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I just glanced at the bottom-right of my computer and realized "2/12/2010... February 12! That's my surgiversary!"

2 years ago today I underwent Roux-en-Y surgery.

I started the weight-loss journey at 285 pounds and a size 26, edging into a 28. All of my pants had an elastic waist band. I couldn't bargain-shop for clothing, because my options were too few. I couldn't cut my toenails and breathe at the same time. I wore a CPAP machine at night because otherwise my fat choked off my air supply multiple times per night. Hygiene was a bit of a problem because I couldn't properly reach my, *ahem*, undercarriage. The things that I could do were limited, both by my own stamina and by our culture's fat phobia.

   

Two years later, I am a size 8 and weigh around 150 pounds. I can cross my legs and sit comfortably with my knees up underneath my chin. I can be picky about my clothes because I have options -- these days I spend half as much as I used to but dress with twice as much style. The CPAP machine is gathering dust in the closet. I do whatever I want to, without thinking about my size at all.



I encase my trunk in heavy-duty spandex every day, but they don't make shapewear for the upper-arm skin:


But whatever. I got married. And I didn't get married as a fat bride. I never would have thought that I'd get married as a thin bride with my choice of bridal styles, but I did!


Would I do it all again, despite the WLS-related middle-of-the-night emergency surgery? YOU BETCHA!

One year ago today, I went under the knife to have weight loss surgery and to change my life. I have lost 135 pounds since my highest, 103 pounds since my surgery date. I was a size 28 or 3XL; now I am a size 8 or M (and I have to consciously add in more carbs to slow down the weight-loss rate). I no longer have sleep apnea and the damnable CPAP machine is now gathering dust in the closet. My back no longer hurts all the time. Sometimes when I catch myself in store windows I double-take.

Nowadays I eat my protein first. I eat a fraction of the volume that I used to eat and rarely miss those old volumes of food. The amount of starches and sugars that I take in went down to zero until I was at goal, and is now about 10% of what it used to be. I do occasionally spend some time rolling around on the floor moaning, feeling nauseous, and cursing myself. But even then I'm glad for the surgery, because those episodes of eating badly and paying for it make it easier to stay away from those foods in the future.

My fingers now look feminine instead of like sausages. My eyes have gotten bigger and I have new-found dimples. I can cut my toenails without holding my breath. My shoes get tied on the top now instead of off to the side. I can walk all day long without having to stop for a rest. I no longer sweat all the time and I haven't stepped inside a Lane Bryant for months.

And the most amazing thing; I'm getting married and I'm not going to be a fat bride. I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd ever be able to get married and wear white and NOT feel like the Staypuft Marshmallow Man.

My waist has gone from 46 inches to 32 inches. My hips have gone from 52 inches to 39 inches. My bra size has gone from 44J to 32F. Although it'd probably be a 32D if I had a breast lift -- the excess skin is pretty awful. But worth it.

Found this picture this morning and scanned it in, it's from my boss' graduation in spring 2007:

I love how I'm trying to pull off that classic fat-girl move of trying to hide half of my body behind my boss, trying to create the visual illusion that I'm not twice the size of the other two, when I truthfully am. Anyway. Look at my face. Look at the squish around the jawline that isn't there anymore. Look at how my eyes are half-hidden. Look at how that shirt and sweater are fitting me. I still have them, so let's do a comparison (ignore the holy mess in my apartment, it's been a rough couple of weeks):

What used to fit me like a normal t-shirt has now gone right past too-big into looking like some kind of 70s-retro thing. It looks like it has dolman sleeves! And the sweater. I'm still using it as my office sweater because it's just sooooo soft .

Notice how in the graduation shot the sweater *just* fits? Now it wraps halfway around to my side. And the other side of the sweater wraps just as far in the other direction.

Today I wore new clothes bought on my trip to Osage Beach Outlet Mall -- a top from Dress Barn (size L!!) and size 12 pants from Tommy Hilfiger:



But it's not all sunshine and roses:

Ick. That's some serious arm skin right there. I almost couldn't buy that top because the arm holes were almost too small. There have been plenty of tops that fit perfect everywhere else but I couldn't buy because I couldn't get them over my Giant Batwings From Hell. I don't care what kind of crazy-ass loan it requires, there is definitely a plastic surgery in my future. But whatevs -- better saggy skin than that exact same skin full of fat. :-)

P.S. I showed that picture to my co-worker and he was all "OH MY GOD!" People lose the bigger picture when they see you every day and your melting is happening before their eyes. It's as true for myself as anyone. Seeing this picture again brings me some perspective....
   *************************************
285/252/183/150??
RNY 02/12/2008
St. Louis, MO

I got in the car this morning and thought "Whoa! Whose thighs are those??" They seemed too impossibly small to be mine.

Last Saturday I went to the outlet mall in osage Beach. I met my Kansas City friend Amaranth there, since Osage Beach is equidistant to both of us, and she was down for the adventure. We shopped alllll day. It was kind of a surreal experience for many reasons. For one, I remember Amaranth as a thin, regular-sized person, and she still is, so it really threw me when we were taking the same size back into the dressing room. How can I possibly be the same size as Amaranth? That can't be right! But it *was* right. Plus there were the pants I bought at Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein -- I never thought I'd step foot in stores like that, let alone buy clothes that actually fit. Every time I got let back into the dressing rooms of these stores, I felt like an imposter thisclose to getting found out. But then every time I put on clothes and they buttoned and zipped, I had to admit that I did in fact belong in that dressing room. Cognitive dissonance! There was the fact that I walked right on by the Lane Bryant outlet without even looking in the windows. There was the fact that it was hot and humid and we were walking around in it all day, but the weather didn't bother me at all. And there was the fact that we walked around constantly from about 11:00 straight through to about 7:00 or 8:00 and at no point did I have to stop to rest my body -- we only stopped to eat lunch and down bottles of water. WOW! I'll post pics of my new clothes later on whenever I get the chance.

