--again it goes back to the whole being invisible thing. I was recently surprised that someone actually had and I want to thank that person (Skinny Minnie aka Cathy) and you for looking at these ramblings and perhaps forcing me to interact just a little more with the world around me.

08/26/2005
I see alot of profiles with a "wish" list for after surgery--so here is mine (of course it is always open for change)

My 50 Things I want to See/Do After Surgery

1. SEX—Wild Crazy contortionist sex
2. Rollerblade
3. Running
4. Play tennis
5. Fit into booths
6. Fit through turnstiles
7. Bike to work
8. Dance lessons
9. Lose 50lbs
10. Lose 100 lbs
11. Lose 150 lbs
12. Wear 20/22
13. Wear 16/18
14. Wear XL
15. Wear L
16. Wear 14
17. Wear 12
18. Wear smaller than 12 !!??
19. Stop hitting things w/ belly/butt
20. Stop getting front wet when doing dishes
21. Housework (more energy to clean!!)
22. Keep up with girls
23. Fit into amusement park rides
24. Stop feeling like a circus freak etc because of people’s stares
25. Buy clothes from a regular store
26. Walk NYC, San Francisco, Paris
27. Take a cruise
28. Get on a plane
29. White water raft
30. Kayak
31. Hike Appalachian trail
32. Get on a horse w/o worrying that I will injure the animal
33. Not worry that husband will kill himself lifting me up
34. When sitting in tub have the water actually flow behind me—dam butt!
35. Swimming in public
36. Not worrying about decreasing the life of a car/mattress/furniture because I wear them out too soon
37. Not having a chair break under me
38. No more pants ripping out
39. Cross my legs
40. Paint my toenails
41. Fit into picnic tables
42. Karate! He-yah!
43. Voice lessons (need to hold those notes) Might help if I could read music too hmmmm.
44. Plastics plastics plastics
45. Want to be able to wear clothes company gives to employees i.e. t shirts polos….and not feel like everybody is looking at me.
46. Buy a matching bra and panty set. (No granny panties!)
47. Go to my Next high school reunion smaller than when I graduated in 1991
48. Ride a motorcycle
49. Feet not hurting all day—even when I wake up.
50. Play in a playground with the girls like I couldn’t when I was a child.
51. Be able to zip up a side zip pant
52. Have a "normal" sized bath towel fit around me.
53. Have a function be enjoyed for family, friends etc and not so much about food

08/30/2005
I have a really extraordinary place to work. Very health conscious. There is a gym in our building that can be used by the employees any time before or after work or during breaks. There are groups for jogging, walking, or biking during lunches. They gave all the employees who wanted one a pedometer to join the "STep Up" program. They help pay for an at work lunch Weight Watchers program and at one time there was an aerobics class. The only thing I take advantage of is the Weight Watchers. The other groups I can't keep up with and right now I am pumping milk during breaks for the baby. I am wrestling with weaning her. She is 6 months but her older sister was BF'd for 2 years. I feel guilty about even thinking of stopping her sooner, but I think I would be more selfish if I didn't commit my all to the surgery. I doubt she will mind too much in comparison to the gift of having a normal sized mother coming to her functions.

08/31/2005
I realize that I have dismorphia--I don't feel that I am as big as I logically know I must be. When I first started pursuing WLS I became super aware of my size. I could feel the skin hanging on me, but now I feel like a normal person. I forget I'm MO. So when I pass a mirror or see a picture of me, I'm surprised and almost feel like that person is a stranger to me. Just some person who I see from the corner of my eye and when I turn to look more fully the person disappears. Is anyone really aware of how the world around them sees them? Will there come a time that the "normal" sized person I see will seem too small? Will there come a time that I won't be surprised at the person I see reflected back at me?

