slee22785
First Fill...
Apr 22, 2011
Hey everyone! I know it has been a looooong time since my last blog. However, things are going great! I only have 16 more pounds and I'll be under 200 lbs!!! I have been going to the gym at 5:15am and 5:00pm everyday! I'm down 2 dress sizes. I went to the doctor yesterday for my first fill, and it was better than I thought it would be. However, he couldn't exactly find the port, so I'm a little bruised from the poking of the needle. Other than that, he said I'm doing an amazing job and to keep up the work! I absolutely love Dr. S..he's very to the point, and wastes no time telling you what you're doing wrong, but he tells you how to fix it.
I wish everyone else the best of luck!
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I wish everyone else the best of luck!
The Scale won't MOVE!
Apr 03, 2011
GAH! I'm so frustrated this morning. I have been busting my butt to eat healthy, walk at least 10,000 steps a day, work out for 45 minutes (in which I've been running/walking), and drinking lots of water. However, the scale is stuck at 222.2, and will not move. I have tried a different scale and it says the same thing. It makes me so mad! I don't know if its the fact that I've only had 3 weeks of recovery and since I was on the liquid diet for so long, that my body is holding on to foods, but to be frank it is PISSING ME OFF! My goal was to be at 215 by now, and I can't even get below 220. I'm starting classes tonight, and I'm going to try and get up at 5am everyday, hit the gym, and hit the gym after work too. I'm so sick of the stupid scale. I know my clothes are fitting better.
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Already seeing the "new" Me
Apr 01, 2011
So for once in my life, I am ridding myself of negative people. It is hard for a lot of people, when I tell them that I absolutely hate my Mom and everything she stands for. To me, she was only an egg donor, but I let her stay in my life because I have always been told to "Honor thy mother and thy father." However, I have never really let the story behind our relationship be known to anyone, including her side of my family. This past week she posted some awful, awful things about me. I did not invite her to my wedding. Reasons? I want that day to be a happy one, not a sad one. Every time my mom is involved in anything that remotely brings me joy, she tends (well I let her) ruin it.
Our Story:
My mom found out she was pregnant right after she graduated in 1984. Her and my dad married in September of 1984, and I arrived in February. Did I have any control over my birth? Absolutely not. However, you would not have thought that the way my mom treated me. She suffered from severe migraines after I was born, and the doctor's used her as a guinea pig for new drugs that alleviated migraine pain and symptoms. My father worked several jobs, and my mom managed the local McDonalds. We barely got by to the point that my dad pawned a lot of family treasures and his class ring. My sister was born in 1988. During those years I remember the awful fighting. My mom and dad would scream at each other all night long, or my mom would hit my dad, scratch my dad, etc. I was too young to understand the reasoning behind all of the arguments. I never saw my dad hit my mom. I saw him nail the door shut, so she could not come in the house, and I watched him throw her keys outside to make her leave. When I was 5, my mom attempted suicide for the first time. I remember my dad teaching me how to dial 911 just in case "I saw mommy with a knife," because he had to leave for work. My grandparents would take me every weekend and during the summers to get me out of the really bad situations and fighting. However, as much as they tried to protect me, their fighting eventually affected me. We moved when I was in 2nd grade to Delaware. I was so angry because I left everything I knew in Maryland. I had to start a new school, and a new way of life. Later, I realized my dad took the job to keep a roof over our heads. When children remember their parents, they remember the times they spent with their mom, I remember all of the good memories with my dad and my grandparents. After we moved, I thought my mom had really grown to like me. We started baking and cooking together, and it felt right. However, years down the road it would take a turn for the worst. In high school, my mother was diagnosed with being Bipolar. It was like walking on egg shells coming home. I never quite knew what to expect. She never cleaned or cooked, and I had to take on to that responsibility. She never tried to be a part of my life. She adored my sister, but for some reason hated me. One day, no one was home, and my mom beat my head into the wall in the kitchen and told me she hated me so much because my father loved me more than her. She never went out of her way to come to school meetings, or