PhillyGirl

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I just calculated my current BMI... how discouraging!  It is 29.1 which means I am still overweight... almost obese still.  I disgust myself.  I need help!  This is NOT what I needed today!! GGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!! 

 I don't think I will ever lose that gross flab of skin on my belly.  I can fold it up or down... I can even roll it but I can't seem to get rid of it. I want plastic surgery so badly! As with anything, it costs money... time I have, money I do not.  I am struggling with the fact that I feel good about the weight I've lost but I feel worse in a swimsuit because of the flaps of skin on my inner thighs, under my arms and my belly.  In fact, my children will 'play' with the loose skin under my arms and watch in swing back and forth.  I try to laugh it off but it hurts and I feel just as horrid as I did when I was heavy.  When I go swimming, people stare at my thighs because they jiggle so much.  I've had 'work out experts' tell me that I just need to work out more or drink more water or use special creams and oils etc. but in the end I don't believe that stretched out skin will ever be going back any more than it has gone.

I am currently inquiring about Dr. Saucada's Medical Tourism plastic surgery in Monterry, Mexico.  Not sure how I can even afford to think about it but this much I do know.  I suffer from severe bi-polar disorder.  When I am depressed I go deep into that pit of despair and feel absolutely worthless.  Having all this excess skin does not help me feel good about myself at all.  When I go into a hypo-manic or psychotic episode or self mutilation crisis I want to take a sharp knife and cut away the skin myself.  Death doesn't concern me at that point.  I just want to have an acceptable body to ME! I am not happy with mine the way it is now... it is discouraging, depressing and disgusting to me.

Perhaps, I should write more next time when I am in a better frame of mind... ~sigh~ 

 So, it's been quite some time since I've been on this site.  I'm not sure why.  I guess I've gotten caught up in that thing called LIFE.  So in total I've lost 170lbs.  GREAT!! Here's my problem.  I have saggy legs/thighs, butt, belly, boobs and arms.  Sure, I feel great about the weight that I've lost but I feel that I get more stares at the beach or at the pool now because of the gross hanging, flappy skin than what I got when I was fat.  I would love to have plastic surgery done but I would want it all and all at once.  My main drawback is money.  I suffer with severe bi-polar disorder along with several childhood traumas, therefore, I find it nearly impossible to convince myself, let alone anyone else, that I am worth XX amount of dollars.  I used to get my nails done and then started to feel guilty about spending the money on myself so I stopped.  I don't feel as good about myself now.  I used to get my hair done every other month or so now it's about every 6 months and I maintain it inbetween.  I really, really want to feel good about myself but I am constantly fighting my mental illness and demons from my past that 'tell me who I am'.  Logically, I understand what is going on and why etc... it's getting my emotional self and behaviours to follow.  I tend to start eating poorly because I don't feel that I am worth taking care of.  I really don't want to go back to where I came from (morbidly obese) but I would love to love myself enough to continue working towards self improvement... ~sigh~... currently, I have gained 20 lbs back. I find this devastating, however, not motivating.  I am going to give the 5 Day Pouch Test a try (by Kaye Bailey).  I hope that it will swing me back in a positive direction.

Until next time... which, hopefully won't be as long inbetween as last time... so long for now!

Well, I'm still trucking away at the weight loss... I have learned a whole new way to eat, which is great.   I find people around me more 'health conscience'.  I still have 55 pounds to go... these will be the hardest I fear... I try to go walking 5 days a week.  I go mall walking... it's always good weather at the mall... and membership is FREE!!! 

I get discouraged still from time to time... but like a friend of mine reminded me.... it's a life journey not a race!!!  That is soo true!!

YAY!!  I keep thinking it's all going to stop one day... but I'm still losing... steadily!!  I'm now down 91 lbs... (at least last week that was the count!)... People are really starting to notice now, which is really awesome!!  It's nice when people notice and make a nice comment to you.  Not all people are like that, but that's their loss... :(   Well, I'm still keeping at it... still trying to get my protein in, still trying to get my pills down, still fighting with my mental desire to have dessert with everyone else... I still fight the depression, but that's usual with me... I'm very happy with my weight loss thus far!  I hope that by next year I'll be at my goal!!!

Well, I am pleased to report that I am still losing inspite of feeling like I'm not... I'm down 45 pounds in 2 months... (I think... I'm terrible at math)... I hope I will start getting my energy back soon... but I guess it will take time... I haven't had to have a daily nap anymore, however, I am very tired when I go to bed at night, which is a good thing... :D So... I'll keep on truckin'.... I've got to start walking more and then get into some serious exersize!

Well it seems like this is really happening!!  I am so excited!  I thought I would be the person that RnY wouldn't work for... down 36 pounds in 5 weeks... YAY!!!  Just got to keep on going!!

Well, I'm feeling a bit better today!  Tried doin' laundry yesterday... BIG MISTAKE... I think I did something to my insides... hurts really badly... I'll have to rest and let it heal up... Still progressing!!!

Well, it seems to get easier by the day... I am having trouble getting my protein drinks down... I just added fresh strawberries to my so-called vanilla ice cream "Lean Body" drink... it's a bit better... but I think I'll just try to get it through regular foods!  

I'm glad that it is sunny today... that always helps me!

Well, it hasn't even been a month yet... it will be this week... but I've only lost 25lbs and don't feel like I made the right decision.  I'm still FAT!  The recovery really sucks and my incision just got a huge infection so now I have to chop up MORE pills and try to get the down... UGH!!  I'm trying to hang in there, it would be more uplifting is I was losing more weight... haven't lost anything in a week!!!  I've been feeling like CRAP!  Well, that'll about wrap it up for today!  I'm going to go to Sandy's support group on Sunday... hopefully, that will help... she's my neighbour and an AWESOME one at that!!