pandababy52

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So I am off school for the summer and I am going to work on me.  I am going to 8 hr shift for the summer at work and find that I will have time in the morning to exercise and that will be awesome.  I think I will be able to get in atleast 45 min of exercise a day Mon-Fri.  I think this will help with my self image and also with the way I feel.  I am doing better emotionally but have now found out that I have to have my gallbladder out... What another surgery.  I feel like a pin cushion.  I didn't want to go under the knife for a while.  The next time I was planning it was when I was going to get my full body lift when I am done with my weight loss journey.  Oh well don't want to get it infected and end up sick.  I am hopefull that I get called for Nursing School in the fall but am ready to wait till the spring or longer if I have to.  I am going to take care of me because I need to be sure that I am here for a long while.  The blessing of this wonderful tool is important to me and I need to use it the way that it was intended to be used..

The sun shines in the eyes of your family and friends.  Smile even if your heart says it wants to cry...

Well it is 6 days into lent and I have kept my vow.  I am so feeling good and bad... I am feeling bad because I did gain weight.  Alot of weight.  I have gained about 17 pounds.  I have to change my prospective and work harder towards the new me.  I have to quit letting the little things upset me and look to the future.  I had a talk with my husband the other day and we were discussing what the future has for us.  I told him with school I have a couple routes to go but the problem comes that the one that is least expensive will leave us in AZ for another 4 and a half years.  He was fine with it but I am not sure I am.  I know that my education means the world to me and that if I don't finish it will just be another thing I let go.  I let go of too much and it really gets me down.  I can not let this go.  It may not be my dream job but it is a field in which I am happy and have learned to do very well.  Nursing is for people who are compationate and love to help people.  I am one of those people and feel that I will do very well at it and plan to finish.  I am scared. Of what you ask.  I am scared of being responsible for others.  Scared that I will do something wrong and in nursing doing just the smallest thing wrong could kill a person... I don't want to ever do that but I know that people die everyday and sometimes we can not change that....

I will continue to work on my eating and get my weight down to my goal.  I need to make little goals for myself that are not hard to attain and stop looking at myself in disgust.  I need to work out more and take care of me... I am the important one...

Today is a new day and I will hit it head on.... 

This day has been aweful.. Normally when it is this crazy I would eat a cookie or two and deal with the anxiety.  Today I had carrots.  I figure they could make me feel just as good as a cookie and they are good for me too.  It worked.  I am still emotionally shot but it will pick up.  I hate being yelled at and people just found the need to do that to me today.  Oh well I let them know how I felt about it and they apologized.  I have been two days without a cookie, cake, or ice cream and I think I will be able to do this...

Living for you is most important.

So for lent I am at a cross roads... Do I give up Facebook or do I give up sweets.  Which would make me a better person in the end?  Which causes more issues for me then the other?  Maybe I should give up both?  If I give up both I might end up with no friends and a smaller but?  If I just give up sweets I end up with a smaller butt and same amount of friends?  If I give up just Facebook I will end up with no friends and a bigger butt?  So the verdit is,  I will give up sweets.  I of course will have to qualify the sweets I will and wont eat.  I will give up cookies, cakes and ice cream... OMG this is gonna be rough.  Should I leave a qualifier that I will just give up milk ice cream and not sorbet?  I use the sorbet for my shakes sometime.  Well I guess I will just have to use strickely fat free yogurt for my shakes.  This is gonna be hard but it will also help in the changes I want to make in my life.  I need to continue on my weight loss journey and I will need the support of my facebook friends to get me through.  They can be like my SA (Sweet anonimous) group... Well then it is set NO COOKIES, CAKES, or ICE CREAM for the lent season.... With any luck they will make me sick when I start to eat them again and I wont want them after.  Or I just wont want them. 
Smile so your life is full of happiness.

I am now almost 9 wks out of my knee surgery and am working through the PT as well as I can.  Everyone says I am doing well and that I am doing better than expected.  I don't know about that.  I have gained weight and I can not seem to not want to eat and eat.  I am so down on myself most of the time and I just need to get the same motivation that I have used through this surgery and PT to start working towards the me I want.  I look at myself and I don't see what everyone else sees.  I see the fat me.  I am still big but no where near as big as I used to be.  I should be proud of myself and I just chastise myself for not being further.  I don't know how to change that.  I am going to call the psych department tomorrow at work to see if there is someone who can see me.  I don't think I need the medication but I do think that I need to work on me and I need to find out why I don't let myself get to where I want to be.  Am I afraid of who I will be when I am skinny (or at least thin)?  Am I holding myself back for others?  Am I expecting too much from myself?  Why don't I just do what I need to to lose the weight?  I am going to look into a personal trainer but I am afraid they will give up on me and not motivate me in the way I need to.  I have not yet called the dietitian but that is also on my to do list for the week.  Well enough whining. 
Life is what you make of it..