to help with any school functions. School became my only safe ground. I could come to school, be smart, and be liked for the person I was. At home, it was a very different story. I had to be careful as to what I said, how I said it and when I said it. I turned to food, and became overweight, even in Middle School. When I would come home with straight "A's", my mom would always say they could be higher. Nothing was every quite good enough. My darkest days, and the demons I battle today, were in high school. Between finding a group to fit in, and finding myself, my mother even made it harder. My senior year of high school she attempted suicide. I remember that day very vividly. My sister was a freshman,and I was a senior in marching band. We were practing the field show for that Friday night's football game, when my band director received a note for my sister and I to leave immediately. My dad was having heart problems, so I thought something had happened to him. When I got I home, I saw my dad and felt a little better. However, he was crying sitting on the front step and told my sister and I that my mom wouldn't let him touch her. He was clearly broken hearted. I walked in the house, not expecting what I saw. Lying on our bathroom floor, my mom was curled up under the sink. Around her were pills. For some reason, probably because my little sister was there, I acted like it didn't bother me. I told my mom that we were going to get her to the hospital. My sister and I carried her out to the car, put in my old 96 Grand Am, and that was the longest car ride in my entire life. When we arrived at the hospital, they took her directly back. I remember that sign in pad with my mom's name, in her handwriting, and the word "Suicidal" under "Reason for visit." After a few hours, I was able to go and see her. When I walked in she began to tell me how all of it was my fault. How I made her life hell and ruined her life, and that the past 17 years of her life had been ruined (I was 17 at the time). Then, her mom (my grandma) showed up with my great-aunt. After they took my mom in handcuffs to the police car, my aunt and grandmother told me how much it was my fault. That if I behaved better, if I listened more, this all could have been avoided. Those words haunted me. I remember that night going to Dollar Tree and buying 6 boxes of Little Debbie snacks, and I ate all 6 boxes in the comfort of my car. I was very careful as to throw away the evidence. None of my friends knew of my binging or addiction. For the first time in my life, I felt alone and scared. Was I honestly this awful person? Was it really my fault? It took me years of counseling in college to realize that it was not my fault. My mom never even saw me off for my Senior Prom, nor did she come to see me perform with a famous jazz musician. When she returned from the psychiatric ward, she packed her things, never looked back and left.
So, that's that story in a nutshell. These past few years I have tried to salvage a relationship with her. I have forgiven her because I know if I don't, it will only effect me, not her. On her birthday in January, I called her. We began talking about my wedding and she said she could give me $400 to go towards my wedding dress, which completely shocked me. However, my mom has made monetary "promises" before and has not always been the greatest at keeping them, so I wasn't too excited. I began talking to her about my sister and whether or not she could afford being in the wedding. I would hate for people to struggle anyway for something I want them to do. She told me how she would pay for whatever my sister needed. Concerned for my sister, I asked her how that would be financially possible for her, if she could only afford to give me $400 how would she get the money to pay for everything my sister needed? I didn't want my sister to think my mom was really going to pay for it, and my mom leave her high and dry, like she had done many times to me in the past. I guess that angered my mom, and she told me not to tell her how to spend her money, which was clearly not the case. Since that conversation, she has yet to call me or speak me. Even after my WLS, she never called.
My dad text me this morning and told me not to go on my mom's facebook page. I had unfriended her, after the big fight because I am so tired of her negativity. Lo and Behold, my mother was bashing me on Facebook to all of my family and her friends, and of course, told a completely different set of events. I was so upset this morning. No one has known the struggles i have dealt with concerning her, except my dad and stepmom. I do not air out my dirty laundry because I believe God puts us through things to make us stronger. I did not invite my mom to my wedding, nor will she be invited. I have prayed so long for her to just find happiness in life, instead of being so bitter about everything.
