shae0420
6 1/2 months post-op!!
Sep 19, 2007
I feel like a chess piece sometimes...and now "you'll go right here, now lets see what happens." Some days I feel like I have no control of anything. Well today is another day. I am amazed at how far I have come since surgery. I have lost 96 lbs! 9-6 pounds!! My starting weight (day of surgery) was 303 and today I am at 207 lbs. Unbelievable. I am embarrassed to tell people how much I have lost sometimes. Although I am proud of my hard work, I am ashamed I let my self get that way to begin with. I love to go shopping now...I don't have to try to find the only XXL size of whatever it is and hope it even fits. I can wear "normal" clothes now. I can wear a size 14 in pants and large to medium in shirts, AMAZING!!
My son started Pre-K the beginning of this month. This is his second year at this school so a lot of the moms there are familiar to me, not friends of mine, but familiar with me. On the first day, they were all staring at me. I thought maybe it was because my son was on his way to a major meltdown complete with very loud sobbing and snot bubbles. I thought, these rude bit**s are just starring like my son and I are some sort of freak show. I was so irritated by how they were just starring at me. After we had left and my son had calmed down (turns out he just wasn't feeling well) I realized, "I bet they were starring because I weighed 300 lbs the last time I saw any of them, and now I am almost 100 lbs less." Suddenly I felt guilty for calling them names in my head and plotting to accidently dent their cars. Oops, my bad! I sometimes forget that although I feel the same as before I don't look the same as before. I am having severe issues with my own perception of how I look, so I guess I just assume I must look the same to everyone else too.
When I look in the mirror, especially naked, I see the same chubby person as I did 6 months ago. Only sometimes I will catch a reflection of myself and I will do a double take and wonder is that really me. Then I look again, and there she is fatty-pants Mcgee! I am also much more critical of body and how look now than I was when I was heavier. I can't understand why that is. Maybe I am fishing for someone to say, "Look you were a fat ass before, now you are just an ass." I don't know, I think I just need some more reinforcement. ***Sigh*** I think it just takes time for the mind to catch up to the rest of me (and everyone else).
I will be a free woman October 3rd! As I mentioned in my previous post I was "trying" to get divorced, but was met with a lot of resistance from my ex. I filed for divorce on June 14th and have my final court hearing on 10/03/07. I really should clarify that I had been separated since last April of 2006, so this was a long time coming. I have been dating a delicious man for awhile now that truely cherishes me. It feels so good. I am happy and haven't been for a long time. Its nice to feel free...something I think a lot of people take for granted. I know I did. But now, I can breathe again!!
I still find eating to be an incredible chore. I ask my kids every night, "Why do you guys have to eat everyday?!" My son just says "We has to momma." He is tender. It is hard to make something that we all like that I can eat. I refuse to be the person that makes separate meals for myself and the kids. I think it enables bad habits. I want us to eat together. We eat lots of chicken at my house, so I am always looking for new chicken recipes. Quick and easy is my game. I am "time" challenged as I work full-time, get off at 4:45pm, go get the kids from daycare, get home at 5:15-5:30, have to make dinner, play with the babies for a little bit, give baths, then put them to bed. It is exhausting...but I refuse to make hamburger helper type meals. I guess it is my burden to bear. I want good healthy meals for them, it will give them good eating habits later. Hopefully.
Well that is all for now, I will post more when I feel like it I guess.
Ch-check ya' later!!!
My son started Pre-K the beginning of this month. This is his second year at this school so a lot of the moms there are familiar to me, not friends of mine, but familiar with me. On the first day, they were all staring at me. I thought maybe it was because my son was on his way to a major meltdown complete with very loud sobbing and snot bubbles. I thought, these rude bit**s are just starring like my son and I are some sort of freak show. I was so irritated by how they were just starring at me. After we had left and my son had calmed down (turns out he just wasn't feeling well) I realized, "I bet they were starring because I weighed 300 lbs the last time I saw any of them, and now I am almost 100 lbs less." Suddenly I felt guilty for calling them names in my head and plotting to accidently dent their cars. Oops, my bad! I sometimes forget that although I feel the same as before I don't look the same as before. I am having severe issues with my own perception of how I look, so I guess I just assume I must look the same to everyone else too.