09/01/2005
As is obvious, I am definitely very introspective. I was reading another woman's profile and something she wrote made me look at my childhood more. I am one of 5 children. Next to youngest. My mother married a man when I was 4 years old and we moved from my hometown to another in Northern Pa. It was not a good move on my mom's part. The guy she married was a raging drunk and whenever he got drunk he became violent. He was mean all the time though. I remember him beating my brother with a cutting board and having the cutting board split in half over my brother's head. He would force all of us to smoke cigarettes to watch us choke and cough. Most of the time we avoided being at home. My little sister and I would leave the house early in the morning and not come home until we knew he was gone. When I went to school I was non-functional. I was absolutely petrified of everyone and cried the whole time I was there. The first year. The second year my sister began school too so I felt better. Even at 4 she took care of me--protected me. Today she does it too. Of course now it isn't as appreciated. It is nice to know she is always there for me and my family. Especially the girls. If anything were to happen to my husband and me, she is the one to take the girls.

But enough of that. The summer before 2nd grade my mother left that stepfather and moved in with my dad. NOw 25 years later she is still with him. It was the best thing that happened to Mom and to us kids too. Finally there was some stability. Before Mom met Dad she was a nervous wreck. I am sure that her life there must have been much worse than ours was.

I gained alot of weight--a frightening amount between 5th and 7th grades...some of it I will attribute to breaking my knee (playing basketball!) the summer of 6th grade. I just stayed in bed for weeks. I gained over 75 lbs in about a 1.5 years. My parents didn't know what to do. I found out that summer that my biological father had killed himself (7th grade) and it devastated me. By 8th grade I weighed over 240 and wore a 24.

09/07/2005
My oldest daughter has obstructive sleep apnea. Tomorrow she is having surgery to have her tonsils and addenoids taken out. Hopefully this helps. I have been having nightmares where she disappears and I am running looking for her. I wake up before I find her. I know that it is just my worry about her and the surgery. I feel just awful inside. The closer it gets to the surgery the more nervous I get. On the bright side my parents are coming from Pennsylvania to be with us for the next couple days. I am looking forward to having them here. I know that everything will be alright but I know I will need them if something happens.

When she was born (the oldest) she was very jaundiced we had an ABO blood type incompatability and had to be readmitted into the hospital into the trauma unit to be put under the bili-lights. She is absolutely fine now. The hospital she was in I love and I am happy to be having it for my surgery. This is a mitigating factor in deciding on the doctor I have chosen. Unfortunately, she isn't in this hospital for the tonsilectomy, but I am told the hospital she is going to is the best for pediatrics in the region.

09/11/2005
My oldest daughter was released on Friday in the morning. We were out of the hospital by 9 am. Which was a wonderful thing! I have to admit that it was very sobering seeing the sick children in the wards with my daughter. I have been very blessed with 2 healthy children and I hope I can always say that. My daughter was almost totally back to normal by Saturday Morning. I am still going to watch her and give thanks to God.

While in the hospital with her I was given a jumpsuit to wear to escort her into the operating room. The suit was a 2x so I said before even trying it on that I didn't think that it would fit. I was told that there wasn't any larger suits for me to have on...so I pulled it up as best I could. I could pull it on but couldn't get the zipper any where near to being pulled up. The anethesiologist even tried to have me suck in my stomach so he could zip it for me. No luck. It was embarrassing but not devastating.

I have been observing my husband and I have noticed that as I am pursuing my surgery he is becoming more and more dissatisfied with his appearance. He thinks he is big and disgusting. I don't see him that way. I know that his BMI isn't in the MO range and I think he would only need a couple lifestyle changes to affect a change he would feel good about. Of course he has more health issues than I seem to have. He gets more tired out and is in alot more physical pain. He attributes it to his weight. Maybe it is. I don't understand how people (lightweights) who have a BMI on the low side of MO can have all these problems. If I weighed 220 instead of around 300 I would be so happy. I know that I would have so much more energy and weighing any less than that is inconceivable to me. I have never in my adult years and my much of my teen years weighed less than 200. If I ever get to less than 200 I would weigh what I did in seventh grade.