So on to the point, I never talked to my mom's side regarding anything that has happened. Today, I guess hit my breaking point and I text my grandmother to call me after work. I am finally going to tell my side of the whole thing. This is huge for me! I have never had the confidence to tell them how I have felt, or the real situation behind my mom and I's relationship. I hope that my family does still come to the wedding regardless of her not being there, but this is "me" time. I am getting myself healthy, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I feel that if my mom stays in my life, she will only bring me down even more.
Thanks for anyone who reads this. I hope it helps someone too.
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Our Story:
My mom found out she was pregnant right after she graduated in 1984. Her and my dad married in September of 1984, and I arrived in February. Did I have any control over my birth? Absolutely not. However, you would not have thought that the way my mom treated me. She suffered from severe migraines after I was born, and the doctor's used her as a guinea pig for new drugs that alleviated migraine pain and symptoms. My father worked several jobs, and my mom managed the local McDonalds. We barely got by to the point that my dad pawned a lot of family treasures and his class ring. My sister was born in 1988. During those years I remember the awful fighting. My mom and dad would scream at each other all night long, or my mom would hit my dad, scratch my dad, etc. I was too young to understand the reasoning behind all of the arguments. I never saw my dad hit my mom. I saw him nail the door shut, so she could not come in the house, and I watched him throw her keys outside to make her leave. When I was 5, my mom attempted suicide for the first time. I remember my dad teaching me how to dial 911 just in case "I saw mommy with a knife," because he had to leave for work. My grandparents would take me every weekend and during the summers to get me out of the really bad situations and fighting. However, as much as they tried to protect me, their fighting eventually affected me. We moved when I was in 2nd grade to Delaware. I was so angry because I left everything I knew in Maryland. I had to start a new school, and a new way of life. Later, I realized my dad took the job to keep a roof over our heads. When children remember their parents, they remember the times they spent with their mom, I remember all of the good memories with my dad and my grandparents. After we moved, I thought my mom had really grown to like me. We started baking and cooking together, and it felt right. However, years down the road it would take a turn for the worst. In high school, my mother was diagnosed with being Bipolar. It was like walking on egg shells coming home. I never quite knew what to expect. She never cleaned or cooked, and I had to take on to that responsibility. She never tried to be a part of my life. She adored my sister, but for some reason hated me. One day, no one was home, and my mom beat my head into the wall in the kitchen and told me she hated me so much because my father loved me more than her. She never went out of her way to come to school meetings, or to help with any school functions. School became my only safe ground. I could come to school, be smart, and be liked for the person I was. At home, it was a very different story. I had to be careful as to what I said, how I said it and when I said it. I turned to food, and became overweight, even in Middle School. When I would come home with straight "A's", my mom would always say they could be higher. Nothing was every quite good enough. My darkest days, and the demons I battle today, were in high school. Between finding a group to fit in, and finding myself, my mother even made it harder. My senior year of high school she attempted suicide. I remember that day very vividly. My sister was a freshman,and I was a senior in marching band. We were practing the field show for that Friday night's football game, when my band director received a note for my sister and I to leave immediately. My dad was having heart problems, so I thought something had happened to him. When I got I home, I saw my dad and felt a little better. However, he was crying sitting on the front step and told my sister and I that my mom wouldn't let him touch her. He was clearly broken hearted. I walked in the house, not expecting what I saw. Lying on our bathroom floor, my mom was curled up under the sink. Around her were pills. For some reason, probably because my little sister was there, I acted like it didn't bother me. I told my mom that we were going to get her to the hospital. My sister and I carried her out to the car, put in my old 96 Grand Am, and that was the longest car ride in my entire life. When we arrived at the hospital, they took her directly back. I remember that sign in pad with my mom's name, in her handwriting, and the word "Suicidal" under "Reason for visit." After a few hours, I was able to go and see her. When I walked in she began to tell me how all of it was my fault. How I made her life hell and ruined her life, and that the past 17 years of her life had been ruined (I was 17 at the time). Then, her mom (my grandma) showed up with my great-aunt. After they took my mom in handcuffs to the police car, my aunt and grandmother told me how much it was my fault. That if I behaved better, if I listened more, this all could have been avoided. Those words haunted me. I remember that night going to Dollar Tree and buying 6 boxes of Little Debbie snacks, and I ate all 6 boxes in the comfort of my car. I was very careful as to throw away the evidence. None of my friends knew of my binging or addiction. For the first time in my life, I felt alone and scared. Was I honestly this awful person? Was it really my fault? It took me years of counseling in college to realize that it was not my fault. My mom never even saw me off for my Senior Prom, nor did she come to see me perform with a famous jazz musician. When she returned from the psychiatric ward, she packed her things, never looked back and left.