When I look in the mirror, especially naked, I see the same chubby person as I did 6 months ago. Only sometimes I will catch a reflection of myself and I will do a double take and wonder is that really me. Then I look again, and there she is fatty-pants Mcgee! I am also much more critical of body and how look now than I was when I was heavier. I can't understand why that is. Maybe I am fishing for someone to say, "Look you were a fat ass before, now you are just an ass." I don't know, I think I just need some more reinforcement. ***Sigh*** I think it just takes time for the mind to catch up to the rest of me (and everyone else).
I will be a free woman October 3rd! As I mentioned in my previous post I was "trying" to get divorced, but was met with a lot of resistance from my ex. I filed for divorce on June 14th and have my final court hearing on 10/03/07. I really should clarify that I had been separated since last April of 2006, so this was a long time coming. I have been dating a delicious man for awhile now that truely cherishes me. It feels so good. I am happy and haven't been for a long time. Its nice to feel free...something I think a lot of people take for granted. I know I did. But now, I can breathe again!!
I still find eating to be an incredible chore. I ask my kids every night, "Why do you guys have to eat everyday?!" My son just says "We has to momma." He is tender. It is hard to make something that we all like that I can eat. I refuse to be the person that makes separate meals for myself and the kids. I think it enables bad habits. I want us to eat together. We eat lots of chicken at my house, so I am always looking for new chicken recipes. Quick and easy is my game. I am "time" challenged as I work full-time, get off at 4:45pm, go get the kids from daycare, get home at 5:15-5:30, have to make dinner, play with the babies for a little bit, give baths, then put them to bed. It is exhausting...but I refuse to make hamburger helper type meals. I guess it is my burden to bear. I want good healthy meals for them, it will give them good eating habits later. Hopefully.
Well that is all for now, I will post more when I feel like it I guess.
Ch-check ya' later!!!
06/01/07 - 3 months post-op
Jun 01, 2007
Do you ever have that moment when you think, "How did I get here? How did my life end up this way?" Then 30 seconds later get pelted in the head by an oncoming toy plane? That was me last night. I am trying to get divorced. I say trying because he thinks that there is reconcilliation in our future. Even though we have been separated for over a year! When we are together, it is no good! I just despise him. He talks a great talk, but thats all it is, talk. I have never been priority in our marriage and neither have the kids. That is a problem for me. I know there is someone out there for me, who knows maybe I have already met him. I wish that God would just send very clear signals for me...wouldn't that be great? Would save me a lot of guessing!
Well, I have lost 55 pounds in 3 months! Hard to believe! I never thought I would be one to enjoy excerise but I do now. I love the burn...is that sadistic? Maybe a little, but I like it.
I am a little regretful that I did not take measurements prior to surgery and every week vow to begin taking measurements, but never do. I will just let my clothes be my guide I guess.
A strange thing that I have noticed is that food is such a chore to me, meal time is dreadful almost to me. I need to take some healthy cooking classes to switch up the ol'menu! Note to self: look into that ASAP, you are bored!!
Well, I have lost 55 pounds in 3 months! Hard to believe! I never thought I would be one to enjoy excerise but I do now. I love the burn...is that sadistic? Maybe a little, but I like it.
I am a little regretful that I did not take measurements prior to surgery and every week vow to begin taking measurements, but never do. I will just let my clothes be my guide I guess.
A strange thing that I have noticed is that food is such a chore to me, meal time is dreadful almost to me. I need to take some healthy cooking classes to switch up the ol'menu! Note to self: look into that ASAP, you are bored!!
