ShelleKarena

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So I have hit my first major stall and think I am going through what many have gone through at this time.  I feel like I am going to be the only fat person to ever fail at the surgery and still keep eating 800 or less calories a day.  I don't know if I am not getting enough water, and usually only by 8 oz or so if I do miss, enough protein or what.  I have been at this same weight or nearly the same weight for the last 2 weeks.  This has really started to mess with my mind.  I have heard others talk about how you just have to keep doing what you need to and eventually the stall will break.  It doesn't feel that way right now. It feels shitty.  I don't sit around all day long eating crap like I used to.  I cannot even fathom eating now like I used to, but I digress.  The worst thing I eat is protein bars, and honestly right now I need the extra protein.  I cannot eat much more than 2 oz or so of meat during a meal.  The holy grail of rapid weight loss plans on this site talk about 6-800 calories a day more than 70 protein less than 40 carbs.  My NUT tells me to just make sure I am eating a balanced diet and not worry about the protein and carbs, that he just wants us to have all parts of the food groups.  If this stall does not break soon, I may try something else because right now I feel like I am failing through no fault of my own. I don't appear to have lost any inches either, but then again my body is very difficult to measure. Maybe I will get my grandma to give me one of her water pills.  I am retaining water in ways I have not seen since before surgery. That I blame on my never ending period.  Hopefully the bc shot I got at the obgyn will help put a stop to that as well.  Before surgery I was so bloated from eating all of those refined baked goods, that I did not notice the extra bloat when it was TOM, but now I do in a major way.

Today I am officially one month out from surgery.  I am a little disappointed by my wl this month.  I managed to lose 18.4 lbs which is about 4 lbs per week.  I know that this is considered good, but a lot of other people lost so much more the first month.  I think I didn't lose as much because I was not on liquids as long as other people. I have lost a total of 32.4 since my highest weight recorded this year and 58.8 since my highest recorded weight in 2006.  I lost about 30 pounds in the last few years.  I am now as low as my post pregnancy weight.  Right now I feel like a slow loser, but I think most of that problem is because I am not getting enough water.  With it being 100+ degrees outside, that needs to change.  My goal this week is to drink at least 72 oz of water and to go to the gym 20 mins a day during the week. It is time to get a little more with the program.  I know that exercise does not really help you lose weight all that much, but it will help to get me healthier and that is my ultimate goal.  The more toned I am, the less noticeable skin I will have.  I am still going to have a shit ton of skin, but I want to be able to run and go hiking and other active things.  Exercise will help me to get to that goal.

I have never in my life been able to stay on a diet.  I think this must be the same for just about everyone who has gone through WLS.  The word "diet" is such a loaded word and concept.  The idea is that you go on a diet, lose the weight, and then go back to eating the way you did before.  Diets don't work.  There may be a small minority that can change the way they eat so dramatically and make it a life long way of nutrition, but the majority of people cannot.  This is why I love my sleeve (and sometimes hate my sleeve).  I am not on a diet.  I have had to change the way I eat because of my new anatomy.  I can no longer indulge in certain types of food and drink because eating them would make me sick.   I still struggle with the whole idea of eating to live.  My mind has not switched yet to "does this help me get to goal?" I still wonder when I can have certain treats.  What I am going to do is call my NUT this week and set up an appointment.  I cannot see myself eating so much meat the rest of my life.  For the first time in my life, I am craving veggies.  This is a huge jump for me as I didn't even like them before.   I want to set up a way of eating and a plan for food that I can live with.  I want to leave room for the occasional treat.  I cannot see myself going back to the days where I got myself a honey bun and a huge soda every day.  I don't want to live that life anymore.  There are some things that I can pretty much guarantee that I will never eat again.  I will never eat Little Debbie snacks again or others of their ilk.   Not only do I no longer crave those things (well I still crave soda every now and again), but if I tried to eat them I would be sick.  This is another reason why I love my sleeve.  I feel liberated from most of cravings for bad things.  My "sweet tooth" has been mostly silent.  It is almost like with the surgery, the surgeon also cut out my desire to indulge in bad habits. I am committed to my new life.  I fully expect I am going to fall sometimes, but I know I will also get back up.  I still have days where I go WTF did I do to myself.  Mostly though I marvel at how little I can eat.  On Saturday I made cheeseburgers for the family.  I ate about 2 oz of a patty (which took me 30 mins to eat).  At the same time I watched my husband inhale 2 cheeseburgers with buns and a couple of huge handfuls of chips in under 15 mins.  I had to laugh and tell him "You just ate in 10 mins what would take me hours to eat over a couple of days"  A couple of months ago I would have been right there with him, eating almost the same amount in the same manner. 

So I am feeling better today than I did a few days ago.  I have figured out that my body likes to retain water for a few days and also keep me at the same weight for a few days and then lose a few ounces or maybe a few pounds if I am lucky.  This is my normal for now, although I have started exercising today.  I think this is going to help some with my physical problems.  My muscles in my hips and lower back, especially after I sleep or have to sit all day for work, have been killing me.  If I start using and then building up my muscles then I think the pain will start to ease some.  Also I have read that exercise helps in water retention. 

