opheliafl

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I gotta tell you, I was so intimidated by the thought of getting a personal trainer, but I am sooo glad I did it.  Yeah, I'm the biggest person in the gym (well not really, but up there in the ranks still), but it's not like people are even paying attention to you.  It makes you feel so good.  God, I can't believe this is me saying that.  Even when you have one of those crappy weeks or days, when you drag yourself there and do it anyways, you just feel proud of yourself and...*sniffle*... I'm go glad I'm doing it FOR ME.  There isn't a man in my life right now, there's no family giving me pressure to do it... I am CHOOSING to do it.  Ha, I probably shouldn't compose posts when on the rush right after the gym (I swear you work up hormones, I get so emotional afterwards, weird!) but I just want to encourage everyone to do it.  I know it's pricey but heck if I'm going to put something on my charge card, I'll be darned if this will make me feel guilty.  Don't be afraid they'll work you too hard, because at least at my place (LAFitness, this is not a commercial lol) they know what they're doing!  They WILL be able to assess where you are and what is too much for you and what is enough to push you safely.  I'm still a size 28 girlfriends, and they haven't killed me yet.  OK, LOL, I'm getting off the soapbox but I just wanted to share how wrong I was to be afraid and that I would hate it.   Only 3 lbs loss the last two weeks, but when I check again on Tuesday, even if it's not alot (and I have been better eating than I have been) I KNOW I am doing the right things.  Hope everyone is well :o) 

Lord have mercy, guess who joined a better gym and now has a personal trainer?  Um, yep!  Scary but awesome at the same time.  Just about the most unfit person in that gym but they swear there are people there starting from less than I am.  I'm sore, but elated.  Hit the 200 lb loss mark a week and a half ago.  Funny, but I'm now where most people start their journey, lol.  Yeah, I'm a 3x/4x and loving it.  You can't feel that unless you're coming from 6x/7x territory.  I honestly don't know how I lugged the extra 200 around.  i couldn't even lift that much now!  I realllly shouldn't spend the money for a trainer, but I'd surely waste $47 a week on something else and at least this will be lighter on my conscience.  I hope everyone else is doing well :o)

Well, five pounds from 200 lbs loss.  Wow.  Um, of course, having done that and still being a size 4X (um, yeah), it's kind of a strange place.  It's really ramped up though, not as much in the pounds, but things are shifting.  The loose skin is like crazy now, but strangely, I could care less.  Like wow, that's some loooose skin, but MAN (!), I emptied it!  Almost all my pre-diet/op clothes are unwearable and I'm transitioning my closet.  Feel terrific healthwise, dont really have much problems eating anything, which was always the case.  I had been able to eat just about anything post-op and even larger portions that would make the normal post-oper feel uncomfy (although still much smaller than pre-op of course).  Not a good thing, but now it seems to be going against the grain and not getting looser (the pouch) but actually tightening up,  Leave it to me to be the oddball, but I'm not complaining!  Everyone is terrific, I have suuuuuch wonderful friends.  To call them cheerleaders would be insufficient.  They're supporting me in taking back my life and that is such a marvelous thing.  Much love.  Word.  xxoo :o)

So, I've been blessed/cursed with not really having anything that makes me dump nor a problem ever with getting in enough food.  It's caused me to not be as stringent as some are forced to be, but for the last two weeks I have done my best to stay within 800-900 calories and get all of my protein in.  Also, I've taken water aerobics classics at least 4-5 times a week.  Wow, did it pay off this morning.  14 lbs in two weeks.  It really, really gives me new dedication to use this tool to its potential.  I am so pumped.  I thought I looked a little baggier (skin-wise! lol) last night, but I didn't want to check till this morning.  Wow, just wow.  Hope and optimism are magical things.  Who'd of thunk it? 

Well, it seems the minute I thought, "Well, maybe I won't have any hair loss afterall...", it started falling out!  I don't know if anyone else can tell yet (I've always had thin hair anyways), but I keep finding hair everywhere!  Alot of new growth already too, so it's not like I'm freaking out.  I know why it is though.  I stopped keeping track every day of my calories and protein intake.  Whether it's the calories or the protein, if I don't track at least Mon-Fri, I end up getting too much and not enough.  All last week (well, most of it), I kept right around 900 calories and got at least 85 of protein.  I'm planning on doing the same this week, so when I weigh next Monday, it better show... OR I will pull the rest of the hair out, LOL.  Also, have been doing water aerobics 5 days a week.  It's not like doing the eliptical, but hey it's waaay more than I used to do.  Still parking far away at work and it's awesome how I can leave the pool on Saturday morning, make 3 stops (including SuperWalmart) and come home with energy to spare.  Starting saying goodbye to some old clothes and listing them on ebay.  Those upper sizes (5X+) really go well.  I listed about 20 items and made $137.  I have more to uncover, buried deep in closets.  Either I find more that I can sell or more that I can now wear.  Win-Win.  :o)