So, that's that story in a nutshell. These past few years I have tried to salvage a relationship with her. I have forgiven her because I know if I don't, it will only effect me, not her. On her birthday in January, I called her. We began talking about my wedding and she said she could give me $400 to go towards my wedding dress, which completely shocked me. However, my mom has made monetary "promises" before and has not always been the greatest at keeping them, so I wasn't too excited. I began talking to her about my sister and whether or not she could afford being in the wedding. I would hate for people to struggle anyway for something I want them to do. She told me how she would pay for whatever my sister needed. Concerned for my sister, I asked her how that would be financially possible for her, if she could only afford to give me $400 how would she get the money to pay for everything my sister needed? I didn't want my sister to think my mom was really going to pay for it, and my mom leave her high and dry, like she had done many times to me in the past. I guess that angered my mom, and she told me not to tell her how to spend her money, which was clearly not the case. Since that conversation, she has yet to call me or speak me. Even after my WLS, she never called.
My dad text me this morning and told me not to go on my mom's facebook page. I had unfriended her, after the big fight because I am so tired of her negativity. Lo and Behold, my mother was bashing me on Facebook to all of my family and her friends, and of course, told a completely different set of events. I was so upset this morning. No one has known the struggles i have dealt with concerning her, except my dad and stepmom. I do not air out my dirty laundry because I believe God puts us through things to make us stronger. I did not invite my mom to my wedding, nor will she be invited. I have prayed so long for her to just find happiness in life, instead of being so bitter about everything.
So on to the point, I never talked to my mom's side regarding anything that has happened. Today, I guess hit my breaking point and I text my grandmother to call me after work. I am finally going to tell my side of the whole thing. This is huge for me! I have never had the confidence to tell them how I have felt, or the real situation behind my mom and I's relationship. I hope that my family does still come to the wedding regardless of her not being there, but this is "me" time. I am getting myself healthy, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I feel that if my mom stays in my life, she will only bring me down even more.
Thanks for anyone who reads this. I hope it helps someone too.
Joining the gym (again)
Mar 26, 2011
So, today I'm heading to the gym that is only 2 blocks from my house! (can it get any better than this?). I have a membership at the gym at my doctor's office, but it's 40 minutes away and I know I'll never end up there. I plan on just walking for right now, and hopefully ease back into running. I'm still sore at the port incision, but I'm a lot better than I was a week and a half ago.
Let's sweat!
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Let's sweat!
Ready to hit the gym!
Mar 22, 2011
So I had my 1 week post-op appointment with my doctor, and he gave me some wonderful news! Apparently because of my age, my healing is going faster than usual. Therefore, I am on a pureed diet until Saturday, then I can start eating soft foods, then by next Saturday, I"ll be eating regular meals! He also gave me the all clear to hit the gym again and start working out!!! I had to stop working out because I had lost too much weight at first, and would not have qualified for the surgery. I so badly want to finish a 5k this Summer, and I can start my training again! I never used to like running, but for some reason, running is an intense workout and I feel amazing afterwards.