Back to the rate of weight loss.  I think that I did not lose as much in the beginning is because I did not stay on liquids as long as everyone else. My dr progressed me to purees after one week.  I have not really eaten many purees because they grossed me out.  I have made sure to eat my food very very well though.  I have not gotten stuck yet but there have been some uncomfortable moments.  I am also learning about my new stomach.  I really really have to pay attention when I eat and not be tempted to eat just one more bite.  I have been over full and it was not something I wish to repeat.  It almost feels like food wants to come back up my throat.  So advice I may give someone just starting to eat again is this:  Make sure to eat slowly.  I know that the urge to take a big bite can be tempting, but take little bites and go slowly.  Being stuffed can hurt you and it is not something that feels good. 

In a side note, the way I look at portion sizes has really changed.  I watched Luke eat a cup of veggies, a half cup of mashed potatoes and two sausages for dinner and then go on to eat some frozen yogurt a little later.  I then turned to my little salad plate with 1 1/2 oz of sausage (about half of one), a T. of veggies and a t. of mashed potatoes.  I realized that Luke's plate is what is considered "normal" and would take me two days to eat.  It boggles my mind how little I eat these days.

Ok so I have lost 15 pounds since surgery about 3 weeks ago.  I know everyone says how good this is, but I lost most of that in the firt 2 weeks.  I was losing every single day after my gas and extra fluid was gone after surgery and then last week, it is like every single ounce is begrudged to me.  And to top off my pitty party shit cake, today I weighed 2 more pounds than yesterday!  I know that it is fluid retention but damn just seeing that shit pisses me off.  Pissing me off is extremely easy to do these days too.  I feel like I am always either crying or about to start yelling.  I can't eat, I can't drink, can't have a smoke.  I have lost every comfort to myself and what have I gotten in return? It feels like not a whole hell of a lot.  I am at that point everyone gets to where you ask 'WTF did I do to myself and why did I ever think it was a good idea" and "Am I going to be the only fat girl who only eats 600 calories a day?"  The worst thing (and probably the best thing long term) is that even if I wanted to eat a pizza or a big juicy cheeseburger, I would not be able to.  I know everyone says that it gets better, but right now I am so not feeling it.  Also for some reason sleeping has become an issue.  I wake up every single night around 3.30 am and can't go back to sleep.  My body aches from where I was sleeping and I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in.  This is not helping my grumpy attitude at all.  I am trying so hard not to snap at my husband or 6 yr old daughter, but I still find myself doing just that, and then I feel really guilty afterward.  I feel like I have lost the ability to be a good parent or wife because I am just so angry/upset all of the time.  And I found grey in my hair this morning.

I had my surgery on 7/10.  I was so nervous about surgery to be honest.  My biggest fear was that I had not lost enough weight and my liver was still too large and the surgeon would not complete my surgery.  Apparently these fears were totally groundless.  I ended up loosing 15 lbs on my pre op diet.  Dr Acheson told me that I was a textbook case and that my liver probably looked better than his!  Boy was I relieved.  I was only conscious enough when I got to the o.r. to tell my surgeon hello and recognize his assistant as Dr Marquez and tell him how much weight I had lost pre op.  I woke up later in my room to someone trying to add that trapeze bar to my bed.  They moved me around so much and it hurt.  I am pretty sure I told them to stop it and that it hurt.  They ended up not adding the bar to my bed because it was not needed. :) Immediately after surgery I was in a great deal of pain.  I think a lot of that was because I was full of gas and it was in between the anesthesia and the post op pain control. Between not drinking the whole day and the anti nausea patch they put behind my ear, my mouth felt like a desert.  I was not allowed to drink anything until my upper GI barium test the next morning.  I got around that by gargling with water and spitting it out. That really helped. I came home the day after surgery in the afternoon. I am so lucky to have a grandma who loves me so much.  She bought me a recliner because I was certain that I would be unable to lie down in my bed.  I have been pretty much glued to that recliner since I came home :)

So here we are 3 days out.  I am still having some trouble with getting in all of my liquids.  I haven't even started on the protein shakes.  I do miss eating at times and when my family eats I think I am hungry, but in all reality I am not. This is what they call head hunger. My husband Luke has been the single most important component of recovery.   He has done everything for me and is always asking if he can do anything for me.  I have had great support from my friends and family.  Yeah this clear liquid part has been pretty shitty so far.  The way that I see it is that I need this time to learn how to deal with my head hunger and how to pay attention to my body and its real needs rather than what my addiction demands.  Oh wait I did get some protein.  Stupid fly flew down my throat and I swallowed it LOL.

