rikamie

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I have a surgery date,  Sept 24.   I also have clearance from my insurance.  
So,  Sept 10,  I have a class with the bariatric nurse/NUT,  I have a physical with my PCP on Sept 17 for the H&P,  I start a full liquid diet on Sept 14.  AND my inlaws are coming on Sept 20-23 to visit and I don't want them to know I'm having this surgery.

It's not that they would not be supportive,  they always have been.  But,  they would not understand it.   They already think I have no will power and I just need to exert some and I'll lose weight.  Well,  that's what has me in this mess.  I've lost  100 lbs at a time at least 3 times as I sit and think now.  Every time I go off the diet,  I gain more back.   That is why I'm having this surgery. 

Had my psych evail 7.19  and went well.  He said I was an excellent candidate and can be successful even with bingeing issues.  He gave me a therapist's name but said it wasn't manditory.  Also, my BP is down after much messing around with different meds. And my feet are not so swollen. I went and had a bp check in the bariatric clinic.  So, now I wait for everything to get to Dr White's office and then go see him.  I also told my boss about all this and she was very encourageing. I was sweating that a little, had no clue what she would say.

I have been overeating, mainly going out for fast food.  I think it is stress.  

Amie

I just got back from a family reunion in Mn with my husband's side of the family.  Took my son, his girlfriend and their 2 1/2 week baby boy.  He was the hit of the reunion.  He is the best baby !  He goes to sleep at 11pm and wakes up at 7 am.  They are only 19 but they are doing great.  They hope to marry soon.  

I had an ok time.  Tired all the time and ashamed of my fatness.  Most of these people are thin and are hard working farm people. I think (may not be true, but this is what goes through my mind) that every person there thought "Oh my gosh, did you see Brian's wife? She really let herself go!"  My hubby, me and the kids slept in a travel trailer that was nice but to me, I didn't fit in it well.  I had to open the bathroom door to sit down to go potty.  How embarassing.  I had a hard time doing any activities because of tiredness and I just could not physically do them.  Also, it was hot and sticky.  I could not even help clean up and help in the kitchen like I normally would.  

So, next reunion I will look forward to because I will have had my WLS and will be thinner.  I'm going to remember sitting on the sidelines, not apart of the fun so I can motivate myself when the going gets tough.  


Amie

I just have some stuff I need to write down.  

I remember being 3 or 4, sneaking food.  I remember this in techno color, what I was wearing, my thoughts and feelings, what I did.  Sneaking past my mom and dad who were watching TV.  I went to the freezer (bottom door style) and taking out a box of ice cream sandwiches, settling down in the hall where no one would see me, and eating the entire box, then throwing it away so no one would see.  I knew I had to do that at age 3 or 4.

I remember at around age 5 eating an entire bag of chips, one after the other, zoning out, watching the Indie 500 on TV thinking I didn't like the noise the cars made.  

I remember my mom's chocolate chip cookie dough,  stealing some with my older brother, her yelling at us, we were going to get sick from eating raw dough.  I remember after the cookies were baked, taking stacks back in my room to eat in private.

I remember my anorexic ballerina cousin (more about her later ! she was my standard everyone thought I should be like her !)  Well,  I remember watching her binge on canned Rediwhip while babysitting me and wondering if my mom would think I did it because everone knows my cousin controlled her weight and I was the one who had the problem. 

So, from the beginning, food has had a hold on me.  I take responsiblilty. It's not the food's fault,  food is an object, a thing.  Not alive.  I'm the one. I'm the one who nurtured this relationship.  I went to food when lonely, angry, scared, nervous, depressed.  It was my decision.  Actions followed thoughts. And it smoothered those feelings that were just too scary and hurtful to feel.  It is inappropirate for a young lady to be angry.  I can stuff that feeling down with food.  I get rejected, I can soothe my feelings with food.  Rather than deal with the emotion, eat and then I can get on with things. And, the bingeing to feel better just adds more feelings, layered on top of the ones I need to squish down. 

My trigger foods to this day ?  Yep,  ice cream, Rediwhip, cookie dough, cookies, chips.  They are in my earliest memories.

That will come to an end.  The surgery will help me be in control.  Give me the raines to control.  Please, please, please, I want this to work out ok. I want this to be the last time.  I so want to make this work.  I can hardly wait to talk to the psych doc.   I want to end my poor coping with food.  I'm not even thinking about looking better, I more am thinking to change my relationship with food, get healthy mind and body.    

Amie

Had my visit with my PCP today, he is so nice !   He said he will recommend me for WLS, was very encouraging.  Said he liked my surgeon, Dr White and my PCP thinks Dr White has the best stats in Omaha for low complications and good outcomes.  He changed my BP meds alittle, is concerned with my edema and was hopeful WLS and insuing weight loss will help both conditions.  I have been on many different BP meds and have had scores of tests over the years with my BP still at 150/100 on a good day and I retain water easily.  I so worry about this, being a nurse I know too well what can happen, stroke, heart attack, I could go on and on.  I have no caffiene and as little salt as possible. I wear TEDS daily. 

