shaunconnors
When I was born I was under weight...ha ha, joke was on me. As a child I was "chubby"...who thought of that label? I went through multiple surgeries on my legs due to deformities at birth. My last surgery being when I was about 10.
Elementary school was hard for me. The kids made fun of me, another phrase I hate...who is having the fun? Not me. It was hell on earth. No one wanted to be my friend. First there was the leg thing, making me look deformed. Then the weight thing...double whammy. Out of love my mom always treated me to sweets. Fudge and cakes were staples in our house. When we ordered pizza, we all got our own, who does this? We ate out all the time. There really was no structure, no limits, no real guidance. As I got heavier my parents would push me to watch what I ate...I was the child, only eating what you provided? My dad would joke about pad locking the refrigerator...my brother called me tons of fun...that fun word again...I don't blame my parents, we didn't know what we do now. What my mom did was out of love. Food, sweets, made me happy. She was just trying to show me love. It has to be hard to watch your child be made fun of all the time. To know she didn't have any friends at school...I couldn't imagine her hurt.
I took ballet and tap...this was my safe haven. Through this I started taking baton twirling lessons. Once my surgeries were finished, my legs were "normal". I really began to get good and take it very seriously. As I moved to middle school we moved. This gave me a new start, you would think. I was so scared and lacked self confidence, I found it very difficult to make friends. I threw myself into my twirling. As I entered high school, twirling was my life. I had slimmed down to about 150, still thought I was huge, fat...the things that get in our heads...ugh! Still and all I twirled in the band, taught twirling to kids and I competed...all over the world. It was everything to me. My parents sacrificed a lot for this. I will be forever grateful to them for that. At competitions I was good, I won titles, I represented the United States in England and France at the world festival of twirling. I won state, national, regional and world titles...this was my life, who I was. Gave me a purpose. Still I thought I was so fat. By dance and twirling standards...I was heavier than a lot of girls...my coaches would always urge me to lose weight. I would starve myself before competitions. My one coach called me a dancing elephant one time, he was "just kidding", not to funny to me. I loved twirling, I could escape all my self doubts. I soared with self confidence when I was out on the competition floor.
Things started to unravel at the end of my senior year in high school. My dad lost his job. Having battled alcoholism in the past...he started drinking again. After graduation, after my last world competition, when I got home everything changed. We lived in a beautiful home...everything looked perfect on the outside. At various points we had no heat, no hot water, no phone...this was not our life. My father started having an affair. Things got ugly. He moved out, leaving us without utilities. The mortgage was behind...my mom had been a stay at home mom for 21 years...she got a job but in no way could she make the money she needed to pay the bills. That Christmas, my dad never called. January 9Th was my brothers birthday, he called my brother. My dads birthday was January 15...my birthday was January 22...he never called. This hurt me so deeply. The next two months, whenever I saw him I said terrible things about/to him. I was a kid, and I was hurting. Then on March 31, 2004 he was killed in a car accident. He was drinking and driving, he hit a tractor trailer head on, 5 minutes from where he was living.
That summer I hit 200 pounds for the first time. I started a yo yo life trying every diet on the market. I gained and lost time and time again. Always ending up heavier. My average was roughly 228 pounds. I stayed in that range for a while.
In June 1992 my mom, my best friend, was diagnosed with cancer. It was already stage 4. She tried treatments for a couple months. She moved in with me, I took care of me and we shared some very special times. At the end of August I rushed her to the hospital, she never came home. She died September 16, 1992. On the outside I looked like I dealt with it very well. I ate it away...ballooning up to 280 pounds.
I finally got control of myself and again weighed 228. I moved, met someone and ended up married. The first couple years seemed OK. But I knew I was accepting things that I shouldn't have to deal with. We had a little girl...she is beautiful. At that point I was 374 pounds. I started looking into gastric bypass when she was a year old. I didn't want to miss out on her life because I was to fat. I didn't want her to be ashamed of me, being the fat mom. I also didn't want to die and leave her to early. I was already 38 when I had her. I needed to get healthy.
I had the surgery right before she turned two. I took it seriously, I followed every instruction. I went to sleep every night visualizing my life once I lost weight.
As I lost the weight I realized I had to get out of my unhealthy marriage. I always blamed my weight for my depression, here it was the depression that made the weight an issue. So I left. I started my new life October 2007.
My life now is a different life. Happy, full of love, respect and happiness. I am now in a healthy relationship. I've known my husband to be for 4 years. We worked together, then became friends and finally started dating. He is the love of my life. I realize now I have never been in a healthy relationship. When you hate yourself you do not make good decisions in that department. I can now give love and accept love because I know I am worth it. My daughter is happy too. She now lives in a home full of love, laughter and God. This is the life I always wanted and the life I always wanted to give my child.
I am so lucky to get a second chance. That is something I am very grateful for.