Yesterday for dinner I went to Boston Market and got the individual meatloaf meal, and ate exactly half of everything. Half the meatloaf, half the green beans, half the mashed potatoes, and half the cornbread. Is that a lot of food, like more than I should really be able to eat? I don't know. I felt great afterwards, satisfied but not overfull. It was definitely more carby than I usually eat -- I normally shun potatoes and bread -- but my dietician wants me to start getting more carbs in. And I've heard anecdotally that some people who've had issues with dizziness have solved it by eating more carbs. Fingers crossed.

Pros:

* In One-derland!

* I've lost more than 100 pounds, so I've earned my century card!


* Bought size 12 pants.


* I can cross my legs while in an airplane seat


Cons:
* I still can't stomach lettuce, so I still can't eat salad and I miss it. Yeah, I'm reaching to find myself a con...
*********************************
RNY 02/12/08
285/252/183/150?
St. Louis, MO

I went to my dad's house yesterday and he took one look at me and said, "Time for some new pants again!". LOL, yeah, I suppose so. So after I left there, I stopped by JC Penneys. Since my old pants were 16W, I figured I was probably a 14W or a 16-straight-size. Maaaaybe a 14-straight-size.

So imagine my surprise when the 14 misses pants I tried on were too big. Wha?

I then had a ball shopping every normal-size store in the mall, and confirmed that, depending on the cut, I am a 14 regular or a 12 regular everywhere I go! Woot! I only bought one pair of pants though, because I'm cheap and the mall is expensive.

See? See? Size 12!


New pants on top of "before" pants








(Before pics:)


 

Omigod I just tried on a pair of size 12 pants & they FIT!

+ My sweetheart had his RNY on Wednesday and is doing well.
- He had surgery 850 miles away from me, and I couldn't be there.

- I was in a car accident
+ The other party stepped up and took responsibility for it
- My car was totalled / scrapped
+ I was NOT upside-down on my loan, so I was able to get a new one
- Need physical therapy now
+ Physical therapy will teach me better posture as a side-effect

+ Think I suddenly dropped a ton of weight in the last couple of days. My clothes that fit a few days ago are suddenly all too big. Freaky. In a freaky-cool way.
+ Found myself fascinated by my own shoulder in the mirror the other day. It has all this sudden, new definition.
- I have NO butt. At all. Which makes all my underwear saggy in the rear, plus my tailbone is throbbing 24/7 right now. My tailbone is definitely going "Wait a minute! Where'd my friend Fat go?!? Waaaaa!!"

+ Visited my sweetheart in his town a week ago, and I ate clean the entire time. Was able to go out to restaurants and be sociable, and still honor my own needs. Was able to order eggs at brunch, and grilled fish at dinner, and never felt like a weird, bariatric freak (while still giving my body good food that it appreciated).

+ I made some tough decisions and cut out some non-necessities out of my budget so that I can save up money and pay off debts. Even though I will miss my cable tv, I feel good about the decisions I've made to prioritize differently.

I feel like I dropped another size this week. It's so weird the way the body will maintain stasis for a while and then suddenly dump off a giant pile of weight all at once.

But the bra that I wore last week on the last hook, I'm wearing today on the first hook (bypassed the middle hook altogether!). My underwear is sagging in the butt. And all my pants that fit just-right with use of Lipo in a Box last week are too big today even without the shaper. So weird. If I get time this weekend maybe I'll stop in at Wal-Mart and try on clothes and see if I'm a new smaller size yet.

I have ZERO butt. I'm starting to get the achy tailbone now because the padding my body got used to is missing. I'm going to have to get those J-Lo undies that make you look like you have a butt, lol. And tell the trainer (when I get that started) to focus somewhat on that area.

I know the body tends to let go of weight easier when you're inconsistent... It's funny how consistency is key for maintenance but it's bad for weight loss... Well, last weekend in Austin I ate lots and lots of healthy foods, and ever since I got back home I've hardly been eating anything. Inconsistency, baby!

My throat has hurt all this week for no apparent reason. Well, I see the doctor for accident follow-up on Tuesday, so if it still hurts on Tuesday I'll mention it. Remind me to mention the sore throat to the doctor, okay?

I had a quite nice conversation with Mason on the phone last night. He's doing so great. The first month is rough for everybody, and he's got a lot of necessary learning to do really fast about what his new body wants and doesn't want, but he's up to the task. Very excited for him.

Today is the first day this week that I don't feel stretched to the very limits of my internal resources. Instead I just feel like the busy version of my normal self. Thank god. I couldn't take much more of that frantic, caffeine-speedy, no time to breathe version of life. I'll probably be working this weekend, though.

I  recently travelled on a plane, for the first time since before my surgery. What fun!

That seatbelt fit no problem!


Look at all that extra length in the belt!!


I can even cross my legs while sitting in my seat!


Plus I could put the tray table down and still have room between the table and my legs!

So, how do I feel about all this?