Jaime C.

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 So I'm on my phone updating this this thing. So if my iPhone autocorrect kicks in let me apologize now. I had my 3rd baby on May 2. We named her Karlee Ann. She's beautiful. Life is good and looking to move into a bigger place now that we have this little princess. I really need to invest I a laptop because updating this thing on my phone is for the birds. Lol I'm going to leave myself with this quote since I cannot stand typing on this thing especially since there's so much that I want to write about. I'll sum it up to this... "sometimes the smallest decisions can change your life forever." 

I went to the doctor a week and half ago... surprise surprise! I am 5 months pregnant and having a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had NO FLIPPING IDEA!!! How does this happen? WEll i know how it happens, but damn. We were being soooo careful and let's be real here. My hubby works the graveyard and we have a teenager in the house and a 18 month old. You get what i am trying to say here? Bedroom play comes VERY RARELY. So.... here I am 5 months pregnant. I had very little pregnancy symptoms putting the pieces together. I don't have regular periods and not on birth control because i was still nursing every once in a while and my Doc said no pills while i am nursing. I was also training for a marathon which usually jacks up my cycle anyway on an already irregular cycle. I did the marathon in October and then did Nutrisystem for just a month which i thought messed up my cycle. I was feeling a TINY bit tired and lazy but i was contributing that to the holidays and the weight gain of about 12 pounds to not marathon training and being real lazy. I just thought it was diet. Duh! Then i was feeling REALLY REALLY gassy. Even made a remark that if i didn't know any better i'd think it was a baby kicking in my stomach. Sure enough, i took a test because i was at that point where i just didn't feel right and thought id take one just for shits and giggles and to rule ANY possibility out. SURE ENOUGH POSITIVE. So i went to the doctor and i wasn't just pregnant but 20 weeks along!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! He was able to tell us we were having a girl.

I went to the doctors the other day. I asked her to put me back on my antidepressants. It’s not that I am depressed I am more in a funk of overwhelming anxiety and a feeling of control loss. It’s basically taken  over my body lately. With everything going on with TJ (my son who is 13) he has epilepsy it seems as though at the point where I needed to get some sort of relief. I have been on medication for mood on and off for years. I was lexapro which I thought was the devil when trying to wein myself off of but in reality it really saved my life at one point. Anyway, I stopped taking everything when I got pregnant and then I am just now moving away from nursing so I a m able to take my medication again- and I need it. Day 3 and I already feel better. Little stuff that used to bother me which shouldn’t have doesn’t and overall I feel a lot better. I don’t feel weak for going back on the medication. I have a bitch disorder so I need to take care of it. LOL My weight flucuates 10 pounds either high or low. Right now i am high because of the damn holidays but for the most part i have kept my entire weight off which makes me feel wonderful. I see a lot of people who i know who have had this surgery and see them now and they have put almost all of their weight back. i refuse to do that and go back there.

One of the biggest challenges I have faced in my life is TJ’s epilepsy diagnosis. Compared to the other children I have seen or heard from the other parents who suffer from this same condition, I have to say we are one of the lucky ones if there is such a thing. I just hope he’s able to function fully as an adult on his own. Every parent wants what is best for their kid. We raise them to the best of our ability and when they are faced with challenges beyond their control or ours, it makes it even harder. It almost makes it an obsessesion to make sure we do everything in our power to make it easiest on them. I can see how parents of addicts are addicted to getting their children better. As good parents, it is just human nature to protect our children and make them better. It is heart breaking, heart wrenching to see our kids go through any type of hurt, challenge or tribulation. Through all of this, I have learned that I probably need to be on medication and I need to be a better listener to my child. I will defend him to the end, almost too much and perhaps that’s underlying guilt for the years I put a man in front on my own son’s feelings. Sad but true, that is how I sometimes feel. I completely lost myself in the years I lived in Southern California and my obsession was my boyfriend and pleasing him. My son should have come first and in my mind, I do not think that was possible. I never really talked about that in therapy and it never really occurred to me how neglectful I was to his needs until this epilepsy diagnosis this past year. Maybe all of this brought out some skeletons I never knew even existed. Maybe I am just over analyzing. Putting things in perspective, I should have left that relationship a long time ago and the guilt I still have in my heart is obviously still there. On the other hand, I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for living in a toxic relationship for so long and I probably would have chosen another path in my life and never had met my husband or had my other son. I know everything happens for a reason and this epilepsy thing is just something that we have to face and make due with how things are. I don’t want my son to fail school. I want to hug him and make sure he knows I love him 100%. He is such a caring boy and to see him not do well in school and in life hurts me so much. All I can do is be an active role in his education and support him throughout this ordeal. I will always be his biggest advocate and his needs will always come before mine. Always. I was so blinded before and now I am feeling the guilt as any good mother should. It’s up to me what I do with this guilt and I have to learn to focus it into something positive. I never neglected him I just think I could have done better. And knowing that, tares me apart to no end. I am doing my best now and will continue to do so. I am able to do that now for him and me. Things have changed for the better and I have a wonderful husband that fully supports me and has to put up with my constant protective wall for my son. One, which I doubt, will ever come down.    

