Rjshawn

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Here I sit at my desk writing this I have gainedmaybe 30 pounds back yet I am motivated to lose the weight and more before my wedding May 5, 2012.  It is so hard when you are an emotional eater such as myself, but Allah has blessed me with so much and truly blessed me with a Man who loves me for Me no matter what size I am but in the end I want to do this for ME.  I look myself in the mirror and she how weight has destroyed my self esteem my confidence and MY HEALTH.  I choose to do a revision as a way of  picking myself off the ground and starting anew life.   

Sad to admit that I have not reached my goal of 180 pounds as yet.  Lack of motivation and stress has been the main caused and I sit her unhappy because I look at my body and though I have gain confidence to take pictures and go out more with friends I still hate looking at my body nude.  Especially my stomach.  I try to put it out of my mind by convincing myself that Life came out of this stomach two healthy babies so the belly is well earned but in reality my children are now 20 and 18 years old so those fond memories should have vanished.  My belly has always been the main source of my weight problem and now I realize what I am doing wrong that the stomach is not leaving the main reason eating then laying down.  Really need to reevaluate my goals and start taking care of Aneisha like I take care of everyone else.   

WOW I have to get more disciplined on writing more but also in LIFE.  I went to the doctor for my check up got on the scale then ran off crying for about an hour.  My nurse my dear friend aj had to have a serious talk with me because I would not stop crying I feel so much like a failure in this journey I did this surgery to improve my life not for it to come crumbling down on me,  I have gain some weight back and it has been on my mind so much later I can not be that same person who was scared to look in the mirror or take pictures I am starting to lose the confidence that I had when I started losing the weight Not going to lie have not gain complete discipline as yet but I am not going to give up on myself or this LIFE. Please pray for me   

WOW I did not even realize its been so long since I put a blog in.  Well I wish all was well but not I have gain a little weight and mainly due to stress and emotional issues.  But its only been about 5 pounds but I have decided to recommit myself on what I got this surgery for and that is to be a better me.  Depression has taken a huge toll on me later and I feel God talking to me about CHANGE.  Wow life is so funny as you learn you grow and I have taken this day to just reflect reorganized and eliminate some situations and PEOPLE out of my life and get back on focusing on my health Lord knows I have to most strictest surgeon in the world and it hurts to see her disappointed in me.  She keeps stressing that I should be at least 180 pounds and that is really my goal weight so just focusing NOT ON PLEASING HER but pleasing my heart and spirit. May the Divine bless you all

Been feeling pretty good lately despite feeling tired and drained and not getting much sleep.  Burdens of life have me down for the moment but I will pursue and make things better.  Health wise I am good have lost a total of 87 not to much to the pleasure of Dr. Gibbs but I dont want to instantly look skinny so just tune that (Lord PLEASE dont let her read this).  Not to be rude or unpleasant but getting a little tired of people at work saying to me WOW you look great what size are you now?, like before I looked like a nasty big fat piggy.  People dont know the pain that was behind that weight that I had on me and for me to go from 289 to 202 is truly a blessing.  I am loving myself more but that old depression still crepts on me everynow and again.  Especailly now with my daughter leaving in 8 days for college 8 hours away from me WOW I remember the day I laid eyes on her and gave her the divine name "UNIQUE" because she is unique and perfect in every divine way. 

As for food, WOW You taste buds change so dramatically, I use to love tuna fish now cant stand the smell of it.  Bananas and grapes give me dumpinig sydrome and forget eggs they dont go down nice at all anymore. Guess that is some of the cons but the pros are long lasting life. 

Oh by the way as you can see in the photos, I FINALLY got my tattoos, two actually was quite an experience but new me new fears to face

Yesterday I celebrated my 37th Birthday, though it is truly a blessing to be among the land of the living another year still get very emotional on how far I have come.  I have come from a woman who totally entirely hated herself to a woman who now loves looking at myself in the mirror.  My weight loss seems to be losing down a little now, 2 months only 8 pounds gone, but I am not worried about that, I am just loving life and looking forward to making this year better for me and my life.  All of my life I have been a people pleaser allowing others to mistreat me and take advantage of me but no more Just living the life.  My Life on my terms.  Embracing all the good and eliminating all the bad. 

Feeling very good these days,  I feel like a totally different person, my perception of life has changed dramatically.  The way I interact with people and with myself.  I am learning to love myself more and more each day.  Taking things in stride and not allowing myself to be so consumed with negative energy.  EVEN THOUGH I still dont see it, I have lost a total of 75 pounds and feeling pretty good.  Though I have alot of things that I am dealing with, finding out my Mother is ill once again and my daughter leaving for college 8 hours away, I take things now as a way of strengthening my mind, spirit and soul so all is well.  My relationship has even been improving for the better so that is something to make my heart smile.  God is good all the time, and all the Time God is good.......Peace and Blessings. 

Was in the hospital last weekend for 4 days due to some sever stomach pains.  Though they found nothing my stomach has been doing some moves on its on.  I went to my group session and the advice I receive is life changing.  It all balls down to the chewing my god counting the amount of times I chew is a challenge.  To be honest I tend to forget that I had the surgery my life is so busy I totally forget and it is causing me problems.  Especailly when I am eating at my desk answering phones checking emails all at the same time.  Doing my profile just know gave me a wake up call I have lost 60 pounds but not fully doing my part to lose the weight that I want to lose.  

Thank the Divine, another day another chance to get it RIGHT. 

Really starting to see some loss in my fingers.  All my life my Mom has been calling me sausage fingers or my Uncle used to say he was going to use me to wrestle women.  Though it hurt me and I know they meant no harm. but it HURT!!!!  I have been going through my emotions last couple of days,  thinking about past hurts the low self esteem and lack of self love and the sexual abuse that I endured as a child from a family member and the Devil was trying to take over my mind. But I am learning to be Strong

The Change in the relationship with My boyfriend is starting to cause havoc to my heart I thought he would fully understand that I was unhealthy that the puedo tumor would have just gotten worse and I could have died, now it is you know I love thick woman, why you cant stay "fluffy" maybe it is just my emotions but I dont like that kind of talk and it has caused me to back away from him.  I need support right now, my body my mind my spirit is changing in a positive way whereas pity stuff that used to raise the blood pressure I just brush off I dont have no tolerance anymore for just settling, so I dont need the negative energy.  I am working hard to learn to finally LOVE ME ANEISHA which has not happened in a long time .  But I tell you this...Freedom is so Sweet. and God has set this wounded Woman's soul FREE!!!!!

To date I have lost 51 pounds and though I feel more energetic dont really see it.  have to stop being obsessive about it