Eating is a something we all have to do to live.  Eating is something that people enjoy doing with family.  Why do I feel guilty when I eat?  Is it because of what I am eating or is it strictly because I think I should not be eating at all?  I look at myself when I eat and think should I eat right now or should I wait.  I know that I should put myself on an eating schedule so that I only eat 3 times a day the way my surgeon wants but when I am at home with my hubby that it hard.  I get hungry at the same time everyday.  He doesn't get it.  He feels that if he is not hungry why am I.  I let him know its because he act 3 times the amount that I do and so it stays with him longer.  Am I wrong but this?  I don't think so I think that I should eat when I am hungry so that when I feel like snacking I can say to myself "You know self you will be eating in an hour how about a glass of water instead."  But when I am with him I feel like I am not getting that opportunity because he makes me feel like I should only eat once a day maybe twice if we are lucky.  I can not run on that can of food intake.  I wish he could understand but he doesn't get it.  I try to explain but he just thinks I am making things up I am sure of it.  I wonder if eating is just something I use as an excuse for other things that maybe wrong with our relationship.  We get along most of the time but I always feel like that little kid that says why can't we play with my toys sometimes or why can't we watch what I want to watch.  I feel like he is always only looking out for what he needs and wants and only pays attention to mine when it is necessary.  I don't feel I can talk to him cause he always says that I am wrong and that is not the way it is.  I hate not feeling like we both have a say but I just don't.  I need to find away to tell him these things before they fester.  I feel that I push my emotions down and don't let them come out at good times.  I give in cause I don't want to fight.  Well maybe that is what we need a good fight.  No that would just make things worse.  I need to find away to let him know how I feel without it being to big an issue.  I love him but I need to start putting me first and not everyone else.  Thanks for listening (reading)...
Live life like there is not tomorrow....

Is it possible that sometimes it is okay to snack... What if you don't have time for a meal?  I ate a ton of carrots today but that was so I wouldn't eat chocolate or cake... I feel that we have to be able to snack sometimes.  I know that my surgeon frowns apon me snacking and I hate that it disappoints him but wouldn't he rather me grab a carrot than a candy bar if I am going to snack.  I so need to figure out what in my life got me to the point of obesity in the first place.  I need to figure out what I need to change in me to finish with my weightloss.  I work hard and will soon be able to exercise like I really want to.  Went for a small hike on Sat and it just made me think of all the hiking I am missing.  It is the perfect temp in AZ right now to be out hiking but my knee is not ready for uneven terrian.  I look at myself and I wonder why do I let myself stay this way when I am so unhappy with it.  Is there something that gets off by making myself unhappy.  I am really looking forward to meeting with the nutritionist and also possibly getting in to see a psych doctor to start working on me.  Maybe I need a life coach hmmm but insurance doesn't pay for those.  I just feel like I am slipping into a depression and am really trying not to.  I hope I can turn myself around before it is to late and I have to go on a medication or something.  I have been off my meds for over two years and feel fine without them maybe I just really need to talk it out with someone.  Yeah that is what it is and I will work on getting an appointment soon.  Thanks for listening (reading).  I can't wait to feel better and to get back on track.  I need to feel good and I have not felt good for a little while now....
Smile it makes your day full of joy...

I had knee surgery 7 wks ago and it went very well.  I found that I am stronger than most when it comes to pain... The one thing I can not stop is emotional eating and the fear of not being good enough.  I am trying to get the nerve to apply for nursing school but I just don't think it is the absolute right path for me.  I think of what would be a good path and it just doesn't come.  I think of what could be better than working in a job that would make me feel good about myself even though I am not sure if feeling good about myself after work is the only thing that I need from there.  I work so hard in my life trying to be what others expect and what they want but what do I really want.  What will make me who I need to be?  I look at myself and really am not sure what will do that for me.  I have a husband who loves me and a daughter that loves me.  My friends and family are the best but what does all of that mean for me.  What do I get out of the whole thing.  Should I be so selfish to feel that I should get anything out of anything.  I know that if I do not feel better about myself I will not be able to find what it is I feel that I don't have.  I know that this whole weight loss thing is being able to be happy with what you have and to feel good about you.  I don't feel good about me and that is why I know that I sabotage what I know is a tool to help me with.  I really need to focus on what is important and focus on me for a while.  I should disconnect from the world some how but with technology and people who care that will be rough.  I just feel the need to lock my mind up and let it figure out what I need.  I will hope for a change will hope to find the answers but we will see.  Some find themselves in church others find themselves in nature.  I don't know where to look but I do know that one day I will find me and when that happens I will make the most of what I have been given.
Live*Laugh*Love.... That is my motto of the day.... 

I realized something today... I am an emotional eater and it is going to get me bad.  I have a bad feeling that I have gained some weight.  I don't want to get on the scale cause I don't want to face the truth.  The other problem is that if I have gained to much then my knee surgeon might change his mind and think I am not serious and wont do the surgery on my knee thursday.  I worry too much.  I think about all the things I worry about and they are going to get me to 600 pounds if I don't watch it.  I have not gained much if any at all but I am so afraid.  At work it is hard to think of other things to do with your emotions when your not able to really walk them off.  I need to just walk away when I start to reach for the junk that is laying around here.  It is awful.  I am missing family and friends that I don't see often and I am just down right now.  I am beautiful, and smart and my hair looks nice.. I know random huh but I made it a goal to not say negative things and if I did that I would compliment myself with three other comments so that is what that was for.  I think I will go for a walk around the basement now a couple times....

Remember it is not what you wear its what you look like wearing it....

Well as I sit at work I think to myself.  What can I do around here to help me lose weight in my down time.  I will start walking around the basement and doing exercises from my chair.  I can do squats not all the way but most of the way.  I can do leg lifts and arm exercises.. Wow how I can turn bordem into a full fledge exercise routine.  I love when I start to think right. 

I have 4 days till my knee surgery.  I am working hard not to get sick.  I am talking Zicam and drinking alot of OJ (low sugar) and B-vitamins... I am nervous and more worried about putting my family out.  I will have to stay with my mom for a little while for my husband works at night and I might need help.  I just don't want to bother her.  I know she is my mom and is always willing to help but I really just hate being a bother.

I am so happy that this year is starting so well.  I have been in a good mood for two days and it feels good.  I still worry about what is to come for my husband is still looking for perminate work and still has had no luck.  I worry that we will not be able to make it.  So far just as before things come into my life that help me get through these tough times but I still worry.

I have eaten rather well today and am pretty proud of that.  Mostly veggies.  Really have to think of something better for me for breakfast though. 

Getting it done and loving it..