So I completed my 3^rd half marathon on Sunday… what an accomplishment. I managed to gain 2 pounds back that I lost the last few weeks but I am back on track today. I finally got down in the normal BMI range and managed to blow that to hell this past weekend. It was worth it though… Inspiration Pasta party the night before the marathon and a fabulous victory party after the marathon in the evening. Best food ever. Best experience ever. I ate at the Cheesecake Factory and the Hard Rock Café in San Francisco and LOVED every minute of it… every bit… every calorie. And today, well I am 2 pounds heavier. LOL Oh well, just shows this weight game we play never seems to end. I have an appointment with TJ’s neurologist next weekend and we are working with his pediatrician to go to UCSF up to their Epilepsy Center where they specialize in epilepsy. In my heart the medication he is on isn’t working. If his neurologist here doesn’t want to listen to our concerns or side effects, I am taking the matter into my own hands… that’s what a proactive parent does. I am not going to sit on my ass and watch my son fail in all aspects in life. He’s getting a F in Science, D- in Math, History and band. He’s missing way too much school because his head is always hurting and this isn’t right. I can’t watch him waste his life away on a condition that can be monitored and controlled with proper mediation. Finding that right medication is what we need to focus on. Meanwhile, he has to suffer and as his mother, it breaks my heart.   

I am not having a very good day today. My soul is hurt today. That’s the best way I can explain and describe how I feel. I am stressed out, my house is messy, I am not getting enough sleep at night, and I am worried my 13 year old will amount to nothing. He is so irresponsible with his homework and organization. It’s like he acts like he’s in 4^th grade with his work. He throws his papers in his backpack and doesn’t file them in his binder. He doesn’t write things down in his calendar and I am constantly yelling at him. I yell WAY WAY too much. I think I need to be put on medication again but I am still breast feeding so I am struggling. I am doing fabulous on my weight though. I weigh less then I did on my wedding day and down to 155. Just 5 pounds more then my very lightest after surgery and I am 4 years out. Pretty good I must say but weight isn’t my issue today- it’s my mental stabibility that is killing me. On top of everything else, my son has epilepsy and ADD and has to take medication for both conditions. It’s a complete nightmare and I know he’s better then what he’s doing now and that the medication has taken over his entire personality and being. I feel terrible. Something has to be done because I am his biggest advocate and I am the one that yells at him. I love him the most and stand up for him the most. I get in arguments with my husband over him because I will always defend him and then it bites me in the ass. People keep telling me that boys are just like that and that they are naturally disorganized, have an attitude, smart asses etc. I am not buying it. When I was that age I had NO problem doing my homework etc. I would get projects done and be just fine. I have to keep telling myself that I didn’t have epilepsy either, and that this is something that we have had to learn to cope with on all levels. He’s fine on the medication… he doesn’t get the seizures he used too. We only know of one major seizure that put him into the hospital and that’s how he was diagnosed. We realized through seeing a neurologist that we was having about 100 seizures a day… “blacking out” type where he just stared into space. He has to have medication to control them and the last EEG came back that he wasn’t entirely seizure free. The good news is that he showed progress from his last EEG. It’s so frustrating because I know this medication is taking over his soul like the worry and stress has taken over mine. Not a good day today. But such as life. Not everyday is going to be rainbows and lolly pops. On another note, I celebrated my 2 year anniversary with my hubby last night. He’s great and I am so blessed. I just wish my son was in a better place mentally right now and I wish I could learn to control my yelling.  