I'm thinking about joining the gym in my hometown again. My doctor has a gym at his office, that I have paid for in the initial costs, but it's an hour drive from home. This gym is literally 2 blocks from my house! I figure I can get up at 5am, drive to the gym (since it is still dark out at 5am), work out for an hour, come home and take a shower and head to work. Then, when I get off, I can hit the gym again on my way home. My fiance has no idea how hard I am going to work at losing weight. I know the band will help, but it is up to me for true success.
Thanks everyone who reads this!
0 comments
I'm thinking about joining the gym in my hometown again. My doctor has a gym at his office, that I have paid for in the initial costs, but it's an hour drive from home. This gym is literally 2 blocks from my house! I figure I can get up at 5am, drive to the gym (since it is still dark out at 5am), work out for an hour, come home and take a shower and head to work. Then, when I get off, I can hit the gym again on my way home. My fiance has no idea how hard I am going to work at losing weight. I know the band will help, but it is up to me for true success.
Thanks everyone who reads this!
I survived Day 1 Back to work!!!
Mar 21, 2011
Well here's the funniest story every (it wasn't so funny living it)...
Today was my first day back to school. Of course, I thought I was prepared: took my protein shakes, my jello and strained soups. What I didn't prepare for was the massive amount of gas I would have from constantly walking. I couldn't very well fart in the middle of class. So, I held it all day. Boy, by the end of my 8 hours, I was about to die! Fortunately when I got in the car, it was just me and I was able to relieve some of the gas. I have never been one to brag or boast about farting, and I must say that was the best fart I think I have ever had in my entire life!
Just figured I would share how my day went....and boy I feel sooooo much better now!
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Today was my first day back to school. Of course, I thought I was prepared: took my protein shakes, my jello and strained soups. What I didn't prepare for was the massive amount of gas I would have from constantly walking. I couldn't very well fart in the middle of class. So, I held it all day. Boy, by the end of my 8 hours, I was about to die! Fortunately when I got in the car, it was just me and I was able to relieve some of the gas. I have never been one to brag or boast about farting, and I must say that was the best fart I think I have ever had in my entire life!
Just figured I would share how my day went....and boy I feel sooooo much better now!
Back to Work....
Mar 20, 2011
Today is my first day back to work. I'm a Special Education Teacher, so I'm on the move all day long because I teach students in the regular classroom. I'm praying I can survive through the day of walking every 45 minutes, up and down stairs, and on my feet. This weekend, we went shopping and 2 hours about wore me out! Oh well, something is working because I weighed myself this morning and I am currently 224.4!!! I have lost a total of 15.6 lbs since I began my liquid diet 2 weeks ago! I'm finding hard to sleep at night, but the pain meds make me really drowsy and groggy in the morning. I went and bought Children's Liquid Tylenol today, which is not at all what I remember it to be, and I hope it can help with the pain and discomfort I have at the port incision. The hardest part of getting dressed for work, is having to wear a bra. I have always worn underwire, and where my one incision is, the wire sits right on it. So, I had to buy the granny bras, that are wire-free, and I seem to be okay so far.
I hope everyone has a fantastic day! I'll update everyone later :)
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I hope everyone has a fantastic day! I'll update everyone later :)
Feeling So MUCH Better
Mar 17, 2011
So, I've been having awful aching pains from where they put the port, to a point it was hard getting out of bed by myself. However, lo and behold! I could get up this morning with minimal pain, and without pain medicine. I'm also down to 229.6!!! Once the Doc clears me, I'm hitting the gym early every morning, and then this summer, when I'm off, I'll be kicking it into 3rd gear. I so badly want to lose a lot of weight for when I get married. It's ironic because when I started the 6 months modification program, I had no idea I would be getting married this summer. I knew that he was going to ask any day, but had no idea he would want to get married so fast! But, that only means, I am going to look fabulous on my wedding day!
The only bummer is: I can't order a wedding gown because I'll be dropping weight and I do not have the money to have to take half of the dress in, so, I'm waiting until June, and hopefully I can find one right off the rack and purchase it. I just can't wait to wow some of my family because they probably are not going to see me until then.