Just checking in since I haven't posted in a while.  Things are going well I guess.  Weight loss seems to have slowed down (which has me MANIC), but at the end of week 11 post-op, I've lost 52 lbs.  I might be eating a little more than I should, but not too bad and I KNOW I'm being more active.  Started water aerobics a few times a week after work (only once this week so far due to darn rain).  I had been averaging 6 lbs a week, but now it's under 5.  Maybe mayyybe I'm losing inches instead though (not sure of the science behind that), because I got on a pair of jeans today which I couldn't get on a month and 1/2 ago.  A few acquaintances said they can tell, that my face is getting thinner, but I suppose it's just a mental thing I have to get over.  I mean, I've lost 152 since I started dieting on my own last May 22nd (100 lbs pre-op), but that's only about halfway for me.  Unless you've been up where I was, that's hard to fathom for some people.  I just feel immense pressure to lose more and faster, not from anyone else but from myself.  I feel like I'm against the clock, like if I don't lose as much as I can in the first 6 months, then that will be it.  I have no problems with anything really, except bread (when I even try it) and jello sugar free pudding (of all things!).  If it wasn't for those things, I'd swear I didn't even have the surgery.  I can eat way more than a cup if I don't stop myself.  Maybe my sensation of feeling full is a lot subtler than most.  Not a good thing.  Still, all that being said, I am optimistic.  I know I'm doing good things.  Perhaps though, I am not doing enough.  I think once I lose a bit more, maybe July/August, I'm going to hook up with a personal trainer at the Y.  On my own, I don't think I'm going to push myself exercise-wise enough.  I hate to sweat and hate to be uncomfortable and that's what hard work brings.  Hard work is what I need to be doing.  For the positive things.... LOL I find myself looking in the mirror and admiring that I can now see a jawline.. that, omg, I might have cheekbones... and although still waaay fat, I don't recoil in horror to see myself in my bathing suit top (bottom still a problem lol).  Of course, it's true what they say, we lose like Oompa-loompas, top first.  Also, not as many stares or glances or chuckles that we all know the fat girls get and DO notice.  I don't need to Barbie, I will NEVER be Barbie.  I just want to feel normal, and I think I can maybe see it in the distance down the line now.  Still, many miles to go.  I wish everyone well :o)

Ugh, so I lost 7 lbs last week, for a post-op total of 46 and then this week, only 2 lbs!  WTF?  Is that normal?  I was so looking fwd to this week, thinking I had done better with activity and better with eating than last week.  NOT!  OK, I know I'm eating too much.  I should be between 500 and 800 calories (I think) and I'm getting in way over 1000 if I'm not looking.  Dried edamame and peas are great for protein, but high in calories.  Um, guess who bought 5 lbs of them and has been munching away?  Gotta stop that.  I'm fine at work, no cheating and doing everything ok, but at home, it has to stop.  No more munching by the tv.  I suppose, 48 lbs in 8 weeks isn't too bad, if I end up losing 96 in 4 months.  Am I on track?  I did measure and found out I had lost 3 inches each on my bust and hips, but I guess I just think the loss should be more. 

I want to crank it up a bit and I'm paranoid about them saying all the time that you lose the majority during the first 6 months.  I feel like I'm behind the 8 ball with that.  I need to step it up!  I'm quite sure if I hadn't lost the 100lbs pre-op, I would be losing more now, but that's dumb to think because what does it matter when I lost it... I guess it's all mental.   Arghhhh. 

I will be making my next post crowing about how much I've lost.  There, I have spoken that to the universe, so it can make it so.  Hey, I'm up for any help I can get!

