victory tonight

Feb 19, 2011

My life pre-op is trying to figure a few things out to give myself the best chance for success post-op. I made an interesting discovery today...

soooo.....my personal chef is away for the weekend. I have been away eating out of pre-packed cooler items (which I thought was particularly clever of me) for 3 days prior to my chef leaving me for a dart tournament in Syracuse! (how rude!)

It is just me and 2 of the 5 kids tonight so I decided to have a "left overs" night where they can pick whatever they want, or have 'breakfast for supper'. I had offered quiche but neither one wanted any so they chose pancakes. Easey peasey.....but I wont eat them. At least thats what I convinced myself of.....

If I were to recap my day today, I could say that I had a very bad eating day. We went to the movies and I got a nacho thing instead of popcorn, which was supposed to have salsa but the guy made a mistake and gave me cheese. Did I send it back?? No!! I ate it!!
Then felt horrible guilt and shame afterwards!!! Which made me want to eat more.....I wanted to stop at the Timmies drive through for donuts "for the kids" but knew damned well that I would eat some if not most of them  if I did so I just drove right by....then felt even more guilty for not being able to give them a treat just because I couldnt control myself....(see the crazy was starting at this point)

So I get home, and I am hungry so I make the kids their dinner....thinking the whole time, I cant eat pancakes....too many carbs and too much sugar-no protein to fill me up. But mindlessly as I am cooking, I grab a tea biscuit and munch on it....having no idea what to make for myself yet.

I grab a pita bread and some hummus and start eating that telling myself its good because there is protein in hummus.
Uh huh....

There is some left over roast in the fridge.....but I dont really cook for myself. It seems a waste of dishes really....to cook up a whole meal just for me when its easier, less messy and faster to just grab something....maybe I dont consider myself "worthy" of the time/effort/energy it would take......

NO!!!!

I said NO dammit!! I am WORTH dirtying ONE frying pan for pete's sakes!! (see? more of the crazy now...)

I threw the rest of my pita right into the garbage immediately and put the hummus back in the fridge. I grabbed a bag of fresh pre-washed and cut broccoli and cauliflower and threw it in the microwave to steam in its bag. Then, I sliced the rest of the roast up very thin (was only 3oz left) and thew it in a pan with some EVOO and garlic and doused it with spicy chili sauce. When the veggies were done I tossed it all in a bowl. Presto!! Instant HEALTHY supper in less than 5 minutes. and I only dirtied one pan.....which was actually the same pan I had made the pancakes in anyways!!

Then I made myself a pot of tea.

This may not sound like anything to write home about (pardon the pun) but that was a huge victory for me tonight. I stopped myself mid-binge. I was hell bent for leather in a full blown carb binge.....I probably would have eaten the rest of the pita and at least one more....tea biscuits if were any left and then started in on whatever else is there in 'baked good' form......but I didnt.

I was able to stop myself before getting "too" far out of control.....but I wonder how it started? I knew when I was eating the tea biscuit that I was starting into a downward spiral....but I couldnt stop it then. Did I let myself get too hungry? Was it lack of routine and the chaos of the last few days of travel that put me out of whack? Is the fact that Himself is gone away and I dont really ever cook anymore-maybe I was feeling lost? Abandoned even?  Was it simply because I really had no "plan" for supper?  Maybe a combination of a few of these or maybe none....the point is....I am very proud of myself for being able to stop it all....and especially before I hit the sweets. Luckily there really arent any in the house but I am sure I could have found something....likely toast with butter and cinnamon sugar.....you know its a bad day when THAT comes out :)

I really thought I was doing remarkably well this week actually, all things considered. I would like to be able to pinpoint where the trouble today started :( i think it may have started with a granola bar-one of those "Sweet & Salty" kinds....once that sweet carby goodness hit my tongue, it was like a drug! An addict in rehab getting a taste of his drug of choice....on an all day bender.
I come from a long line of alcoholics......adddicts of a sort. I always said I wouldnt let my childhood and the things my parents did affect me as an adult because I am old enough to make my own choices and live my own life. Perhaps I lied.

More tea is in order I think....and I need to ponder on how exactly the crazy began today. I suppose if I can figure that out, will I be "cured"?  :)
...if there is such a thing....

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