Savvybabes15
Okay, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all...
May 09, 2009
So, as i have posted earlier, I have scheduled my surgery. The excitement and nerves have passed, and now I am left with a dreadful feeling that I cannot shake. I have heard both sides of the lap-band fence. On one side the grass is so green and soft it makes you want to hop on over and roll in the grass and feel the breeze blowing the soft green strands around your head as your nostrils are filled with refreshing scents of fresh cut lawn. On the other side of this beautiful white picket fence is a lumpy brown rocky grass that is bare in numerous places due to being neglected. When you lay on this unwelcoming terrain, you feel a stab of pain as a jagged edged rcck digs deeply into the soft flesh of your back......
Which sounds better to you? Well obviously it would be the fresh green inviting grass rightr? Well, that is want the lap band looked like to me before I had scheduled my surgery. I have been standing in the neglected yard for so long that when I started my consultations for Lap-band the green grass was all that I could think of...How amazing it will be to be able to comfortable sit in booth in a restaraunt or paint my toenails by myself. Or to fit in clothes that I can only look at on the rack....or to think that I will soon be able to have a healthy pregnancy and start a family.....I have been so excited about all of those things for that past 4 months that it almost seemed like I was dreaming it all up. How could I be so lucky that I can be only $1500 away from freedom of this prison of a body that I have been living in for so many years. It almost seemd to good to be true.....
Now that it is all has had time to sink in, I have also gone through mixed emotions. This is for several reasons. I am not the first person in my extended family to get Lap-band. My Aunt got the procdeure done in Mexico because she didnt have insurance to cover it in the States. She was able to lose 80 lbs but didnt have proper aftercare and began to regurgitate everytime that she ate and finally returned to Mexico after 9 months to have the band removed. Talking to her she encouraged me to do it and assured me that I would really benefit from all the changes that the Band would bring to my life. Every once and a while, I overhear her speaking negatively about being banded and in the back of my mind, it makes me hesitant about the proceedure. It really hasn't bothered me too much until now...Now that my surgery is less than two weeks away. I know it shouldn't, but lets face it, our minds can play some pretty good games with us and in turn psych ourselves out. In addition to the banding worries, I have been VERY open that I am getting the procedure done (it will be a major lifestyle change and I feel that I shouldnt have to hide the fact that I am getting it done) Only recently have I noticed that people can be very NEGATIVE about the proceedure. My family for the most part offer me words of encouragement...but friends and aquaintances differ. I have been asked why I am taking the easy way out? Why cant I just apply myself more with diet and excercise? Why cant you just do it alone? Do you really think surgery will solve the problem that you are overwieght?.................................. At first I started beating myself up about it. The easy way out. It made it seem like it was a crime. Then I started thinking about how HARD I have been trying to lose the weight. All the diets and excercise...and I can lose about 20lbs and then I plateau. It is really hard for me to lose weight because of the medicine I am on as a result of my depression and behavioral disorders. They make me Gain weight and dieting and excercise allow me to maintain my weight not LOSE weight. I was so diestraught that I posted a question on OH to see if anyonw else felt guilty for taking "the easy way out". The response that I got was unanimous.....This is in NO way the EASY way out. It is a completely different lifestyle. You have to change EVERYTHING to make it work. One person admited they HATED it because they could no longer enjoy any of the food that they eat and that it in a way was like a curse....The final thing that has been giving me a really hard time is that I have this urge to Binge eat lately. I keep thinking of the things that I will no longet be able to eat like I used to. I was never really a closet eater, but I will admit that I can really eat my fair share of food. I hate that our community makes food such a social thing. Somehting that has become too much of a past time for so many Americans. The other day I cried to my fiance about how I feel like such a PIG for craving all these foods that I will not let myself indulgin in ever again once I am banded. I know that I will be able to have these things in very small moderations, but it is not like I will be able to down a full burger and fries after the proceedure. Once I started crying, I then felt guilty and disgusted that food could make me so upset that I was bawling like a child about not being able to eat again like I have for so many years in the past...
I just want to stop feeling guilty for wanting to be able to enjoy food for one last time the way that everyone around me will still be able to indulge in something that I once used to love. I know that this is just the pre-surgery jitters and that things will get easier, but i am a liitle nervous right now....I'm sure you all know how i feel and that I am not alone.....