09-22-2005
Just 1 week, just 7 days until I finally have the group meeting. Now it is becoming real and I am getting a little nervous. And it is just the group meeting. This past tuesday (the 20th) I went to the Western NY WLS support meeting at Park Ridge. They meet there every first tuesday and third Wednesday of the month in the cafeteria. It was wonderful seeing all these people in their various stages of the surgery. And very educational. Alot of Body image issues. I am sure that I WILL be having those. I have them now. Dismorphia seems a very common issue for everyone.

I have started walking at breaks and lunch each day at work. I have to admit when I start doing it all I can think of is "oh this hurts!" and then "this hurts too!" But after a bit I forget about the pain. It's still there. As soon as I stop I feel it. A little bit of tenderness. A few years ago I lost alot of weight 90+ lbs. I felt wonderful but I only did it because I was excercising. A couple times a day for about an hour minimum a day. Before I started excercising because I hurt my back and I was so scared that I was going to be like my grandmother. I got pregnant and gained.

So anyway I am going to make a commitment to myself. Logged on here for everyone to see.

1. I commit to excercising at least 1/2 hour 5 times a week. Preferrably more.

2. I commit to drinking at least 8 8 oz of water daily.

3. I commit to limiting my sugars and other simple carbs. Also fatty foods.

4. I commit to limiting my caffeine.

Get this. While typing this up Connie from Highland called me to give me directions to the Nutritionist office. She told me that they are now on the 4th floor. That amazes me. Talk about making it real! Also called to try to see if I could get in sooner with the psych consult. Tammy from the psych office told me that I am definitely on the waiting list but that there are people who had their group meetings in May who haven't yet had their consults on the list. I told that I guess I should be happy with my November date but that I would be calling her back just to follow up. Also asked her about other doctors who could do this for me and she told me that it would cost 275 for it with them since they don't accept most insurance. If I find I need to self pay here it is about 170. My insurance has some coverage so I will be paying half that. (I think).


09-23-2005
On a positve note--I have lost 6 pounds in the past couple weeks to be at 294. YEAH ME! I am walking about 45 minutes a day and each walk am pushing myself to go a little further. I could lose quite a bit of weight prior to the surgery. Who knows what quite a bit will equal...looking forward to getting the journey started

09-25-2005
Yesterday we came down to Pa. My brother in law and niece came home. My brother-in-law is in the army stationed in Iraq and his daughter is now in the Navy. She just finished basic in Chicago and is going to be stationed in San Diego. I haven't seen either one of them in so long. My Niece has grown up! Of course there was a lot of food there and I overate. But in a positive note one of my older sisters and I went for a walk later. I don't know how long we walked 30 minutes or so. And after I came back I didn't eat anything else. Last night though I felt so miserable! Heartburn and the most extreme gas pains. This morning I had cereal and milk and still have strong heartburn and stomach cramping. Today is a day I need to take things easy.

10-10-005
Well have had my group meeting and the first meeting with the Nutritionist. Everything went pretty well. Dr. O used simple layman's terms to describe the procedure and I have a much better understanding of the surgery itself. You can read and read about the procedure but not have clear picture of it. The meeting with the nutritionist went fine too. The bariatric department @highland now has their own "wing" and their first day in it was the day that I had my nutritionist appointment. It is beautiful with size appropriate seating. The seats were bench seats--Maybe they weren't deep enough though because I felt like I was sliding off them. Maybe that is the newness. And horrors of horrors when I had my weight and height charted I am now 2 inches shorter than I was in high school. Here is to hoping I get taller after surgery. :D
The nutritionist wants to meet with me 2 more times for "30" day follow-ups. To check on compliance with making better food choices and I think the next is to adapt to not drinking when eating etc. Life after surgery. The soonest I could get was December 12th and then Jan 12th. So I will have my psych consult again prior to my next meeting with the nutritionist. Looks like I could be waiting longer I than I had hoped but I knew that I would have to wait and after all I have been MO as long as I can remember what is a couple of months more?

