Weight Watchers

Jan 20, 2011

I am going back to Weight Watchers today. 7:15pm  meeting!

Dr Dent said that it was a good idea to be following some sort of program while waiting for surgery so....WW it is. I tried doing it on my own but I just couldnt do it...I dont know if its the PCOS or what but I lost 40 lbs....which by the way took me nearly a year....and then just started gaining it all back. It was very frustrating to be paying each week to be told I was GAINING instead of losing, so I stopped going completely.

I tried upping my workout and getting a trainer at the gym....do you know what she told me??

I told her that my goal was general weight loss but also to run a 5k in May (this was February last year) and she said...

"Someone of your size shouldnt be running on the treadmill"

Ouch!

I must say, one of the most embarassing moments of my life!! It took everything i could do not to start crying right there. I know I should have got angry and stood up for myself but I didnt. I felt small and weak and like a complete idiot for wasting everyone's time thinking that *I* could do soemthing like that! It confirmed every belief that I had ever had that i didnt belong in the gym anyways because that's where "healthy" people were....it took weeks to work up the courage and psych myself up to ASK for help to begin with.....then BOOM...crashing down with a gigantic thud in mere seconds.

Most every morning is a battle to go in there and do my workout. I try not to look at anyone or make eye contact because its like I dont want anyone to see me. If I look directly at someone, then it would be facing the reality that they SEE me...and then I think about what they see. A fat chick trying to run on the treadmill with all the jiggly bits thundering about, sweating and likely on the verge of a heart attack...OMG shouldnt someone stop her?? Who does she think she is, trying to break the machines??? Security!!!

Yes, thats what goes on in my head...

So you can see....its a miracle on the days when I do manage to make it all the way to the treadmill to begin with.
I like the weight machines better actually. You can sort of hide inside them and they sort of block people's view of you. I feel so strong too when I can obviously see that I am chest pressing a heck of a lot more than anyone else, men included. Gives me a little boost that maybe I do belong there or have a right to workout as well as anyone...

Some days its more than I can handle though, and I give up right about at my locker. I open the door and see my shower stuff and think...I could just shower and go to work early instead....
and sometimes I do.
Sometimes my irrationality gets the better of me and I wimp out on the gym.....but MOST days I make it. But certainly, the trainer's comment did NOT help at all....

So back to WW I go....hoping to at least stave off the gain! I gained 25 lbs back from when I left WW in Feb last year. I continued going to the gym but even still....I guess I need to be more accountable and definitely more proactive with the food tracking/monitoring. I think maybe its portion size that has gotten out of control since I left....that...and maybe the snacking after supper.
I have GOT to stop that!!

I did groceries last night in anticipation. Lots of fruit and veggies and a whole box of chicken breasts!!!

Wish me luck!!

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