Well, today was my last day on disability, back to work tomorrow.  I am SO ready to go back.  I was running out of things to do, lol.  Maybe that's a sad commentary on my life, but oh well.  I think I will do so much better (not that I'm doing badly) when I have the activity of being at work, hopefully walking at lunchtime or working out before/after, and not so much time on my hands.  I think I've been eating a bit too often when I've been here at home with time on my hands.  I just GOTTA remember to drink often.  Today I logged in for work just to get a bit caught up for tomorrow and it was already 3pm when I realized I hadn't even drunk 8 oz yet.  Not good, 

So, I've lost 34 lbs since surgery (1 day short of 6 weeks) and 139 since I started my pre-op reqs last May.  Not too shabby, but I think people expect me to look like way skinnier already, having lost that much,  Me too maybe, but it's ok for now.  I have been able to pull a few things out of the closet I wasn't able to wear before, am wearing two size smaller pants, much easier to walk, etc. 

Oh, and the g-tube was NO big deal,  It was out before I even realized it.  I was so dreading it.  I suppose though, that's been a running theme here.  Everything so far has been sooooo much easier than I had expected.  You'd think that's a good thing, but I wonder sometimes.  Time will tell.  Till next time....

Yeah, so 2009, The Year of Me.  That decree came about today when I had to justify spending a couple hundred dollars getting a master designer at Ulta to style my hair, color it, highlight it.  I figure I might as well just indulge myself all year, right?  LOL I feel it was my final act of indulgence before I go back to work on Tuesday.  Uploaded the photo and changed my avatar to the new pic.  Older, jowlier, than my last one, but there is solace in knowing I'm showing something more accurate than that years old pic from work, where I admittedly looked better.   Maybe it's the year of "Face the Music" too.

Another up and down day, like my previous post.  I usually hate going to get my hair done.  Why, because you spend a good hour sitting in front of a big mirror.  This time though, I think I got the first good look at my face since I've lost the 130+ lbs.  I certainly have developed my mother's neck wrinkle of loose skin (um, that #2 item for plastics, already decided), but I could handle looking at what I saw for the first time in a long time.  LOL, of course that's from the chest up, dealing with the chest down might take quiiiiiite a big longer, lol.  But, as is the way things go, as soon as I saw the picture we took, it all went away.  I hated how I looked.  Not the hair, but I just looked so old.  I would hope as I lose more weight, it would look better, but I fear it will just look worse as I get jowlier and saggier.  I dunno, guess I just hate cameras.  How can I like what i see in the mirror, take two steps back and get a photo taken, and absolutely hate it?  There HAS to be some wacky science behind that, right?  Oh well.....

Get the tube out tomorrow, thank god.  It's really starting to bug me.  Got my period finally, but I was at the salon for four hours and missed eating lunch.  I was sooooo darn weak by the time I got out of there.  It's like you want to eat and catch up, but you can still only eat so little.  So, there was no catching up really, and a good long night of sleep is due. 

Well, today started out awesome.  Took Zathras for a walk, even chose the LONG block to walk around.  Then, got back and took Jack for a short one.  I must take the car out and determine how long a route the long block is, but it bears noting that I CHOSE to take the long one.  That's progress.  Going with Mom to the Flea Market tomorrow, so there's more walking in store there too.  In the afternoon, the day went south.  Got food stuck again.  This time I don't think I even ate too fast, but it was chicken (cooked to really soft) so maybe I have to be careful with that.  I had gotten something stuck last week but this time was worse.  I actually threw some food up in addition to the "slime", so I GOTTA WATCH IT!

Still kinda bummed that I didn't lose anything last week.  Chalked that up to imminent period, but it's never come.  Figures, it's rarely reliable.  I am hoping hoping hoping this week will be better.   We'll know on Monday.  It sure would brighten my mood.  Not that I'm really down, but I feel kind of tenuous, like preparing to feel down if this week isn't better.  Everyone on the board has been saying there is a stall at 3wk-1 month where the body has realized it might be starving and has to readjust.  Let's hope that's it. 

I'm really OVER the g-tube.  That comes out next Friday.  I am also over the sensation you get when something is in your body and gets pulled out (e.g., in the hospital the nose tube, j drain, and let's not even discuss the catheter!).  I want it out, but thinking about that feeling makes me wanna hurl.  Plus, I don't really understand the details of the g-tube being removed.  Like, ok, it's attached to the old stomach with a disolvable stitch.  Soooooo, do they know for sure it's disolved by now or just do they just tug on it?  (!!!)  And... since it was critical for me to keep draining the tube all this time, why is it ok all of a sudden for it to be gone?  I basically have a hole in me where it's connected, so what, they just put a bandaid on my hole until it closes?  How hygenic is that?!  It better not hurt.  Not like I have a choice though.  Ugh. 

Oh well, comes with the territory!  :o)