10-12-2005
Went to MONARCH (Morbidly Obese Never Again Resource Center @ Highland) last night. It was very interesting. There was a excercise Physiologist as guest speaker. She showed us different excercises to work different target areas on the body. Primarily the arms and back. She stated that she preferred her clients to use the legs for cardio.


04-07-06 Just looked at my profile and have lost months of information. Yeah! And of course I didn't back it up. Bad Ginny! LOL. Long story short. Went to dietician 3x got released Jan 12th. Had Psych consult Nov 30. Not very involved at all. Just a long time of listening to her saying how it is all about self control, but she approved me so all is good.

Waited what seemed like a long time to hear from Dr. O. Kept calling every 2 weeks after nutritionist appointment. Finally got appointment to see Dr. O March 10th. Given my surgery date...could have had it on April 5th, but needed to have it later for work. And that is it.

04-13-2006 On the 10th went into my pre-op testing. Everything went quickly and painlessly. Very easy! And it makes everything so much more real. 11 days until surgery! Yesterday went to Weight Watchers have lost 18.5 lbs since I rejoined. My leader asked me if I wanted to reconsider the surgery since I am doing so well losing. I told her I definitely need to have it. Yeah! I am excited thinking that I have a few pounds less to lose after the surgery... I read all the time about the last supper syndrome but now I don't seem to really be in it. Even if I have something "special" it is a limited portion of it. I honestly want to eat healthier and practice the habits before the surgery. Enough for now.

05-05-06 Happy Cinco De Mayo!!! I am after surgery and have lost about 12 lbs. In less than 2 weeks. But I am stressing thinkinhg that I am going to be a slow loser. Right now there is no reason to think it. I am walking 2+ miles a day so I am getting in some activity. Having a constipation problem. Maybe I'm not getting enough fluids...Am going to have to up them as much as possible. Elsewise only getting about 400 calories in a day. I am keeping a record on Fitday.com of food and excercise. It is nice to see any progress in black and white. Dealing a little bit with head hunger. My mother came up to help with the girls and I am fine until she starts cooking then I want what she is cooking. She is making some of my favorite meals. Most days I go take a shower or a walk while everybody is eating. I know that soon though I won't have that luxury. On the 9th I see the doctor and my mother will be going back to Pennsylvania. The girls are going to be devastated not having their grandma around. I see where they are blossoming under the additional attention. With being out I am able to give them more too. I will try so hard to keep that up after I go back to work. I really want to be the best mother I possibly can to them. My oldest girl is getting overweight. My mother definitely isn't good for a person's waist line. Lots of snacks and good home cooking. The amounts the girls eat amazes me. I am going to have to ensure they have alot of activity in their day to day schedules. Enough for now... God bless!


05-25-06




Everything is going really well. I was in a weight loss standstill for a few weeks which was really depressing and when I weighed today I had lost 4 lbs from a couple days ago. Made me feel better. I have to make sure I don't become a slave to the scale. I am having a problem getting some food in. Some days are better than others...Have had experience with the foamies and that is definitely something I don't want to get very often so I am being very careful and compliant with the stages my doctor has put me in. I need to get more active now that I am at work again. When I was off I would do my excercising while the kids were at daycare and my husband at work. Or before the surgery I would excercise on my breaks at work. With the new eating schedule I'm not to that point yet. Maybe I just need to take portable food with me and still do my walking. Last night since the weather co-operated We took the girls for a walk. I pulled them in a wagon--they loved it and I did too. I have so much more energy and stamina already. I can't wait to see how that changes as I go forward on the journey.


09-18-2006
For some reason I can't see my pictures on my profile so I thought I would paste them here.
at 311 lbs (approx)


at 213 lbs


01-23-07
Am now around 183--the weight goes up and down and really feels as if I am in slow motion with the weight loss. It depresses me, but I have never been normal sized before. People treat you better. Am in a size 12-18 depending on cuts...medium to x-large. I love shopping just don't have the money for it. And really need to go through my clothes.



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