So I have lost about 9 pounds on the pre op diet.  I am so frustrated that I have not lost more but the NUT told me with his pre op diet you only loose about 10 pounds at most.  I am so tired of meat meat meat meat meat.  I miss all of my carby type foods and I am so pissed off all of the time.  I am trying to not snap at my husband or child but I can't seem to help it.  Less than 30 carbs per day is really rough.  I know that I will eventually be allowed to have my favorite foods in moderation, but right now I am frustrated.  I am also scared.  What if when I get into the operating room they turn me away?  I realize that it is mostly an irrational worry and a deflection from what I am really worried about.  I guess I am really worried that I will never be able to eat again.  Food has been my comfort for so long and now that is being ripped away from me.  Admittedly I signed up for this shit, but I didn't anticipate just how difficult the emotional shit would be.  Logically I know that I don't need the donut or cookie, but I am so hungry for them.  UGH.  OK  before this bitch fest goes any further, I need to go and eat some meat now. 

Just some thoughts as I read through posts this morning.

Surgery is the easy part, you lay there and sleep while everyone else does the work.  Weight loss really isn't bad, overall it is fairly easy and especially compared to pre op.  Maintenance is when you really have to work and work hard.  You think you are working hard now?  Wait until maintenance.  That's when it is time to sincerely put everything you have learned into action.  Maintenance is hard and regardless of what anyone tells you, that is the hardest stage.

Transfer addictions happen to all WLS types.  It does not have to be alcohol, it can be gambling, exercise, spending money, anything to an extreme is a transfer addiction.  When you have your first extreme emotional episode post op and you turn to food and you realize you can't eat your way out of the bad things in life anymore, that is when that food demon will stare you in the face and you realize just how much you 'used' food pre op.  You can find another addiction or you can deal with your issues.  It honestly is a choice.  Make it a choice you are fully aware and approve of.

Starvation mode in the obese population is indeed a myth.  It does not exist in our population.  Read this again and again if you must.  It does not exist in our population.  Starvation mode literally means there is no fat to burn and you have a deficit of calories vs. energy burned.  Our population has plenty of fat stores, we cannot BE in starvation mode.  It is a myth.

We are not exhausted post op because of a lack of food.  Fat *is* stored energy.  The reason you want to crawl under your desk and take a nap is because you just had major surgery and your body is healing.  You don't need extra calories because you are completely, totally, and utterly exhausted.

For a great many, maybe even most, the first month post op is torture.  Food commercials will make you cry, people you perceive as looking at you wrong will make you cry.  You may well abhor your choice to have surgery.  This is normal.  You can't have one lifestyle pre op, have surgery, and suddenly your choices for food, food quantity, coping methods, and the way you live your life ... you are literally forced to change them an hour post op - then expect to be happy with it.  Many times "Happy with WLS" doesn't come for 1-3 months post op.  And you know what?  That's okay.  You will indeed survive this stage but it may not seem like it at the time.

You will not lose weight every single day, that is unrealistic.  It is not a stall when you haven't lost weight in a week.  You will eventually learn to refer to that week of no weight loss as normal and expected.  And yes, that includes three weeks post op.

You will learn more about yourself as well as the people around you during  weight loss.  The funny thing is, you won't even realize just how much you have learned about you and your world until you have been in maintenance for a couple of years.  One day the light just goes on.

White carbs are evil.  Rice, pasta, sugar, flour, and potatoes.  We did not get fat from a garden salad with full fat dressing.  We did not get fat from a steak.  We do not sneak downstairs and binge in private on raw veggies.  We binge and hide from the world that we are eating a bag of cookies, a cake, a pie, a bag of Fritos, a 2# chocolate bar.  I will write it again, WHITE carbs are evil.

Our population 'gets' things that naturally thin people will never in a million years comprehend.  We have a type of compassion for our fellow human beings that others do not.  This is a good thing and quite frankly, you would not have that level of compassion if you hadn't been fat at some point in your life.  Respect that fact.

Our population is invisible to the world, they don't see us.  They don't even notice us.  I have news for you, you didn't see them either.  Post op all the sudden one day you take a look around yourself at Walmart and you will be shocked at how many fat people are sharing this planet with you.  So no, you aren't the only fat person.  We are huge in number.

The first time you get a totally new hair style post op is the day you can be proud.  THAT is the day you started getting your self esteem back.

Don't be the food police.  YOU had WLS, not the rest of the world.  They need to come to terms with their issues in their own time just as you did.  You do not need to tell every fat person you love that they need WLS.  You don't even need to drop hints.  We don't need a WLS awareness day, everyone already knows WLS exists.  You don't need to remind them.

The #1 piece of advice I can give you today is this:  The foods you eat during weight loss set the tone for how you will eat during maintenance.  You will lose weight during the honeymoon stage, that doesn't mean goal is the same.  Change your behaviors now, reset your brain  today.  Tomorrow is coming quickly.  Honeymoons don't last forever.  What you eat during weight loss sets the tone for maintenance.  Make that your mantra.