Next is my psych eval on July 19 ( I think, calander is at work) and then the surgeon.  Yea, I'm not in a big hurry,  just like to see the process moving.  

I got "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" at Barnes Noble today.  I skimmed through it, it has a lot of info packed in there !    

Amie

Well, I finally got some pics posted, but could not get the avatar pic to upload, kept getting an error message it was too big.  

Speaking of big,  here are my stats taken today;
Weight    328 lbs 

Neck     16 "
Bust      50"
Rib cage   44"
Waist      44"
Hips        59"
Upper arm   18"
Calf        20"
Thigh      35"

How utterly depressing.  

I have been eating alot.  I'm pretty sure it's becasue I'm stressd out about some things at work.   Home has been ok.   I see my regular PCP on Tues for his ok for surgery.  I had a stress echo on Thurs that I passed with flying colors.  My EF was 65%   Can't get much better.  My ankles are still swollen more than usual, but form the results of the stress echo it's not my heart.  We will see what PCP has to say.  I'm sure he will ok me for the surgery.   Now I just need the psych on 7.19   unless PCP  or surgeon want some other tests or something. 

I've sort of been thinking this all is too good to be true,  like something will happen to stop the process.   I haven't told my boss about all this, I know she will not want me to take time off (I'm doing 3 jobs right now!) but I think she will be supportive.  Looking at pics of me lately,  I just can not stand me so big !  I look bad.  I know, it doesn't help to beat myself up.  I have a tape in my head that repeats itself. Tells me I'm a fat slob, no one loves or wants me, I'm ugly, stupid, ect.  I know my folks and kids from school years started playing it, but now I keep it up. It's hard to get these negative thoughts to stop.  I hope to find out about counseling when I go to the psych doc.  I think that will help. 
Amie







 

I've decided I'm going to pursue WLS wholehartedly.  I still need to talk one-on-one with the surgeon, but as I stand, in my heart I know this will help me.

I've also got a plan.  I'm going to follow the diet the dietitian gave me the other day,  using up all my HMR products and then going as complex carb free as I can.   I've already made some changes for the better with my diet,  I have not had any soda for a while.  That is an accomplishment in itself.  Next, no sugar and no caffeine, these 2 will be harder. I figure the closer I can eat to post op plan the better for me.  I have begun to keep track on Fitday.  I will also continue to walk and do my aerobics, but my joints are hurting and I have that dang endurance (or lack of) problem that is very worrisome to me.  

I'm feeling very good about things, I will also talk to the psych doc about counseling for bingeing.  I want to fix or at least learn to control in a healthy way what's making me binge.  I hate it.  


Amie

Yesterday I got in to do the nutritional assessment.  It went very well, the gal was nice and everything she said seemed to mirror what info is here. 

Thanks to all my past diet attempts, she was impressed with my vast knowlegde of how to eat healthy and loose weight.  

I did ask her many questions I had about the lifestyle changes.  I also shared my concern about bingeing and the RNY surgery.  She suggested therapy and support groups, but bingeing does not exclude a person from this surgery.  Just have to be sure I know what I'm in for and that I'll need help, and a plan what to do if and when I want to binge.  She shared that many bingers have successfully done this.  Ok, I feel LOTS better now. 

My blood pressure is out of control.  I went back to my PCP,  they put me on more meds.  Oh well.  Also, I'm to have a stress echo next week ? Hm, I can't remember the exact date- on my calendar at work.  Anyway next week or the 1st week of July.  My lower extremities are still swollen and I have skin changes that show circulation problems.  This is a concern,  I am very active, really !  I walk 45 mins in the AM with my dog every day and do arobics 2x a week.  If my skin is like this, what about my heart and my kidneys, not to mention brain ?  My labs are normal.    

I'm starting to get excited about this.  I'm starting to get hope this will help.  Amie

My son's girlfriend had their baby at 2:15pm central.  Austin Luke is 8 lbs 4 oz, 21 and 1/2  inches.   No problems with mom or baby.   He is beautiful !  

Amie

Well, I called the numbers and got my 2 apts made,  dietitian on June 29 and Psych on July  19.  The wheels are turning to get this done.  I'm not in a big hurry which is so strange for me. Usually I want things like, now !  I guess I see the seriousness of this and that it will truely be life changing. 

I had my first professional pedicure today and it was great.  What was I waiting for ?  I really am not one to do things for myself. I am a care giver and usually will do most anything for others but not myself.  I put off the dentist, haircuts, don't shave my legs (ok, TMI) but you get the idea.  But, the pedicure felt marvelous !! I do love being a girl at times. 

I'm having thoughts about how this is going to effect my relationship with food.  I posted a note on the RNY forum saying how I'm a binge eater and how am I going to handle not bingeing, and can I do it?  I really am clueless how this will work as I think things through. I have a very emotional tie with food, going to it for comfort. Need to squash down those feelings !  Food can do it, so that's what I did. But, I know this will help me break that bond. Turn food back to eat to live, not live to eat.  So, OK, I'm going to do it and change.  I can't seem to imagine being thin anymore, like I have  no vision of this. But, I know I'm not healthy and will go downhill without a change. 

So, bring it on, surgeon man !!!