I'm so happy I made this choice to better my life! My fiance, is too, following my diet. He is going on a full liquid diet with me, and then onto the pureed diet, etc. He's absolutely wonderfu. I have read many articles about how WLS can strain a relationship, but I do not thing it will happen in our case. I have pretty much awakened him into realizing that we both need to be healthy.
My past relationship, he always told me if I lost more weight, he would love me more. After hearing that, I stopped going to the gym, and completely emerged myself into food, and doing everything but lose weight. When I met Brandon, he loved me for me, and supported all my decisions, therefore, I was ready to have the surgery. He was the first person to know that I had planned to do it, and he said that he admired my bravery and dedication. But, I can not wait until I run into my ex in a few months, and I look fabulous, and rub it in his face lol...
So, to those girls out there and females, if a person ever tells you you need to lose more weight, screw them! Get out of the relationship,and dedicate time to yourself! If you love you, then it doesn't matter what that other person thinks.
Have a Happy Friday!!!
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The only bummer is: I can't order a wedding gown because I'll be dropping weight and I do not have the money to have to take half of the dress in, so, I'm waiting until June, and hopefully I can find one right off the rack and purchase it. I just can't wait to wow some of my family because they probably are not going to see me until then.
I'm so happy I made this choice to better my life! My fiance, is too, following my diet. He is going on a full liquid diet with me, and then onto the pureed diet, etc. He's absolutely wonderfu. I have read many articles about how WLS can strain a relationship, but I do not thing it will happen in our case. I have pretty much awakened him into realizing that we both need to be healthy.
My past relationship, he always told me if I lost more weight, he would love me more. After hearing that, I stopped going to the gym, and completely emerged myself into food, and doing everything but lose weight. When I met Brandon, he loved me for me, and supported all my decisions, therefore, I was ready to have the surgery. He was the first person to know that I had planned to do it, and he said that he admired my bravery and dedication. But, I can not wait until I run into my ex in a few months, and I look fabulous, and rub it in his face lol...
So, to those girls out there and females, if a person ever tells you you need to lose more weight, screw them! Get out of the relationship,and dedicate time to yourself! If you love you, then it doesn't matter what that other person thinks.
Have a Happy Friday!!!
3 Days Post-Op
Mar 17, 2011
So, today has been a lot better. I'm still a little sore and its hard getting in and out of bed, but I'm managing the pain with the pain medicine. The gas has finally eased up a little bit, and I can actually sit up and walk around without feeling my insides were hit by a mack truck. My fiance has been wonderful taking care of me, but I'm getting a little frustrated with myself because I can't quite do everything like I was doing before.
I just keep thinking about how this is going to help my life and benefit my future kids. I'm uber excited about living healthy and teaching my future children, and my stepson, those healthy tips. My fiance is doing the liquid diet with me, to show his support, which I think is really cute...I really do not have an appetite, but I'm still drinking my apple juice, protein shakes, and taking my vitamins and tums....
If anyone has questions regarding my surgery and stuff, feel free to ask. I plan on being there for others like people here in OH have helped me!
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I just keep thinking about how this is going to help my life and benefit my future kids. I'm uber excited about living healthy and teaching my future children, and my stepson, those healthy tips. My fiance is doing the liquid diet with me, to show his support, which I think is really cute...I really do not have an appetite, but I'm still drinking my apple juice, protein shakes, and taking my vitamins and tums....
If anyone has questions regarding my surgery and stuff, feel free to ask. I plan on being there for others like people here in OH have helped me!
After Surgery (Day of)
Mar 15, 2011
So, I must say that this surgery was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be! My port is the sorest area, but I don't have a lot of gas, and I seem to be getting it quickly by burping. I highly recommend getting a heating pad for anyone who is getting the surgery done, and to take a pillow. Those have been my life savers, as well as a sippy cup so I don't gulp liquids. The pain killers help so much to the point that I just feel achey, not pain.
Love you ALL!
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Love you ALL!
