shannon2128

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Finally got my date....New Year's Eve!  Pysch lady took longer than expected with her evaluation, so my insurance paperwork didn't get in as soon as we had hoped.  The office called me yesterday - there are only two dates left for the year, Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve - good grief?! Really?!  I went with the least cumbersome of the two. :)

So, it's Friday, and Halloween.  There will be candy and pizza tonight, probably cake (celebrating a bday too).  Sunday is week 2 of my pre-pre op diet...2 shakes a day and dinner.  Actually looking forward to it.  It'll be interesting to say the least.  Come on pre-op diet! lol

So yesterday we ordered Chinese, and as I was eating I really wasn't enjoying it as I thought I would.  I told my husband, I'm actually ready for the liquid diet because I'm ready to stop thinking about food.  What am I going to make today, what should we bring to work, do we want to order, etc...I'm tired of food right now.  I'm ready for the next phase, the next chapter in my life, where food is not an option but a fuel requirement.  I know it'll be hard, and I'll have to fight those demons everyday - but I'm ready.  More than I ever have been.

I went through a phase while researching and early in the process where I would cry because I was afraid of what I would look like.  Silly, and vain, I know...but I've been heavy all of my adult life.  My teen years I was average weight, too thin sometimes, and very vain.  As I've gotten older, I've found ways to dress and such to hide the fat - at least I thought I did.  I was never really lacking in attention - even at my heaviest. But as I think about losing the weight I began to get terrified of how I would look...with and without clothes.  Right now every inch of my body is filled out, with fat, but what about when that fat is gone?  I had this image in my head that I would just deflate and not really shrink.  My husband and friends I have told have said that I'm being silly. But it's a image that is hard to get rid of.  There is no money for reconstructive surgery (which in reality is what it is since there is no "plastic" involved) at this time - maybe down the road and if I really can't grasp how I look naked.  Until then, I know my husband loves me deeply, I know I will do everything I possibly can to tone and sculpt my body, and keep my fingers crossed that my genetics are better than I anticipate.  

Monday 10/27 I went for my "New Me" appointments (what the surgeon's office calls them); EKG, Upper GI, NUT, and Psyhc eval.  They all went well - even the barium wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I was a little unimpressed with the NUT though, she just came across as a little flaky to me.  Didn't offer too much insight or information.  I've found more information online and this forum than I got with her.  We'll see if she's any better after surgery, if not I may have to find my own.  

Now it's the waiting game - which I'm not very good at - extremely impatient!  Need to wait for all the evaluations to be submitted to the surgeon's office so they can then submit to the insurance for approval.  I'm really hoping this goes faster than they anticipate.  I'd like to have the surgery done before Thanksgiving - as I was told.  

I have started working myself into the liquid diet - this week is a shake for breakfast every day, next week will be breakfast and lunch. I'm hoping by the end of next week I'll be told to start the liquid diet.  My loving husband has decided he'll do this "pre-pre-op" diet with me as well as the pre-op diet.  He's looking to lose some weight and be supportive at the same time.  I'm grateful and love him for it, I'm just hoping we don't ring each others neck during the carb detox phase lol 

The last two nights I haven't sleep too well; don't know if it's nerves, stress, or the crappy barium lol  All I know is I want to get past this point so I can start concentrating on the rest of my life.  I know I shouldn't wish my life away, but I hope it moves quickly.

Sitting waiting for my appt with Dr. Lutfi...nervous, exited, and nauseated all at once!