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Today was my first fill. As you can see by my other posts I have been waiting for this and looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. As I sat in the office, another patient asked me what I was there for and I told her my first fill. She said, Oh goooood, that hurts so bad! Then she proceeded to tell me and another prospective patient filling out a questionnaire how miserable she has been for the last year; that she lost 45 pounds but put back on all but 5 and how unsuccessful the band is. She talked about how she never feels full, that she can eat through anything and that "they don't know what's wrong with me". As I looked at her, and her bag fell open and the coke and Cheetos were exposed I quickly lost my sympathy and wondered if she ever really followed the diet or just gorged her way past every fill. I know-I judged her...but how dare an older patient sit there and tell 2 newer patients how unsuccessful and horrible it is. Maybe that is just her story and she needs to tell it; but I have a hard time being empathetic when regular coke and Cheetos appear to be her lunch.
Anyway, I had my first fill, didn't even really feel it, got 5cc on my fist fill. Dr Tom seemed thrilled with my results so far (as am I) and seemed to think I could handle the 5 on my first fill. As I was leaving, the one patient was still sitting there and I walked out beaming with sunshine and stated (quite loudly) Piece of Cake!!!!!

Now, lets see what 5 cc does

www.my-calorie-counter.com     The webs free Diet Log

One month out now, and ready for my first fill.  Yes, I have been scale obsessed and diligently standing  on the scale every chance I get (I think it might be surgically attached to the bottom of my feet).  I have been reading horror stories about the quick post-op weight loss then the re-gain before the first fill due to no restriction and the healing.  And many horror stories about how people feel nothing and absolutely no restriction after the first fill...and even some after the second.  I am afraid I won't have the ability to keep myself in check without that feeling of fullness   but also afraid because I don't want to feel dependent on the band to be my only sense of control. 
Anyway, last night I pulled out a pair of size 16 pants that I haven't worn since probably August, and a dressy blouse I quit wearing about the same time because it was too tight in the upper arms.  I stood in front of the clothes lying on my dresser and promised myself "I will not be upset if they are still too tight...and I will not wear them if I have to squeeze into them".  I have dropped about 20lbs since my band in Nov (one month) but I really haven't seen a difference in my clothes or how they feel (my size 18s)...so I knew there was a distinct possibility they would still be too tight.
This morning when I got up and put them on....the pants and the blouse are comfortably BAGGY!  FINALLY!  I FEEL different and I FEEL some success and I FEEL more motivated now that I FEEL results.  Hopped on the scale and found another 2 1/2 pounds gone! 
It also makes me more and more anxious and wanting of my fill, to help me with this because I know I can do it...and I know I can continue to do it; I also know I can not do it alone (if that was the case one of my first 4,321 attempts would have worked).
This was my Ah Hah moment, putting on these pants and this shirt and realizing that even though I am not "feeling" it much...things are finally working in my favor
  

I am finding the head hunger isn't really a problem as much as stress eating is.  My 20 year old, 5 1/2 month pregnant daughter moved home last weekend...wait, let me rephrase...she asked my son and I to come get her from a horrible marriage and life in ND; so my son, his fiance' and my youngest daughter and I drove up (1020 miles), picked her and her belongings up and turned around and drove home (another 1020 miles) in less than 38 hours.  She has now been home a week and has not gotten a job, has not gotten a doctor, has not gotten counseling or assistance except what mommy is handing her.  She sits around, mopes, cries, logs onto MySpace and FaceBook and blogs about how horrible her life is and texts her husband in ND about how guilty she feels for leaving him (this was her third attempt to leave in less than 7 months; as well as attempting to call of the wedding last May...maybe the light should be coming on????).  Anyone on the outside can see this is a horrible, destructive, controlling and emotionally abusive relationship; however she is so concerned with her fantasy of perfect little happy family she can not extricate herself from his emotional immaturity.  She is toying with the idea of returning to him and ND and the miserable destructive life she has left behind because she always chooses the immediate easiest option...not the BEST option.  I am frustrated my child still can not put other people ahead of herself and she will have a HUGE RUDE awakening when her baby is born just how insignificant her princess fantasy life is.  I know if she does go back, I will very likely never be involved in my grandchild's life, and probably never see my daughter again.  Anyway...I have vented but I am also learning that over the weekend, all the turmoil and stress in my house had me reaching for food at every opportunity.  Thank heavens all I had was "band-friendly" protein and veggies hanging out and NOTHING to snack on that wasn't healthy.  It was eye-opening to me when I was conscious of why I was eating how "hungry" I felt just because of the home upheaval.

Now that all the swelling has gone down post-op and I have not had a fill, it has been very difficult to stay at a 4 oz portion and battle the head hunger.  I am getting a little bored with the same old same old and I really trying to make good choices; and I am fully aware the habits I develop and change now will really help me in this journey...but sometimes it is so difficult.  I guess what I am in need of is some excitement in my food and some new ideas.  It is so hard when you are only cooking for 4 ounce meals because that means you have 30 meals of the same thing coming up soon! 

I know I am greedy and I know I got a great taste of what it feels like to drop weight pretty quickly with my first few weeks post-op....but I am ready for a fill.  My weight loss has tapered off to almost nothing, despite my decreased caloric intake and exercise... and I frankly feel no difference in the 20lb loss post-op and how my clothes and such felt pre-op.  (Scary, to know that 20lbs didn't make much of a difference).  Over this past weekend I had to drive 2050 miles in 38 hours to go get my daughter from ND (completely unplanned) and I found just how hard eating over that time with no preplanned meals could be (how do you live for 2 1/2 days on gas-station food?????) 
I am feeling great and ready to get this loser train on the tracks...okay, rephrase (I am on the tracks), I need to get the train rolling forward.

What can we say about a holiday that celebrates food and family together?????  And food, and more food....Thanksgiving, as much as a historical celebration as pig-out is always a struggle for me.  How do you sit at a table with 20 people (who you have not and will not tell that you had WLS) and spoon out 4 ozs of "soft" food?????  "I ate before I came here"????  Yeah, that goes over real well with family and friends.  Anyhoo...I am going to my family's house with the right frame of mind and I will volunteer to do "kid duty" and hope no one notices I am not eating . 

The 4 oz thing is somewhat of a struggle on a day like today because my doc told me at my checkup I have NO restriction (due for fill in 2 weeks) and I wish he never would have said that.  HEAD GAMES!

Wow, two weeks out already, hard to believe.  I had a great surgeon and a great group of friends (some of them on here) that helped me prepare and I honestly have to say...this ain't so hard.  Throws me back to my body-building days of 6 meals and protein protein protein.  Two weeks and weight this morning was 210-down 18.  I'll take that. 

My surgeon told me yesterday not to expect any more significant weight loss until after a fill (since I have not had one yet)...but I am of the mind frame "I'll show you"I know, I know...I am only 2 weeks out but I am NOT a patient person. I got the okay to go back to exercising and I had always told myself if I could get SOME (ANY) weight off I would go embarass myself and work out...so today I did
I'll let you know when I actually catch my breath...
I know it will get hard, and I know food and emotions and boredom to me is like trying to tell a kid not to step in a puddle...but I also know I am on track and I have to forgive myself; now and probably many times in the future...hang tite