4 years out and I am struggling today with boredom eating. Yikes! I thought I really learned how to control this but let this be a great lesson that sometimes we think we have a handle on things but in reality we really do not. I am not hungry but I am finding myself with WAY too much time on my hands. Time to eat. I am at work and it’s SLOW so all I can do is think about eating. I joined nutrisystem a couple of weeks ago with my hubby to get back on track and really to support him. I have lost about 4.6 pounds and he has lost about 6. It’s a pretty good diet and it teaches you stuff of course I already know. Make good food choices, eat lots of fruits and veggies etc etc. Anyway, for someone who has had gastric bypass surgery it’s even better because the portion sizes are just perfect. My hubby and I thought it might be a good thing for us to do together. Something positive and healthy we could do together. He has about 30 to 40 pounds to lose. I would like to lose about 10 more. I think no matter what weight I get down to, I’ll always think “10 more pounds.” If I don’t think like this, then something must be wrong with me right? LOL I would LOVE to get back down to my lowest weight of all time- 150 I have about 8 more to go. I keep telling myself and writing, you will see if you read my blog that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. 4 years out, only weigh 8 more pounds then my absolute lowest AND I had a baby! So, yea doing pretty damn good but for some reason I just cant get to that “content” place I always long for. Sure, big deal I do 8 to 12 miles every Saturday, and walk/run half marathons but still… not good enough Jaime.

Wow it seems like i get on here less and less. Looking back i guess when my life was crazy and i had a lot of "internal" issues coming on here and writing was a way to release. Life turned out pretty well for me so i can pretty much put that analogy into place. I keep track of my weight on my outlook calendar at work. This same week Sept. 14-20 in 2008 (three years ago) i weighed 7 pounds less then i do now. I can pat myself on the back and give myself credit because i wasn't doing that much exercise back then that i can honestly remember. I would have to go back through my blog to figure that one out. I also have had a baby and i have to keep that in mind as well. 4 years out and i have only gained 7 pounds from my lowest. I know i am a lot more healthy now. I can just feel it. I am stronger and have way more energy. Anyway, i never got on here on my 4 year surgery anniversary to reflex back. Here is my life in a nutshell... i was big all of my life. In High School i was liked and got voted best all around. I was never called fat but thick. Out of high school i met my first son's dad and he was the biggest jerk ever. Was with him for about 5 years. After that unhealhty relationship i jumped right onto the next and moved my life down to Southern California using food as my friend and scape goat. The asshole wouldn't put a ring on my finger and made me feel like crap. I had weightloss surgery, moved back home and my life began over again. I lost a ton of weight, went crazy, drank a lot, partied and had a lot of sex. I met my husband and all of that changed. I got married in 2009 and since then we have had a beautiful son named Trenton. i have done a total of 3 half marathons and training to do another one in October. Bottom Line- this surgery saved MYself. Both physically and mentally. I truely feel like i have been there done that and that god put me through the things i went through to get to life i have always wanted. i have a new compassion for life and i get it now. All and all i think i turned out pretty good.  

So on Monday i decided to go back to basics and do the 5 day pouch diet. I like it to get back on track and i know i can stay committed and actually do it since it's only 5 days. There is just something great about knowing it's only a 5 day committment. LOL the goal however, is to stay on track. So far so good. I feel that familiar tightness in my stomach i used to feel. I am on day 4 and feel great. I have lost about 1.5 pounds. The last time i did this diet i lost about 6. I know it's because i had cream based soups the first 2 days this time around so i am not going to lose as much. I am doing this not to loose weight, just to get me back on track. But of course if i lose anything i will be happy about that too. I had a hamburger patty with swiss cheese on it and feel so FULL. It feels like it used to feel during my honey moon stage. Pregnancy got me off track a little when i could eat anything and everything. I really needed to do this. I am also pretty happy with the water intake as well. I am doing good. This past weekend i did 10 miles with my team in training crew. We trained on hills and my ass is still sore from it. This weekend we are only doing 6 miles and the next weekend- ONLY 12! LOL